Hi All,

Hope everyone is enjoying the summer like weather!
Just wondering if anyone has experienced this. One of my 3 boys is causing himself to throw up if he doesn't get his way. He screams or makes the gagging motion. If I don't pick him up or give him what he wants, I get vomit all over the floor. Any advise?? Please help, I don't want to raise a child that is in control of me!

Thanks!

Mary

Mary
BBB Born 07/01/2007 - Happy Canada Day!

It's kind of coincidental that you posted this b/c I was watching Jon & Kate yesterday and one of their daughters did the same thing. Apparently for around 2 years she vomited daily to get her way. Finally Kate told her that if she threw up, she would have to wear her clothes for the rest of the day. I'm guessing she would get vomit on herself, or something. Anyway, it worked and now she doesn't do it anymore. At age one, that probably won't work, though.

I think the vomiting starts from being so upset that they trigger a gag reflex. Think back on times when you have been extremely emotional...have you ever had moments where you just were so upset and crying that it hurt deep in your gut? So while the vomiting starts from being that upset, as months pass and the behavior continues, kids learn that actually just vomiting can get them their way. I would guess that if your child is only 1 year old, that he hasn't gotten to the forced behavior yet...and that right now he's still in the reactionary stage.

That said, the minute you see him start to get upset over something, you should probably try to find a soothing way to diffuse the situation. You obviously don't want to give into him, but you also don't want to have a charged reaction that will upset him even more. He may not quite understand yet, but I would probably slowly come over to him, rub his back to calm him and tell him you understand why he's upset, and redirect his attention to something else. And if he vomits on the floor, put a papertowel in his hand and have him help you clean it up. Then take him to wash his hands and to brush his teeth. I know that requires a lot of work, but if you explain to him what you're doing and why you're doing it, he'll eventually get it. The latter could be counter-productive since by vomiting he gets your undivided attention...so if you go that route, be careful that he doesn't thoroughly enjoy the cleaning, hand-washing, and tooth-brushing.

Overall, unless someone has a fool-proof suggestion, you may have to try a few different tactics for about a week at a time to see what works best. I really think that for right now this is more about him getting all worked up and if you give him mild attention before he gets overly emotional, then it might diffuse the situation.

We have one that is working on vomiting to get what she wants...which is undivided attention.

We sternly tell her no, and then give attention to the others while giving her something that will distract her.
We will sometimes do a quick joint activity like "everyone on the couch" or "everyone outside to the deck" just to break her chain of thought.
If she tosses her cookies we tell her sternly "that is what happens when you gag yourself" and we clean up the worst of it while not making eye contact.
We do not stop the activity to clean her, we do not stop to brush teeth...we continue on with whatever it is until it is several minutes past the episode and once she is calm for a bit, we clean her up.
At this age it is very obvious when they are "working" on gagging and when they accidentally do it, but even when she accidentally does it we use the same method...even when she is sick (except for the stern no and such) because we cannot reinforce her behavior at all.

It isn't getting worse, but she is still doing it. I am hoping she grows out of it in a month or two.

Susan

Parent to GGG born 31 weeks 4 days 4/26/07




http://www.thedivinemercy.org/message

  

Ignore him. Clean up the vomit once you've removed him from the area and he's in time out. Don't say a word to him. Don't let him see a reaction from you.

He's not getting his way, he will figure this way isn't working for him and give it up.

Or if he's old enough, have him clean it up. Obviously it won't be perfect. Hand him some paper towels and tell him to get to it. Once he's done it, have him sit in time out. Tell him we don't tolerate that kind of behavior and then once he's out of the room clean it up how you know it needs to be done. I'm sure once he's had to clean it up a couple of times, he'll give it up.

Don't give him the option to be in control. You're the parent. You're in charge. Period.

Michelle
(formerly known as bsebllmom9 )
Tyler 17!!
Steph 15!!
Ayden, Ryley & Dylan 3 years!!

Mary, your son is only 11 months old, right? I'm not entirely sure time out works well for kids that young. It definitely might for some kids, but most kids don't really understand the time-out concept for quite some time.

Also, have you talked to your pedi about this? I know the first thought for many people is to ignore the situation, but that may not cure the vomiting. It's definitely worth a try...but if you find that ignoring the child doesn't improve and eventually resolve the situation, then there's a good chance you might be doing more harm than good. At 11 months old, he still needs to have his basic needs met...and one of those needs is love/attention. That doesn't mean you need to give in and console him until he stops crying...but at least acknowledge what is going on or redirect him to another activity. When he feels like he is losing control, he depends on you to help him re-gain that control. If he is upset, then you might want to react calmly and quietly to diffuse his emotions. And if possible, try to do it before he really blows up. I'm sure there are signs and when you see the first sign, see if you can modify the behavior before it starts.

I agree with Michelle. Nolan would do this to us around that age. We ignored him (not totally but enough that he knew we weren't going to give in) and it stopped. Took all but three times but it worked. Time outs worked wonders for us too. He's still a baby at 11 months old but he knows the difference between positive & negative attention. Any attention is good to them so ignoring it is a happy medium. Took me 5 years to figue that last one out, LOL!!!

Tiffani & Ray(NJ)

Crystal. I have seen you doling advice to many parents around here and never having had a child yourself. At least not that you have acknowledged. I'd love to know where you get your parenting expertise from. You are what 10 weeks pregnant?

I have been a parent for 17 years. I think I've been through temper tantrums, control issues, etc. I never said not to show love and attention. At about 1 years old, you can sit the kid in a time out, whether it be strap them in to their high chair to cool off or put them in their crib for a cool off. No one said sit them in the corner, lecture them for an hour.

Granted I missed the part where the kid was 1 years old. So giving them a towel to clean up their own mess is not going to work, but it will work for those reading that have older kids that are pulling this stunt.

Redirection is great, I'm all for it and did it with my own kids and still do. I also do it with my daycare kids, meaning putting them someplace else while you clean it up. Don't let them see you taking the time to do this, otherwise they win. They are getting the attention they are seeking. You put them where they can't see you and they are removed from the situation and can think about something else.

I'm sticking to my experienced parenting style. I'm in control. I'm in charge. It's my way or the high way. My kids are loved beyond belief and they know it, because there is love and discipline and they know I don't take their crap. Does that mean they won't be trying to pull something past me through the stages and phases of their lives, you bet! But I'm not backing down and they will know it. Do I beat them and leave them in a corner to fester for the day? Um, no.

So please share where you get your parenting experience from. I'd love to glean more knowledge any chance I get.

Michelle
(formerly known as bsebllmom9 )
Tyler 17!!
Steph 15!!
Ayden, Ryley & Dylan 3 years!!

I would go with the "experienced mom" advice on this one. I completely agree with Michelle. Once your son realizes he can control a situation, he will use it to his advantage. It can be difficult to ignore it, but doing so should minimize and eventually end this behavior.

Crystal's advice is nice text-book, psych advice, but isn't practical when trying to establish a boundaries with toddlers. Crystal, I hope your kids (when you have them) never do this to you, BUT if they do, I think you will find that always trying to please a child will only make things difficult for you.

Melanie
BGB born at 32 weeks in 2005

Thank you everyone. I will try what was suggested. I try my best to give as much attention to each of my boys, but as you all know, it can get hard sometimes. I'll keep you posted....

Thanks again!

Mary
BBB Born 07/01/2007 - Happy Canada Day!

It doesn't take actually having a child to understand psychology and developmental milestones. I have spent a great deal of time babysitting and working in a daycare with many different children. I have children in my family. I was a child myself. All of my best friends have children under the age of 4 who have recently experienced similar issues which they discussed with me in-depth. The most important thing I have learned is that there are many different parenting styles, and 5 children who are parented the same way may all respond differently. Thus, I feel it's important to offer multiple suggestions for correcting a behavior rather than just one.

With regard to this situation, I just saw a few people mention "ignoring" and at 11 months old, there could be another layer to the tantrums that ignoring might worsen. It also might 100% solve the problem...but my point was that she shouldn't continue ignoring if the tantrums continue.

My advice isn't meant to be parenting advice from someone who has raised her own children...it's meant to be general advice from someone who has a pretty good foundation in psychology and has a lot of life experience with children. I find that many of my suggestions are supported by some other parents who have also tried and succeeded in doing the same things. I understand that some parents are really offended by people who offer advice but don't actually have their very own children. But if advice is helpful, does it matter who offers it? And if it's not helpful or if you know it won't work with your children, then ignore it. Simple enough.

Taking care of other children, not your own, is a completely different story. I, too, did tons of babysitting before having my own.

I am not a psychologist, but I do have 11+ years experience as a parent. There is a difference between hands-on parenting and theory - point blank. You will find this out when you have your kids.

If you have kids who vomit to get what they want and you jump through hoops to prevent it, you will be one TIRED parent!!!

Melanie
BGB born at 32 weeks in 2005