Ok so Gabriel has been in therapy for about three months and everything seemed to be getting better. Well lately we have had some severe issues with sensory and today at speech therapy he had another anti social melt down he actually got so upset his hit the therapist several times. I have been bugging his peds and his Infant Development therapist that we have a severe issue and I have had many professional people tell me that he needs a diagnosis. However, he has not been sent to a specialist yet...
Today his speech therapist actually was the first professional to utter the words Asberger. I have researched it some and felt that it his issues are easily diagnosed as autism or asbergers. But to have someone actually have a strong feeling was so hard. It was like a bomb went off in my head. What will my sons future be? Will he ever be liked or like or will he be the kids everyone picks on? Will he marry have his own children will he fall in love? I am asking my self over and over How can this be. This is real and what did I do wrong to cause this? I was miserable at 32 wks and 5 days I just could not hold on any more...I begged and begged that AM to not put me on Mag because I had the worst side effects to the treb..I went only seven days on no meds and then labor started. Because of my reaction my ob decided it was time to go. Gabriel was my smallest and the only one that never cried at birth...What if my decision to not take mag caused this? What if I would of stopped being a baby he would be fine...
Sorry to vent but my mind is racing. I really think I screwed up...bBut i had no support system no church that was willing to easy my mind and grief while my oldest DS was five hours away calling me in my hospital bed begging me to come and get him and his grandma my in laws would tell him I did not love him. I had to have those babies and I truely believed in my heart that god knew when they were ready. BUt what if I was wrong...
What if besides being a triplet gabriel never has a normal life. But then what is normal I guess I no longer have one of those either...Sorry to ramble I think I am going to go and make a Latte and sulk for a few hours...
Whats next....His OT and Speech Therapist are going to run some tests on our next visit to see where he is at....

happy holidays

Amy Houle
may 2003 BGB
DS Nov 1999

Amy,
(HUGS)))

First, what you are feeling, IMHO, is totally normal. My DS has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS, and "almost" diagnosed with austism 2 times. He "meets all the criteria, but they are deferring at this time". Ugh!!! But, I have had the same thoughts - what did I do? My son will probably not have much of a social life, and I wonder what kind of relationships he will have - that maybe he will not know what love is. And I wonder, did I not love someone in my life enough that this is the result? Your mind goes through so many things.

You did not do anything wrong. You did not cause your birth of your babies, it was time they came out! Kyle was my BIGGEST baby so it doesn't matter the size. It just happens. There are many theories, however, knowing what caused it isn't going to do much good now -now what matters is that you are getting him the therapy he needs.

I don't think any of us will have a "normal" life again. To be honest, it sucks and I don't think I will ever get through the angry or sad stage of this. If you haven't already, get some books - Facing Autism is a good one - it tells you many of the things you mentioned that are perfectly normal to feel. It is reassuring that at least someone understands.

Big hugs to you!!!

Ann

BBG born 7/7/03
33 weeks 3 days

I know exactly what you are feeling, and I think we all go thru these feelings when you finally get a diagnosis. My daughter has been diagnosed with high-functioning autism. Although her psych has diagnosed her with Aspergers. Really it does not matter which one she has because she is still McKayla. I remember sitting and listening to the team of drs tell us that she had autism. I just sat and bawled. I too wondered if it were something that I had done during the pregnancy. Rest assured, it is not your fault. Gabriel is still your son that you love very much. He will always be your son. The diagnosis just makes it easier to get a treatment plan in place. There are still nights that I lay in bed and cry and think about the future for McKayla, but it seems like the next day she will suprise me and do something that I didn't know she could do. I think the most important thing is to stay positive and don't give up. McKayla has gone thru hard times, but she has also grown with leaps and bounds. She is in Kindergarten now which is quite the experience! Feel free to email me any time tripletheluv@yahoo.com. Hang in there~

Karri
Kolton (14)
Madison (9)
McKayla (9)
Dalton (9)

Hi Amy: I hope you are feeling better now. I also found out my Jake is autistic and much like you (and pretty much every parent dealing with this) I blamed myself, wondered what if? and you know what it doesn't matter anymore. I'll save all the time, effort and energy on helping him have the best life he could possibly have. He is not a triple and he was born at 40 weeks 1day so please don't blame yourself. He is getting OT, ABA, DI and will start speech in a couple of weeks. He has made great progress and is trying really really hard. It brakes my heart to see him frustrated and lost at times, struggling with visitors and even other kids that just don't know but I take every opportunity I have to hug him and tell him as well as show him how much he is love and somehow I know he can understand me and he always comes to us(I think he feel safe when we hold him). As per the diagnose we've been given from Moderate Autism, PDD, mild autism, etc. I went to 5 different doctors and now I just want him to get whatever help is out there so that when he is 3 he won't be to far behind. It is really hard to deal with it and I feel like he got cheated out of a normal life and I also wonder what his future will be like. It does get easier it just takes some time. Stay strong.
Hope you have a very happy new year.









Ivy wife to Arty

Amy, you did nothing wrong. You did not harm your child. I truly believe whatever problems he has would have been there no matter when he was born. Please be good to yourself. All you did was love your child.

Bonnie

I completely understand how you feel! Our John was diagnosed with PDD-NOS last June. Honestly, I knew there was something wrong since he was 6 months old (I have two cousins with autistic boys)...the older he got, it was apparent that he was different from his brother and sister who were thriving. After much persistence I was finally referred to a developmental pediatrician. Once he was diagnosed I was devastated (although I knew in my heart that something was wrong). My head was spinning and I didn't even know where to start. Our dev. ped. ordered speech twice a week and to see a behavior psychologist once a week. The first thing I did was get my hands on everything I could that talked about "recovery" or success...our dev. ped. said that about 20% of the children diagnosed on the spectrum can come off...I was determined for John to be of the 20%. Every book that I read talked about the successes of ABA therapy. I researched and found a program in our area. Although costly and not covered by insurance, we enrolled John in the program part time in August of last year...the other two days of the week he attended preshcool with his brother and sister.

I cannot even begin to tell you how pleased we are with his progress! He is a completely different child than he was 7 months ago...we feel so blessed! Actually, tomorrow we are having him re-assessed by the same dev. ped. Who knows?! Am I saying that he is cured? No...but he is on his way. We are just going to retire 20 years later than expected

Anyway, all kidding aside...get your hands on any "positive" information that you can. Our dev. ped. does not support ABA...I hope to make him a believer tomorrow. My son has a girl that attends his school (same age, three) that did not speak one word when she started...she is now saying at least 5-10 words and shows great cognitive ability.

Best of luck to you. We really are our childrens' hope for a brighter future...let me know if I can answer any questions or can help. You can email me at thejackson5@houston.rr.com

angela