I can't believe it has been a year. How can it feel like forever ago that they were born, but yet it feels like yesterday? I can't get my emotions in order. I always hear it gets better with time, but it hasn't for me. It still feels so raw and hurts so bad. The what ifs never leave my mind. I was sooooo hoping to be pregnant again by now. Not that that would take away the pain, but it would be a little joy in my life to help deal with the pain. We just can't get pregnant again. We just had another failed cycle, making that 3 since Sept. These BFNs hurt so much more...I am just so freaking tired of living this way.

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

Rachel --
I'm so sorry this year has been so incredibly tough all in ADDITION to having lost Jaxon, Courtney, and Colin. As if the overwhelming pain from that is not more than any human should be made to bear.

Anniversaries are so bittersweet -- an opportunity to really think about your children (and hopefully some of the sweet memories from your pregnancy and their brief lives -- who they looked like, etc.), but it is so wrong because they are not here. It's just so out of place for so many reasons.

Your post had me remembering where we were after our failed IVF after we had already West, Keaton, and Rebecca. And there are so many SO MANY emotions. On top of having almost made it to the winners circle only to have your dreams and your love ripped from your arms (one at a time no less), then to be sent back to the starting line empty handed.

One thing that helped me through was switching REs. My new guy gave me such immediate hope, I didn't have to go to the daunting old office where we went with the triplets. He had a new focus and a new theory/treatment, and we got pg immediately.

I am just over the hill from you, and I have a few names if you think this might be an option you would like to pursue.

If you feel the need to get out for a chat and/or a bite and/or a Starbucks or something, I will gladly break free and meet you anywhere. I happen to know the Albertsons Center over there like the back of my hand . If you just want to vent and yell without getting out of the house, drop me a PM and I'll send you my numbers -- actually I'm just going to PM them to you right now.

Please know that you are not alone. I am sending up my thoughts for Jaxon, Courtney and Colin, and sending thoughts of peace for their mom.

Steff

^West Rogers^, ^Keaton Edward^, ^Rebecca Joy^ 1/6/04



Missing their sister ^Maria Jose^ 4/7/04-5/10/04

Rachel,

I just read your post today and I too can not believe it has been a year. I am so sorry about the terrible loss of your beautiful and precious triplets. You are so right, time doesn't make it better. At least it hasn't for me , 15 months (for me) is NOT long enough. I keep thinking maybe 3, four, five years?? I don't know. But the pain is strong and the memories are so painful. I still have nightmares of loss. I had a dream that I started my period and I went to get a pad, pulled out the drawer and there were four dead babies in it. I cry in my sleep to the point that my husband has had to gently wake me up, several times now. He even told me okay, honey no more nightmares. I just want you to know how much I understand and how much I care for you and feel your pain. I wish I could give you a big hug. Its coming to the point of trying again and I don't know how I will get through it but for some crazy reason I feel hopeful. I don't know when it will be time to stop trying but for now, we will do it again. I know how frustrated you are. I totally hear you and feel the same. What else can we do but hope. I too would love to see you, meet you, drink coffee with you. Maybe we can all three get together. I still don't have home email but my work email is rruvalcaba@dbh.sbcounty.gov
Just say the word and I will be there. Lots of love,

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

Im sorry for what you are going through at this time, although it is so hard everyday, I thought it was harder around my babies anniversary. I will pray that you receive extra Strength and Patience during this time.

Monique
Mom to 26.5wk triplets, born 09/14/06
^Nicole^
^Daniel^
Nathalie

Thank you for the replies. I survived the first birthday...now moving onto their angelversaries. I used to love spring time, but not anymore. I have just resorted to hiding out in my house to get through it...hiding is all I know these days. I wish they had been born and died on the same day. This 3 month span in between dates is so hard...like a big, black cloud looming over my head the whole time. I just want summer here already. Thanks again...

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

Just wanted to send some love and hugs from across the Atlantic. I lost one of my triplets so I can really empathise with your sadness. To lose all 3 is so so cruel. I'm so sorry. I hope today is a better day for you.

Kerri x

You are in my heart and in my prayers. The first anniversaries are the hardest, and you're right -- stretching it out over three months of anniversaries is simply cruel.

I also have the name of the foremost RE in the area -- and, highly touted throughout the country. He is amazing. He is located in Liguna Niguel, which is a bit of a stretch, but I traveled cross-country to him. He is so worth the trip.

You will remain in my prayers for all good things. Please know that it will get better with time.

Love,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA