Hello,

Hard to believe that it is only Wednesday. Feels like a week since Monday, if not more -- funny how one's sense of time changes with one's circumstances. Learning new stuff about a process I never thought I would be involved with.

Good news, I can stay in the house at least until the initial hearing on Feb 22. Marianne thought she was kicking me out immediately, but I checked with the county clerk and that is not the case according to the papers served me. Can't really afford to start renting, and I do not want to be away from the Boys. Actually, there no more tension in the house than prior to receiving the divorce papers. Sleeping in the living room is the biggest change.

I'll counter her request to have me move out during the divorce process. If it makes her uncomfortable, then she can move out -- stay with friends or something until the divorce is finalized. That will be up to the judge. I think it will be good for the boys to see us handle this thing in a nice manner.

Still figuring out the lawyer stuff...got some names, trying to get an appointment at the court's self-help center. I tried to talk to Marianne about working things out without lawyers involved past the filing stage to save the family money. I got confusing answers from her -- either she does not have a firm grip on the process or her lawyer told her to play dumb. She has already betrayed my trust by filing behind my back, and misleading me to sign bank papers to create seperate bank accounts before the divorce papers were served. So I am careful.

Took my ring off -- feels funny after 23 years of having it there. I know we are still married, but the ring is not a legal document. It was a symbol of love and commitment. My love is still there, but since her commitment is not, it is now just a piece of jewelry -- and I never was much for wearing jewelry.

It is difficult figuring out where Marianne is coming from. You think you know a person and that image falls apart. I have some ideas on what may be going on, but that is all. This is not the place to air her various issues. But she is not a happy person.

It will be challenging to fund two households on basically what we were running one on. I have had the desire to simplify my life for a long time, at least from the consumer aspect. Somethings will get more complicated -- 3 boys shifting homes every one or two weeks and all.

I am not angry at her. I am sad and disappointed, and confused. And now I must get busy and finish up the tax stuff for my photography business for the appointment tomorrow.

Thanks for listening.

Vaughn

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you, Vaughn. The end of a marriage, especially one with kids involved, is a sad event.

I will encourage you to find your own lawyer that will protect your rights. Maryanne is obviously ahead of you in this cycle and you do not want to sign or agree to anything without representation to protect your own interests and those of your boys.

You need to deal with health care, education, visitation, college and other issues. Retirement moneys are entitled to be shared in most states, even though you have been the primary caregiver to the boys. Assets and future earnings are always dealt with in a divorce proceeding and you need a good, aggressive lawyer to deal with these issues.

Her past actions can be discussed with a lawyer as it related to the banking issues.

Please make sure you have a list of all assets, policy numbers, etc.

Feel free to vent here anytime.

Sharon
13 year old b/b/b + 16 year old son

Goodness Vaughn, I am so sorry.

You sound so calm. I am impressed. I think I would be...um...well...less than calm if I were in the same position.

I hope you find a good lawyer. You do really need to protect yourself in terms of health care, visitation, etc.

Take care,
Catherine

"

Vaughn

I am so sorry to hear that you and Marianne are divorcing - what a blow this must be esp as there was discussion prior to being served. Sounds like you are thinking pretty clearly and doing what you can to protect yourself. If you are going with lawyers, I would definitely recommend you talk with others who have been through the same process and get a referral. Here in NY, the lawyer can make or break the process for you.

I will be thinking of you and hoping you and your boys get through this ok. I am sure you will, but unfortunately pain is a necessary part of the process.

Suzanne
BBB 4/00

Thanks everyone.

The boys and I are going camping this weekend -- joining up with a photo workshop led by some good friends (husband/wife team). My stress levels have been exceptionally high and this weekend should help some. I have found my memory and powers of concentration being affected by the stress -- but reconizing the stress is the first step in finding ways to reduce it.

I talked with one of the photographers leading the workshop over sandwiches yesterday (he was up early to scout locations out) and that was a great help. We swapped horror stories (his not related to divorce, but to other family issues). Actually I found listening to someone else's problems helped me to reduce the focus on my own.

Both husband and wife are incredible kind and thoughtful people...they will be good to be around. They will also have their assistant along -- and her 12 year old son, so the boys will have fun together.

The long weekend sort of screwed up the timing for getting some legal help, but I have my name in for some low cost legal advice and for the court's self-help center. I should be able to get back on track on Tuesday.

Vaughn


3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks
http://s515.photobucket.com/albums/t356/vaughn3abc/

Vaughn, I am so sorry to hear about your divorce. Even though I do not know you IRL, you have been a calm and steady presence here on TC, and it makes my heart sad for you and your family. Take care of yourself during this time.

Vaughn,

I so sorry, I hope you find the peace and strength you will need for yourself, the boys and even for Marianne over the next period of months. May you both be able to clearly and lovingly keep your children in mind while dealing with each other. {{{Hugs}}}

Kim
Nate, Nick & Noel(36w4d)and Nia.

<a href="http://www.tickercentral.com"><img border="0" src=""></a>


http://www.tickercentral.com>

Well, I found out one benefit of being "poor" -- I got some free legal advice (45 minutes worth) and when I filed my response at the court house today, I qualified for the fee waiver ($355). At first the clerk and I thought I just missed out on the max income level for the waiver (by less than $100). As I was filling out the check, I asked if having three kids makes any difference -- turns out with the three kids, I make only half of the max income allowed.

Monday is the first hearing - I think I am prepared for it. I think Marianne is in for a shock. I don't think she realizes that due to my income and hers (almost 5 times mine), that she might be paying for child support, spousal support (alimony for 11 years), a part of her retirement when she does retire, and the biggest blow to her -- not being able to take her inheritance off the top of the value of the house when it gets split in half. It was her money until she comingled it into community property when we bought the larger house. And she may have to help me pay for a lawyer also.

Her lawyer should have told her all that. It is not that I want all of that, but I need to be able to set up a home for me and the boys for the time I will have them. At the same time, she'll need enough money, too. Two households will just be more expensive than one. I don't think there is another man in the picture -- but I am almost hoping there is who can help her out -- and hopefully make her happy as I have obviously failed to do.

Vaughn and the ABC Boys
Alex, Bryce, & Calder
3-31-97 @ 28.5 weeks
http://s515.photobucket.com/albums/t356/vaughn3abc/

I'm glad you have received some good counsel and you are protecting yourself and the boys in the hopes of a fair settlement for all. It is not uncommon for the higher-wage earner (the wife) to pay spousal support to the husband. Health benefits, car insurance and other items are all things the judge and layers will help you work out.

You sound very positive and we'll be holding good thoughts for the first hearing on Monday.

Sharon
13 year old b/b/b + 16 year old son

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Sounds like you are getting good counsel.

Heather, BBBB (two identical, two fraternal) 28 1/2 weeks, now age 18!

Vaughn,
I have not logged on lately b/c I have forgotten my password. I had to create one tonight so I could tell you how much I admire your poise and respect on here. I am sure you all remember my rants froma few years ago,I have the most respect for someone who can keep it together as you seem to be now! I wish you the best.
Becky