Has anyone here survived it and had the marriage get back to normal?

I'm asking for a friend. <sad smile>

MTM - mom to Michael(84),Stephan(85), Thomas, Matthew and Kathryn - born 12/27/99 at 32w 0 days

Hi!

Infidelity is always a heartbreak. I think you can always mend a marriage if both parties involved are willing to do what it takes to rebuild the trust in the relationship. From being married for so long(21 years), I have learned that trust pretty much is rule #1. If she is not willing to literally forget and start over is not going to happen. If it will come out on every fight after that is not worth even the effort of trying to work it out. If she cannot let it go and basically start over, is not even useful to spend money in therapy
It is always very sad to see a couple struggling with this, lots of prayer are needed.
Good luck!

My sister is surviving it. At the time the infidelity was discovered, I couldn't believe she'd even consider remaining married. I was so angry and hurt - and it wasn't even me he was unfaithful to. I can't imagine how she felt. Initially, I stood by her as she wanted to work things out. As time went on though and he was dragging her along for the ride, I felt like enough was enough. I was ready to kick him to the curb myself. I just wanted to shake some sense into her - after all, she deserved so much better than that.

To make a long story short, they are still together (and we actually share a house now). They went through counseling - together and separately. I'd be lying if I said trust weren't an issue. If he's home late from work, that glimmer of doubt is sparked. I have to say though, he's working hard on earning that trust back. He knows he has to be accountable - he calls and checks in regularly, he answers her questions (even if she sometimes seems like a nag) and he is very remorseful. Since he violated that trust, he accepts that he now has to go through extra measures to reassure his wife and that he is also under extra scrutiny. In many other ways, their marriage has been strengthened, but I think that total and complete trust will never be there again.

As for me, I have to say I am totally thankful that things are working out. My sister is happy, which in turn makes me happy. Besides, he's an incredible uncle and a pretty darn good brother-in-law too.

(My sister's pretty open about her experiences, so if your friend would like someone to talk to, let me know and I'll give you my sister's e-mail address. Or, she can just e-mail me and my sister will get it as well - since we all live in the same house.)

Sandy.
adoptive mom to "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs"

One of my very close friends went through this last year and they are still together. He wants to work it out but she is purely staying with him because of their kids. She hasn't said it but I think she has given up on him. He has never been a good husband to her so her expectations were low before the affair and this was just the final straw. For me, I respect and love my husband so much that I think infidelity would destroy me & the marriage.

Theresa
DD-10
DD-9
GBG- 4.5

(((Hugs and prayers for your friend, Ruth)))
Tracey

Michael (9)
Francesca (8)
Matthew, Alexis & Gabrielle (6)
Torunn--exhange student (18)

Again, Momsandy said it best.

It's hard to say what I would do in that siutation, but wanted to share what I heard it described as once:

Infidelity is like toothpaste coming out of a tube. It makes a mess, you can't get it back into the tube, and the tube is never the same again. You can clean up the mess and make the tube look nice again, but there will always be something missing.

Much love to your friend.

Robin

I was married once before and my not so ex-DH was unfaithful. We had no children so it wasn't an overly complicated situation. What I found was that my trust was so violated that I would never have trusted him again. Getting out was really the only option I considered. Being the victim of infidelity takes a huge toll on your self esteem and self worth.

It is my belief that marriages are generally vulnerable when a spouse makes the decision to cheat. However, trying to find comfort and pleasure outside of a marriage isn't the way to fix problems. It took me many years to learn to trust my own judgement and to trust other men. I was divorced for 10 years before I gave it a second try.

I would recommend that your "friend" see her doctor for a full STD panel. There are too many diseases that can be passed around.

Lisa
Mom to Aidan, Christian, and Rachel (10.03.01 @ 36wks)

I am very sorry to hear that your friend is going through such a situation. The only advice I can suggest is attending a weekend of "Marriage Encounter". It is something my husband and I actually attended before kids and without any infidelity issues, but we were just generally discontent with our marriage. I don't know if we would still be married today without it!! Marriage Encounter is a program run by the Catholic church, but you by no means need to be Catholic to attend. "Mentor" couples run the sessions and the focus is on spiritual love for your marriage/spouse through better communication.

We attended Marriage Encounter our first year of marriage and it has facillitated a much better marriage nearly 15 years later. We were going through a very bad time in the beginning due to multiple circumstances and it made all the difference.

Couples stay in a hotel for a weekend. Check-in is on a Friday evening and dismissal is on Sunday morning. The teaching sessions are intense with time set aside for communication excersizes for individual couples in the privacy of their rooms. I would compare it to a year's worth of marriage counseling sessions packed into one weekend. It is an amazing experience.

Just do a search for "Marriage Encounter" on the web. ME runs sessions in every community. It requires a time commitment, but every moment will return to you ten-fold! Good luck.

Ruth,
{{{hugs}}} to the friend! i'd think that the underlying cause of the infidelity would determine the outcome of staying or breaking. is there a reason that they felt the need to go outside of the marriage for sex? is the other spouse partly to blame for that reason, like a total emotional disconnect? or was it just lust? a once in a lifetime thing? is there love involved?? if there is love for the other person, that would make it much more sticky too. just a few things i would be considering before I made a rash decision regarding the end of my marriage. if i felt like i pushed mike away, i may be able to forgive him & myself for that. i'd be willing to work through it & give it a chance. if he REALLY loved someone else though, I may not be able to fix that.
Lou & the crew in philly

Ruth,

More later but I need to add to the Marriage Encounter post. There is a program for deeply troubled marriages that is run similarly to ME but is much more intense. It is called "Retrouvaille". I have posted about it before. It started through the Catholic church but is not limited to Catholics. If you are interested in more info, let me know.

ME is a great program but I think that Retrouvaille would be more appropriate for the situation you are mentioning. I am so sorry for your friend.

My only other comment has to do with the word "normal". I think the toothpaste analogy was excellent. "Normal" will never be what it was bc you cannot go back and erase the memories or the scars. But time can heal - it will take a lot of commitment and devotion and more than a little counseling and learning to communicate. The affair isn't the problem, it is a symptom of a bigger problem (IMO) - in lots of cases.

I'm so sorry for your friend.

Marie

Okay, confessing to this one. Yes my DH cheated on me and we have survived. It hasn't been easy, and with all the other struggles in our lives (financially, children, health, and many more) it's been tough. I still have days of anger and distrust, but I'm working on it. I don't believe any marrige skates through without consistent and constant work. The issues may be different, bigger or smaller, but work. I've often said to people that marriage isn't a 50/50 deal, but a 100/100. Both have to give 100 percent or it won't work. I believe that if both of them are willing to work then it can be something to keep together. One other thought, the bible says to forgive, but it doesn't mention that you have to forget. It's important to remember the difference there. You can't erase the memory of it, but you can forgive.

Kim
Nate, Nick & Noel(36w4d)and Nia.

<a href="http://www.tickercentral.com"><img border="0" src=""></a>


http://www.tickercentral.com>