I have triplets (2 boys, 1 girl) who are all in the same class (small rural school). On Monday one of my sons brought home a birthday invitation to a boys party who is very popular in the class. My other son did not receive an invitation. Not only were the invitations handed out at school, but, on the day of the party all of the boys are taking the bus home with this particular boy. In speaking to my sons it seems that 4 of the 12 boys in the class were not invited.

My dilemma is whether to let the son who was invited go or not. He is so excited and really wants to go. I know the one who was not invited has been having a hard time fitting in at school. He has a real temper, and doesn’t put up with a lot of crap from anyone. As a result, he’s not very well liked by his peers. His one comment was “I have invited Jake to every one of my birthday parties”. I have always invited all of the boys in the class to our parties rather than leave anyone out.

So, do I keep J. from going, and risk him being resentful of his brother, or do I use this as a life lesson to N. that if you’re not nice to people, you won’t be invited places. In defense of the boy having the party, if he and N. don’t get along, then he shouldn’t have to invite someone to his party that he doesn’t like. Any thoughts? This is not an issue for my daughter, she is fully aware that there are boy parties and girl parties.

This is hard, but we've made the rule that if you get invited you go and if you don't then you get to stay home. IMHO they aren't a unit of boys, but individuals (which is what we try to hard to get everyone to realized) so I encourage people to invite the ones their children are close to and not to worry about the others. They all get invited to parties individually and now we have no problems with it, but the first couple of times was hard.

Kim
Nate, Nick & Noel(36w4d)and Nia.

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wow - this is a tough one.. I have three boys, same class and all are invited to classmates parties.. I have no personal experience, however if I did I experience this. I would explain that everyone has their own friends, and let the boy who was invited go to the party.

My boys play on different soccer teams this year (2/1 split due to different skill level) , anyway one was invited to a party of a teammate- absolutley refused to go, because his brother's weren't invited.. (his brother's didn't even know the kid that well.. My guys are thick as thieves.. Had he wanted to go I would have let him..

good luck..

Lisa mom to Melanie(28)
Guillermo,Jonathan,William(10.9.01 @34 weeks)
grandma to Brianna(5)

I think it is hard to keep kids from talking about birthday invitations due to the excitement, but those not invited can end up with hurt feelings. In this situation, I would send the son that received the invitation. He shouldn't be penalized because his brother wasn't invited.

This is a great learning opportunity if your goal is for your kids to be treated as individuals. My boys have been in this situation before. The invitations are based on friendships, and oftentimes only a set number of kids can be invited. We don't invite all of the kids from school to birthday parties. It would be 40+ kids before we get around to friends outside of school.

Have you tried setting up playdates for the son having difficulty fitting in? We watched the new American Girl movie this week, and it has great lessons in friendship for both girls and boys. It provided an excellent opportunity to talk about how kids treat each other.

good luck,

Lisa
Mom to Aidan, Christian, and Rachel (10.03.01 @ 36wks)

First of all, I think it was so rude of the family of the birthday boy to have him hand out invitations at school when he was not inviting the whole class. That makes me so mad. I agree that he should be able to invite who he wants, but to bring the invites to school is just rude and cruel. What are his parents thinking??

However, I really do think you should let your invited son go to the party. It sounds like this is a big deal to him and I'm guessing that he is not going to forget it if you don't let him go. It just wouldn't be fair to punish J for choices that his brother makes at school regarding friends. I know that if I were invited to a friend's party, I'd be pretty upset if my mom wouldn't let me go because my sister wasn't invited. Especially, if she wasn't invited because she doesn't act nice to the friend. I do agree with your statement that it would hopefully be a good life lesson for your other son. I hope that he gets invited next year.

Good luck!!!

Kelly
Ben, Jack & Drew 05/28/02
Charlie 07/06/06
Aunt to: Liam, Aidan & Connor 03/05/08
www.outnumberedmommy.blogspot.com

I was actually just coming here to post basically the same thing in reverse. My kids also (gbb) are in different classes, and I feel like they are excluded because they are considered a set. I actually wish they would start to get invited separately rather than not at all.

there is no easy answer. I also agree with the person who said that the invites should not be handed out in school. My kids can each only nvite 5 kids, and I will mail those invites.

I would let the one boy go, and explain that even though they are the same age they will have diffeent friends

Our boys go to a small rural school also. This is their first year there, so I don't have much experience with this. In the past at other schools they do not allow invitations to be given out at school if everyone is not getting one. A couple of years ago, when the boys were all in different classes one got an invitation to a party and he went. He did ok with it, and things would have been ok but that never happened again. All the other parents just seemed to include all 3 in the invitations. It think that was in part to the boys being in different classes with different kids each year, so they had all been together at some point or another. Does that make sense??

I agree about them needing to be individuals and this is something we are REALLY REALLY struggling with this year. I've actually been thinking about how they can assert themselves as individuals more. If anyone has ideas on that I would love to hear them. I was thinking of starting by allowing them to each invite different friends over. But then would I need to invite 3 boys over each time. That's a lot! Sometimes it would be fine, but other times rough!

Pam
BBB 9/98

The first thing you should do is speak to the principal of your children's school. The elementary school that my children attend explicitly states that: "unless you're inviting every child in your child's class to any type of party, the invitations MUST be mailed to their home." I understand that this will elminiate only part of your dilema.

I would let your invited son attend the party. It will be difficult for your other son, but this is how I look at it - my trio are three individual children. They are NOT a unit that goes everywhere and does everything together.

You didn't mention the age of your trio...might be helpful to give you more advice.

Trio Di Mio
BGG born @ 36 weeks

btt

Our boys are in Kindergarten and in three different classes. Luckily in Kindergarten the school rule is to please invite the whole class. Our boys do get invited seperately to parties and the ones who do not get invited do not go. We try to focus on it positively and treat them as individuals letting them know that over time they will each get seperate invitations. One of our boys was so excited when he was invited alone he slept with the invitation for two weeks.

I would send the two to the party, don't punish them and do something special with the other triplet giving him some one on one time. Everybody wins. Good luck.

In the early elementary years all three girls were invited to a party. That was okay (of course, then you have the how much of a gift to bring dilemma.) As they became older, they had separate friends and separate parties. At first it was hard for them to understand but they learned, they adjusted.

I agree that invitations should not be given at school unless everyone is invited. However, you still would have one not invited.

Does the mom of the birthday boy know he has a same gender sibling? I would think if you're school is small she would. However, in our school we have cousins with the same last name in the same classroom. So, I could see that happening.

And, like others said, it does depend on the age of your children.
Diane

Diane
mom to G 6/94, GGBG 9/96, G 2/04