To all you Moms and Dads, what do you do when a Mother just doesn't get the hint that you don't want to do playdates? My kids don't like this little girl (I posted before)I never told the mother that my kids don't like her kid. What happened is a friend invited my kids over to her house I said sure, then I found out that this little girl was going to be there too, so I told my kids and they said they didn't want to go. I called the Mother to cancel and she told me that her DD doesn't like this little girl either that the Mother cornered her into a play date. So what do you do? My DH would have no problem just telling it like it is, but I feel bad. I feel bad because no one wants their kids not being liked. So what do you do? There are just so many excuses you can use and believe me she does not get the hint. Please help

Donna Mom to Tyler, Samantha, Zackary almost 7 years old

Is there a specific reason you can hone in on other than they just don't "like" her? Is she rough with them -- like too physical? Does she exclude 1 or 2 of them to favor the 3rd? Does she not share toys?

I am thinking the conversation with the Mom would be easier if you could point out specific examples of WHY her daughter is un-liked. There has to be some reason why at this age. I feel like my kids (almost 7) will pretty much play with anyone at this point. There is one boy that they all agree is undesirable, however, and it is because he is way too rough.

If his mother tried to push a playdate, I think I would feel comfortable saying that I had talked to my kids and they all said XXX played too rough.

Also, if you can pinpoint what the issue is, then maybe there is a solution. If she doesn't share toys nicely, then maybe you can meet somewhere where there aren't any toys -- like a playground.

Tara

Mom to BBG born at 33wks on 4/3/03

As the mom to older kids, we've had lots of excuses. I found that I had to be quite direct with a few people. They will get the message if you deliver it in a firm manner.

There are a variety of statements that can be made. And make them statements, not questions.

"My kids are going through an odd time right now. Playdates are iffy with us. I'll let YOU know when they are willing." Smile and walk away. No negative comment about her child, no stating that you don't do playdates, no reason for any feedback.

"Our playdate time is very limited. I'll let you know where we're free." Again, it puts you in the driver seat. Always have a smile on your face and change the subject.

If she tries to force herself into a playdate, nice state, "No, that won't work for us. I'll give you a call when it might be possible."

Remember, people will walk over you if you let them. If I remember correctly, you've already been very nice and had your kids tolerate a bad playdate with them. You can't force your kids to like this child.

In elementary school, I found there to be lots of opportunities to be firm. It doesn't mean that you have to be rude. You don't want to be the only parent to every host playdates, help in class, drive on field trips, etc.

When my boys were in 3rd grade (separate classes), one class was going to cancel the field trip. There were not a lot of participating parents in this particular class and I did it all - drive, volunteer, host parties, etc. But I had knee surgery, was in a leg brace, and downing pain meds just one week post-surgery. I could not drive on the field trip. One parent made a very rude call to me. Her son wanted to go on the field trip. How bad it was that I couldn't drive. I should drive because of her son. It went on and on.

I was livid. You can't make all parents happy. I told her that I refused to drive any of my kids in my current state. I couldn't even get my leg into the car in a brace, let alone drive while on pain meds. It wasn't safe. If she wanted to have the field trip happen, she'd have to drive. She refused because she had an important meeting to go to.

The morale of the story is that some parents are obnoxious. You can't make them happy. Don't try. And don't be forced into a playdate that you don't want.

Best wishes,

Sharon
13 year old b/b/b + 16 year old son

Donna~

You've already gotten some great advice. I really like what Sharon wrote and it's: some parents are just obnoxious.

I think you continue to be polite and make the excuses of being busy.

I've been so lucky to have found a few Moms that I totally mesh with and our kids like each other, too. I hope it lasts through their grade school years. It's been so awesome to click with people.

Having said that, I think it's just as normal to have the exact opposite rapport with certain people. There's just no chemistry for whatever reason. Despite being polite and kind, it's pretty certain no playdates are in the future.

I have a similar situation in my world. The little girl is obnoxious. She teases. She takes delight in teasing. She just has this wicked little personality. Her Mom totally ignores her behavior and somehow convinces herself she's observing her child playing and being sweet when in reality, she's being a little Nellie Olson.

Anyway. Without boring you with my sordid tale of obnoxious parents and kids, the moral is: be cheerful and stupid. I'm not sure the truth is even necessary; just keeping making your excuses while being polite.

Lisa

That is a tough one. Social skills are so hard to learn, and some people never do learn them. I had one little boy in the kids' preschool class that my trio constantly talked about being a bad friend. Hearing them talk I decided they should avoid him as much as possible.

Then when I went to help out in class I could see that he just didn't have the social skills to make friends well. It wasn't that he was trying to be mean, he just hadn't seen nice behaviors modelled. (the family unit was pretty messed up) I could just sense that he had a good heart if only someone could help him to learn how to behave in a nicer way. It still breaks my heart a year later.

On the other hand, I am convinced that one girl in the neighborhood is very troubled. She just has that look to her eyes that says she doesn't care and will do whatever makes her happy. (I've already had one run-in with her mom about her older sister) We do try to avoid this family, but happily the mom is still mad at me for letting her know about the older girl's behavior.

I'm not sure which category your "friend" falls into. It may be that the mom realizes that her daughter needs to work on her social skills and is trying to help with playdates....or it may be that the mom just wants a break from her "Nellie" so is pushing her onto other mom's.
It is so hard for a kid to overcome the reputation of not being someone you should play with, but kids really can change. Of course, many will always be a pain too. Maybe you could do some digging to figure out what category this girl is in. It might put your mind at ease with whatever decision you reach.

Andi
g/b/g
6 yo's in kindy

P.S. I'm still trying to figure out one of my son's "friends". He was saying/doing mean things to DS so much I talked to the teacher on the bus who move the friend to another seat. 2 days later we ran into the kid on a walk and it was like the two of them were best buddies....DS asked if we could do a playdate with him. UGH