My mom is a retired teacher and is always free with giving her advice to me (gotta love a mom!) So anyway, she is always telling me I do to much for my kids, like stepping in and solving their problems. Latest issue, DS (J) came home from school upset that some boys at school have been excluding him from kick-ball. In front of all the other kids they have been calling out "raise your hand if you don't want J on your team!" then raising their hands. He was upset when he told me about it and said it has been going on since the start of this school year. These boys are doing it to several kids including my one son. J said if you are not a friend of theirs or play really well, they make you play on the other team. One of these boys is even friend's with my other DS (D) and came with us on the kids b-day outing. I know the mom, and she would be shocked to find out her son was treating people that way.
I asked J if he was comfortable talking to the one boy about it to let him know that what he is doing is hurting other people's feelings. He was a bit unsure so I asked him if he could pick an adult at school he trusted (his teacher or one of the Duties at recess all the kids love) and ask them to help him talk this out with the boys (or at least the one boy.) The next day at school he just avoided the problem all together and found something else to do. He told me this weekend he didn't want to talk to anyone at school because he didn't want the boys to feel like they were in trouble or worse, get mad at him. So Monday, with J's permission, he and I went in early and talked to the teacher. I had e-mailed the teacher ahead of time and gave her a little heads up about the situation and asked her if she could help the boys resolve this. I told her J's concerns about getting the other boys in trouble and I did not share the boys' names in the e-mails. I thought J should be the one to give the specifics to her including the names of the boys involved only if he was comfortable enough to share that with her. When we spoke to her face to face, I let J and her talk and tried not to play an active part in the conversation. I did share some, but mostly just repeating what he had told me at home. I did not tell the teacher how to deal with the problem, I only asked in the e-mail if she could help resolve this. (Is that telling her what to do???) After school J told me they all talked and he liked the way the teacher dealt with it. He said he played kick-ball at recess and everyone got to play.
So now my mom thinks I did too much, "he needs to learn to fight his own battles." She said if it was important enough to him he would have persued it on his own. And of course she has to tell me I am only getting one side of the story and kids only tell their parents to get their sympathy and to control them. OK these are things I have heard pretty much my whole life but the mom in me feels like I only guided him in getting the problem resolved. I don't feel like I fixed it for him. I am curious what other teachers think, does J's teacher see me as an over-involved parent? Should I have just talked to J at home and let him decided what to do at school?
After previewing my post, I can now hear my mom's advice to all of you. "Remember you are only getting one side of the story here." And yes, I am looking for a little sympathy, I am a little tired of being told I am doing to much for them. But if that is true, if I do need to back off a bit, then hearing it from another teacher would mean more to me than hearing it from my mom (again!!!)
Thanks

Shell~
B/B/G 1/7/2000

I am a retired public school teacher/principal, as well as an involved triplet grandma. I volunteer 2x/week in my grandchildren's kindergarten classes, including recess. My opinion is that you handled this situation perfectly. Young children can't just solve problems like this on their own. The best they can do is avoid, like your son did. By avoiding a difficult/unfair situation, he is not learning assertiveness skills and the other kids are getting away with a form of bullying. Many schools now in our state are "Community of Caring" schools that actively work on issues such as these. I think this is so important, especially in this day and age. You have very good instincts. Just keep doing what you are doing!

Thanks so much for your encouragement. I was wondering how he would ever learn to deal with the problem if he didn't get any guidance in the first place. I guess it's a fine line we have to walk, helping them learn how to deal with problems without doing all the work for them.
Thanks again~

Shell~
B/B/G 1/7/2000

I think you did great. I'm not a teacher, just a mom, but think you took appropriate actions. You could have stormed into the classroom and screamed, "My baby isn't being treated fair! Fix it!" That would not have been appropriate.

You gave your child coping skills that will last him a lifetime. He needs to learn them in a safe, caring environment. You did just that and were considerate of his feelings. It was a learning experience for him. Good for you!

Let me share a story about my boys in 6th grade. One boy in class kept picking on another child that had a few special needs. Not real obvious disabilities but more social coping issues. My trio kept telling the "bully" to leave the boy alone and it usually stopped. But they told me that one lunch period, the "bully" took the other child's lunch and kept taking his cap away. They didn't tell their teacher because he was absent that day.

This type of stuff can get out of hand. I sent a discreet email to the teacher. He handled it beautifully. The "bully" was surprised that the teacher knew what had happened the day before. He explained that kindness was important and made the two boys work together on some fun projects. They ended up friends. No more "bullying." The teacher also appreciated being made aware of situations. He can be everywhere at once and wants to know things that are important - not tattling.

I'm a strong believe that most teachers are good souls. They want to help their students learn lessons in and out of the classroom. Being a good citizen is one of those lessons and by giving your son's teacher the chance to teach a life lesson was awesome. All the kidsin that kickball game will appreciate your quiet, behind-the-scene actions.

You son knows you are an advocate for him, too!

Good job, mom.

Sharon
12 year old b/b/b + 16 year old son

Thanks Sharon, I was feeling a bit discouraged when I posted. I thought I handled it in a way that wasn't overprotective, but after hearing twice that I need to let them handle their own problems I started second guessing myself. It's funny how the person who deliveres the message can affect one so greatly, if I would have been told the same thing from a friend I would have brushed it off but since it was my mom I doubted myself.

It's heartwarming to hear how your boys were able to stand up to a bully when they were not even the target. That is a hard thing to do since you run the risk of being the new target when you do that. I've talked to my kids several times about bullying and they know that if you just stand by and watch, you are saying that behavior is ok. Kids need to know how to stand together to stop a bully.

Thanks for the encouragment.

Shell~
B/B/G 1/7/2000

This is a wonderful story, thanks for sharing it. I think everybody did a good job - your son for coming to you for help, you for listening carefully and advising and checking back and taking more steps to help when it proved necessary, the teacher for handling it gracefully and effectively, and even the playground kids for changing their team-picking strategy. I'd be interested to hear how things keep going longer term too. Remember bullying is TERRIBLE for the bulliers too!

And your son has learned that adults who are important and close to him are interested in his state of mind and his happiness and those things are important and taken seriously.

Sounds very positive and not heavy-handed.

Nancy

mom to beautiful BBG triplets, born February 2002 at 33 wks, 4 days

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Shell,

It sounds, to me, like you handled it perfectly! So much better to teach kids how to resolve issues like this as early as possible. In the adult world there is mediation - how is this different? I think you didn't baby your son - you didn't demand a pound of flesh from the bully - you encouraged communication and a search for a solution with the teacher as a mediator.

Our parents are of a different generation - they don't understand our obsession with safety for our kids, etc. bc "None of that stuff hanppened when we were little!" - ha. As I've told my mom - the media wasn't what it is today back then and they just didn't hear about stuff.

Obviously what you did worked bc everyone got to play today. Now, the bully will still be a bully but now people will keep an eye on him. It is so much better for him to learn these lessons NOW rather than later when the consequences are so much greater.

Great job mom (and son)!

Marie

It's such a tough call. He needs to know that you'll help him when needed, but also that he has to work some things out for himself. The behavior of the other boys borders on bullying, IMO.

I think you handled it well, let your DS discuss the problem with someone who could help with it. Stand behind him and give him courage to fight his battles, but let him do it. It becomes a teachable moment for all, as long as the teacher handles it well.

I applaud you for resisting the urge to talk to the kid's mother. Though I sure would want to know if my kids were behaving that way. It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out "who told" his mom and then your DS would have bigger problems with those boys.

I had a similar issue where 1st grade boy was teasing my 3rd grade DS on the bus about his friendship with a girl. Of course, the 1st grade boy learned about the friendship from MY 1st grade girls.

I went through all the questions: should I call the boy's parents (I don't really know them), should I call the bus driver, should I help my DS figure out how to handle it without being mean himself? I was stumped, and then I got a call from the little girl's mom. Her older sister said there was teasing and pointed the finger at another boy- a 4th grader (whose mother I KNOW would be appalled if she knew). I probed about the 4th grader in a round about way, but all my kids fingered ONLY the 1st grader.

More questions in my mind- if DS ignores the 1st grade boy, will the others think he's a wimp and get a reputation for being a baby? If he gets upset and cries over a 1st grader's comments, then he's a baby. How does he save face?

So the girl's mom called the bus driver. I never got a chance. The next day the kids came off the bus and they got a tongue-lashing from the driver. She told them THREE parents called her about bus behavior and would cut them off from ALL candy for the year if she got another one of THOSE calls.

So the kids are telling me this and my DS says "she got calls from 3 parents, which I'm sure one was YOU!" I didn't do anything and still, kids think DS's mommy came to his rescue. YEESHHH!

As a friend of a friend says, "nothing good ever happens on the bus."

MonsterMom6
10 year old ^b^ b twins @ 30w5d (1 survivor) and
8 year old gggg quads @ 32w0d

I agree that you handled it perfectly! As a teacher, I definitely want parents to come to me with situations like yours. Just this week I had a parent come to me about a student stealing snacks in our classroom. I was so glad they brought it to my attention.

Plus even if you are getting only one side of the story, how are you going to get the other side without asking? Don't give your decision another thought! Your behavior just shows an involved parent and is no where near over-involved! Over-involved is the parent that is still putting her child's lunch away, hanging up her jacket, getting her started on their morning work, and has to be asked to leave 30 minutes after the bell rings. Yup I actually have that parent this year.

Jennifer
GBG 2/20/2007
@29 weeks

Thanks you guys! All your responses & support mean so much to me. I'll post again after a week or two and let you know if things are still going well.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the problems we had when they were little. The logistics of taking care of three babies or toddlers wasn't easy, but the social issues that come up as they get older can be emotionally hard. I can't put a bandaid on hurt feelings but I hope I can help them learn how to deal with them.
Thanks bunches

Shell~
B/B/G 1/7/2000

Shell:

I also think that you handled this perfectly. Not only did you not storm fort, but you found a constructive method for teaching your son how to get the problem resolved. In management, we are directed to try to address the issue on a peer level, and if it can't be resolved, we go to management. In a favorite book of mine, we're directed to go to the offender first, and if it can't be resolved, to higher sources to assist in resolving things. You simply applied the proper technique into the school circumstance.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.