Its just one of those days that I can't stop crying. My DH and I are divorcing and I will be a single mom of 2.5 year old triplets. Right now we are living in the weird alternative universe of living in the same house. Economically we just can't afford to support two households until I find work or sell the house. The house is listed for less than we paid but given the market, who knows when it will sell.

I was doing ok for a while but I just heard that I got a second interview for a full time position. I know this is good news but it just means all of this may actually happen. I am currently a SAHM - a job I LOVE more than anything. I was of "advanced maternal age" when I had my kids and did the whole career thing already. I can think of nothing I want to do that excites me like being home with my kids excites me.

Now I am facing leaving my kids all day everyday, moving somewhere, having to find daycare, doing it all alone. . . .

No the marriage won't be saved, yes we tried counseling for months until he up and walked out of one of the sessions, yes we are being civil in front of the kids (actually we don't fight at all we just ignore each other unless the kids are around), and yes we are trying to find a way throught this mess without permanently scarring our kids.

I'm just so scared and tired and emotionally and physically drained by all of this.

Someone tell me I will survive this hurt and my kids will be ok.

Suzanne

Hi Suzanne,

My heart breaks for the pain youŽre going through. Our girls are about 2.5, too, and IŽm a SAHM and I would be devastated if I had to leave them, too. I canŽt tell you it will be ok, because I donŽt know the future. But I do know Who holds the future, and I know He makes all things work together for good for those who love Him. I wish I could hug you and comfort you, but even better, I will pray that the God of all comfort will comfort you. I urge you to seek Him because He will not disappoint you nor leave you, no matter what your circumstances. Please feel free to e-mail me if youŽd like a listening šearš at any time. galaka60@gmail.com

Hugs to you!

Dionne
Happily married to Juan Carlos and
mother of:
Gabriela 4 lb
Laura 3 lb 15 oz
Katalina 3 lb 12 oz
Born January 28, 2006 at 34 wks

Right now you are "in the moment" and it probably feels like the most painfull thing you will ever go thru. I went thru a divorce about 6 years ago and for about 6 months afterwards I was pathetic, crying all the time and calling him talking about reconcilation. Now that I look back on it and am out of the "moment" I can see it was one of the greatest steps I ever took in my life. I saw him at a party last summer and he looked aweful, I can't believe I was ever married to him and he was jobless. I on the other hand had a hot date was lookin extra fine and had started a new job. You will see, you seem like a strong person you will make it. You go girl don't let no man keep you down.

Reta

Kipras, Kajus, Rokas born 7/4/ 2008

hi suzanne
i am sorry i didn't know this forum existed until today.
YES you will survive this hurt. your kids are going to be fine as well.
from talking to friends whose parents divorced or stayed together "for the sake of the kids", they all say that they wished their parents had divorced as amicably as possible instead of going through years of tension. it sounds like you are making the best effort possible, and are planning well for their future. you should take comfort in how well you are planning, although it pains you.

there will be support groups for single mums, even informal ones. join one of those groups, get feedback and support. don't do it all alone, there are friends who will provide opinions and options, even if family isn't nearby or wont.

i'm sorry that reality is biting as the second interview looms...it sounds like your skills are in demand and you will be able to provide for the kids with your ex husabnds assistance. well DONE.

you're doing the best you can with your head held high. you should feel proud of yourself. your kids will.

tess
mummy to 6yr old ds & the triumverate born 2004

"the days are slow but the years fly by quickly"

Suzanne,
I'm glad you posted and I agree with the PP's. This must be one of the hardest times for you, as seeing each other must be so painful. I hear you when you say you are not as excited to go to work as stay at home ... I think a lot of moms feel that way. You will still have quality time with your children. Your children will still know how much you love them and - I say this in kindness - they might enjoy time at childcare. My kids are older and although they tell me at times they don't want to go to school etc, they are always upset if they miss something there. I hope you can find encouragement and support through friends or a support group as you deserve it right now.
Wendy

Suzanne,

My husband and I are both children of divorce. Our parents' marriages dissolved for different reasons, but I can tell you that neither of us would want our parents together. Sure, divorce sucks. It is devastating. Sure I wish that they could have been happily married forever. But I can also tell you that you shouldn't underestimate your kids. I love my stepmother and my stepbrothers so much. We are truly a family, albeit a little unconventional.

I am a social worker with a clinical license and have done family counseling for several years. While I am certainly not an expert, I believe that kids are far more resilient than we give them credit for. When they know the expectations, the expectations are consistent, are loved and are safe - they adjust. Most of the people I know who haven't had adversity are not people I want to be friends with. Life is imperfect - you will teach your kids how to deal with that.

Hang in there.

Susanne

gbg @ 31.6
5/2006

Thank you all for your responses. Some days are better than others and the day I wrote was not a good day. I am trying to take it one day at a time and when that doesn't work, one hour at a time. My main struggle right now is the thought of going to work and leaving the kids. I know it is my struggle and I am not the only woman who ever had to face this. I also know the kids will adjust - most likely better than I will!

Susanne - your response really helped. I too have friends that are children of divorce who are happily married, perfectly adjusted adults. They had parents that worked together and made the best of a bad situation which is what we are trying to do.

Thanks again.

Suzanne

Suzanne,


I just found your post and wanted to send my support. I am a single mom of triplets who are 6 years old. My motto has always been "Failure is not an option". Raising three kids by yourself is no walk in the park, but it is absolutely possible and very rewarding.

When I think back about the years I spent in my oh-so-disfunctional marriage, I have regrets about having stayed in so long. After the initial shock and reorganizing of my life, things have fallen into a nice routine - life is peaceful and happy (that was never the case during the marriage).

My ex has very limited involvement with his children, that's pretty sad. I do what I can to make sure the kids are available when he wants to see them. Collecting child support has been a struggle - but some how we manage one day at at time

Feel free to contact me if you need any advice as you go through this transition in your life. Hang in there you are stronger than you think!

~Dionne
Mommy to Jessica, Alexa & William 02/20/02 31w6d

Hi Suzanne and everyone else who reads this,

I am a mom of triplet boys who just turned 12 years old. I stayed in a very co-existent marriage for much longer than I should have but like a lot of women in our situation, I stayed out of fear of the future, fear of having to give up my role as a SAHM for all these years, fear out of not being able to support myself and my kids in the way we were accustomed. I asked my husband to leave about 7 months ago. Since then he has made life so incredibly difficult and unbearable, I have days when I don't know how I will ever make it through this. My situation is a little different in that I never really pursued a career before kids. Now I am 47, have no solid work history, no skills to fall back on, am scared to death of having to hold down a job and have absolutely no support or offer of any type of vocational training from my ex. Five days before getting married 15 years ago I signed a prenuptial agreement, under duress, had no legal council of my own, and basically signed away all rights to everything if it was kept in his name only. The thing was drafted up so unconsciounably that even all assets and purchases made with his earnings would be his sole property. Basically, this would be everything as I have not worked outside of the home in almost 13 years!!! I had no idea what I was signing. Now I am in the process of legally challenging this document and do have a very good attorney but it is still our burden of proof to have this agreement shown to be so grossly one-sided and ruled invalid. Not only am I dealing with this but he is also fighting me for 50/50 custody which is so crazy since he has been very uninvolved in the history of caretaking with the kids. I completely understand having those "bad days" and crying a lot. Most of my days are spent that way. The thought of having my kids away from me half the time is killing me. This is one of those divorces that is very nasty and could drag on for years. God help me get through this. Fortunately I have wonderful supportive friends and know that someday, life will be so much better. It's just the road getting there that is going to be full of roadblocks.
I also welcome any support and suggestions that anyone has to offer. I just now found this message format while searching for some type of research done on the effects of divorce on higher order multiples.

Debbie

Debbie and Dionne,

Thanks for writing. Although I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, I'm glad to know there are others out there feeling the same thing and others that have been through it and have made it work.

Debbie - I wish I had more to say except I know so many of the feelings you are having. I know how you feel about giving up time with your kids and the frustration of looking for a job that will support you all. I hope you and your lawyer can figure something out that will work for you and your kids.

Dionne - Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really need to hear that it can be done, and done with grace. I keep trying to tell myself that in the end, it will be better and the new situation will become the "new normal." I try (sometimes very unsuccessfully) to remind myself that this can be a learning experience for my kids and I can teach them about overcoming adversity and living what you want, need, and believe. On my good days, I can see the positives. On my bad days, I am chicken little sitting with my umbrella with the sky falling.

I am thankful for this board and my place to vent.

Thanks for listening.

Suzanne

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