It was six years ago, at nearly precisely this time, that a moron of a doctor nonchalently said, "One of 'em's gone..." Not to beg the question, but did one of my babies simply pack up and decide to take up residence in another womb?? He kept repeating this as I was struggling to comprehend what he was saying. The conversation?

"What do you mean, one of them's gone?"

"One of them's gone."

"What do you mean, gone? Are you trying to tell me that one of my babies is dead?"

"Yeah. Gone...
well, now we need to decide what to do..." the last said as he is heading out of the room.

Wow.

We go from someone who would never listen to any of the horrible problems I was experiencing -- which I have since learned were all related to my pre-eclampsia that was diagnosed back on December 16, 2004 -- to "one of 'em's gone." His response to my complaints? He ridiculed me and continued to tell me that "I told you, triplets aren't a good idea."

It still hurts. It is coupled with the anger that comes from knowing that it didn't have to be this way. It is coupled with knowing that all three of my babies should be here today.

This morning has been very rough for me. And, on Monday we go back into trial on my case against the doctor and the hospital. Hopefully, by then, I will be past the *anniversary* hit. But, I'm thinking that I may bring in Carina's urn of ashes and a pink rosebud to commemorate this anniversary and leave her sitting at the front of counsel table on Monday.

For those of you with new grief, I promise you that the grief gets so much easier to handle as time goes by. But, anniversaries still suck, and right now I am hurting terribly as the minutes roll past. By 11:18 a.m., I had been given the news and knew exactly which baby I had lost. It is so sad and hurts so bad.

EDITED TO ADD: And, I praise God every day that I did not follow his recommendation and continue in the pregnancy for another two weeks. It would have killed Caidan and Caeleigh, and would most likely also have killed me. He tried to send me home and scheduled a c-section for January 9. When I insisted upon being admitted, they found that I was in severe pre-eclampsia and took my babies by emergency c-section on January 8. It was my mother's insistence that resulted in my being hospitalized on January 7. I praise God for her, too, and for her wisdom.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.