My mom is a retired teacher and is always free with giving her advice to me (gotta love a mom!) So anyway, she is always telling me I do to much for my kids, like stepping in and solving their problems. Latest issue, DS (J) came home from school upset that some boys at school have been excluding him from kick-ball. In front of all the other kids they have been calling out "raise your hand if you don't want J on your team!" then raising their hands. He was upset when he told me about it and said it has been going on since the start of this school year. These boys are doing it to several kids including my one son. J said if you are not a friend of theirs or play really well, they make you play on the other team. One of these boys is even friend's with my other DS (D) and came with us on the kids b-day outing. I know the mom, and she would be shocked to find out her son was treating people that way.
I asked J if he was comfortable talking to the one boy about it to let him know that what he is doing is hurting other people's feelings. He was a bit unsure so I asked him if he could pick an adult at school he trusted (his teacher or one of the Duties at recess all the kids love) and ask them to help him talk this out with the boys (or at least the one boy.) The next day at school he just avoided the problem all together and found something else to do. He told me this weekend he didn't want to talk to anyone at school because he didn't want the boys to feel like they were in trouble or worse, get mad at him. So Monday, with J's permission, he and I went in early and talked to the teacher. I had e-mailed the teacher ahead of time and gave her a little heads up about the situation and asked her if she could help the boys resolve this. I told her J's concerns about getting the other boys in trouble and I did not share the boys' names in the e-mails. I thought J should be the one to give the specifics to her including the names of the boys involved only if he was comfortable enough to share that with her. When we spoke to her face to face, I let J and her talk and tried not to play an active part in the conversation. I did share some, but mostly just repeating what he had told me at home. I did not tell the teacher how to deal with the problem, I only asked in the e-mail if she could help resolve this. (Is that telling her what to do???) After school J told me they all talked and he liked the way the teacher dealt with it. He said he played kick-ball at recess and everyone got to play.
So now my mom thinks I did too much, "he needs to learn to fight his own battles." She said if it was important enough to him he would have persued it on his own. And of course she has to tell me I am only getting one side of the story and kids only tell their parents to get their sympathy and to control them. OK these are things I have heard pretty much my whole life but the mom in me feels like I only guided him in getting the problem resolved. I don't feel like I fixed it for him. I am curious what other teachers think, does J's teacher see me as an over-involved parent? Should I have just talked to J at home and let him decided what to do at school?
After previewing my post, I can now hear my mom's advice to all of you. "Remember you are only getting one side of the story here." And yes, I am looking for a little sympathy, I am a little tired of being told I am doing to much for them. But if that is true, if I do need to back off a bit, then hearing it from another teacher would mean more to me than hearing it from my mom (again!!!)
Thanks

Shell~
B/B/G 1/7/2000