I'm sure you're husband is at the ideal weight for his height, right? Otherwise, how dare he open his mouth...

As mad, let down, embarassed, annoyed you are - find a time to tell him that you're working on this problem, and you need his support.

Maybe he was concerned about your health, and didn't know a more tactful way to bring it up. Maybe he's also strained w/ the babies and your normal romantic spark isn't there for him anyway.

I'm sorry he hurt your feelings! I doubt he meant to hurt you! Tell him what you need - help cleaning out junk food, cooking, shopping, a buddy at the gym, or to be left alone. My husband is pretty dense! I have to ask for exactly what I want in the emotional support department.

Good luck!
-Kelly. (who also needs to loose weight!)
14w5d

Katrina 8/26/97
Doug, Gillian and Eric 6/1/04 at 36w2d

I am totally floored reading this. Am I reading correctly that your babies are only five months and he is on your back about your weight. He has to be joking. Does he have any idea what your body has just gone through... My kids are 16 months and I have just started losing my weight.. It is so hard to find the time to lose the weight at the begining and I found myself eating what I could to keep my energy level going.
Your husband needs a reality check fast!!!! I would tell him you'll lose the weight when your ready and your doing it for you and the kids not for him!!!!
I am currently about 25 pounds over weight and just lost about 20 pounds my husband is helping me giving me the freedom to get up in the am to do a quick 4 mile run while he gets the day started with the kids. I also head out once a week to a Pilates class and head to the gym on the days work.

Please do this for you, not for him. You will resent him the whole time and you will end up gaining weight because you are so frustrated.

I'm sure you'll get a lot more comments on this, (us ladies on this site tend to stick to together on the weight issue).

Just for the record, when I married my husband I weighed 258 pounds, my wedding dress was a size 24... Of course I am no wear near that now (thank god) being a about a size 12 now! But I can honestly say he did not love me any more or less witht he weight on or off. Perhaps your husband needs to re-think why he loves you and what he loves about you! Sorry for going on and on but weight is a sensitive subject for me.

Good luck..
proud mom to
Zoe 4/15/98
Zackary, Cleo and Tyler 8/13/02

Traci

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!! I would kill my husband if he said that to me! If he even insinuated that I was anything but the most beautiful woman he has ever seen then he wouldn't be getting any for a month - LOL. He knows better - I've been with him since he was 16 so I've trained him well - hehehe.

That being said, I'm sure you do want to have a healthy relationship, so I'd do as the other poster said and tell him exactly what you need. And also that you don't ever again want to hear him say that he doesn't find you attractive. I'm sure he didn't realize exactly how much that can cut to the core for us women, but I'd be sure to let him know so that he doesn't repeat this feeling again. I don't want to get too personal, but are there little things that you can do to make yourself more attractive to him? Use your womanly ways! }> }> }>

I'm a comfort eater too. If I weren't running after these babies all day then I would be packing on a ton of weight. If they stress me out in the morning then as soon as I can get them down for a nap I go for something like ice cream. I never have fruits or veggies - unless strawberry ice cream counts - LOL. Maybe we should go on a diet together!

luvmytrio
Gavin, Garret & Claire
born 8/7/03 at 36w4d

luvmytrio
Gavin, Garret & Claire
born 8/7/03 at 36w4d

(((((((Beatrice)))))))

I'm so sorry he said this to you! I have to wonder if he isn't lashing out bc of stress he's feeling. Was he ever on your case before you were pregnant? You said you needed to lose weight before so why is this such a big deal now?

You just delivered those precious babes five months ago. Even with a singleton they say, "it takes 9 mos to put on the weight it'll take at least 9mos to lose it".

I'm not a shining example bc since I stopped nursing my boys last June I've gained at least 20lbs. They are 23mos old today! I also have a 1st grader and have had a terrible time getting back into a work out routine-thought I'd have more time when she started school.

Regardless about what you do with respect to your weight it is imperative that you communicate to him how hurtful this conversation was to you. Is there any experience you can compare it to when he felt hurt by someone?

I know others are saying he may be concerned about your health - I would certainly hope so - but 20lbs isn't a huge amount (believe me what I have to lose is much more daunting). His approach doesn't just shine with concern as much as criticism.

How did you feel about yourself before he said this? You say you knew you needed to lose weight - but was this preying on you? I'm glad you can go to the gym now, it will probably make you feel better just to get out of the house maybe make a friend or two - I've met so many wonderful women at our local YMCA.

As usual I'm rambling. I'm all for our spouses being concerned for us but it doesn't sound like he was being all that loving in his presentation. Sorry for the added stress.

Hang in there - parenthood is so hard and is one of the most stressful aspects of a relationship. I hope if he understands how much he hurt you he'll maybe open up a little more about what's bothering him - I really doubt it's your weight.

Marie

Marie

Beatrice-I know how you feel. I weighed 120lbs at 5'5" before fertility treatments. I weighed 218 at delivery. I lost down to 155lbs and have gained to 185. My dh is completely distant from me. Ashamed to admit this, but we don't even share a bed and have had relations only twice since the girls were born 26mths ago. Mine has complained that "I have let myself go" and I get critized for my weight by his distance. He is a very thin and tall man, he has no idea what it it like to be overweight. I am planning to begin WW and have ordered 3 exercise tapes to get me through these winter mths. Our 10 year anniversary is in May and I am hoping to be 20-30 lbs lighter. It has been hard and I have mentioned divorce (I think most women have spoked about it or at least thought about it if they have been married many years) but he tells me it would be too expensive. Marriage is so hard and the added stress of triplets only creates that much more. I wish we both had more understanding husbands. Good luck to you!!!

Jennifer, SAHM to ggg

Beatrice, I am so sorry for what you are going through. To have to think about divorce during one of the most stressful times of your life must be overwhelming. Our babies are 7 mo old and dh and I have had our moments, but it sounds like this is a long standing issue for you guys. I know my dh would like me to lose weight and in the past it has sometimes been more of an issue, but in the last few years he has been so supportive. I am the one who complains now about the changes in my body since the babies--he continues to tell me he loves me and that would not change no matter how much weight I gained. Maybe he realized that if he wants any activity involving this body, it is in his best interest for me to feel as attractive as possible! There was a time in our marriage where this would not have been the case, and I can't imagine the stress of triplets during that time--it is enough now!

Is there any chance of marriage counseling? That helped us alot a number of years ago.

Sonya, Mommy to:

Tyler 8-15-01
Amanda 5-23-03
Leah 5-23-03
Trevor 5-23-03

Beatrice-
I am so sorry that you are going through this! This post really caught my eye because weight has always been (and will always be) a huge issue in my life. I am extremely fortunate to have a husband that could not give one care in the world about my weight. We tried for three years to have a baby. Every month that went by I kept saying to myself "Oh well, why try to lose weight? I am just going to get pregnant!" Well, three years later and 45 lbs. higher, I got pregnant with triplets! yikes! I was WAY up there at delivery (about 285 lbs.)! My boys are 3 1/2 years old and I am down from that weight, of course, but I still have about 50 more lbs. to lose. (I am on Weight Watchers-such a great program!) My reward to myself when I lose all my weight is to get a tummy tuck. I am going to save each month for the next year, and use some of our tax refund money. My dh just smiles and says "whatever, hon! You look beautiful to me no matter what you think about yourself!"
Well, that is my happy story, but I grew up in an entirely different situation! I grew up hearing my dad constantly make negative remarks concerning my mom's weight. He would even call her names. They are both in the 60's now and it hasn't happened for many years, but it basically ruined their relationship. My dad feels very badly for his behavior, but it is too late. There were way too many years of the verbal abuse making my mom feel so badly about herself. They have stayed married all these years, but it has been a horrible marriage. I think we were probably the only kids that actually wished their parents would get divorced. I know that sounds horrible, but it is true. Both of my brothers have sadly turned out like my dad. One is not married, but has a very skewed vision of the "perfect woman" equals a perfect body! (probably why he is not married!) The other one is married and gives my SIL a very hard time about her weight. This is a beautiful girl that probably weighs 135 lbs! (I think my right thigh weighs that much! ha!) She was 105 lbs when they got married! Well, big friggin' deal! That was 13 years ago!!!! I guess what I am trying to say is that bad attitude about weight DOES affect children in the household very much. All three of us are in our thirties and still suffer from some sort of weird weight issues (whether it be physically or psychologically). You have got to do what is best for your children. Your husband already has his own DISTORTED view on weight, but you will be the one to mold your children's attitudes. Good luck with everything during this very stressful time.
Take care,
Renee (mom to Dalton, Griffin, and Zach 6-1-00)

Beatrice,

I am so sorry that you are going through this and so soon after the babies were born. Your hormones have not even had a chance to settle down yet - it would be near impossible for you to be back to pre-preg weight this early. Maybe you should drag that darn man to your next dr. appt. and have your doctor explain to him what's going on with your poor body.

After 22 months since I gave birth, I still have a little under 20 pounds to loose despite working at it. I recently joined a gym and WOW am I beginning to see results. I am working out w/ a personal trainer and #1 it's great to get out of the house (I leave at 7:15pm after the babies are in bed - I also work full-time so that's the only time I can go to the gym), #2 working on a custom made program is getting the fastest results possible.

Since you said you joined a gym why not make the most of that time to yourself - but NOT because your DH wants you to. Use that time to enjoy yourself and get a little mental break - it will do wonders for your outlook on life! If possible get one of the trainers at the gym to either workout with you or just help create a plan so you don't feel so lost.



~Dionne
Mommy to Jessica, Alexa & William 02/20/02 31w6d

~Dionne
Mommy to Jessica, Alexa & William 02/20/02 31w6d

(((((Beatrice)))))
I would like to smack your DH too for being so mean and not apologizing! }> I'm happy for you that you get out to the gym and get some alone time. It's hard to do with 5 month old triplets so enjoy that time! With my last baby (#5) it took me 9 months to lose all the weight and he's breastfed!
I'm currently going thru a divorce myself and would also suggest counsleing if DH would agree to go. Even if he won't go, go yourself, it can only help. My X-DH and I went to 3 different counselors over the course of our 6 year marriage. I like the final one the best.
Anyway, we are all here for you.

Korrie~
^i^B/G/G 24 w 3d,1/17/00
B 10/31/01
B 1/27/03

<a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="" alt="Lilypie Kids birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a>

Beatrice,

I, too, am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I would ditto what others have recommended about counseling. I know that given the right circumstances and lots of grace, men like your husband can change.

My DH gave me a hard time about my weight during the 9+ years we dated before getting married. I think one of the reasons it took so long for him to commit was because of my weight. I know he never meant to hurt my feelings, but at that time, being with someone with an "ideal" body was very important to him.

I can't get into the whole long story of our lives and our marriage, but through some circumstances and growth, my husband came to love me on a whole different level. I am 5'6" and currently weigh 190 lbs. He adores me, loves my body and can't keep his hands off me! Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure this is the same guy who criticized me at 140 lbs. 16 years ago.

You say your DH is a good guy otherwise, and you love him. That's a great start. There is hope. And no, not all couples who have been together a long time bring up divorce. We do not consider it an option. I told my husband a long time ago that he is STUCK with me, and if he ever wants out, he will have a fight on his hands because I will not let him go without a fight. Over the years we have continually reaffirmed our commitment to each other no matter what, we have openly discussed that we will probably go through periods where we are not happy, where we may not like each other, where we may get bored, but we will fight for our marriage and not give up.

You know what, I think the confidence we have that the other one is not going anywhere, even when we're acting unloveable, has made us much more happy, successful, and confident people in every area of our lives. I know it has for me.

I hope I don't come off like I'm bragging, or think I'm better than anyone else. The message I'd like for you and anyone else reading this to get is that sometimes, if you stick it out and work THROUGH the bad times, and hurt, and anger, you might find yourself pinching yourself down the road, wondering how everything became so wonderful. I know from personal experience.

Sheri
Mom to 5 Great Kids
Savannah-6/1/93
Sydney-8/19/97
Clayton, Jackson, Tyler-10/6/00

Sheri
Mom to 5 Great Kids
Savannah-6/1/93
Sydney-8/19/97
Clayton, Jackson, Tyler-10/6/00

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Sorry just can't belive what you're telling me. No man is that...that well you know THAT. It takes over a year to get your body back to a somewhat resembalance of your former body.

If you lose weight for him it won't stay off. If you have a sitter take that time to do something you really want to do - Starbucks or something fun.

I think you said you nurse? in a previous post? If so working out will change the taste of the breastmilk - so I have been told.


Click here to subscribe to a parent's group with triplets born in the summer of 2002: tripletsquads2002-summer-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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Mom of SuperTwins
I believe in miracles - I have three that live in my home. June 2002 @ 30 wks

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I BELIEVE in miracles - g/g/g- June 2002 @ 30 wks and they are 10!
Married to my best friend
Financial Peace is possible www.daveramsey.com
Support for Infertility www.pregnantwithhope.com

Do the best you can do! I wish these husbands could carry these babies. You have three healthy babies and that was and is your #1 goal!
I have always been overweight and struggled. I noticed that the more weight lifting and working out I did the higher the scale would rise. I did lose inches and that counted. Get out and go on a walk with the babies every morning. Try and find a neighbor to walk with and this will be encouragement along with a companion to talk to. Next, a lot of the gyms have personal trainers.... You have to hunt to find the right one that will understand your needs but that might be an option too.
When your ego is low, grab all three of your precious babies and go look in the mirror. Was it worth gaining the weight? Keep working at the weight and take baby steps, you can do it!
Meli

Meli
Elijah-4yrs. old
Spontaneous BBB triplets born at 34.3 weeks 6-8-04
Adam- 5lbs 11 oz. 18.5 inches
Ryan- 4lbs 6 oz. 17.75 inches
Joshua- 5lbs 17 inches