I just had the most miserable conversation with DH (not dear!). We have been finding it a bit of a strain since the babies were born because we are pretty much taking care of them ourselves. The babies are now 5 months and after initially loosing 60lbs after the babies birth I gained another 20 back after giving up breastfeeding. Now he's saying he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I feel so miserable. I know I need to loose weight and I tend to comfort eat. All my family live in England and as happy as I am with the babies I've felt pretty lonely and isolated and what with the holidays I have gained weight. I needed to loose weight before the babies were born.
I joined a gym today and we now have a morning babysitter so I'll be able to go but I just feel so let down and in some ways betrayed by my DH for saying this. I'm not sure how we are going to move forward. Sorry to go on and on but I'm feeling so low and needed to vent.
Thanks for being there,
Beatrice
Who will now go and scrape her ego off the floor!

Beatrice
Mom to Max Hugo and Henri born August 4 2003

I'm sure you're husband is at the ideal weight for his height, right? Otherwise, how dare he open his mouth...

As mad, let down, embarassed, annoyed you are - find a time to tell him that you're working on this problem, and you need his support.

Maybe he was concerned about your health, and didn't know a more tactful way to bring it up. Maybe he's also strained w/ the babies and your normal romantic spark isn't there for him anyway.

I'm sorry he hurt your feelings! I doubt he meant to hurt you! Tell him what you need - help cleaning out junk food, cooking, shopping, a buddy at the gym, or to be left alone. My husband is pretty dense! I have to ask for exactly what I want in the emotional support department.

Good luck!
-Kelly. (who also needs to loose weight!)
14w5d

Katrina 8/26/97
Doug, Gillian and Eric 6/1/04 at 36w2d

I am totally floored reading this. Am I reading correctly that your babies are only five months and he is on your back about your weight. He has to be joking. Does he have any idea what your body has just gone through... My kids are 16 months and I have just started losing my weight.. It is so hard to find the time to lose the weight at the begining and I found myself eating what I could to keep my energy level going.
Your husband needs a reality check fast!!!! I would tell him you'll lose the weight when your ready and your doing it for you and the kids not for him!!!!
I am currently about 25 pounds over weight and just lost about 20 pounds my husband is helping me giving me the freedom to get up in the am to do a quick 4 mile run while he gets the day started with the kids. I also head out once a week to a Pilates class and head to the gym on the days work.

Please do this for you, not for him. You will resent him the whole time and you will end up gaining weight because you are so frustrated.

I'm sure you'll get a lot more comments on this, (us ladies on this site tend to stick to together on the weight issue).

Just for the record, when I married my husband I weighed 258 pounds, my wedding dress was a size 24... Of course I am no wear near that now (thank god) being a about a size 12 now! But I can honestly say he did not love me any more or less witht he weight on or off. Perhaps your husband needs to re-think why he loves you and what he loves about you! Sorry for going on and on but weight is a sensitive subject for me.

Good luck..
proud mom to
Zoe 4/15/98
Zackary, Cleo and Tyler 8/13/02

Traci

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!! I would kill my husband if he said that to me! If he even insinuated that I was anything but the most beautiful woman he has ever seen then he wouldn't be getting any for a month - LOL. He knows better - I've been with him since he was 16 so I've trained him well - hehehe.

That being said, I'm sure you do want to have a healthy relationship, so I'd do as the other poster said and tell him exactly what you need. And also that you don't ever again want to hear him say that he doesn't find you attractive. I'm sure he didn't realize exactly how much that can cut to the core for us women, but I'd be sure to let him know so that he doesn't repeat this feeling again. I don't want to get too personal, but are there little things that you can do to make yourself more attractive to him? Use your womanly ways! }> }> }>

I'm a comfort eater too. If I weren't running after these babies all day then I would be packing on a ton of weight. If they stress me out in the morning then as soon as I can get them down for a nap I go for something like ice cream. I never have fruits or veggies - unless strawberry ice cream counts - LOL. Maybe we should go on a diet together!

luvmytrio
Gavin, Garret & Claire
born 8/7/03 at 36w4d

luvmytrio
Gavin, Garret & Claire
born 8/7/03 at 36w4d

(((((((Beatrice)))))))

I'm so sorry he said this to you! I have to wonder if he isn't lashing out bc of stress he's feeling. Was he ever on your case before you were pregnant? You said you needed to lose weight before so why is this such a big deal now?

You just delivered those precious babes five months ago. Even with a singleton they say, "it takes 9 mos to put on the weight it'll take at least 9mos to lose it".

I'm not a shining example bc since I stopped nursing my boys last June I've gained at least 20lbs. They are 23mos old today! I also have a 1st grader and have had a terrible time getting back into a work out routine-thought I'd have more time when she started school.

Regardless about what you do with respect to your weight it is imperative that you communicate to him how hurtful this conversation was to you. Is there any experience you can compare it to when he felt hurt by someone?

I know others are saying he may be concerned about your health - I would certainly hope so - but 20lbs isn't a huge amount (believe me what I have to lose is much more daunting). His approach doesn't just shine with concern as much as criticism.

How did you feel about yourself before he said this? You say you knew you needed to lose weight - but was this preying on you? I'm glad you can go to the gym now, it will probably make you feel better just to get out of the house maybe make a friend or two - I've met so many wonderful women at our local YMCA.

As usual I'm rambling. I'm all for our spouses being concerned for us but it doesn't sound like he was being all that loving in his presentation. Sorry for the added stress.

Hang in there - parenthood is so hard and is one of the most stressful aspects of a relationship. I hope if he understands how much he hurt you he'll maybe open up a little more about what's bothering him - I really doubt it's your weight.

Marie

Marie

thanks everyone. We had another long conversation after this one and he said that he didn't care if I felt hurt/embarassed etc because it was bothering him so much. Just to give you some idea. I'm 5 ft 8 and weigh 225lbs. When we got married 8 years ago I weighed 185lbs so I guess I'm a lot heavier. He's no George Clooney though, I might add and had also been eating a lot of junk food since the babies have been born. When i told him this he agreed but said he wasn't as overweight as I was. Ladies, I just made a huge decision and asked him for a divorce.
It sounds drastic but my weight has been a big issue between us for years. I seem to have a real problem with overeating and definately eat too much when I'm stressed. Neither of us want to split up for the babies sake but I think that if we are unhappy it will be worse for them and I just can't stay with someone who doesn't care about making me feel more lousy than I've ever felt in my life.

I am determined to make a good go at loosing weight and getting fit - I do love to exercise but this time I'm going to do it for me and the babies.

Again, thanks so much for being there. I love my babies so much and everyone on this site has helped me to provide the best possible care for them.

Beatrice

Beatrice
Mom to Max Hugo and Henri born August 4 2003

Beatrice-- I am so sorry that he would lay this on you at this time. I think you were bold to say you want a divorce based on his response to you explaining you were hurt. I understand that divorce is the last thing any of us wants---but I think you were wise to tell him just how out of line he was.

What I really hope is that he thinks about it and comes back to you with a huuuge apology about hurting your feelings and an understanding that it is unreal to expect you to be in shape right now.

Good luck to you!!

Pat


Trips born 8/29/03 @ 35 weeks

Robert Isaac
Jacob Louis
Rachel Lena

I cannot believe how much I love my kids!

Proud mom of Robert Isaac, Jacob Louis, and Rachel Lena born 8/29/03 @ 35 weeks

I would never have believed how much I could love my kids!

He sounds pretty determined in getting you to be what he wants. As painful as your plan sounds, if he isn't going to change his mind I think you made the right decision. Don't get me wrong, I hate the thought of divorce, but I hate the thought of being belittled and tormented even more. We are here for you -- any venting you need to do, you do it here -- any crying you need to get out, we're here to hear it all with some big shoulders.

How dare a man condemn you after all that you've just given him. Does he REALLY not realize what you have just put your body through -- not to mention BF to give your kids the best start they could get? What an idiotic oaf. I am livid. I want to come over and smack him upside the head -- what a dope (that was the nicest word I could come up with, I'm thinking much worse).

Hang in there and continue to demand respect for yourself -- you deserve it and you have earned it.

Stephanie
West Rogers ^i^ b
Keaton Edward ^i^ b
Rebecca Joy ^i^ g
1/6/04 19w5d

Beatrice,
Oh my god, I never thought you'd respond with asking him for a divorce. I dont understand, why has your weight been an issue all along??? Does he love 'you' or not??? Maybe there is something more to this and he just doesn't know how to talk about it, maybe he's using this as an excuse to fight.
Do you think you two would benefit by seeing a counselor???

I just can't believe he's being so pig headed.

BTW I am a life time member of weight watchers and love it. If you need help getting started just let me know. I would be happy to help as a support system for you when you feel like you need to eat something bad. God knows I need all the help I can get. I still want to lose about 25 pounds. Please feel free to email me privately.

I will be thinking of you, good luck!

Proud mom to
Zoe 4/15/98
Zackary, Cleo and Tyler 8/13/02

Traci

Beatrice-I know how you feel. I weighed 120lbs at 5'5" before fertility treatments. I weighed 218 at delivery. I lost down to 155lbs and have gained to 185. My dh is completely distant from me. Ashamed to admit this, but we don't even share a bed and have had relations only twice since the girls were born 26mths ago. Mine has complained that "I have let myself go" and I get critized for my weight by his distance. He is a very thin and tall man, he has no idea what it it like to be overweight. I am planning to begin WW and have ordered 3 exercise tapes to get me through these winter mths. Our 10 year anniversary is in May and I am hoping to be 20-30 lbs lighter. It has been hard and I have mentioned divorce (I think most women have spoked about it or at least thought about it if they have been married many years) but he tells me it would be too expensive. Marriage is so hard and the added stress of triplets only creates that much more. I wish we both had more understanding husbands. Good luck to you!!!

Jennifer, SAHM to ggg

I can't even beleive that you have to live with this kind of crap! My husband was so supportive of me even when I had cancer and gained about 50 pounds and was bald. I don't know how he could but he still looked at me with love in his eyes and that is something that I don't think anyone should have to live without. I am so sorry that your husbands have little respect for the wonderful wives they have, but I
d be really sure to make them get it!!!!

Heidi
31 weeks 1 day

Heidi
Lydia - 5lbs, Sasha 5.8lbs and Isabella 5.7lbs
born at 34 weeks 5 days
AND NOW...MARCUS EARL, 9.2lbs!!!!

now that's love! My dh is the same when it comes to looks, he really loves me for me. I have TOTALLY let myself go (partly due to depression, partly because I have always been a plus-sized gal)he has never EVER made me feel bad about my weight. I am sure he would love to see me get healthier, but he knows that nagging doesn't help.

I don't think I could live with someone who constantly judged me and berated me about how I look. It may seem silly to some to ask for a divorce over such a small thing, but really its an indicator of a larger problem. If he only loves you when you fit his standard of what looks good, is that really love at all? not even slightly...

Jen
Mom to Spencer 7yo
Seville, Olivia, Noah 4yo
Check out our family at http://www.raisingmultiples.com/DavisFamily.html

Beatrice, I am so sorry for what you are going through. To have to think about divorce during one of the most stressful times of your life must be overwhelming. Our babies are 7 mo old and dh and I have had our moments, but it sounds like this is a long standing issue for you guys. I know my dh would like me to lose weight and in the past it has sometimes been more of an issue, but in the last few years he has been so supportive. I am the one who complains now about the changes in my body since the babies--he continues to tell me he loves me and that would not change no matter how much weight I gained. Maybe he realized that if he wants any activity involving this body, it is in his best interest for me to feel as attractive as possible! There was a time in our marriage where this would not have been the case, and I can't imagine the stress of triplets during that time--it is enough now!

Is there any chance of marriage counseling? That helped us alot a number of years ago.

Sonya, Mommy to:

Tyler 8-15-01
Amanda 5-23-03
Leah 5-23-03
Trevor 5-23-03

Beatrice-
I am so sorry that you are going through this! This post really caught my eye because weight has always been (and will always be) a huge issue in my life. I am extremely fortunate to have a husband that could not give one care in the world about my weight. We tried for three years to have a baby. Every month that went by I kept saying to myself "Oh well, why try to lose weight? I am just going to get pregnant!" Well, three years later and 45 lbs. higher, I got pregnant with triplets! yikes! I was WAY up there at delivery (about 285 lbs.)! My boys are 3 1/2 years old and I am down from that weight, of course, but I still have about 50 more lbs. to lose. (I am on Weight Watchers-such a great program!) My reward to myself when I lose all my weight is to get a tummy tuck. I am going to save each month for the next year, and use some of our tax refund money. My dh just smiles and says "whatever, hon! You look beautiful to me no matter what you think about yourself!"
Well, that is my happy story, but I grew up in an entirely different situation! I grew up hearing my dad constantly make negative remarks concerning my mom's weight. He would even call her names. They are both in the 60's now and it hasn't happened for many years, but it basically ruined their relationship. My dad feels very badly for his behavior, but it is too late. There were way too many years of the verbal abuse making my mom feel so badly about herself. They have stayed married all these years, but it has been a horrible marriage. I think we were probably the only kids that actually wished their parents would get divorced. I know that sounds horrible, but it is true. Both of my brothers have sadly turned out like my dad. One is not married, but has a very skewed vision of the "perfect woman" equals a perfect body! (probably why he is not married!) The other one is married and gives my SIL a very hard time about her weight. This is a beautiful girl that probably weighs 135 lbs! (I think my right thigh weighs that much! ha!) She was 105 lbs when they got married! Well, big friggin' deal! That was 13 years ago!!!! I guess what I am trying to say is that bad attitude about weight DOES affect children in the household very much. All three of us are in our thirties and still suffer from some sort of weird weight issues (whether it be physically or psychologically). You have got to do what is best for your children. Your husband already has his own DISTORTED view on weight, but you will be the one to mold your children's attitudes. Good luck with everything during this very stressful time.
Take care,
Renee (mom to Dalton, Griffin, and Zach 6-1-00)

Thanks for all your support. My husband does seem to have a problem with heavy people. He's always making horrible remarks about people who are overweight. Believe it or not, he's otherwise an alright guy! Anyway he hasn't apologized and now we are in limbo. I love him and so leaving him will be hard but I think it would be best all round if we split. I am from England and want to take the babies back there to get help from my family - this is not going down well either. I don't want the babies to be separated from their Dad but at the same time I can't do this completely on my own.
On a positive note, I did go to the gym this morning and have eaten healthily. I must admit it felt SO GOOD to be back at the gym again.

Again, thanks everyone, I'll keep you posted.

Beatrice

Beatrice
Mom to Max Hugo and Henri born August 4 2003

Beatrice
I was not going to do write a post, however, in light of your response on a divorce. I want to ask you to reconsider and try counseling for you and both of you. There is a possiblity that weigh is not the issue. If its the issue there must be something to try so two can reconnect. I certainly wouldn't want to be exposed to someone who is verbally abusing you so please don't think that. I weighed 125 lbs when I met my husband. I am 5'8" also. I gained weight to about 135lbs and got more compliments at that weight. When I married I was about 140 lbs. I had the the kids and went to 220 lbs at delivery. At three months after they were born I was down to 167. Then I have gained weight in the last years to 186 lbs. My boys will be five next month. I honestly have not tried hard enough or had the time to really work out. I work full time outside the home so it's really hard to find the time. In October I started TOPS and have accountabilty for my weigh and have lost 8 lbs. So I am 178 today. I am so excited. I think the extra weight does effect how I feel about myself and my relations with my husband. We do talk about it, but its more a matter of taking care of ourselves. So if you decided to do something take it one day at time. Make smart food choices and try and do some activity 2-3 times a week. Your in my prayers that you both find some resolution to this issue tearing you apart.

Danielle

Danielle
Easton, Blake & Hunter
1-24-99

Beatrice,

I am so sorry that you are going through this and so soon after the babies were born. Your hormones have not even had a chance to settle down yet - it would be near impossible for you to be back to pre-preg weight this early. Maybe you should drag that darn man to your next dr. appt. and have your doctor explain to him what's going on with your poor body.

After 22 months since I gave birth, I still have a little under 20 pounds to loose despite working at it. I recently joined a gym and WOW am I beginning to see results. I am working out w/ a personal trainer and #1 it's great to get out of the house (I leave at 7:15pm after the babies are in bed - I also work full-time so that's the only time I can go to the gym), #2 working on a custom made program is getting the fastest results possible.

Since you said you joined a gym why not make the most of that time to yourself - but NOT because your DH wants you to. Use that time to enjoy yourself and get a little mental break - it will do wonders for your outlook on life! If possible get one of the trainers at the gym to either workout with you or just help create a plan so you don't feel so lost.



~Dionne
Mommy to Jessica, Alexa & William 02/20/02 31w6d

~Dionne
Mommy to Jessica, Alexa & William 02/20/02 31w6d

(((((Beatrice)))))
I would like to smack your DH too for being so mean and not apologizing! }> I'm happy for you that you get out to the gym and get some alone time. It's hard to do with 5 month old triplets so enjoy that time! With my last baby (#5) it took me 9 months to lose all the weight and he's breastfed!
I'm currently going thru a divorce myself and would also suggest counsleing if DH would agree to go. Even if he won't go, go yourself, it can only help. My X-DH and I went to 3 different counselors over the course of our 6 year marriage. I like the final one the best.
Anyway, we are all here for you.

Korrie~
^i^B/G/G 24 w 3d,1/17/00
B 10/31/01
B 1/27/03

<a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="" alt="Lilypie Kids birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a>

Beatrice,

I, too, am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I would ditto what others have recommended about counseling. I know that given the right circumstances and lots of grace, men like your husband can change.

My DH gave me a hard time about my weight during the 9+ years we dated before getting married. I think one of the reasons it took so long for him to commit was because of my weight. I know he never meant to hurt my feelings, but at that time, being with someone with an "ideal" body was very important to him.

I can't get into the whole long story of our lives and our marriage, but through some circumstances and growth, my husband came to love me on a whole different level. I am 5'6" and currently weigh 190 lbs. He adores me, loves my body and can't keep his hands off me! Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure this is the same guy who criticized me at 140 lbs. 16 years ago.

You say your DH is a good guy otherwise, and you love him. That's a great start. There is hope. And no, not all couples who have been together a long time bring up divorce. We do not consider it an option. I told my husband a long time ago that he is STUCK with me, and if he ever wants out, he will have a fight on his hands because I will not let him go without a fight. Over the years we have continually reaffirmed our commitment to each other no matter what, we have openly discussed that we will probably go through periods where we are not happy, where we may not like each other, where we may get bored, but we will fight for our marriage and not give up.

You know what, I think the confidence we have that the other one is not going anywhere, even when we're acting unloveable, has made us much more happy, successful, and confident people in every area of our lives. I know it has for me.

I hope I don't come off like I'm bragging, or think I'm better than anyone else. The message I'd like for you and anyone else reading this to get is that sometimes, if you stick it out and work THROUGH the bad times, and hurt, and anger, you might find yourself pinching yourself down the road, wondering how everything became so wonderful. I know from personal experience.

Sheri
Mom to 5 Great Kids
Savannah-6/1/93
Sydney-8/19/97
Clayton, Jackson, Tyler-10/6/00

Sheri
Mom to 5 Great Kids
Savannah-6/1/93
Sydney-8/19/97
Clayton, Jackson, Tyler-10/6/00

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Sorry just can't belive what you're telling me. No man is that...that well you know THAT. It takes over a year to get your body back to a somewhat resembalance of your former body.

If you lose weight for him it won't stay off. If you have a sitter take that time to do something you really want to do - Starbucks or something fun.

I think you said you nurse? in a previous post? If so working out will change the taste of the breastmilk - so I have been told.


Click here to subscribe to a parent's group with triplets born in the summer of 2002: tripletsquads2002-summer-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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Mom of SuperTwins
I believe in miracles - I have three that live in my home. June 2002 @ 30 wks

*†¯`·.,*† ¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.->*† .¸¸.·*†(¯`·.¸*†¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.->*†
I BELIEVE in miracles - g/g/g- June 2002 @ 30 wks and they are 10!
Married to my best friend
Financial Peace is possible www.daveramsey.com
Support for Infertility www.pregnantwithhope.com

I have a friend who's husband has said many cruel things to her: she's too fat (I think she's around a size 8 right now - oh, and was bulimic in High School); her hands get too sweaty for him to hold them; he can't stand to touch her in bed (like snuggling) tells her to stay on her side of the King Size. So, like you I have a hard time imagining anyone being this cruel it does happen. Heartbreaking isn't it.

Marie

Marie

I have some good news. My DH and I have sorted some things out. We talked and I told him how much he'd really hurt me, made me feel more rejected than I'd ever felt before etc. He did apologize and sincerely. He admitted that he is really struggling with the baby thing right now and is completely exhausted. We are pretty much taking care of the babies on our own and he is fully involved as well as trying to work from home as well. As a result his libido is really suffering and its worrying him a lot. I think he was looking for something/someone to blame.
Anyway, after lots of big hugs, we agreed to have a fresh start. He is joining me on a detox diet that we did before and had a lot of success with and is also going to go the gym. I still feel hurt and I think he still feels really guilty but we are now feeling a lot better after getting everything off our chests.
I really do want to loose weight and get fit so now we'll be able to do it together and in the meantime hopefully get some more energy to deal with our babies who are still waking up twice a night I might add!
I want to sincerely thank all of you for your support. Its been really encouraging to know that others have been in similar situations. Also to know that its normal for your body to take a while to get back on track.
Anyway, we are off for a long walk now with the babies (taking advantage of this nice mild weather in the Northeast).
Again thanks and Have a wonderful 2004.
Beatrice

Beatrice
Mom to Max Hugo and Henri born August 4 2003

{{{{Beatrice}}}},

I'm so happy you were able to have a real talk with your husband, and he finally understood how hurtful he was and sincerely apologized. I wish both of you the best.

Sheri
Mom to 5 Great Kids
Savannah-6/1/93
Sydney-8/19/97
Clayton, Jackson, Tyler-10/6/00

Sheri
Mom to 5 Great Kids
Savannah-6/1/93
Sydney-8/19/97
Clayton, Jackson, Tyler-10/6/00

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Beatrice, I am so glad to hear that you are talking about this! My dh and I have joked that anything we say in the first six months after the babies does not count! Not really, but you do sort of have to filter things through the exhaustion and stress. My dh is having trouble, too, but his libido seem unaffected! Mine, on the other hand...... Sorry, TMI! LOL

I'm glad things are looking up!

Sonya, Mommy to:

Tyler 8-15-01
Amanda 5-23-03
Leah 5-23-03
Trevor 5-23-03

Do the best you can do! I wish these husbands could carry these babies. You have three healthy babies and that was and is your #1 goal!
I have always been overweight and struggled. I noticed that the more weight lifting and working out I did the higher the scale would rise. I did lose inches and that counted. Get out and go on a walk with the babies every morning. Try and find a neighbor to walk with and this will be encouragement along with a companion to talk to. Next, a lot of the gyms have personal trainers.... You have to hunt to find the right one that will understand your needs but that might be an option too.
When your ego is low, grab all three of your precious babies and go look in the mirror. Was it worth gaining the weight? Keep working at the weight and take baby steps, you can do it!
Meli

Meli
Elijah-4yrs. old
Spontaneous BBB triplets born at 34.3 weeks 6-8-04
Adam- 5lbs 11 oz. 18.5 inches
Ryan- 4lbs 6 oz. 17.75 inches
Joshua- 5lbs 17 inches