After seeing the recent posts re Breastfeeding vs formula feeding, the Why are you a lurker post and the My friends with singletons won't talk to me anymore post, I thought we might need a gentle reminder where many of us have come from.
I too am usually a lurker because of fear of being blasted or accused of being a fake. Do I have triplets? No, I don't. I went through years of infertility and finally had a successful implant with 4 sacs. In my opinion, 4 babies, because they were embryos when implanted. However, I was not fortunate enough to ever get heartbeats. I also carry with me the guilt of my doctor "disposing" of my remaining fertilized eggs. Due to my faith, I believe that one day I will meet all of my children in heaven. God has however blessed our family through adoption. Our children are so loved. We're so thankful.
With all of that being said, I'm sure I'm no longer welcome and if my other screenname was known, I'd be ostracized. But while I have the oportunity here, please, just read on and see this from another point of view.
Breastfeeding vs formula feeding: a choice each family will make that is very personal. Breastfeeding has been shown to be the best choice, but some of us don't get to make that choice, and we're still good mommies. There is guilt that comes with formula feeding. Even sitting in the church nursery bottle feeding, I would get the "looks" from the BF moms. Bottom line, I love my children and would only do what I thought was best for them.
Why are you a lurker post: thanks for that post! I would love to jump in and talk with others more, but I don't think I'll be accepted because my situation is different. Especially after the last faker episode when someone said that they knew who the other fakers were, but just wasn't saying. I felt my blood pressure jump at that statement. I questioned my being here again. Just like many other people on here have unique family situations. I'm worried I'll be accused as a faker or blasted for having a different viewpoint on things. This brings me to the
My friends with singletons post: after lurking and jumping in here for several years now I have seen the threads that can help to answer this for you: it has been posted so many times on here that MOMs should not make eye contact with others when out with the babies, have an off-the-cuff response ready to fire back when a stranger makes a stupid comment because they are overwhelmed at seeing three babies at one time, tell family and friends that only certain approved people are allowed to help out with the babies, Don't let strangers help carry groceries, open doors, etc. I know that some of these things are litteraly lifesavers for some familys here because of health issues and there really are wackos out there that don't have good intentions. However, for the most part, people are good. This mindset can, without you even realizing it, rip you away and build up a wall between you and your family and friends. There is no wall put up between families with other multiples, therefore, that's why it's easier to relax with them and let your gaurd down.
Just remember, many of us have been on the side of desperately wanting a baby. Would you have made a stupid comment to someone with triplets (you sure have your hands full!) before you had them yourself? I would have before coming here!! Would you have tried to smile at a trip mom before you had them yourself? Sure, I'm friendly and I smile at most people! There are so many good ideas and discussions here at TC. So many good people. Before you start to fight among each other. Stop. Remember where you came from. What's important. Your children. Their health. The love of your families. The love of your friends. Be a little more tolerant of your family and friends and cybermates. End of speech. Now I'm sure I'll get the blast that I've tried to avoid for so long, but just had to get this off of my chest.

Well said, Lurker101!

Kelly, Mom to
(B) Finn (5/3/02)
(B) Mac (5/3/02)
(G) Georgia (5/3/02)
(G) Piper (8/14/03)(surprise!)

I hope that no one blasts you for that post. You said a lot of things that many of us have been feeling! I am sorry for your loss, but am happy that you were able to have children through adoption.

I never posted an introduction here, and just kind of came in by responding to posts that I could relate to. I have often had the feeling that people might accuse me of being a faker (I don't know why I think this ... maybe it's because I didn't feel the warmth from certain members that I felt on my ttc board). It is very odd that I am raising these three beautiful children (whom I won't name on a public website for privacy issues), but I come to a support group and wonder if someone is going to accuse me of not being a HOM!!

Thanks for your post. And, by the way, I have to admit that I once asked someone if triplets ran in their family when I was struggling to conceive. I feel like a fool now, but the reason I was asking was for hope that I too could get pregnant.

Susan
b/g/b born 1/7/03 at 34w6d

Susan
b/g/b born 1/7/03

Why would you feel like a fool now for asking that question? Some people actually do have triplets that run in the family!!

Taryn, proud mommy to:
Shane-6 (born at 38 wks.):-)
Alyssa,Alyson & Ashley- 3!!!(born at 33.5 wks.):-)
Forget terrible two's, now it's TERRORIZING three's. YIKES!!!!

I know, but that question seems to be one that really bothers people and now that I am on the "inside" of the HOM world, I realize that questions like that can be offensive to some.

Susan
b/g/b born 1/7/03 at 34w6d

Susan
b/g/b born 1/7/03

That is beuatifully written. Thanks!
Paula

Paula P-F

I hope you dont' get blasted for that post because you merely told the truth. We sometimes do get frustrated at the most simplest things and we build walls and get offended easily, but mostly only because we get sick of answering the same old questions EVERY time we go out in public and there is usually always one jerk who will say something stupid, so yes, our guard is up most of the time. I am sorry that you don't feel welcomed here as you did at the ttc site. Is there another site specifically for adopted moms that you would more relate to? I am asking this also because my sil just adopted a baby after having several m/c and yes, most of them were multiples. I asked her if she wanted to join this site when she adopted her son, only because I thought she could use the inspiration and advice but she declined because she said she could relate better to an adoption site. There are sure to be others on such a site that m/c multiples and went on to adopt. Just an idea.

Taryn, proud mommy to:
Shane-6 (born at 38 wks.):-)
Alyssa,Alyson & Ashley- 3!!!(born at 33.5 wks.):-)
Forget terrible two's, now it's TERRORIZING three's. YIKES!!!!

Dear Lurker,
There are other moms on here that post that don't have triplets but have great insights to share. I don't think the moms on here get mad at others who don't have triplets unless they lie and say they do have triplets. There was an instance not too long ago where a husband and wife posted for well over a year about all the on goings in their "triplets" lives only to finally fess up that they didn't have triplets at all. When that happens you aren't sure what to believe about their stories and almost feel violated. I enjoy reading advice from all moms and don't care who it comes from. But I don't feel that grown-ups should be lying, what example are we setting for our children.

You gave some great insights in your above post. I wish some of the moms on here were a little more tolerant. I hope that you keep sharing your points of view.

God Bless,
Angie

Mom to Trent, Trey, and ^Grace^ born 8/8/02
Trevin born 5/26/04
Taryn born 10/24/06.

I'm not sure who you are, obviously. But there are lots of us who are not "raising" triplets. I came here pg with triplets and lost one late in the pg. I have gone to twin sites but feel most "at home" here. I have always felt welcome and do feel that I can occasionally provide help to a mom.

Any mom can provide insights, or support, to new mothers. I know I'd welcome you here. As Angie mentioned - fakers aren't people who don't have triplets but those who claim to have triplets and who attempt to gain others sympathy and tears with false stories of tragedy, etc. These are the folks I think we'd rather not see here.

I always look forward to responses from the nannies that visit here and I know there seem to be more than a few foster families with several same age or close to same age kids here.

So, thanks for your post, lots of good things to consider. I too am sure I'd of said, "you must have your hands full..." and to be honest, I kind of do - BUT very happily full, and sadly, not full enough.

have a good day.

Marie

Marie

I am a believer if you were pregnant with multiples but lose one or all you will forever be a multiple Mom. How do you forget that you once carried more then one? Like Angie said as long as you're not faking that you have quads or triplets then you have nothing to worry about. I have a hard time dealing with people who pretend to be something they are not. I feel as if I have given apart of myself to them when in reality they stole from me b/c they were not honest.

I do have a question for you...do you find comfort in coming here? Perhaps this is part of the greiving process for you to read the posts. I would imgaine when the months or years roll by your thoughts say "they would have been 4 mo today or 5 years tomorrow if they were still here with me". If this website it not helping you heal - walk away. Don't let that wound stay fresh and open, let yourself mend. You deserve that and so do your children you care for. I am a huge believer in letting greiving run it's course so if this site is helping you do that please stay.

I find it hard to believe that any woman here would give you flax if you had a signature stating you were a MOM who lost her four and still posted on this site. I would imagine you'd would be a good resource to a MOM who lost one or all of her babies in-utero most people just don't get it.




Click here to subscribe to a parent's group with triplets born in the summer of 2002: tripletsquads2002-summer-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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Mom of SuperTwins
I believe in miracles - I have three that live in my home. June 2002 @ 30 wks
http://www.michaelclancy.com/

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I BELIEVE in miracles - g/g/g- June 2002 @ 30 wks and they are 10!
Married to my best friend
Financial Peace is possible www.daveramsey.com
Support for Infertility www.pregnantwithhope.com

I am so sorry for your loss, and I commend you for your post. My sister is an elementary principal and two set of triplets are in her school. She reports that both sets of parents are the very most difficult parents she has dealt with in her 25 year career as an educator. They have put up those walls that you describe and are ready to fight even the smallest of battles. My sister's remarks have given me pause to think about the connection to the battles that are waged on this website that is designed for support.

Thanks for adding your perspective. And, you are welcome to post here---in my opinion.

Lisa
Mom to Aidan, Christian, and Rachel (10.03.01 @ 36wks)

Lisa
Mom to Aidan, Christian, and Rachel (10.03.01 @ 36wks)

Hey Lurker - thanks for the post! I would like to know who you are - wouldn't bother me a bit.

Just wanted to say I STILL make stupid comments every time I see another MOM. I guess I sure made my share of them before having triplets. Just can't shake that human nature and natural reaction, I guess. I am not bothered by the comments anymore, mostly because I have seen that I do it too!

Edited to add: I am so sorry for your loss. See, I am still saying stupid things, that was my first thought for you but I did not say it. Please accept my deepest sympathy.

Kari S.

Mom to BBB 21, 18, 14
BBG 9/25/01

I'm so sorry for your loss. I still grieve for our 4th embryo. It probably was not viable, it was only 4 cells on transfer day. So since I didn't think I could endure a quad pregnancy we did not transfer it back. Instead we asked that they try to grow it to a blastocyst and freeze it for a try later. It did not make it to blastocyst, it stopped at 10 cells.

There is hardly a day goes by that I don't think about that little baby. I do think of it as a baby, and I find comfort in thinking of it as a little angel or spirit of light. It's not like I dwell on the subject or anything, but when my thoughts turn to that little spirit, as they are now, I get emotional and sometimes cry, as I am now. I am so sorry I never got to meet him or her, and look forward to the time when we can meet in Heaven.

So you see, you are not alone in your feelings about your unborn children.

Tulip & The Three Amigos
Born at 35w5d on December 31, 2002 - Happy New Year's Eve!!!
Aimee, Let's bump heads!
Edward, Rollin' Rollin' Rollin', Got to keep on rollin'!
Hope, Bouncy! Bouncy! Bouncy! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

YES! You *can* breastfeed triplets!!!
http://www.tripletconnection.org/dcforum/forum1/14349.html

Tulip & The Three Amigos
GBG born at 35w5d on December 31, 2002 - Happy New Year's Eve!!!

YES! You *can* breastfeed triplets!!!

I am a Velveteen Rabbit, and the birth, love, kisses & magic that are my children has made me Real.

Lurker101,

I am sorry for your losses, I do hope that it works out for you in the future.

Your post is heartfelt and honest. You make some very good points. Thank you for sharing your point of view, it is good to be reminded of how life used to be - before being a MOM.

Being a working MOM, I face some different challenges because I don't really fit in the the SAHM's and don't really fit with my co-workers anymore. I remind myself everyday that tolerance and acceptance of differences is vital to my survival and happiness.

Thank you for taking the time to post, I hope you stay on the board and post more often. Your point of view is welcome and appreciated.

~Dionne
Mommy to Jessica, Alexa & William 02/20/02 31w6d

Working Moms of Multiples - Join our On-Line Group:
http://www.msnusers.com/WorkingMomsofMultiples

~Dionne
Mommy to Jessica, Alexa & William 02/20/02 31w6d