Ladies, please...I need some advice. My little Bryce has begun throwing some out-of-control tantrums lately. He has always been more stubborn and strong willed. However, lately, it has escalated to a new level. I just want to make sure I'm not missing anything. Is there something wrong? Could I handle things better?

If the boys do something wrong and break a rule, they are sent to their room. The other two will go, cool off, then we talk and all is well. When Bryce breaks a rule, I tell him calmly "You chose to break the rule, so you know you have to go to your room." Immediately, he throws himself onto the floor kicking and screaming. I then pick him up, take him to his room and walk out closing the door. Now, during that walk, I am punched and kicked. He is totally out of control. He usually keeps coming out unless I hold the door. When he is calm, I will go in to talk to him. He is then very pleasant, apologetic, and sweet. I have stayed very consistent on the consequences, thinking that it would get better, but it has not. This has been going on for weeks. I am drained, and so is he. Today he did this at preschool. My dh is principal at the school, so I know the teacher isn't as strict as she should be with consequences.
I have reward chart for good behavior. I praise him when he's good, and try to "catch him being good."
Am I missing something? Please help!

Carrie
Mom to Brant (4/1/00)
Bryce, Brett, and Bryan (7/26/04)

Just a total shot in ther dark here, but are you giving warnings? An opportunity to change his behavior before the consequence is enacted? Some kiddos (Abbi was this way) need the opportunity to get it right. Love and Logic got me into the "uh oh" song! LOL!

"Uh Oh! Abbi, you are not sharing the toys in a kind way. Can you show me how we share our toys?"

Giving her the opportunity to make a better choice? Then if she can't get it together, I sign the song again.

"Uh Oh! Abbi, you aren't making very good choices. If you continue to take the toys away instead of sharing kindly, you will have to take a time out. Please share your toys in a kind way."

And if she is unable to pull it together after giving her a clear understand of my expectations, then we sing the song on the way to the corner.

"Uh Oh! Abbi, you didn't make a good choice. In this family we share our toys nicely. Now you have to take a time out. See you in four minutes."

This is our way. It worked for Abbi. Good luck. When you get it all worked out, please share with the class! I would love to add to my bag of tricks!

hmmm. never thought of using the uh oh song in a warning way (L&L seems to not like warnings). but this might help with one or two of ours. going to give it a try too! thanks!

Mary

born 12/12/04 33w2d

L & L is hardcore! LOL!

Abbi never was my two-step thinker. She behaved in a manner that suited her and didn't seem to think about the consequences. Then, she would seem surprised that she was in trouble! As if I was using the tactic of unfair surprise, lol! The older girls had more forethought. If they were misbehaving, they really knew it. Abbi would just do and then think! Having the warning and verbal correction would help us escape some of the tantrums and give her the opportunity to act in a more appropriate manner. Then it really was a choice to misbehave. And that choice comes with consequences (insert L & L here).

It worked with that kid. Who knows what will work with Kaeleb!!! I am constantly defeated in that arena.

Edited to add: I think Abbi's concern was more impulse control than naughtiness. Like the whole biting the mailman event. I also think that is why she threw such fantastic fits when she got into trouble. Sometimes that warning can help tame the impulsivity and steer us away from problems. Other times, there is nothing left to do but fight the good fight.

well, I planned to try out your stuff today, but I was too busy yelling and losing my voice to happily sing the 'uh oh' song.

maybe next time!

this has been a horrible week and it's only Tuesday!!! is there a full moon or something?! I swear, me and my kids are not normally this bad! arrgh.

Mary

born 12/12/04 33w2d

Lea,
Thanks so much for your reply. Yes, I do give warnings, but probably not as consistently as I should. When you're talking about Abbi, I know this is my Bryce. I have to do better with the warnings. Funny how it is so simple, but can mean a world of difference. I just have to be aware.
How would you handle hitting? I don't want to give a warning to "not hit again" when his brother is screaming. I think there should be an immediate consequence, but then I deal with a "freak out" moment where he is out of control.
Thanks!
Carrie
mom to Brant (4/1/00)
Bryce, Brett and Bryan (7/26/04)

Hitting it tough. Like biting or pinching. I think it's as much about a lack of empathy, as it is about impulsivity. Abbi wasn't terribly aggressive, per say. I didn't deal with too much of that. Kaeleb, 2.5 years old, has zero receptive language and has absolutely zero pain response. He is terribly aggressive. Know, before I continue, that I am not comparing your kiddo to Kaeleb. I know he is in a league of his own, but I will share how the behavorist tells us to manage him.

Like most toddlers, empathy is learned not innate. When you are dealing with a child falling within normal limits, you use the same words for that child's injuries, as you would for the injuries that child inflicts. When your monkey falls and hurts his knee, flood him with words that describe that pain and really demonstrate empathy for his pain.

"Oh Buddy look at your poor knee! You skinned it pretty badly. Does that hurt? It looks very sore. I am sorry that you got hurt, buddy. That is no fun! Lets see if mommy can make it better! Can I give kisses? Do you want an ice pack? We have to be careful not to hurt ourselves. I hope that you feel better soon" etc...

We were told to use a consistant method of boo-boo care. For example, get a boo-boo bunny or a fun ice pack (we have a princess gel one and a Cars one, from target). When anyone gets hurt, grab the ice pack. Uses kisses and hugs to heal wounds, for all the kids. Tell your hurt monkey how sorry you are that they were hurt. When someone hurts someone else, work on the same response: Offender gets the ice pack, offender gives kisses, offender offers an apology. They keep drilling into my head: Routine, routine, routine. Act as you want them to behave. Model the appropriate response.

After the boo-boo has been cared for, explain to offender how they hurt the victim. Tell the offender that it makes you sad to see someone hurt and that you are so glad that he apologized because you know what a kind heart your monkey has. I am continually told that positive reponses go so much further than negative ones.

I do this with Kaeleb, and it makes no difference. He doesn't feel pain, and he doesn't understand me. That makes for one very large hurdle to scale. But, I stick with it. Cause that's the only trick I've got. I know it takes times to make it stick, even for the brightest child. As you know, it takes consistance. This advice comes from a well respected behaviorist in our community, and I am believing that she knows her stuff. (Lord help me if she doesn't!!! LOL!)

I hope this helps. Parenting is a tough job and every child is different. Let me know how it works for you if you chose to use this method. I would love to hear a success story!!

Lea,
You're awesome! Thank you so much. I will be starting this today to see if it makes a difference. I am hopeful that it will. It's a great plan for Bryce since he does show remorse after the fact. I know I'll have to go over other choices he could've made after he whacks the crap out of his brother. I agree, usually these instances are a result of impulsivity. He just isn't sure how to deal with the anger. I will certainly update.
I know it has to be frustrating when trying to help Kaeleb the best way possible. I have no doubt that he is lucky to have you for his mommy.

Warmly,
Carrie
Mom to Brant (4/1/00)
Bryce, Brett, and Bryan (7/26/04)