Hi to all,
I'm sure many of you have dealt w/ similar situations. its not the first time for me either and I guess I feel like the more time passes since our daughter died the less I speak up. Almost like I think others will think "she still talks about that kid???" I know I shouldn't care, but anyway, here's what happened.
Saturday we went to kid bday at gym place. mommies being introduced to one another, someone mentions having 3 kids... but none of us in that circle have 3 (technically). So, my friend is quick to say, "no, none of us have 3, nor would we want that many" then,She looked at me, and I just did the "social chuckle" like all the other mommies. I know she does not think of my daughter the way I do. But can people really expect us to forget? didn't think it was the appropriate time to say, "well, I did have 3 but one is gone now..." I might start to sound like "debbie downer" on SNL.(funny if you watch the show) I'm not hurt by what she said. It was totally innocent, I just hate how it still stings so when the momments do arise.
I was probably extra sensitive b/c my cousin was there w/ her daughter who was born 17 hrs. before my 3 were and we had always envisioned our girls playing together. We were close throughout our pregnancies and now zip...We only see each other at these functions. It was hard watching the boys play w/her. It always is. So, now I'm just rambling, venting...
I'll let y'all go, just needed to let a bit out tonight.
Julie, mommy to 29 week triplets. id boys now 4.5 and their fraternal sister in heaven

Our surviving triplets are almost 5
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Our surviving triplets are almost 5
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Julie,
I am sorry that you were put in such a hurtful position. My heart used to sting so much when I had my two surviving triplets and people would comment on how I had my hands full and it would drive me crazy. Now that I have my baby people say the same stupid comment or they will say I can't believe you tried for another one. I know these people don't know what they are saying but it hurts all the same. I also know that it is hard to always speak up. I let strangers just refer to my boys as twins because of the looks I get when I call them "surviving triplets". I know they are triplets and that is all that matters but you wouldn't have been a "downer" if you would have said something like I would give anything to have 3 children. Of course I know the good comebacks always come to mind after the fact.

I also can completely relate to seeing your boy's with your cousin's daughter. My brother and SIL have a little girl who is 3 months older than my boys. She is tiny so they are all exactly the same size. When she is over if I sit back and reflect I get very sad. Sometimes I babysit her and when I bathe the three of them together it is very hard. My husband can't even come in while I bathe them because it is too hard to see the three of them together. so I know that as the years pass it will always be hard to see your sons with another little girl the same age especially family.

(((Hugs))) to you. Sounds like you had a rough week.

God Bless,
Angie

Mom to Trent, Trey, and ^Grace^ born 8/8/02
Trevin born 5/26/04
Taryn born 10/24/06.

How horrible what else could you do at that moment. Don't ever let people discard your child, she was real and she is a part of you and others should know about it. I would mention to your "friend" that comments like that do not need to be spoken especially when you are present. And PRAY TO GOD that SHE NEVER has to experience the loss of a child and then have to smile at HER "friends" rude comments in the end. I am so sorry for you....But don't let her ignorance bring you down be proud and talk ALL you want of your family. Through YOu and YOUR love is the only way that child will be recognized. (((HUGS)))

Ya Ya

Julie --
I have a pretty low threshold for ignorant comments. I like to think that if someone said that in my presence (specifically, the "nor would we want to" part), I would say -- "No, that's not true, I would give anything to have three children." Enough to be obscure for the people who don't know but hopefully scathing enough to smack some sense into the smirky friend. At the very least I would like to believe I would have a conversation with that friend at a later point. Of course, having not been there in that situation I can only "believe" that's what I would do -- I may just be a big talker .

Part of me feels evil in thinking of saying these things, and the other part of me feels like the protective mother I am -- and there's no reason I shouldn't protect my children who are no longer living.

I'm sorry you had to sit through this insensitivity.

^West Rogers^, ^Keaton Edward^, ^Rebecca Joy^ 1/6/04



Missing their sister ^Maria Jose^ 4/7/04-5/10/04

People say the most bizarre things, don't they? Just think about it: This friend was saying that none of you would want 3 kids to someone who had 3 kids -- wow! If we had all three of our babies, and someone told us that none of them would WANT all three, we would still be insulted. It was a rude thing to say, and this friend realized, too late, that it was also not true and would be offensive to the person who had lost a baby. Let's face it: This was just a particularly dumb thing to say no matter who was involved.

I also struggle with the twin/triplet thing and any more I find myself simply telling people that I have "twips." That's "two triplets." When they realize that one was lost, I rush them past that into more comfortable territory by describing the babies' ages (1 year 2 weeks) and what all they're doing now. It helps people get past the awkward part and back onto the "wow, there's two of them" excitement and doesn't leave them feeling like they've just stepped in dog poop. (I guess that "Debbie Downer" thing that you mentioned, huh?)

But there is really something wrong with this world of our's where everyone talks in sound-bites and you must always serve up a socially appropriate sound-bite that is happy and upbeat. That just isn't reality.

I'm with April. I would probably have spoken up, but not with a real zinger -- just an, "I'd give anything to have three" comment.

Good luck to you on this. It really isn't easy, is it?

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.