Last night was a really hard night. Bethany wanted a bedtime story about Baby Angela...so I told her a very brief synoposis of Angela's life, ending with "and she's in heaven with Jesus now." She started crying...sobbing..."I want Baby Angela back." Dad and I both talked with her, comforted her and she calmed. We left the room and in five minutes more sobbing...she said "I need a helper. Baby Angela used to hold me and now I need a helper to hold me." Is this for real?

I've done a couple of informal tests on her memory...I made up a song to sing to them when I was pregnant. We sang it when they were first born also. It was the last song we sang to Angela as we held her and she died. Bethany was in the room at that time, being held by a friend. We were behind a curtain so the others really didn't know what was happening. However, my friend, who was sobbing as she heard us sing, said Bethany opened her eyes and picked up her head looking towards the ceiling. Then they heard us say, "she's gone." Did Bethany know? They were only 8 days old.

We've struggled singing that song since then, but on the few times I've tried Bethany immediately begins to cry...even now. I also would sing "God is so good" after Angela died...I would hold Bethany, sing this and cry (Of course)...When she hears that now, even in church, she begins to cry.

What can they remember? What do I do? It's one thing to deal with my emotions, but this is so hard to think she might actually be remembering and missing her sister. It makes me so angry at my doctor for doing this to her. Will she deal with this the rest of her life? Is this why she is so attached to her "babies"...many dolls, she feeds, nurses them, won't let anyone else touch them, the whole thing. Where do I go for help? Millions of questions...needing answers.

twintrips

GG born 6/6/00 @ 37W 1d
Angela home to heaven 6/14/00

BBG born 6/8/02 @ 33w 5d

I don't have "answers" but I do have plenty of opinions. They spent nine months (or so) together getting here -- during which time they knew no one else -- it was them and some noise and motion on the outside -- they heard each other's heartbeats, kicked each other, and slept cuddled up next to each other. I think when you have this closeness it's something you don't forget.

I ALSO think music has a universal tie -- doesn't matter what language you speak or if you speak at all. I know when I hear a song tons of memories flood back to me of where I was when I heard that song, what I was doing, who I was with.

As for her angel holding her -- I can't really discount that either. When we lost our first set of triplets (and until this day) I do every once in a while feel like one or more of them is with me -- even holding me. If it is not a reality, then I think it's at least a normal human means of dealing with grief.

And I have come to the opinion that grief is a good thing -- as sad as it makes us to cry over our losses, it at the same time acknowledges their existence -- something that is so difficult to do when you don't have that baby/child here on earth to hold. Grief stinks, but it's also a good thing.

And I think multiples who have lost one of their set have cause to feel grief over that loss -- she was supposed to have someone to grow up with, to be confused with by teachers, to share and to fight with. Even though she didn't "know" baby Angela in the way we think about it, it doesn't diminish her connection or her grief.

A good thing about grief is after we go through it the pain lessens and the happy memories and gratitude seem to replace that pain. I know when we lost our babies (and when we found out one of our girls had passed away) I thought I was doomed to the deepest pit of sorrow for the rest of my life ... but that's not the case -- things started getting better in days, weeks, months. Now, a year out, I am daily finding more peace in our loss, more joy in my life and more connection between the two. I am not in any way "grateful" for our loss -- I would give ANYTHING to change what happened -- but I have found a place for it and a way to survive and thrive through it. I think this is the ultimate end to grief.

A side note: Today I got what I think is one of the greatest gifts in existence -- the newspaper did an article on our girls when they were born. The adoption agency gave me a photocopy of it months ago, but today I received the original in the mail. To my shock and delight I found out it's a full color set of pictures of our babies four days old with their sister (who passed away a month later). I had always been a bit leery of how I would talk to them about their sister -- I've always been committed to doing so, but didn't know how I would approach it. Now I have my centerpiece for communication for this as well as a pictoral record of their early lives.

^West Rogers^, ^Keaton Edward^, ^Rebecca Joy^ 1/6/04



Missing their sister ^Maria Jose^ 4/7/04-5/10/04

(((Hugs))) I have to be brief as my boys just dumped about 5gal of water out of the tub but I can't get your post off my mind as I try to get the water out.

Last Spring - after Easter - we were at church. There were banners around the church, etc.

Colin had walked out of the pew (2yrs 3mos or so at the time). It caught my eye that he was waving up at the ceiling. I thought he must be waving at a banner or something that was up there but there was NOTHING were his eyes were focused.

He was smiling and happy and just kept waving and then started to motion "come here" with his hand. He did this a few times and then waved some more and then came back to me.

There really was nothing that I could see where he was looking and I believe that he was waving at his angel brother (Yes, freak show, I know).

I need to think and get back to you. I think that what Bethany is going through is probably pretty therapeutic for her - more on that later. She may need to go through the grieving process now.

(((((hugs))))) to you and to Bethany.
Marie

Marie

Although my kids were not triplets, my son was 5 and my daughter 3 when my son passed. Over then many years since this happened I have done tons of research on this. Mainly because after my son passed my three year old would cry and say things just as your daughter is and then one night I heard her talking in her room and laughing. This was around Midnight so I went in to investigate. She was sitting up in her bed and looked like she was playing pattycake with someone. Her eyes were open so I assumed she was awake. I went over to talk with her and tuck her in and she starting crying that I made Eugene go away. She said he came just to play with her since she had been feeling so sad. Granted I nearly lost it but never doubted what my daughter was saying.

Over the years, we would have picnics together at his gravesite and sometimes when something great happened to her she wanted to go tell her brother.

Since I truley believe that my son was in heaven he could also see that she needed him and he visited her when needed. This helped me more than you know.

Your babies where together in the womb long before you got to hold them and get to know them. They know each other- all loss hurts , but helping your daughter to not only express her loss but acknowledging it can help through the hard times. I can honestly say I was a little jealous my son was "visiting" with my daughter and not me -since the loss was so painful but I also believe he knew that I could handle it where my daughter was still to little to really understand.

I am sorry this has gotten so long. Please continue to comfort your daughter and acknowledge her loss as it is just as great or even more than your (she knew her sister longer). I can say things do get better.
If you have more questions please feel free to send me a private message .

Krista

Mom to^Eugene^-8-16-81-2-7-87
Tina 11-7-83
Sarah 2-26-91
Grandma to James- 2-28-2003
Aunt GGG triplets 10-02-02

Mom to^Eugene^-8-16-81-2-7-87
Tina 11-7-83
Sarah 2-26-91
Grandma to James- 2-28-2003
Aunt GGG triplets 10-02-02

I think that your situation is complicated by the fact that she also has siblings who are triplets. She sees their interactions and, unlike most siblings who have lost a twin, she gets a full-on view of what life with her twin would have been like. It has got to feel sad and lonely compared with seeing her triplet siblings.

I don't know how far back the memories go, but children definitely pick up on our grief, as well. If you weep when you sing to a child, they will come to associate the music with sadness -- but, this would also be true if they felt their own sadness associated with the music. So, it's very hard to tell which is which.

What is certain is that she is, indeed, grieving the loss of her twin. She is missing her twin, even if it is solely because she knows, from you, that she had a twin and lost her. She has gotten old enough to recognize the significance of that and the loss of it.

There are some things that you can do to help. One good thing is to help her write a letter to Angela, telling her all about what she's missing, but also about her other friends and things that they are doing right now. Then, go to the store together and get a helium balloon with a long string. Go to a beautiful spot and help Bethany attach her note to the balloon, then release it to send it to Angela.

Actually, you could do this with all of your children, although Bethany is the one having problems with this, so it might just be something special you could do together. Or, you and your husband and Bethany could all write notes and send them on separate balloons together.

This is one of the exercises that we used at the annual grief camp that we held for the children of hospice patients in Illinois where I served as an intern chaplain.

We also used art projects, including clay, to make things that reminded us of the person; played games that taught the children about giref; and, shared with others what we were experiencing. So, another suggestion might be to see if there are other people in your multiples group who have surviving twins the age of Bethany. If not, perhaps there is someone who has surviving triplets the age of Bethany. Find someone and see if their children are also aware of the loss. If so, this might be a good friendship for Bethany, as there would be understanding of the loss.

If her grief persists, you might wish to speak with a chaplain from hospice to see if they know someone who works with grief in children. Also, there are some very good books written for children about grief. I suspect there may even be a book written about having lost a sibling baby and/or even a twin.

Good luck to you in handling this. I know that it must also grieve you to see Bethany's pain as you continue to work through your loss of Angela. I will keep you in my prayers.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

Cat, excellent point on her observing the multiples phenomenon in her sibling. I'm so glad you chimed in.

Marie

Marie