Howdy,

My survivors are over 3 now and attend a special needs preschool. Maggie has been having some behavior problems and I and the teachers wanted to get things checked out so we set up an appt with the behaviorist. Possibly leading to a phych consult. (possible aspbergers)

Anyhooooo, to jump back a bit. Their teacher was told at our meeting this summer that the girls were surviving triplets( Ben died at 4 days). For the first 3 months of school they were constantly being referred to as "the twins". Broke me up but I'm not as strong as a lot of women and I let it slide. I had a bad morning one day and just said, "they're not twins, it hurts my feelings when you call them that. Please call them "the girls" if you need something quick to call them. They had twin stuff written all over their belongings, diapers and such. It was only a breif correction on my part, litterally exactly what I wrote. Things were MUCH better and they just call them the Conley girls. Fine by me!

To jump to present again. Behaviorist comes to house for consult. Nice lady, good suggestions for Maggie. Next appt comes to house and immediately says she heard that the girls were originally triplets and we lost our son, Ben. Says I need grief counseling. Not taking care of myself, hard to take care of my kids. ARRRHHHGG! I'm tired of being the mom who's son died. I don't think I bring it up too much. I can sadly say that I don't think the girls realize they have a brother that was born with them.

I guess I'm just rambling. Anyone else facing this type of problem?

Gina

Gina:

This woman needs sensitivity training. She also needs a science class or two. Your girls are not "originally triplets." They are STILL triplets. Being a triplet means that you were in the womb, gestating, at the same time as two other siblings were in the womb and gestating.

Grief counseling is probably not such a terrible idea given that the grief process takes between 5 and 8 years to work through, and it is complicated by other significant events. Having two children with major health issues is significant and may have turned this circumstance into a complicated grief issue.

However, this woman didn't seem to know any of this. All she knew was that she was not supposed to refer to the girls as "twins." She's obviously a moron and felt compelled to dish at you because she was curtailed from calling them twins.

If you'd like, please feel free to print this off and hand it to her. If she would like to, she may send me an e-mail and I will be happy to speak with her personally. I've had counseling training and have worked as a Hospice Chaplain. Honey, I KNOW grief counseling like the back of my hand. I also know enough about biology to know that your girls are surviving triplets -- not "originally triplets."

If you'd like to have something to say back to her, you should tell her that, since you haven't spoken with her about the loss of your third triplet, it is highly unusual that she would conclude that you were not handling that loss appropriately. Then, ask her how she came to that conclusion. E.g.,

"I'm not sure how you learned that I had lost my son, Ben, who is the third triplet, and I'm wondering how you came to the conclusion that I have not addressed my grief at the loss of Ben, and/or my grief at dealing with the health issues of my surviving triplets. How did you come to that conclusion?"

The woman was presumptuous. You've also indicated that she's a nice lady. Give her a chance to explain a bit. It was high-handed of her to jump to conclusions and a bit mean-spirited since she has probably never lost a child. Forgive her and go on. But know that she is the one with the problem, and it isn't you. Your feelings are right on track and you're obviously doing very well. If you weren't, you probably would've clocked her!!

I love your post and your heart for your children -- it shows through so clearly in your post.

Fondly,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

Caeleigh and Caidan are on the move!! My triplets are
http://lilypie.com>

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

Thank you so much for the reply. I really means a lot. I just keep thinking that things like this will stop happening since it's been 3 years. I certainly thought it wouldn't affect me as much.

Gina

Gina --
I'm not in your situation, but I can see the day when this happens.

You know better than anyone where you are in your grief and whether you need counseling -- I wouldn't let a woman you met once tell you you need counseling based solely on the fact that you refuse to let Ben's life be dismissed. Whether the girls remember him or not, you do.

There are things that trigger pain from loss, and I would think having your surviving triplets haphazardly labeled as twins would have that affect. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, but I'm proud that you stood up for Ben's memory.

Take what you need out of that meeting and the message from the woman ... and let the rest go.

Wishing you peace.

^West Rogers^, ^Keaton Edward^, ^Rebecca Joy^ 1/6/04



Missing their sister ^Maria Jose^ 4/7/04-5/10/04

Steff,

Thank you for your reply. I did feel so good standing up for Ben that day. Never really expected that would come to haunt me a couple of months later. I'm not really blaming the behaviorist. She obviously got her info from the girl's teacher, who isn't so high on my list.

Gina

People have a hard time dealing with someone who has lost a child. Then there is the loss of knowing our survivors have other things they have to deal with as they grow. There is a different kind of mourning associated there.

I am Ok being the mom who's son died, as long as those people labelling me in that way also recognize that I will go to any length to get the help and respect my survivors need. I am pretty vocal about the whole thing, and I think the lady who came to your house was in thewrong to ASSUME that you needed to face your grief just from the comment about your feelings being hurt. Maybe a better way to word the comment was that they simply are not twins. Hurt feeling or not.

I may be coming off as rude here. I truly do not mean to. I support you and your feelings, and coming from someone who talks about her son often, that isn't a bad thing to do! Tell the behaviorist to read the lone twin research...families who talked about the lost twin raised a better adjusted child, more able to deal with life and what comes along. Much better than the lone twins who grew up with the sense that thier twin was a taboo subject.

She is just one lady. Don't let her bother you, but I hope she is a help to your daughter.

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks

I guess I'm not angry at the behaviorist, mostly the teacher. Obviously the behaviorist had to get her information from somewhere and it just hit me that I'm either oozing some mental anguish or the teacher is just over reacting from our conversation a couple of months ago. The behaviorist really just wanted to make sure my needs were being taken care of.

As for the need for counseling, maybe I do need it but there just little chance I'm going to make sacrafices to fit it into our schedule.

Next year the girls will be in separate classrooms and I doubt I'll have to go through the situation again.

Gina

Gina:

From the way you described your meeting with the teacher, and from the way that you have handled the quasi-assault by the behaviorist, it seems to me that you are handling your grief well. The whole purpose of counseling for grief is to assist the person in assimilating the loss into their lives so that they are strengthened and carry away good traits as the result of the losses and pain, rather than being crippled by them. If handled correctly, grief makes us stronger, more compassionate, wiser, and better able to cope with the circumstances that life will continue to throw at us.

It seems to me that you are assimilating the loss of your son very well -- you didn't pitch a fit with the teacher, nor with the behaviorist. In fact, it doesn't even sound as though you broke into tears -- which would demonstrate that the wounds were still much fresher, not that you hadn't assimilated things. And, your firm focus on doing what is best for your survivors, including your admission that the behaviorist is doing a good job for them, shows maturity and a willingness to deal with the reality of your children's special needs.

I think that you are doing GREAT! Grief is a difficult thing and it is very hard to work through. But that doesn't mean that we all must go and meet with counselors and shell out money in order to work through it. If it didn't seem that things are improving for you, then, YES. But that isn't the case here.

I also think that people who hear about these kinds of losses tend to project their own inabilities to deal with such a loss onto the relatively tame statements that we make in defense of our third triplet and/or in defense of our children's status as multiples. I think that this is what has happened here.

And, as Steff said, folks don't like to have to deal with the awful truth of our losses.

You know what??? Too bad. You're doing great, girl. You stay on track and keep moving forward. If you need to talk to someone about this, we're here for you. You come and vent and/or cry with us any time you need to. We will be here for you.

God bless you and your babies -- all three. You have a beautiful day. Gotta' go. Gonna' be late to Court. Yikes.

Love,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

Caeleigh and Caidan are on the move!! My triplets are
http://lilypie.com>

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

Everyone's posts above are so eloquent and wise, and their advice sounds worthy of following. I don't have any advice, just a comment. Maybe it's just my mood tonight, but the Behaviorist sounds like an idiot to me - even if she is also nice. These are not mutually exclusive traits.

Michelle
Cooper Santiago (Baby Boy A) & Carson Javier (Baby Boy B) - 29wks/3d
Baby Boy C - our beloved angel 18wks/5days

http://lilypie.com>

Gina,

I would be furious at this person telling you to get grief counseling. I don't know if you need counseling or not but that is very presumptuous of someone who has never met you before. That said, hopefully her heart was in the right place and her intention was to offer you empathy. Maybe she can't imagine having to go through what you have in the loss of Ben.

I'm glad that the teachers were responsive to your request that your daughters not be referred to as "twins". I've had to constantly fight this even within my own family. Doesn't seem like it would be so hard to refer to them as "the boys", does it.

I've been so glad to read Cat's posts this week about the duration of working through grief being 5-8 years. That makes so much sense.

There are probably those that think I bring my son up too much. i don't think so. I certainly don't ever bring his name up out of context or just to "bring people down". I never tell my story to a pregnant woman.

With respect to talking about your child too much. I have discovered many people that I knew that had lost children - to miscarriage, heart defect, still birth, etc. And every one has talked about their loss at length with me. I can tell that they were glad to have someone know of this child that they carried but that isn't here on earth. It does bring us to a kind of crummy little club but I know that it helps my heart to know of others that can relate (obviously I wouldn't wish this on anyone) even though none of them lost a baby in a multiple pg.

Now I'm rambling.

Marie

Marie

Marie:

I provided grief counseling through Hospice long before I had ever gone through any grief myself. I was shocked to learn that grief is a 5-8 year proposition -- particularly when everyone else seems to think that you sweep the whole thing under the rug two weeks after a loss/funeral. I think people are even more hasty to sweep things under the rug if the loss involves a baby that they have never seen and that, perhaps, no one has ever seen alive.

It's very sad because being treated poorly after such a loss may even subject someone to complicated grief -- where the grief just grabs you and won't let go. If one goes into an embittered grief and/or a place where they cannot communicate their feelings on what has happened, it can stagnate and linger for years and years.

It's funny, but right after my losing Carina, I knew all of the steps of grief and what kinds of things would be helpful to say and what wouldn't be helpful. It was like sitting removed from my grief and watching how it fell into place on the counseling charts. But the most interesting part is that I KNEW that I needed to be able to share this and to talk about it in order to get better. Still, the fact that I was still hurting two weeks after the loss caused any number of NICU nurses to suggest that I REALLY NEEDED counseling. Some of them were terribly concerned that I bristled at them referring to my babies as "twins," despite the fact that they were clearly labeled, "Baby A" and "Baby C."

People can be such morons. The incredible part of the equation is that, we who have gone through this are wiser and are obligated to try to suck it up and be compassionate towards them. Kinda' sucks, doesn't it??

Aw well. Unfortunately, misery loves company...

Love,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

Caeleigh and Caidan are on the move!! My triplets are
http://lilypie.com>

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

Cat,

I don't know that I've ever read your birth order before, my angel was delivered baby B as well. That's kind of unusual but it actually brought me comfort to see our monitors labeled "A" & "C". I was very lucky in that we had nurses that were sensitive to me. There was an pg woman expecting triplets that was doing a NICU tour one day while I was kangarooing and they came to "warn" me and asked if I'd be comfortable talking to her (bc I was nursing and she had questions). I really appreciated them giving me that extra thought.

One strange part of my journey, it seems like I'm nodding less often when asked "are they twins".

I think that the 5-8 year thing makes total sense! That too, brings some comfort to me. Not bc I'm stuck with respect to my son but bc it allows me the grief I do still feel KWIM?

I remember during a crisis in my life my dad told me "in 2 years it will be better" and at the time thinking - "are you kidding, i won't survive two years feeling this way" - but he was right. 2 years later I was a month shy of delivering my babies. In the span of a human life and how we process things I think 5 years to work through (not "get over") a loss seems very reasonable - assuming that it is not all consuming of you.

Marie

Marie