Reading everyone's messages and stories over the last several months on this board has been like a balm for my soul. All of you mommies are amazing and I hope you know how inspirational you are for anyone who comes acroos this forum. Since I have found this forum to be so cathartic one of my New Years resolutions was to post my story. I kept postponing it but I might never lose that last 10 pounds so this may be the only resolution I keep.

On August 10, 2004 at 36 wks and 3 days (I was so proud of that) with a fairly uneventful triplet pregnancy I delivered my triplets, 2 boys and 1 beautiful angel girl. Losing my daughter, even now I still can't describe it. It's so bittersweet to have those memories of anticipation in the hospital lobby, getting ready for surgery, the first sweet cry of my first born son, and then that horrible silence. I was shell shocked for a couple of weeks. I had a few breakdowns but it wasn't until around the third week home when most of my visitors had left that I really started to grieve for Sean (my daughter).

I started to keep a journal and I'm truly blessed to have an incredible husband, two beautiful boys, and very supportive family and friends. But this kind of loss is really something you have to work out on your own. I used to go out once a day for a short walk around the neighborhood, for some reason I felt closer to Sean outside. I would walk around talking to myself, praying, and crying, and sitting in the swings at the little park in our neighborhood. I'm sure people thought I was crazy, but I didn't care. I spent so much time trying to understand why this happened. And eventually I decided that no reason would ever give me the solace or peace I was looking for, no reason would be good enough. Sean was gone and I had to accept it.

Let me say here that I thank God daily for my two sons. We tried a long time for children, we are so lucky to have them, and I'm crazy about those boys. Taking care of them and loving them makes the greiving bearable.

The acceptance phase is still sometimes hard. I have definitely found solace in God, in prayer, in knowing that we'll be reunited again. I just finished reading the Secret Lives of Bees and the main character in the book says that when she's reunited with her Mommy in heaven she wants her to spend the first 10,000 years brushing her hair. I just love the idea that I can have eternity with Sean. But I still someimes ache to hold her, I wish I had my C-section just a week earlier. And now every once in a while I'll sort of re-live where I was last year in my pregnancy. I've promised myself that Sean will not the greatest loss in my life, She is not going to be something that brings me down. She is what drives me to a better person, a better mother, a better wife.

I have to admit I do not tell every Tom, ##### and Harry that crosses my path that the boys are triplets. I guess I feel like Sean is my private treasure not something for everyone to know about. All of my friends and family know about her, but if strangers ask, I usually just say, "yes, they're twins"

Anyways, this post has gotten way too long. If there's anyone out there lurking and reading. I just want you to know that it's only been 6 months for me but the pain gets better. I think about my daughter every day and I talk to her everyday. But I can talk about my daughter without crying, I can completely enjoy my boys without thinking that a piece of them is missing. I hope this helps somebody out there.

Mother of
Benjamin Carter
Sean Cannady
Joshua Sterling

hugs to you (((((((((chichi)))))))))) and thank you for sharing your story about Sean. I am 5 years post the loss of my son ,Jack, and I still think about him daily. There were days when I SWORE I could see him lying in the crib with his sisters and I could feel him lying his head on my shoulder. I will always wonder what our lives would be like with him here now and how all 5 of my children would be together.
I,too, spent much time asking God why was he taken from me? What was the point? What am I supposed to be learning from this experience? I don't know if I have an answer but I know that before having children and losing Jack, I was very selfish, self-absorbed and I was not a very strong person emotionally. Since then, I've become focused outside myself, there's very little in this world that scares me any longer and I've become VERY outspoken where my children are concerned.
I, too, look forward to the day I am reunited with Jack but until then, I treasure the time I have here with my living chidlren and I can appreciate them all for the miracles that they are.

God bless you.

Korrie~
^i^B/G/G 24 w 3d,1/17/00
B 10/31/01
B 1/27/03

<a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="" alt="Lilypie Kids birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a>

ChiChi,

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you found your way to this forum and that you have found some solace here. I hope that you continue to post and let us support you any way we can.

I'm very sorry for your loss and hope that your sons are thriving.

Marie

Marie

I am very sorry to hear of your loss, and I hope that you will continue to share your feelings and thoughts here on this board as you need to do so. I don't think your post is too long, or that you waited too long to share your story. I agree with you that this is a wonderful board for support.

Michelle
Cooper Santiago (Baby Boy A) & Carson Javier (Baby Boy B) - 29wks/5d
Baby Boy C - our beloved angel 18wks/5days

http://lilypie.com>

ChiChi: I am so sorry for your loss. I lost one of my twin daughters after an uneventful pregnancy. I was 37 wk and excited like you. I understand your shock. It was over 4 yrs ago for me.

I'm glad you are sharing with us. May God bless you on your journey. I'm not familiar with the book you mentioned, but I think I'll let my hair grow long again!

God bless...
Janet

twintrips

GG born 6/6/00 @ 37W 1d
Angela home to heaven 6/14/00

BBG born 6/8/02 @ 33w 5d

ChiChi,
Welcome to our sad group. I am sorry about the loss of your Sean. I am glad you found the strength to post here. Writing your feelings can be very healing. It sounds like you have a great outlook on life, and are dealing with your loss in a totally appropriate way. (who cares if the neighbors think you are crazy!)

I hope you continue to feel peace in your journey.

((hugs))
Erika

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks