Ok, the babies are only 4 weeks old, and dh is ready to schedule his surgery. I don't know how to feel about this at all. One one hand, I know that 3 is enough, and I should count my blessings, and be done and happy with what I got. On the other hand, the loss of Eastyn weighs heavy on my heart. I know I can never bring him back, get to hold him or raise him, but I feel like God took one from me, so maybe he'll give me another baby. I hate feeling like it is so final, with having him have the surgery. I am 28, he's 31, we are still fairly young. I know we've been through so much with 4 years of infertility, the surprise of triplets, the sorrow of loosing Eastyn, the uncertainty of Rylan's brain injury, an emotional rollercoaster. I feel guilty and selfish for not wanting my family to be "done". But I also don't want to stretch myself so thin, meaning I know there may be much of my time that goes to Rylan. Also, I still have Logan and Lyndon, I should just be satisfied with everything God has given me.....right???

Sorry to ramble on, I just don't know what to do or feel. Maybe I should just agree to stay on the pill for a while. But I know that my husband feels like our family is finished.

TIA for any input.

p.s. I really don't know if my heart could handle another pregnancy or loss.

Kelly

DS~7years
triplets~2years
January 25, 2005 at 33.4 weeks
DS,DD, and ^i^DS

I feel the same way. Only, my tubes are tied. Eric talked about getting "clipped" but I told him that if I were to end up pregnant I would consider it a wonderful thing. I have four living children, and should be totally happy, but I would welcome another. He's not so keen on the procedure anyway, so we are letting things be. Chances are slim, but there, and we are OK with that.

Talk with your husband honestly. be sure he knows how you feel. You know, part of Eric's reason for not wanting more is how scared he is that the same thing will happen again. that we will have a preemie, or lose another child. We couldn't handle that. We don't really know what delays Levi and Vivian will have yet, there's too much unanswered. Too many worries. That may be kind of what your husband is thinking about.

It's a very hard decision to make. But be sure you both agree on it.

((hugs))
Erika

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks

We did talk about it this afternoon. I fully understand his reasoning behind his feelings, and pretty much agree 100%. I guess, it's just the fact I expected to be a mother of 4 children once we found out about the triplets. I just have a hole in my heart for the loss of Eastyn, and I know even if God gave me 1 more child, it would never be Eastyn, so I would be trying to artificially fill that hole.

My husband is like yours, he does worry about the toll a pregnancy takes on me. Bedrest, diabetes, toximia.... He just doesn't want to take anymore chances and loose me as well. I understand completely, it's just my own selfishness and self pitty. But like you, if he gets clipped and I would still end up pregnant, guess it would be meant to be and a blessing.

Thanks for listening.

Kelly

DS~7years
triplets~2years
January 25, 2005 at 33.4 weeks
DS,DD, and ^i^DS

There is an article/letter in the TC newsletter (most recent issue I received) that discusses a vasectomy done right after delivery of the couple's triplets (2 surviving, I believe). If you can get ahold of the newsletter you may wish to read it. If you cannot find it, send me a private mail and I can see if the nurses here can fax it to you if you are interested.

In that instance the wife regretted making the decision during such an emotional time, as opposed to waiting - even though they may have made the same decision.

I don't think you should see yourself as being selfish. You and your DH have been through a lot and making big decisions while still in the midst of those emotions could lead you to second guess yourselves later. I don't mean to sound like an advocate for either outcome, just to point out the perspective conveyed in the article I read. Even if you waited you may make the same decision, but you may feel more confident about it later.

Michelle
Cooper Santiago (Baby Boy A) & Carson Javier (Baby Boy B) - 30wks/4d
Baby Boy C - our beloved angel 18wks/5days

http://lilypie.com>

Kelly,

I am in exactly your boat. When I came home on my dh's b'day with the news of triplets (spontaneous - very difficult weekend) we soon adapted to having 4 children (what I'd always dreamed of). In fact, that day after I showed dh the u/s he said, "well, can we be done then?" and I said, "let's just get them here".

Like you, we lost one of our babes in utero at 26w. My world crumbled as I became completely focused on my surviving babies.

I have wanted to have one more since the moment they were born (or came home at least).

I had a singleton before my triplet pregnancy and would really love to be pregnant again, nurse again etc.

Like you said, though, I have trepidation about the thought of another set of multiples or risking another loss. I feel so lucky to have been able to bring my two babies home.

My husband cannot comprehend or consider another pregnancy. The triplet pregnancy and loss of Brendan about destroyed his nerves. I know that he could handle another baby but he doesn't know that and isn't up to it.

I don't think it's a matter of being satisfied with what God has given you. This is an ongoing issue for those of us with a loss. It's not that we want to fill the hole with another child but we want the opportunity for an "uneventful" pregnanacy and a completely joyful birth as well as having another baby at home.

Now that the boys are 3 I seriously doubt we'll have another one. I don't really want a 4 year gap (we have 4 1/2 yrs btw the boys and my older dd). They are starting activities and preschool looms and the expenses are almost overwhelming. I realize that had Brendan lived we would have those expenses x3 instead of x2 but I still worry about finances - this may be my way of reconciling that we won't be having anymore.

Yet, dh doesn't want to consider a vs yet nor would he want me to get my tubes tied. We are older than you and your dh thought.

To butt in where I don't belong, unless you both are comfortable with him having a vs i wouldn't go there yet. If you are comfortable on the pill I'd go that route for now bc who knows where you will both be in a couple/few years. No reason to make such a big decision when your loss is so recent and the pain is so raw.

I don't know if this helps at all but keep in mind that your dh is still grieving and men grieve so differently. His feeling that you are "done" may be directly related to the fact he can't fathom going through what you have gone through, again. not that that would happen but if you don't get pregnant you don't risk it, kwim?

(((((hugs))))) you are not alone.

Marie

Marie

Whether or not you either would consider another pregnancy in the future, I would encourage you to wait until the time is not so tender to make a decision on something so final. Even if you both think you know you don't want another pregnancy, so much has happened to your family in the past few months. It probably just isn't the best time to make ANY decisions that are so permanent. Give your body a chance to heal, your family time to adjust to the new babies, and both your emotions and dh's time to process everything you've been through. Maybe your decision will still be the same in a year or two, and if so, that's fine. But at least you will both be confident about it, and have no regrets. Regret is a hard thing to live with.

Good luck in whatever you and dh decide, and I second what Marie said - make sure you are BOTH comfortable with the final decision and timing of it all.

Anne

Kelly:

This is too extreme a decision, and too closely related to everything you've been through, for you to be doing this at this time. It is the kind of decision that can later come back to haunt couples since I hear you saying that you are not ready for this decision, and dh is simply going ahead and forcing his logic off on you. This can backfire and severely damage your marriage -- and, it's not worth this. Delaying the decision until both parties are in full agreement is very important with this life-altering decision.

Having children is not purely a logical decision. If it were, there would be a shortage of them on this earth. It is a heart decision and both of you have suffered badly wounded hearts recently.

Until the first anniversary of my loss (the babies' birth date), I remained severely wounded. I still hurt a lot, but it's gotten so much better now. Guess what? I'm getting ready to try to go back after my remaining frozen embryos and have another baby. My heart longs for the one that I lost, and two just doesn't seem enough.

You may come to a completely different conclusion. Your baby boy may be just fine and healthy and strong, and your dh may regret the fact that he's made this decision in a couple of years.

You mentioned the infertility issues, and it seems to me that if you had to struggle to get pregnant, then you already have your answer. Leave things the way they are; you take birth control pills or use some other form of birth control; and, if you get pregnant, then you will definitely know that you've simply been blessed. And, after a year or two, or even three, if you both come to the decision that you are finished having children, go with dh and hold his hand while he has the surgery.

Good luck to you.

Fondly,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

Caeleigh and Caidan are on the move!! My triplets are
http://lilypie.com>

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

POh, gosh it's so hard to put your feelings into words and be concise. I just realized how long and disorganized this is, but I'm not going to delete 30 minutes of my mind gushing thoughts.

I agree with what others have said. All the grief literature tells you to wait at least 1 year before making major life decisions and this is very good advice. You are not only grieving the loss of Eastyn, but the loss of the "tripletness" that you anticipated, as well as your fears for Rylan's long term prognosis. Each of those things is a lot for anyone to handle alone, let alone compounded. And although you are right in the middle of caring for newborns and the grief is there in the background more than you know. I would take some time before making such a permanent decision.

I got pg with quads about 8 months after my Danny passed away. He was born with many birth defects and had a rough start, but we had hopes that he would eventually be just like all the other little boys in kindergarten. We also lost our son, the "twinness", the healthy child, all those dreams and fantasies that you create in your heart.

Surprisingly, it was my DH who wanted to try again. We had an agreement that we would have 1 child (his very strong idea), although I wanted 2. After becoming pg with twins, I did the nyah nyah dance to him a lot. We thought our family was complete. But we both wanted our survivor to grow up with A sibling.

I got pg with quads on the first cycle. But during the time I was taking injections I realized that it was too hard. I told DH that I just couldn't go through anymore cycles (although we agreed on 6). When I got pg and thought it was triplets I was excited, afraid, well, you know all the emotions. AFter the initial shock, we were ready for it, but I also didn't ever want to be pg again, no matter what the outcome. (I would have felt this way with a singleton, too.)I even told my OB, before he found #4, that if he had to go inside me no matter what the outcome, he was to tie my tubes. I just couldn't take it again, and I absolutely loved being pregnant and having those lives inside me. But the other side to that was that it was the greatest fear I had ever know, aside from the helicopter ride to the ER the day Danny died.

I was blessed with healthy quadruplets and a very uncomplicated pregnancy. I had the TL during the csection, and I really do have my hands full right now with my 5 living children, but if by some miracle I were to become pg again, I would love it. Oh, I'd be so scared, but I'd really know it was meant to be. Of course our family will never be complete and I'm still trying to figure out why God would give me such a gift and take it away. You will never really know the capacity for love that is in your heart.

I just want to share one more thing. I have a friend whose 17 year old was born at 32w. She got pg on her honeymoon so they have never really known a married life without children. Their DD had apnea for 9 months and my friend was a very overprotective mother (still is to her DD and my kids). I think she had a pretty typical preemie course, but for them it was devastating (and neonatal medicine has advanced so much in the last 17 years). Her husband was so freaked by the whole thing that he never wanted to have another child. I know that he cannot fathom WHY DH and I tried again (purposefully and with medical assistance). He later scheduled his vasectomy on his own, without consulting my friend (his wife). She resents that he did this, even though it was about 9 years later. She still longed for a typical preganancy and a healthy baby, and he just couldn't face the thought of going through that again. I should also mention that he is a very logical person, but so is my DH. The difference is that after our experience, my DH realized that the decision to have a child has nothing to do with logic.

Well, this has gotten way too long, but I wanted to share some of my story so you can get an idea of what it is like to be pg after loss and to see that all men are not created equal. I would have been happy with what God gave me the first time around if it had just been one healthy baby. Afterall, that is all we really wanted when we saw the RE the first time. But when you are given something (a baby to love) and it's taken from you, it changes everything. It took the loss of our son for my DH to realize that he had more capacity to love and needed to give it to another child. (knowing that it would never replace his love for Danny). I jsut didn't realize how much capacity I had. Yes, I was happy that I "still" had my survivor (and I'm the only one allowed to say that), but there was such a hole in my heart.

If you want to talk more, please email me privately. Maybe I can clarify if my message was nonsensical (is that a word??).

MonsterMom6
10 year old ^b^ b twins @ 30w5d (1 survivor) and
8 year old gggg quads @ 32w0d

Thanks so much for everyone's input. Dh scheduled his consultation today....He is determined to do this. But I would like to go with him and explain to the dr what we've been through and see if he would even go forword with the surgery on dh.

You know, I will NEVER go through fertility treatments ever again. When we started planning for our family, dh only wanted 2 kids, I of course coming from a family of 7 kids wanted a housefull. I can remember in my 16th week of my pregnancy, Eastyn was already a worry, we though maybe TTTS. But he was a baby to me, he had a name, he had a place in my belly and in my heart. Dh and I cried and cried over the thought and fear of loosing him. Dh told me, "when you are told you are having 10, you want all 10". It amazed me with his openness of having 4 children after only wanting 2. Well when we did loose Eastyn, I told him that I was done, maybe I should have my tubes tied, and he told me no, and not to do anything that we may regret. He also told me that we would never do fertility again, but he wanted to go home, start our lives with our surviving babies, and be able to have bedroom time without charts, temperatures, you know, sex on demand. He told me that we would wait a year or two and just see what was to happen. At the time of saying this, we also feared loosing Rylan.

He has always talked about a vascectomy, but we wanted to wait until the birth and make sure everything was ok with the baby...now babies. We haven't even had Rylan's MRI done yet, and he is going full force with this. I know in my heart Rylan will not leave us too, but thinking with your heart and your brain is quite different. I mean, what if, God forbid, we loose Rylan? I may very well really never want to have any more children (heartache). I don't know, it's just too soon.

Again, I understand his reasoning for this, but my heart is not accepting of it. My emotions for my loss is so raw right now, I can't even explain it, but I know all of you can definately understand it. I know he is scared of tempting fait again, and loosing even more than a child, but loosing me, the mommy to his other children.

I'm sorry this is so long. Thank you all for your input and being an ear. I am not saying that I don't want him to do it because I want more babies (but I would welcome it), it's just taking it away from me. The dust hasn't settled on everything we've been through, and I just feel as though it is one more thing that is taken away from me. You know, kinda like we all have a shirt in the back of our closet that we haven't worn in a very long time, but just can't throw it away because we have the security of knowing it is there when we want it.

Kelly

DS~7years
triplets~2years
January 25, 2005 at 33.4 weeks
DS,DD, and ^i^DS

Kelly,

Is there any way that you'd be willing to print your post and these responses for him to read or would he be angry about you posting this here?

It isn't logical to be so directed about something like this unless (for him) his heart and emotions are the driving force, rather than his head.

Are you willing to go on some form of birth control? Would he be open to that, at least for a prescribed period of time - say for a year or so at which time you agree to revisit the topic?

I don't know, I feel for you and hope that he might be willing to listen to your needs as you are listening to his.

Marie

Marie

Marie, I did tell Jason that I would go on the pill. I am more than willing to do that. I know one reason he wants to have the surgery this year is because we've met all our deductibles with having the babies, so it won't cost us any money. However, it is still February, he has the rest of the year to do this. I am really surprised that he wants to do it so quickly!

I have thought about letting him read this and get the input of others who've lost a child. I don't know if he would or would not read this. As far as him getting "mad" at me, I don't think that he would, and if he did, OH WELL! This does involve me too.

I don't know if this is in other states, but here, in Louisiana, the wife has to sign consent for the husband to have this done. I don't want to defy him at all, but just as I would have to be certain about having an TL, I feel I need to be certain for his VS.

I know it will be nearly impossible to "change his mind" on this:'(

Kelly

DS~7years
triplets~2years
January 25, 2005 at 33.4 weeks
DS,DD, and ^i^DS

I tried to talk to DH again tonight. His mind is made up. He says that he doesn't want any more children, and can not afford any more children, so he doesn't see the reason in not having it done. I asked him if he ever made a decision that he felt was the right one, then regretted it later??? He said yes, but doesn't see my point of it. He did get angry with me on not feeling the same way he felt. I told him not to worry, that I would sign the damn papers, but it was only for him, not for me.

I tried to get him to wait, that I would willingly get on BC, and lets wait a year and then talk about it, that didn't work either. He didn't see the point in waiting a year, because he would feel the same way then as now.

He is just the kind of person that makes a decison and goes with it. He decided that he wanted a boat one day, then the next day we had one. When we were dating for 3 months, my mom said that I couldn't sleep at his house anymore, so he said, "lets get married," and we did 3 weeks later. He is a spur of the moment kind of person. He gets an idea and runs with it.

So sadly, and with deep regret, I feel I will never have anymore children. I guess I was so excited with being the mother of 4 children. God took one from me, I kinda hoped he would give me another.

Kelly

DS~7years
triplets~2years
January 25, 2005 at 33.4 weeks
DS,DD, and ^i^DS

(((((Hugs Kelly)))))

I know, I too really believed that we'd have one more too. Don't feel guilty about any sadness associated with that, it doesn't mean that you don't appreciate the children you have with you.

I'm so sorry that he's unwilling to meet you halfway and wait a bit.

Marie

Marie

"So sadly, and with deep regret, I feel I will never have anymore children. I guess I was so excited with being the mother of 4 children. God took one from me, I kinda hoped he would give me another."


I feel the same. I never imagined having 5. One was taken away, and I wil lforever hope that I will get another 5th. Not a replacement. Just another.

I hope you both come to a decision together on this. Do explain to his doc what has happened in the last year. Let his doc weigh the consequences of the procedure.

We can't afford any more kids, either, but we would if we found out one was on the way, you know?

I'm so sorry. I hope he begins to understand that it is your decision also.

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks

Kelly:

There's something here that I don't understand. By law, Louisiana says that a couple must agree upon this drastic type of surgery as it impacts both of the parties.

Duh.

So, why would you agree to be pushed into signing papers? It seems to me that you need to tell your husband that this decision is making you absolutely miserable and that you will sign the papers ONLY after the two of you have undergone some counseling.

He may be very angry that you are not honoring his "spur of the moment" decision, but that would be preferable to you being angry at this decision for the next 35 years.

Yes, you can have him cryo-freeze sperm -- but that is costly to retain. I still vote for figuring this out together as a couple, respecting the feelings of both parties. It will be much healthier in the long run, and bodes much better for your marital happiness together...

'Just a thought...

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

Caeleigh and Caidan are on the move!! My triplets are
http://lilypie.com>

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

Kelly --
I think your DH may feel that with a vascectomy he's in control of whether or not there are future children. I am wondering if he might be willing to consider freezing sperm prior to the operation. He can have it frozen under his directions -- that he is the only person who can dictate when/if it is to be used ... but that way -- should he EVER change his mind -- there is still an option without trying a reversal and without trying to find a donor.

It perhaps isn't the best solution but it might be something that provides a middle ground between what I assume is his fear of uncertainty and your fear of finality.

I do hope that whatever happens it's something that you can both agree with or come to peace with as this just seems too important to a relationship for one person to take it on his/her own.

^West Rogers^, ^Keaton Edward^, ^Rebecca Joy^ 1/6/04



Missing their sister ^Maria Jose^ 4/7/04-5/10/04

Steff, that is a wonderful idea! I never even thought of that!

And, I didn't realize that you had your son! A million congratulations to you and your husband! I am in tears, and so happy for you that he is here!

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks