We lost our baby C sometime between 8 and 12 weeks...no one except my dh even knows that there were three. I was so afraid of losing the whole pregnancy that I waited until I was already 4 months along to tell the family. I never talk about the baby C...my husband seems to have forgotten entirely. I had pushed it out of my mind as much as possible just to get through the rest of the pregnancy...but I have been suffering silently with this for months. I don't even know if I should be here..as I never saw a face, don't know if it was a boy or a girl..never had a funeral...but I feel so so sad sometimes when I look at my boys...I have a big one and little one(almost 3 pounds difference now) and I wonder if I should've had one inbetween...you know, silly things like that. I have dreams about it at least a few times every week....that there are three boys, or two boys and a girl..or I'm still pregnant with the other one..that the doctors just missed him is all. I know I sound completely off my rocker -- but dreams can be pretty insane, and I know this isn't reality! Just wondering if there is anyone that can relate -- having lost a baby way before "viability"...thanks for hearing.

--Amanda

10/07/05
Malachi and Asher
2#2oz and 2#12oz
29w 4d

http://lilypie.com>

Amanda --
When you conceive three, you are a mother of three. When you are told three -- go through the shock and awe, plan and prepare for and open your heart to three, accept and invite those three with joy -- you are the mother of three.

When you have multiples and see three so early on ... they are yours and they have your heart. Even mothers who lose babies they never knew they were expecting feel loss. You never have to feel ashamed or unqualified or unjustified in feeling loss.

Our loss was such an unexpected blow and almost took my life as well ... I was never able to hold my babies, bury my babies, even take pictures of my babies. It doesn't mean they weren't there, it doesn't mean I don't love them, and it doesn't mean I'm not their mother.

I understand more today than near the day of our loss when you consider whether the doctors missed the other baby. Even now I still talk about them while holding their individual spots on my belly.

I am sorry for the loss of your baby. My best thoughts to you, Malachi and Asher and your family.

^West Rogers^, ^Keaton Edward^, ^Rebecca Joy^ 1/6/04



Missing their sister ^Maria Jose^ 4/7/04-5/10/04

I had seen your posts. I was wondering. I'm glad you finally did share your story.

I held my son. I buried my son. He squeezed my finger. I named him, talked to him, kissed him and looked into his brown eyes. That doesn't mean he was any more real than your angel.

Ask any mother who has suffered a miscarriage early on if she thinks about her baby. If she misses him/her and if she loved him/her.

Of course she did, and that baby was real. Grief has to come, delayed or not.

When a mother finds out there is a baby growing inside her she loves that baby from that instant on. We make plans, we think of names, like Steff said, we remember the spot they sat. A fathers loss is different, your DH may well still think of the baby, but the pregnancy is less real for the husband than it is for the us. To men the pregnancy usually becomes "real" when they see and hold a baby.

If you told him how much it is bothering you, would he be open to listening to you about it? He may be more supportive than you think.

Many hugs to you. I'm glad you found the strength to share here, there is a lot of support here with everyone.

Erika

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks

i VERY seldom post here, even though i have lost a baby it was not part of my trio, so i dont feel like i belong to this board, who knows maybe i am wrong, i just do not want to intrude on anyone here.

I have to say my 1st pregnancy i m/c at only 6 weeks.
I only knew I was pregnant for about 3 days or so. I was overjoyed, and the 1st thing me and dh started talking about was what type of strollers etc.. and really we started loving this baby the second we found ut. I stopped feeling sick to my stomach a few days later. i went in to get another beta done. everyone there knew me and kept saying, oh dont worry. i told them i felt weird/different and wasnt so sick, didnt need my saltines. i KNEW something was wrong.
well the next day i gopt a call in the morning (my dh was out of town this whole time). The nurse said, Hi, yor beta came back at this number. YOU WILL START TO BLEED, YOU WILL GET A PERIOD. that was the end of that. i hung up and went to the bathroom and threw up and also fell on the floor screaming and crying. then of course had to use the bathroom only to find that i started to bleed right then. i once again curled on the floor in so much pain crying.

for some reason my mother called to say hello (nobody knew i was preg.) she knew somethig was wrong. i told her i was okay and would call her later and tell her, that i couldnt talk, i could barely breath at that point. she made me, she was so afraid something like me dieing or something was happening. i told her i was preg. and was m/c, she said she was coming, i begged her not to and told her i needed to be alone. next thing i know she was there. i was on the couch in the fetal position, i was having contractions! i didnt know at the time that was what they wer, even though you could actually time them.

to make this longer story a tad bit shorter, lol.....

i decided i needed to go to my dh (he was not allowed to come home to be with me). i called my dr. she made me come in to get checked and make sure i was ok to fly and go out of town. i got on the phone and got a plane for the next day. it was horrible. and a few days later we tried to celebrate our anniversary.

That was 5 years ago. i still feel tremendous pain tpday. i did get preg. 6 months later with my dd, but still i always think of the what ifs.
i always wander if the baby was a boy or girl? i always think of the birth month i would have had the baby on, i have a ring with the birth month. i also bought a hybiscus (sp) tree and it blooms all year round and it always make me think of my baby. i also named my baby a unisex name sine we did not know the sex.

i guess what i am saying is that i was only 6 weeks pregnant, and i never had an u/s , i saw my baby, i never touched my baby. a lot of people never even knew about my baby and I still hurt for this baby.

you are completly sane, you hurt and it is ok, it is good to hurt. time does make it get better but there will always be pain.
i think your sit. is much harder then mine was, because you have 2 babies to look at growing and wandr about the 3rd, you knwo that baby should have been there. it is much more visual then mine was.is. although i look at my dd all the time and think about how that baby would have been 6 months older (but then again i wouldnt have had my dd).

anyways i didnt mean to make this so long winded.
i dont want you to think i am trying to make this about me.
i just thought if i shared with you my story (which i never share it for some reason) thtat maybe you would see that no matter how old/young your child is when he/she passes it hurts and it hurts REALLY bad.
i had lots of dreams also, thank goodness i dont anymore.
if you need to pm or email me
sorry again it was so long.

I feel the same way as you in october of 2000 I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. we were so excited. we had tried for so long. I found out in early november that it was an ectopic pregnancy and I would have to tell the doctors it was ok to get rid of my baby. I finally got where I could have the procedure done. I was told if I didn't it could kill me. and I could not take that chance with my boys at home. so on nov. 22 2000. my baby was gone. I since have done invitro and have 3 great 2 yr olds but I could have had a son or daughter to play with them that would have been 2 years older than them. It still hurts. and I do not know why it had to happen to me.
shawna
son 1992,7lb 3oz
son 1994,9lb 3oz
daughter 2003,2lb 15oz
son 2003, 4lb 2oz
son 2003, 3 lb 13 oz
33 wks 3 days

Like BrookeFL, I dont post on this board for much the same reason, but I was taken with what you said... I very happily gave birth to triplets 14 months ago, but I am the mother of quads! Most people don't know about the 4th baby because I lost it around the 8th week and feared that I would lose all my babies one by one again (2 years of miscarriages and I was told that I would most likely lose BabyA as well, but she hung in there)...Those that do know about the baby say that it was for the best...when I lost him (I have no idea the sex but my heart always calls him a him) I didn't have time to grieve because I was sooo overwhelmed. It is only now that I grieve for him...My loss is nothing compared to that the others are suffering, but I wanted you to know you are not "off your rocker", that what you are feeling is normal...you are a mom to triplets as I am a mom to quads (plus all the other babies that I have lost over the years, in heaven I will meet all my angels.

Sheri
Mommy to ggg
Born 11/26/2004 @ 32 weeks 5 days

I know exactly how you feel, as I lost two between 7-10 weeks, as well. For a while only my husband and mother knew. After a while I opened up to a few people and here just for the support.

It does get easier, at least it did for me, although I still have moments. The hardest times are when they hit milestones, when birthdays come and go, and then just days when I can just imagine all four and what life would be like and when I see or hear about quadruplets being born.

(((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))

It is still a loss and you are still a triplet mom. You definitely have a right to grieve and feel sadness.

My husband doesn't understand much of my grief. He just says it was God's will and he can't imagine how we would have handled life with all four, especially with a toddler at home. It is hard when your own husband makes the same comments that strangers make and you can't understand why he doesn't feel the grief you do or doesn't miss them. I guess it is part of being a mom. And men just grieve differently. He may have just pushed them to the back of his mind, but not out of his heart.

Michelle

Mom to three beautiful girls and a precious baby boy!

http://www.shaklee.net/healthyhomematters

Hi Amanda

I will also share my story with everyone. I also lost one of my triplets at 14 wks it was baby c (a boy) also. It just happened monday early am on feb 27,2006 and i will never forget that moment or day it will stay in my heart forever. I also have identical twins, and boy am i scared, everytime i go to the bathroom it just frightens me to death, all these thoughts start going thru my mind like will i loose these also ? will i carry these to term? what's going to happen to my babies? Im not sure how you feel about prayer but it really helps, there is only one person who knows the destiny of each of my babies and im actually ok with the loss of one of my babies and will never forget him cause he was a part of me and my family.

I just hope i can carry these twins to term and nothing happens to them.

my prayers are with you and your family
Erica

Amanda, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of baby C. As we like to say a lot here "A loss is a loss no matter when it happened, the end result is still the same". You totally belong here and you are the mother of triplets. Maybe you should try to be open with your friends and family about your feelings. If you feel comfortable enough maybe you and your husband should name the baby to make it more real. Everyone does things a little bit different but we all do what makes us comfortable. Please don't worry about what others think. They did not lose a triplet and can should not judge you.

Anyway, I just wanted to welcome you to this board. It is a safe place to come and share your feelings. I would also encourage you to join eLIMBO and CLIMB.

Any questions, please let me know.

Much Love,

Engrid
Jackson 4# 2oz
Ruark 3# 11oz
Ethan 2# 15oz our angel in heaven
All born on 12/23/02

Liam Ethan 8# 7oz born on 5/11/05

I feel for you as well - having 3 previouls miscarraiges the last one being the Quad to my triplets. I think of this baby often - as well as the others but lately moslty the quad - thiking of all the kids playing otgehter, and giggling. Makes me sad.... there isnt a day that goes by that i dont think of my angels.....

Kelli and my GEM's - age 5 years old

Oh Sweetie,

You aren't being 'silly' and you don't 'sound off your rocker.' You belong here as much as anyone else in this forum.

For anyone who has loved their children, it doesn't matter at what point you or that child were. It is a loss and one that must be grieved. Though you will find that not everyone will understand, from friends to family to strangers, it doesn't matter. This child was your child and you have lost something you cannot replace.

Prior to my trio, I miscarried 3 babies. They were all loved by me and my husband, and we have named them all and grieved for each one. Though I am not sure if I have noted it on the forum on or not in the past, my trio were quads. We lost one baby at 11 weeks. It was difficult, but at the time I tried to focus on the three remaining babies and getting them here knowing there would be a time when I would have to deal with the loss of a child.

My trio will be 2 on May 3. Throughout the months I have often wondered if our lost baby would have been a twin to one of the other babies, what she would've looked like, what kind of personality she would've had, and on and on....My husband and I often have felt the 4th baby gave her life to save the others. We are almost certain I would not have made it as far in the pregnancy as I did if I had carried 4 instead of 3. I have often been somewhat comforted by the thought that this child so loved her siblings that she gave up her life for them. What a beautiful soul she must have. We try to be comforted by thoughts of 4 angels looking down on us and watching us from Heaven.

Occasionally, I see pics of quads or listen to the quad moms, or see a quad stroller and I wonder what if.... I've had dreams of a different life that included those babies, and weird dreams you can't explain. It's just your mind's way of bringing out little pieces of your grief.

My husband and I have only recently found ourselves allowing the grief to come forward. We take each day as it comes. From my previous losses, I know that you never forget that child and at different times in your life you think about how old they would be and what they would be doing.

The pain does not disappear, but you learn each day how to deal with little pieces of it. It takes time. The hardest times for me often revolve around my arms aching to hold a child whose face I've never seen or whose scent I've never inhaled or skin I was not blessed to touch. I catch myself counting the kids off going to the car or going to bed, and find I am still looking for someone even three have already been counted.

I am so sorry for your loss and am so sorry you are experiencing this. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you find some peace and comfort.

Melissa

I know this was posted a long time ago.... but I really felt impressed to include more information. I guess I was being ambiguous out of fear of being ridiculed.... thing is, I never had three heartbeats confirmed like all of you all... I just "knew" it... and I had a lot of first trimester bleeding and was afraid I was losing the whole pregnancy. I didn't even tell my ex husband until long after...but my wish was that the placenta be examined/tested etc to confirm what I truly felt I knew.

Since my c-section was done when the kids were so premature and it was due to PROM etc...they just whisked my placenta away and that was it...so I will never have that concrete proof... the dreams still come and go ... about the triplets.

I'm not some crazy person obsessed with multiples(or I didn't start out that way at any rate...)....the pregnancy was actually entirely unplanned and beforehand, I wasn't sure I was *ever* going to have a baby...much less babies.... I guess it just goes to show that God is smarter than we are...and He's got everything under control even if we don't always understand what is going on.

I empathize with each of your losses so much.... although I cannot confirm with scientific evidence, the loss of one of my babies... a cousin of mine, a sweet little girl, died of SIDS when she was just 7 months old. So although I have seen the suffering and suffered in my own way, I still have to say that you all have undoubtedly suffered more than I in this regard. I'm sorry if my original post came off as deceptive in any way... I was going through severe PPD and really only looking for support... I couldn't bear to even read the responses and actually didn't until well over a full year later...

but thank-you all for your messages of support, I really appreciate it all.

sincerely,

Amanda

I was also pg with Triplets in Summer of 1999. Had the Ultrasound done and it was Father's Day Weekend, when I showed my husband. Had another Ultrasound at 16wks and it only showed 2. I argued with them and they checked everywhere on me and finally said "I'm sorry, but we are only showing twins" Somewhere between 10wks & 16wks, our little one was no longer there.

We were blessed with twins but lost one the day after he was born. When people ask or we start talking about pg's I let them know that my son was a triplet.


Em
4EverMySons

Andy.......11-17-1997
Ant..........11-5-1999
Mikes.......4-5-2003

My "Angel" above Dom.....11*5*1999 ~ 11*6*1999

I know how you feel. We lost our baby d around the same time. At 12 weeks I had a lot of bleeding and the u/s showed an empty sac. We never knew there was a 4th baby until we lost him/her. My baby C was small the whole pg. Smaller than the others from the first u/s. I wonder if the one we lost was an identical. My husband doesn't mention it and I don't talk to anyone about it but I think about it a lot. I lost two other pregnancys early too. I feel differently about this baby D because I see the product of that pregnancy and I wonder. I am blessed to have the children that I do and feel selfish to feel bad about my lost little one I never got to see. Just wanted to say that I understand how you feel and thanks for posting because it's bothered me for a long time and I could never seem to say anything about it.

Peggy
mom to
Tricia 19
Lyndsay 18
Sydney 12
Millie 10 and
Robert, Julian and Max 9/2/03 @ 36wks
http://lilypie.com>

Hi Amanda,

You are not "off your rocker." It's a strange limbo and I don't have any answers for you. I can tell you that my own experience is similar to yours. We had three, we know that Baby C is a boy because I had an amnio. We don't know why he did not live past the 13-15 or so weeks he was growing along side his brothers. I have one boy with straight, brown hair and hazel eyes like his Daddy's, and is 10 lbs. heavier than his brother, who has curly blonde hair and beautiful green eyes....what on earth would their brother look like, I wonder.

DH and I don't talk about Baby C. No other family members mention him to me - either they don't remember or they figure it's best left alone, or probably there is a mix among the group.

You are welcomed here. This is a place to acknowledge your lost little baby. No one can or should tell you that you need to be over things. It is up to you to find peace in your heart, and this is a good place to help with that.


http://lilypie.com>

(((big hugs!)))

No one knows this, but we were told that we lost one of our babies at 12 weeks. I never even knew about her, and I still look at Addie and think of her twin that I lost. (I was pregnant with quads, but lost Addie's identical twin) NO one knows.

I also lost my oldest daughters twin at 13 weeks, and I grieve that loss a LOT, because I was pretty attached to the twin pregnancy.

On top of that I have had 5 other miscarriages. IT'S HARD, and people don't understand. They wonder how you can love a baby that is not born and you should "get over it"....but it's very difficult.

Christa
Mommy of:
Reagan, "Queen Bee"
Ethan, "Mr. Cuddles"
Delaney, "Da Boss"
Addison, "Sweet Pea"
Joel, "Super Sillies"