Sorry, I know I sound pathetic, but when are these waves of pain and grief going to stop washing over me without any warning? The nights are still so hard sometimes...not every night anymore, but sometimes I'm as raw as the day I found out my daughter had died. I have enjoyed TC a lot this past year, but all of a sudden, I can't even read the forums without being overwhelmed by the fact the my trio is incomplete. I cry when I see my daughters toddling around, trying to perfect their new skill of walking, because Karina should be there learning to walk right along with them.

Will I still be crying when they get married, because their sister isn't there to be a bridesmaid for them????

Ughh, sorry, I'm just having a bad night I guess. Thanks for letting me whine.

Anne

I cried on the first day of preschool for my surviving twin son. I wasn't expecting it. I thought I would on his first day of K, but I never idealized going to preschool like I have K and the first day of "big" school. I think all those milestones that you dreamed about will be difficult as your children grow. I think it was harder the first year, as he had so many accomplishments.

MonsterMom6
10 year old ^b^ b twins @ 30w5d (1 survivor) and
8 year old gggg quads @ 32w0d

Anne,

I read your post this morning and have been thinking about my grieving process ever since. I am a bit behind you - it has been 7 months and a few days since we lost our girls.

I often think I am whining too. It seems the whole world has moved and I still have this horrible pain. But, I tell myself I am not whining . . . I am grieving and I will be, to a degree, the rest of my life. I have been reading novels voraciously since I was in the hospital . . . I have been drawn to the ones about trauma (almost all of them!). One in particular, Sacred Time by Ursula Hegi, was (in part) about a mother who lost her child and she was still missing her child when she died 50+ years later. That book gave me the permission to stop battling the grief . . . to accept it and not chastizing myself for any of it.

Early on, my therapist and a minister told me that grief is like a spiral - it comes and goes. When I think of that, it helps me to get through the really rough times because I know it won't stay. I also try to feel whatever I am feeling and not push it away. The more I try to avoid it, the longer it stays.

Sleeping has been awful for me. I took Ambien for months. I have developed a bed time ritual - you may want to think about drinking chamomile tea, reading, doing breathing exercises, or performing some sort of ritual to honor your daughter.

The past few weeks I have been lighting candles all over the house during dinner. I realize that ritual brings the girls into our everyday lives, into a time of the day that our family holds sacred. The more I incorporate them into my everyday life, the more at peace I am. I do things others would never notice - I hang pictures in threes, arrange candles in threes. This fall my husband, son and I went on a hike and we came across all of these acorns that were sprouting but had not taken root. I thought they were a great metaphor for my girls and what happened to my girls, so I scooped up a few and put them in a small shadow box in our living room.

I try to notice the amazing things that nature does. I have hated and despised nature for taking away my girls. But, then I see the amazing things like acorns or a drift of florescent red leaves or seashells and I feel a little more peaceful.

But, whatever you do is okay! Give yourself that permission! If you are crying when they get married it is okay - you are doing it because you love and miss your daughter.

Sorry this was so long. This post really hit home with me.

Take care.

Anne,
Feel free to whine all you need. I am still going through the "punch in the stomach" fase. We all do. My grandmother, at 90 years old lost 2 pregnancies before concieving my father, and she sits and crys with me. Honey, I know you don't want to hear this, just as much as I didn't, or any of us for that matter. It never stops, it never "goes away", I used to say it does get better, and right now I wish I could take my own advise. Lately, I've been feeling much much worse. Allen's birthday is juswt over a week away, and lots of other yucky stuff is going on, and this is one of those times where, I'll probably be posting my own "whine" very soon. The fact is, it hurts, and there are times where it will feel as raw as the day it happened, but there are also gonna be days where you will look at your children, and smile, knowing that your little Karina is looking down at them, smiling with you. Take care.
Faye
bbb@23 wks 1/23/04
Jesse James ^i^ 2/12/04
Wyatt James ^i^ 1/24/04
Allen James I'm gowing so fast!

Hi Anne,

I am so very sorry for your loss. You do not sound pathetic - what you describe sounds to me like part of the natural grieving process. I cried every night for at least a year after my ds passed away. As time passed, the crying eased up and the intense pain lessened. I still feel pain and sadness on my ds birthday and the anniversary of his death but it is not with the same intensity as the first year.

Will you cry for your missing dd at her sister's wedding? Probably so. I have been acutely aware of the loss of my ds at different milestones in my dds lives. I have come to accept that this loss is now a part of me and I try and use that experience to be a better person. I am so thankful for my family and my life today. I am confident that in time you too will be where I am.

Take care of yourself,

Nettie

Mom to g/g/g age 6
and 10 yr old big sister
and angel big brother

It's still so hard. I think it's hardest at night when you're trying to sleep, but it's quiet and your mind is racing. I find myself doing most of my thinking about how much I miss my babies when I'm in the shower or at night, and just about every time I look at my little boy. I thought I was doing better for a little while, but then it just starts all over again; the wishing, the what-ifs, and the whys, along with wondering what they would be like now. And sometimes it really is like a kick to the stomach, it hurts so bad. I often read the posts on the main forum and I probably shouldn't, but for some reason I like to see what I'm missing. It only makes it worse. Well, I know I am so lucky that Brandon is doing so well, but I miss his brother and sister so bad. I think we all need to whine every now and then.

--Cindy
Mother to 24 week triplets;
Brandon, 5 months,
^Ryan^ & ^Jessica^ (7/25/05-8/24/05),
Ashley, 2

I still cry in the shower and tub. I still cry myself to sleep at times. My DH told me last night that I also talk about death in my sleep. (Hmmmm, no wonder I hate going to sleep) I cry when Levi kisses Vivian or vice-versa. I cry when I rock my DS at times.

But I can talk to my angel when I want, and I wear a pin with his picture every day, (which Vivian now likes to kiss and asks if he's wearing a diaper!)I keep him close in my heart.

I can imagine the waterfalls for the big milestones; school, marriages, BABIES!!!

You're not whining, you're grieving. No one can tell ou that you're doing it wrong. Go ahead and cry, but also remember to immensly enjoy the wonderful times with your survivors!

-Erika

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks

Anne:

In grief counseling, we always tell folks that this kind of loss, if it is uncomplicated by other losses and issues, takes between 5 and 8 years to "get over." And, that doesn't mean that you don't still grieve sometimes. It simply means that the grief has been assimilated into your life. There are still times when elderly people will grieve the child that they lost.

You're being too tough on yourself. All of us here grieve the loss of our babies, and it is good to have others alongside of us to help in the process. Be gentle on yourself, Anne. I cry every time my babies leap another hurdle and I see my Carina right alongside them. It's really a normal way to feel, and, yes, I'll probably cry on Caeleigh's wedding day, too, thinking about my little baby Carina who would also be of marriage age.

Fondly,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://lilypie.com>[

Thank you all so much for your understanding. I hate that you can identify with my pain so well, yet it is comforting to hear your words of encouragement. What a crummy little club we belong to, huh? Yet I know there is purpose in everything God allows in our lives. It's just so hard when we don't understand the why's. But I guess that's what faith is all about.

I suppose I know deep down that I'll never "get over" my loss, but I long for the day when the pain isn't so raw, and doesn't catch me off guard so easily. I know it will come, with time, and good friends like all of you.

Take care,

Anne