As my husband and I cotemplate "trying again," I just wanted to share this vision of my babies that we lost, almost a year ago.

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The waves gently roll along the shore as the seagulls beckon to one another. Three children skip along the banks of the ocean hand in hand. From a distance, I can hear their laughter, their kinship and their freedom. I strain to glimpse their face as they look at one another side to side. They always remain just beyond the limitations of my clarity.

As a mother’s heart will, mine leaps out in pride with the unspoken affirmation “those are my children.” A cold shudder then grips me. I should know the details of their face, their bodies and their personalities. But, I don’t. Taken from us before this world measures viability at twenty-four weeks of pregnancy, their viability still slaps me at times and arouses me from my mundane slumber. They come back, reassuring me of their bond and their security.

I see them only at a distance. I long to run after them, but I know that I would be running the rest of my life if I started. Instead, I bide my time and wait for them to come to me in my dreams, the gentle musings that come with the stillness of my life. I recite their names aloud to myself to remind me of their realness, delighting in the regal and classic sound of each given name: Sarah Noel, Rachel Ayla and Noah Gabriel.

They say time heals all wounds. I doubt it will heal this wound. I miss them with every breath I draw and there is an emptiness that I frantically try to fill, to no avail. Their presence continues to expand my existence in untold ways and for that I remain grateful.
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Joy
Mom to ^Sarah^, ^Rachel^ & ^Noah^ (2-11-03)

Mom to ^Sarah^, ^Rachel^ & ^Noah^ (2-11-03)
also identical twins ^Ember^ and ^Emily^ (6-10-04)
Lost But Never Forgotten

Waiting on Gabriel Benjamin, due October 27,2005

Joy-

What a beautiful piece you wrote. It really moved me.

I hope that if you and your dh do try again that you have the most mundane pg ever, followed by the joys of laughter and love that a child brings.

Best of luck.

April
Mom to ^i^ Hannah, ^i^ Ryan and ^i^ Abby. My 3 little birds in Heaven.

Joey, born 5/8/05 (Mother's Day!)
Laura, born 5/26/07
^I^, ^i^

A butterfly lights beside us, like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment, It's glory and beauty belong to our world..

Joy-
That is so beautiful. While reading it I felt like you were also describing my three sweet babies. It really helped me to picture them like that. Thanks for sharing. All my best wishes to you as you contemplate trying again.
Audrey
mom to ^Julia^ ^Scott^ and ^Jeremiah^ 9/18/03

Joy,
Your post brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful tribute to your children. I thought about my own little son who will always be 18 months old forever in my memory. Sometimes I see a glimpse of his face in my other 4 children and it makes me both happy and sad. I hope you will be blessed with a successful pregnancy. I feel so blessed to have my 4 girls but I will always have a special place in my heart for the child I lost. God Bless.

Nettie

Mom to g/g/g age 4
and 8 yr old big sister

Nettie

Mom to g/g/g age 7
and 11 yr old big sister
and ^angel big brother^