Ladies. I haven't ever posted here because I didn't lose one of my triplets but I lost a son at 21 weeks and have had multiple miscarriages. If I shouldn't post here I will erase it but I am having a very hard time dealing with emotions since my hysterectomy. I keep having a recurring dream about delivering my son. It was a very tramatic experience as it was my first pregnancy and I was alone and very young. I never sought medical care during that pregnacy because I was so young and scared. I never mourned his loss at that time and now I keep playing it over and over again in my head.

Every since I got pregnant with Tori I have wanted seven children. Now that will never happen. I feel so empty and depressed knowing I will never grow life within me again. I will never see the face of my newborn child. I will never nurse a child of mine again.

What can I do to deal with these feelings inside? All I do is cry constantly. My DH thinks I need counseling because as wonderful as he is he just doesn't know how to help me cope. My best friend is pregnant right now with her fourth and I can't even be happy for her right now because I am so jealous she has something I will never have again.

God help me but it is tearing me apart. I feel responsible for the death of my son. I feel responsible for my trio being so early and all the problems they face. While Will was so sick everytime I looked at his I saw my first son. Now everytime I look at my children I think of all the children I have lost. This last pregnacy after the trio way my ninth pregnancy and I only have 4 living children. Abviously I am blessed because some people have lost all of their children. I couldn't even begin to imagine their pain and I don't write this to hurt them.

I hope you ladies can help me. Please forgive me if I shouldn't be posting here but I needed somewhere to go to get help. Thank you.


God bless
ashlee

http://lilypie.com>

http://lilypie.com>

Ashlee --

Loss is loss. Many mothers who have lost singletons and before or after their triplets post here. All losses are different, but they are all losses. They all throw out the order of life -- you are not supposed to outlive your children -- you are not supposed to go through months of carrying children to end up back at the beginning with only an urn or a headstone to show for it which places you even farther back.

Losing the ability to bare children is in itself a loss that needs to be grieved. It's only natural that as you grieve this phase of your life that it brings up feelings about the loss of your son. I surmise from reading your post that your husband may not be the father of the son you lost, and that may complicate matters even more as far as his understanding of the grief you are experiencing.

I whole-heartedly support therapy. In fact I will be returning to my therapist in a couple of weeks to deal with recent issues that are coming up.

My friend who was the last person to see me pregnant with triplets recently became pregnant with twins, and I couldn't deal with it and I couldn't impose my loss over her expectation, so I kept my distance. On Thursday she lost her babies at 22 weeks to TTTS, and I am devastated -- for her, for me, for them, for all of it.

Loss doesn't go away -- no matter the number of subsequent children, no matter the number of years. One thing can happen and every feeling of loss and pain and anger and guilt bursts through the dam we built in hopes of enjoying the family and life we have built.

You can't expect yourself to fend off this onslaught on your own -- you're one person (and a fairly busy person, at that). If you can carve time into your schedule, go see a therapist who "specializes" in grief.

Feelings connected to loss often make no logical sense, and you can feel like you are NOT justified to have any of those feelings. You need to give yourself permission to go through this. You are totally justified in your pain and your expression of it, and I for one welcome you to use the board as a sounding board to share your feelings.

My thoughts are with you.

Steff

^West Rogers^, ^Keaton Edward^, ^Rebecca Joy^ 1/6/04



Missing their sister ^Maria Jose^ 4/7/04-5/10/04

Thank you steff. My DH actually was the father but we were so young and I never told him about the pregnancy until a few years ago. I am going to see a pychiatist when we get back from SC. Your kind words meant so much to me during a really difficult time. Thank you for allowing me to come here and be supported.


God bless
ashlee

http://lilypie.com>

http://lilypie.com>

Ashlee,

You completely have the right to post here. I am still completely head over heels in mourning right now so I do not have much advice...sorry. I am still having quite a hard time reading on this website now because it is such a reminder that I dont have all 3 of mine with me. However, the March of Dimes website (www.shareyourstory.org) has been a really nice place to post because unfortunately there are so many mothers that have been through what we have. I think you will get many more replies there. I hope it gets better for you.

Rachel

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

Ashlee:

My heart goes out to you.

Losing the option of carrying a baby is a very traumatic loss. Your loss has been added onto the feelings of loss for your first baby, and the feelings of loss you had with respect to how ealry your triplet babies came and how Will has struggled. You have been through so much in the past two years alone that it would not be at all unusual for you to be tossed into what is known as "complicated grief." Complicated grief is where the person becomes overwhelmed by too many grief-invoking occurrences and becomes unable to move forward.

Frankly, it is still too soon to say that you are locked into this grief, but counseling with a person who has strong experience in grief counseling would be beneficial. A good place to seek such a person would be through Hospice -- if you call them, they should be able to provide you the name of a good grief counselor.

People who are bereaved through the loss of babies, whether they have lost their triplets or other babies, are welcome here. We make every effort to avoid all dissension and we also try to avoid bringing the fracas from the main board over here as that can be very hurtful and destructive. This is a place of solace and compassion. Certainly you are entitled to both.

I will pray for your peace and that your heart will be comforted. Another thought, Ashlee, is that God may have some other plans for you. I know that a number of ladies on this board, while still struggling with grief issues, have also found the children that their hearts longed for and have grown their families despite terrific obstacles. Please remember that when a door is closed, sometimes a window is opened.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that I, for one, welcome you here with open arms.

Fondly,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA