Maybe it is because I don't "fully" fit into this forum because I did not deliver four babies, but from my personal perspective I respectively disagree. I am in a position that I have never found, and doubt I will every find, a woman in the "same" situation as I am...infertility, followed by a quadruplet pregnancy with two lost at 10.5 weeks, a negative diagnosis, a very difficult pregnancy and one healthy child. So I belong to several different forums...an infertility forum, a anencephaly forum, a twins forum, and this forum. From each forum I glean certain support that I found helpful. Interestingly, the only closed forum that I belong to is the anencephaly forum, and I actually spend the least amount of time there. If is a yahoo groups forum which I have more trouble reading, but it is also because every woman there has died of the same horrible disease, and every time a person joins it is because they have just been diagnosed with the same horrible disease. It is overwhelming at times. Also, because some cases of anencephaly are caused by the lack of folic acid in pregnancy, many are unexpected pregnancies. And while the loss of a child is always painful, it is hard for me to relate. None of the other forums I belong to our closed, and I recieved a lot of support during my pregnancy from the infertility forum (which is also the forum that I have actually met people from).

There are certainly times that I find inappropriate comments in loss forums of general boards. Before my son was born, I used to belong to fertility friend, and there would be people posting things like "I can't imagine how you can cope...that is right where I am now" with belly pictures and ultrasound photos. It seemed to me incredibly inappropriate. I know that you have gotten inappropriate comments here about survivors birthday, and I just read one the other day on the twins site that I belong to about someone comparing being "dissapointed" in not being pregnant with twins after infertility treatments (they later had twins), to being dissapointed in not being pregnant with twins after having lost one twin to at 10.5 week loss, and hoping desparately for another twin pregnancy with twins to raise. I thought that comment was very inappropriate and posted so.

However, lurking really does not bother me. I don't know how much lurking by people that do not suffer loss there is, and how much lurking their is by people like me who have, but tend to be more quiet about posting and only write when I can really articulate our thoughts. I like to read boards, and ponder things, rather than to be an active poster. I guess it bothers me more when people pretend that loss does not occur in multiple pregnancies, or that it will not happen to them. I have a friend who just delivered early and her baby was in the NICU...while I have never had a child in the NICU, I do know more of what to say from all that I have friend from people who do. And maybe it is just my personality, but I would rather that some one who is trying to help someone who has suffered loss would read some of the things that we say, rather than just ask for us to post everything again for them. While there is definately a loss of privacy from an open forum, that vulnerability may allow others who are too shy to post their story to join a closed forum to benefit.

A while back there was a long thread on the main board, and I found some of the comments quite intense. While everyone would add a disclaimer that bereaved mothers still belonged, there were also some very strong comments that unless you have had three newborns, nothing you say is relevant to me. I certainly find it odd what some people feel that they can comment on, but I know that as long as people tread sensitively that I can learn from their comments, and that I can learn from people who are in situations not the same as mine. I had many complications in my pregnancies, my peris thought most likely from the fact that it started as a quadruplet pregnancy. I found a lot of helpful advice about bedrest, etc from reading the forum, but I would not comment on the pain of three babies kicking at 32 weeks.


While I am sure you disagree (and that is fine...that is what life is about) does this make sense?

Jane

Jane

Blessed with a quadruplet pregnancy
Miscarried quads A and D at 10.5 weeks
Lucy Mae (8/1/05-8/4/05) and Samuel were born 8/1/05 at 36.5 weeks after 17 weeks of bedrest!

Cat,

I was one of these lurker from the first day I found TC. I felt I couldn't post because I didn't lose one of my triplets, but being able to cry with you all has helped me tremendously. I finally got the courage to post a bout a week ago and tell some of my story and new grief if you will and got wonderful responses. I wish I wasn't a part of this "club" as you put it, but just being able to know that I am not alone has been a relief. Especially will those who have lost babies so long ago. It helps me to understand I am still allowed to grieve even when others who haven't gone through something like this think I should stop since I have living children now.

I do agree those who have never lost a baby (triplet or other wise) shouldn't lurk or post but I'm not a moderator. Thank you for allowing me to feel accepted and welcome here when I need it. I hope no one else ever has a need for this board but if they do wonderful women will help them as they have helped me.

God bless
ashlee

http://lilypie.com>

http://lilypie.com>

I guess I never really thought of it until now. I guess if they "lurk" that doesn't bother me but if a person who has never experienced a loss of a baby then they should not post. Yes, they may feel sorry for us and feel that they need to post a response just like you get in person. It does bother me that people try to act like they know how we feel, not just on the boards but in person too.

Today I was talking to my sister about my fears and she said she knew how I felt. I said "did you bury two babies" and she said "no, but I was talking about being scared about preterm labor" She went into preterm labor with my nephew because of a UTI but ended up making it to term. I still don't think that it's the same at all.

I agree with the pp about the post that went on and on. I know that it was said that even if your a beareved parent then you qualify as a triplet mom. I myself did not feel that way at all. It took me a while to even respond to the post and as soon as I did it got pulled! Not saying that it got pulled b/c of my post at all. I just wish people were able to read it. Oh and I would give anything to have three babies driving me crazy day in and day out.

Also JaneRuth, just because you didn't loose all of your babies does not mean that you shouldn't post here. To me whether or not you lost them early in a pregnancy or shortly after birth, your still bereaved.

Kara
Mom to BBG Triplet Angels
^Alexander Ryan^^Ethan Cole^^Avery Lynn^
8/12/06 - 8/12/06

BG Twins @ 36weeks 4days
Alison 5lbs 14oz
Elijah 5lbs 7oz

I hope I don't offend anyone by posting. I don't know if you consider me part of "the club" or not. I had 3 miscarriages before my trips and I lost baby D early on. Even though none of my triplets died, baby C was supposed to die in utero and I got a dreaded "twin comment." My peri told me I should consider myself lucky to be having twins. I lurk occasionally, but have never posted. The reason I lurk is to work through grief I don't feel like I deserve to have. I have 5 beautiful children, I never had to bury an infant, but sometimes I still miss the 4 babies I never got to see. I'm truly sorry if I have offended anyone by posting or lurking.


Jenni
Proud mom to BBB born 09-02-03 @ 32.2 wks
and 10 yr old big brother
and new baby brother born 12-07-06

I really do not know what stance to take on this one.

I agree that when you loose a baby, and even a multiple, it is something that it is not describable and worst yet understandable by someone who has not gone through it. The comments that people make good heartedly can offend since they have not been through it. I keep insisting that I hate it when people try to console me with "Well, you have Nathalie" (I think they feel that since out of a pregnancy I have 1 baby like most mothers its ok), or "she's a fighter" (like my other babies didnt fight for their lives until they passed on). I would feel so bad If I received a post with these answers, when Im looking for compassion, advice, support, from others that have been and are in the same place that I am.

However, I for instance, love to go to the main triplet connection site because of different reasons:
-I had a multiple pregnancy and experienced the emotional rollercoaster of it, emotionally and physically
-Many triplets are and have gone through the NICU experience, which I also went through
-Many triplets have been premature and offer excellent advice on feeding, PT, OT, speech
-I love to hear triplet stories and imagine my babies in all that rucus

I would dread it if someone in the main forum told me I couldnt participate because Im not raising triplets (I am a mother of triplets but I accept I am not raising triplets). So, due to the fact that I would be very offended if I were not able to participate or lurk in the main forum, that I dont know if its fair to impede them from coming here????

I am puzzled and think it is a very good question to ponder...

Monique
Mom to 26.5wk triplets, born 09/14/06
^Nicole^
^Daniel^
Nathalie

Cat,

My parenting brain fog has me forgetting what transpired two years ago - was that when the faker was ousted? If so I do remember trying to get her posts pulled from here as I did feel she violated this forum - as she violated the main forum.

That said, I don't think I have a problem with lurkers being here. Like you, I do not understand the fascination. Maybe it's a strange way of counting one's own blessings, maybe it's a fear of what could have been, I'm not sure.

I did feel that the post to your countdown message was insensitive and can only imagine the sting that brought to you.

Maybe those who haven't shared this type of loss feel comfortable responding bc they've come to know us through the other forum and feel like it would be ok to respond here, not understanding just how painful it is to be here and how comforting it is to be "surrounded" by those that understand - that we would protect our own so to speak.

I've learned that we never know what lies behind the closed doors of others. I have to assume those that post in response must feel a connection of some kind - maybe through miscarriage, maybe through the loss a friend or relative experienced, maybe through coming close to losing one of their own children. I'd prefer to assume that they are not here out of morbid curiosity. If that is the case, I'm with you - please don't post here.

As a PP also stated, I'd have been heartbroken over the years if I was told that I was unwelcome on the main forum or in the Vet's forum. Just recently there was a post to that effect that only triplet moms should be there. The poster did reference those of us who'd lost babies but the tone was still there (to me) that really only triplet moms should be there. Honestly, I've seen lots of support from the granny's and auntie's and nannies that post on that forum. They cannot directly relate but may have something to offer and I only post when I feel I have something worthwhile to offer - though my postings have dropped significantly in the past couple of years.

Boy, I'm rambling, I guess to get to your original question, I haven't had problems with people lurking here but I do agree that there have been (rare) posts that seem inappropriate. I don't want to fault some moms for posting here. I can remember a couple of occasions when someone posted their loss here and not on the main forum, I appreciate when other members posted to them to offer their condolences and I feel that it is appropriate to do so.

It is really crappy to belong to this group though, isn't it.

Marie

Hi Cat! I believe I have shared my thoughts and feelings with you about this forum privately, however have never shared them publicly.

Although I am also a member of the "club" you speak of, I do not post here (or on the main forum) regularly. My reasons for this stem from a couple of hurtful comments made to me from other TC members both before and after the loss of my son. After losing Connor, I received several private messages from people who didn't have a clue about grief or had never dealt with the loss of a child. One particular message basically told me to "get over it" and to be thankful that I still had my 2 survivors. OUCH! Definitely not the "support" I was looking for-- especially from a site like TC!

I do feel that this section of TC should be a safe haven for "club members" to openly discuss their thoughts and feelings-- without others being able to "listen in" to these discussions and ESPECIALLY respond to topics that they have no knowledge about. Grieving HOM parents are just looking for others who understand and can provide some comfort and support. Believe me, the last thing anyone here needs is to be judged by someone who doesn't have a clue about losing a child!

My heart goes out to all member of this "club", as I know the pain they live with on a daily basis. Sadly, there are many members here. I can assure all who read this that everyone here would gladly turn in their membership if given the chance.

I pray everyday that no other mommy or daddy will have to endure the pain of losing a child.... There is truly no greater pain.

">


Connor James 9/26/04 - 9/2/05
Forever in our hearts




http://connor-anderjaska.memory-of.com/about.aspx

I am glad you brought this up.

I don't post much on this site anymore due to the fact that I don't want a lot of people (even though I don't know them) reading on and saying..."oooo she's messed up" etc etc or judging me. I'll never get over the loss of my first 3. I know also that this is the ONLY site that has folks that TRULY understand the loss and the hurt but I don't post about it b/c I don't want all these hoot-a-nannies reading it and then feeling like they need to comment.

So to make it a closed forum, yes, I'd appreciate that....but how the heck do you keep "loss-impersonators" from getting on???? Personal interviews? Too complicated.

I don't know how other sites make theirs closed. Maybe if you know enough people....

I also understand how "others" can get on here and read and help out friends/sisters/daughters and that we can be a resource for them.

Rock...hard place.


Melody
^bbb^ 11-03-03 at 22 weeks
BBB ^d^ 1-08-06 at 30.3 weeks I am an earthly mom at last!
keep up with us at www.lodyp.com

Hi Cat, I have sufferred the loss of an infant, but have always felt like a "lurker" because it was not one of my trio. As I type this, I have tears running down my face remembering my precious little Abegail, who was born still two years ago this coming Monday.

I cannot imagine the pain any one of you has sufferred through your losses, but I come here to help deal with my own greif.

Sure hope you do not feel violated by my presence here. I never post, but do read other's posts and cry for your losses.

Jonna

G 25
B 17
B 13
G (Stillborn Angel 4/16/05)
BGB 1/06 @ 27 wks
Grandaughter 3

Cat, I am still here and I am not sure if I remember what happened here but I do see your point and agree with you. I don't post very often because it seems like I never get any response here. I am not trying to be mean or anything but that has been my experience. I do also belong to eLIMBO, CLIMB and TAQQL. I do miss talking with everyone here so I will start to post again.

Take care and I just wanted you to know that I am still here.

Engrid
Jackson 4# 2oz
Ruark 3# 11oz
Ethan 2# 15oz our angel in heaven
All born on 12/23/02

Liam Ethan 8# 7oz born on 5/11/05

Cat...another who is giulty of not posting much. I've had my share of bad things happen in connection to lurkers, so I'm sure you don't need to hear my opinion on that...that is a big part of why I steer clear of this and the main forum normally. Something made me come here today when I should be doing other things...

That said, I think the lurkers are OK and even welcome, because I would rather them understand the depth of our pain and our true feelings than them think differently out of our silence. But I also think they shouldn't be offering us up advice as to how to deal with our loss unless they are therapists or something.

But there are lurkers out to just hurt people in one way or another, and they are NEVER welcome.

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks
http://survivingtripletsandteens.blogspot.com

Its taken me a while to post cause I get home from work so tired and can't post from work. I just wanted to agree with most posts, if someone is sincere in their post I don't mind (even if they haven't experienced the same loss). However, if someone posts something strange or unhelpfull then I think it would bother me. I'm not so savvy with the computer so I really haven't noticed anything unusual. I don't have my own website or anything like that. All I know is in the worst time of my life, you all have been my lifeboat. I honestly think that If you all were not here I would be suicidal. Hearing your stories and seeing your courage offers me so much hope. Whenever I get sad or blue I know I can count on feeling better by posting or just reading. Thank you all so much for that. Sincerely, I don't even have a pretty bottom picture (I don't know how to do that):-)

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

Hi Ladies,

I am another one that do not post often. I just don't fit in here. I have a few "friends" that I try and keep up with but I just don't fit here. I loved it at first and felt at home so to speak but then the pm's started and then Jeff's pm's came and I just felt like I was not good enough to be here. Not good enough for them to have taken the time to find out my story before disabling my username and telling me to go and find the twin site, not good enought to even ask me first so I just don't belong here. I still lurk daily because I just can't let it go and move on as I should. I just wanted to say that I understand what you are saying Cat. Some just should not say things about bereaved parents because until you walk a mile in our shoes you just don't understand. I miss all of you guys.

Gerri
Makenzie 5.5
Charles and Charley 2.5