Hello... I posted about a month ago asking for help on how to grieve for the loss of my children and I got great support from all of you, thank you very much.

I was advised by many of you to get counseling and I spoke to my husband about it. His father is a very known psychologist from where we are from and he told me that I should go with him. However, I did not want to because I want someone that doesnt know me so that he/she wont judge me afterwards. At first, he asked me if I didnt want to go with his father because I was holding negative feelings towards him and thats why I didnt want to speak to his father. I told him that no I did not have negative feelings towards my husband, but that I could not share with him my grief because we werent in the same emotional place and did not feel like sharing this with his father.

However, lately our relationship has started to get rocky because I dont feel supported by him and now I do think I hold it against him. It doesnt help either that he makes judgemental comments about my grief. The other day he told me that I was "mentally ill" because I visited the triplet connection website, since I was purposely reminding myself about the triplet life that we dont have.

We should get closer after loosing our children and it only is driving us apart. I dont feel supported by him, I feel judged by him, I cant talk about my lost children with him because he seems to want it kept in the past and this is affecting our whole relationship.

Has this happened to any of you, and if it has, how have you worked through it?

Monique
Mom to 26.5wk triplets, born 09/14/06
^Nicole^
^Daniel^
Nathalie

I don't think anyone will think that you should go to your fil for psychological counseling. I'd be shocked that he would take you on as that is a huge conflict of interest. Would it appease the situation at all if you were willing to ask your fil for a referral to a grief counselor? That way you are respecting his position in the psychiatric community yet making it clear that you are looking for someone else. I don't know if that would work or not but maybe something to think about.

Your fil is too close to the situation and is probably grieving himself about the loss of his grandbabies.

As far as what is going on with your husband, I'm so sorry that he's making you feel judged. My surviving boys are five and I still come to TC it is a place in which you made a connection and it's the one place that you can find some understanding. It sounds like you both need to find a way to tell each other what feelings you are having. The thing is, feelings are never wrong - you cannot help feeling the way you do about a certain situation - nor can you try to make someone else feel something.

My dh & I once went through a couples retreat where the majority of time was spent discussing how to communicate feelings. If you are not being heard you need to find a different way to explain (assuming he'll listen to you). Some suggestions made were to reference a shared experience: "Remember that time that we almost got hit head on by that crazy driver - that left a pit in our stomach. Well, that is how I feel when...." or you can use color or weather as examples, "I've been thinking of when a big thunderstorm rolls in and the black clouds are building and building and you can see the lightening in the distance and you just know it's going to be terrible - that's how I feel when...." Another strategy was to rate the emotion on a scale from 1 - 10 - as in, "my sadness today is a 6, that is better than I felt yesterday...."

By using some common points of reference or colors or a scale you might find a way for your husband to "hear" you. He doesn't need to understand why you feel the way you do but he MUST understand that you are feeling that way.

I don't know if this makes sense and I think it would be most effective if you were able to find a counselor as well to help you put some words to what you are feeling. I'm going to give your dh the benefit of the doubt that he does not really believe that you are mentally ill for visiting a place that consists of triplet families. He is obviously not understanding your needs right now.

I hope, so much, that you can soon find common ground on this and that he can become a support to you. He probably needs your support as well but may not know how to express that.

Hugs to you today.

Marie

I agree with your instinct to not see FIL on a professional basis, and I doubt he'd agree to see you as a patient anyhow - it does not seem ethical. I think the PP idea to seek a referral is great. Also, maybe your DH could just talk to his dad (even if you speak to FIL first and let FIL initiate the conversation) on a father-son level.

I also think, and this is somewhat speculative since I've just read your post above, but my two-cents is that your DH may be expressing his grief and fear by putting out anger...and since you are the one there, you're the target. In my experience, men can sometimes deal with fear, frustration, and sadness by expressing one of the emotions that they are comfortable with - anger. I'm not in the mental health field, so this is simply human observation talking here. And I speak mostly from my own DH's way (which I can see is soooooooo exactly like his father and older brothers).

Try to not buy into his comments, and once you get some help and start talking to someone you will learn good tools to get through this. It may be that you go it alone at first, and then figure out how to cope as a couple and a family.

I wish you peace and hope that you find how to live through this time and come out okay on the other end.

http://lilypie.com>

I hope that you can find a good counselor. I just wanted to add that my husband and I do not see eye to eye on how to grieve Lucy (let alone the rest of the quads). Everything having to do with her is a fight...if we would have a memorial service (our pastor talked him into that one), whether I can expand the little garden that I planted with plants I was given in memory for her, etc. His stance is that as long as we don't talk about it, it does not hurt him. I don't really think that is true, but at the same time I don't think that I can change him. He was totally over her death by her first birthday (according to him). However, as the birthday approached the level of fighting over silly things began to increase. The fact is, he is not over it, it is just too painful for him to deal with so he tried to stay busy and forget. I finally said to him "I know you are over it, and that is fine, but I am still sad so please recognize that and be extra kind to me"...which sort of made sense to him.

I read a lot about husbands and wives grieving together, and I wish that we did. However, our marriage is a lot stronger because we learned how to love each other and respect each other while we grieved in very different ways.

Love,
Jane

Jane

Blessed with a quadruplet pregnancy
Miscarried quads A and D at 10.5 weeks
Lucy Mae (8/1/05-8/4/05) and Samuel were born 8/1/05 at 36.5 weeks after 17 weeks of bedrest!

I just wanted to agree with all the other posts. It is not a good idea to get counseling from a family member. I am a Clinical Therapist and would never counsel a family member as it would be unethical. However, getting a referral from you FIL would be a good thing. I'm sure you know this already but there are five stages of grief. 1) Denial 2) Barganing 3) Anger 4) Depression & 5) Resolution. One can go through these stages quickly or go in and out of them again and again. Until all stages are gone through (in your own time) Resolution cannot come. And even Resolution doesn't mean forgetting your triplets and putting them behind you. I think it would be good for your husband to get into counseling separately even if he thinks it is only to help you get through this difficult time. My own husband and I had been having pretty bad arguments following the death of our Triplets. I too wasn't feeling supported. But my depression and anger was running its course and I think I couldn’t reach out and when I did it wasn’t in a good way. I still have times where I feel very depressed but it is not as intense. Grief is something you cannot sweep under the rug. It will keep resurfacing if he doesn't work through it. The goal should be to get through the stages of grief and not get stuck in one stage for too long. There are a lot of books that you can pick up and ask your husband to read as a way to understand what you are going through (that will help him). You are not mentally ill. Just grieving. What we have all been through is very traumatic. I still have nightmares of losing babies or children. I believe I have some Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder (PTSD) and that is why I am in individual therapy myself. I will do whatever it takes to feel better. And it seems that you are fighting to feel better too. That means you are healing and are going to heal. Just not in your husband's time. I will be praying for you and husband. It is not easy. But your marriage is worth fighting for

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

First, with respect to the FIL, 'nuf said. Everybody here has hit the nail on the head. If your dFIL does not refer you to someone else, or you are uncomfortable seeking even this from him, call your local hospice and ask for the name of a grief counselor. They should be able to set you up with a good person to work with.

Second, it is VERY common for couples to respond to the grief of losing a baby or babies very differently and for their grief to be directed against each other rather than in a consoling manner. It is also quite common for men to cope by wanting to sweep the emotions under the rug and pretend that they are not still hurting. As a pp noted, her husband became angrier and more frustrated at anniversary time, but did not recognize that this was related to the loss.

Grief is a long-term process and if it is not moving forward properly, it can result in long-term problems, such as PTSD, as mentioned by another pp. Getting help with these issues will not only help you to move forward productively, but it will also help you to help your dh to work through this in a manner that is comfortable for him -- despite the fact that he thinks he's "done" with this.

Good luck to you and please know that you are not alone in this. It is VERY common for families to struggle mightily with grief issues.

You will remain in my prayers.

Fondly,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA

Thank you all for your great advise...it is so amazing that you can be so caring and supporting w/o knowing me. Thank you!!!

I will let you know how this all works out... it is so difficult because we had the best relationship before all of this happened, and it is now hampering our time together. Thank you again!

Monique
Mom to 26.5wk triplets, born 09/14/06
^Nicole^
^Daniel^
Nathalie