My heart goes out to you and your family. I wish I could jump through this computer and give you a hug.

Jonna

G 25
B 17
B 13
G (Stillborn Angel 4/16/05)
BGB 1/06 @ 27 wks
Grandaughter 3

Jaclyn,

This SUCKS and it isn't fair at all. There isn't any other way to put it. I still do not understand why we have to endure the pain of losing our precious children. I hope you find some comfort soon. I am sorry for your loss.

Love,
Rachel

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

Jaclyn,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I know it's easier said than done, but please don't beat yourself up. You are a loving, caring mother who did everything in her power to keep her babies safe and sound. Unfortunately, love just isn't enough sometimes. There are things that happened the day we lost Danny, things that were clues to what was to come, but for some reason I didn't act on them, didn't DO anything.

We were very encouraged by Danny's progress and in the days before he died, I even let myself think ahead to the future and what his life might be. It wouldn't be easy, but I could see in my mind that he and his brother would be getting on the Kindergarten bus together. Then everything changed, literally in one heartbeat. Still, as hard as things would be for him, I could not imagine MY life without him. I still long to see his beautiful smile, many days.

One thing that brings me peace everytime I think of it is that I KNOW in my heart that he knew who his mommy and daddy were. We only had him home for 2 months, but he really became "our" baby. I'd like to say that he was mama's boy, but he really did love his daddy. When DH came home from work his first question was "what can I do?". Since Danny was tube fed and I was nursing Joey I didn't get to hold him as much as I wanted to. Danny spent his evenings in the "Daddylounger", propped up on DH's shoulder, checking out the world or happily snoozing.

In the days after family left and DH went back to work, the ONLY reason I got out of bed was to care for my survivor. I spent many days doing endless, mindless games on my Palm Pilot when he was napping or on the floor playing with toys. I guess that was my "escape".

Sorry this is so long. I just want you to know that you are not alone. Everything you are feeling is normal....not that anyone ever wants to be that kind of normal. Things do get easier, but not for a long time. Things will get different, but not for a while. My heart aches for you right now.

Wishing you peace in the days to come.

MonsterMom6
10 year old ^b^ b twins @ 30w5d (1 survivor) and
8 year old gggg quads @ 32w0d

Jaclyn,

Words can't express how very sad I am for you.

When I first met my Peri he told me carrying triplets was the hardest thing I would ever do. He was wrong. Burying my little girl was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The pain is horrible.

The pain does dull with time though. Having my survivors was a blessing because it kept me busy while time passed. I didn't believe it, but time does heal.

You will get through this. You have two beautful babies to care for. You will keep Hayden's memory alive by telling his brother and sister all about him and showing them pictures of him. Hayden will be missed but he will never be forgotten.

My heart breaks for you and your family for what you are going through right now.

You'll be in our prayers every day.

http://www.brianandcharlie.com/blog
^Alexandra^, Brian, Charlie 07/28/2003
[/

Jaclyn:

My heart breaks for you.

I understand the questioning oneself and what could have been done differently. It's like there's this big mark in time -- one moment everything is fine and the next, it's too late to do anything. All that is left is regret.

This is normal to feel this way and to question everything that you did. But it is also not reality. You did nothing to bring this on and there is nothing that you could have done to have prevented it. This is no way related to anything you did or did not do.

I am so sorry that you are going through this and that you are in so much pain. Please be very gentle on yourself and on your dh and be kind to each other during this very difficult time.

You and your entire family remain in my prayers.

Fondly,
Cat

ETA: I didn't answer your question. You asked "How do you get through this?" The answer is: One day at a time. The time up until the funeral will drag like being led to the gallows. The funeral will be difficult. But after everyone leaves and the hoopla is over, the realities will begin to set in. If you feel like going to bed right now, get somebody to cover for you and go to bed for a bit. Sleeping will help pass time and will help your body adjust to the stress. Come here and pour out your grief. Everyone here understands completely and we are willing to listen. After you've gotten pulled somewhat back together, stay busy -- having survivors to care for helps but is also very painful at the same time.

As a pp said, time helps with the healing. Please be assured that the pain will be easier with time.


Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA

Dear Jaclyn,

Im very sorry for the loss of your precious Hayden. The loss of your child is the worst thing that could ever happen to a anyone, and it leaves you with so many questions: why did it happen, why to me, what did I do to deserve this, what did I did wrong, what if I had done this another way... the questions are endless...

I too blamed myself for the loss of my babies for so long, to such an extent that I told myself that I wasnt allowed to grieve for them because it was my fault. I was the one that couldīt hold them longer, I didnt take care of myself well enough, etc, etc, etc. I hated these times... Im glad to say that it has gotten a lot better (the blaming part).

I want to share with you what happened to me last week, in hope that it will help you as it did me. I was sharing with someone who is giving me spiritual advise that I I didnt know why my babies had died, if I had asked God with so much faith to keep them alive. He told me that he too had a multiple (twin) pregnancy (his wife) and they were born premature. One baby died and the other lived, however, she has such severe cerebral palcy, that she cries every night due to her state (his daughter is 15 years old). He told me that he believed that God loved me, my husband and my two babies so much, that he prevented us from having such a difficult time like what he is going through.

Honestly, I want to believe what he says is true, I want to believe that it wasnt a coincidence I went with this person for advise. I want to believe that my babies are in Heaven, and that they are my Nathalies guardian angels. I want to believe that they are there because they are leading a better life that what they would have had on earth.

I know that this doesnt stop the hurting inside, but it does help to accept what happened without the blame. I pray that you are able (through time) to stop blaming yourself because I think it is the hardest part of grieving.

Your family will be in my prayers,

Monique
Mom to 26.5wk triplets, born 09/14/06
^Nicole^
^Daniel^
Nathalie

Oh, Jaclyn,
I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious Hayden. My heart is aching so much for you and your family right now. I have followed your story from your mother's posts way back when the babies were born. I was so glad to hear as they each went home and continued to thrive. I know you are hurting and it is hard to be there for the other two right now. But I know your mom will be there for you still like she has been. One day at a time is hard right now, do one hour at a time if that's what it takes. I will continue to pray for your family through this horribly difficult time. Please try not to blame yourself. You couldn't have known. This was no different than any other night.
Many many hugs,
Cindy

-Cindy
Mother to 24 week triplets;
Brandon
^Ryan^ & ^Jessica^ (7/25/05-8/24/05)
http://lilypie.com>
http://lilypie.com>

You are right it is hell! You have every right to feel this way. We are here for you no matter if it is to cry or vent. Jackie, you can not blame yourself for what happened to Hayden. The only thing that is going to help you is time. It will get better with time. Not saying that you will ever be over it because you won't but time will help you make it through day to day. I will never understand God's plan but it's not for us to understand.
It's been nine months since I lost my triplets and it is still so hard. It's not fair that our babies were taken from us! I can go days or weeks and not shed a tear but when it hits me it hits me hard.
It is going to be hard to go on without him but your other babies need you too. My heart breaks for you and your family. Your in our thoughts and prayers.

Kara
Mom to BBG Triplet Angels
^Alexander Ryan^^Ethan Cole^^Avery Lynn^
8/12/06 - 8/12/06

BG Twins @ 36weeks 4days
Alison 5lbs 14oz
Elijah 5lbs 7oz

Jaclyn,

I am so very very sorry. There is nothing anyone will or can say that will make the days better right now.

When my son died, literally the only thing that did keep me going was my survivors and other two children. Some days are still that way, almost 4 years later.

You made, I think, a great choice getting his plot in-between yours and your husbands.

A very special friend sent me an ornament with the following saying that warms my heart some days.

"I am here; because you remember me." Hayden will always be with you, not in the ways you will long for, but he is with you nonetheless.

I'm sorry.

Erika

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks
http://survivingtripletsandteens.blogspot.com

Jackie...

I've been thinking of you all non-stop. I'm so so sorry for the loss of your precious Hayden. I don't even know what to say. I lost my twins after birth, but I didn't have them with me for 14 months. I can't imagine the grief you are feeling. Please don't blame yourself. You are a great mama. You took care of Hayden so well. He will always be loved.

Everyone grieves in their own way. I pray that God will comfort your heart & get you thru this. He WILL get you thru this. Please come here to this site to talk if you need to. Feel free to e-mail me if you need to cry. I'm just so sorry.

I e-mailed your mom for your last name so I could put it on our prayer list at church. Many, many prayers are being said for you & your family. We are here for you.

Much love

Check us out at:
http://thewrighttrips.blogspot.com/

Isabel, Jasper & Jonah were born on July 1, 2006

And my twin angels in heaven ~
Olivia Layne - 2/13/05
Elijah Cain - 2/13/05

Jaclyn,

Please try to stop beating yourself up. You are in a nightmare, I've posted before, it is the emotion that has no name - beyond devastated, beyond heartbroken. It really sucks to be in this position and now to try and live feeling broken and missing a huge part of who you and your family are.

I am glad that the service went well and that things were beautiful. I am glad that you were able to spend time with Hayden at visiting hours.

You ask, "Where do I start?" Well, you start by just surviving the next minute, the next five minutes, the next hour, the next day. You don't have a choice because you have two other children that are very confused and that need you as well. I don't mean that you need to pretend things are ok - that wouldn't be fair to any of you, but they do need you and you might, ultimately, be able to take some comfort in their unending love for you as well as the distraction that caring for them might provide.

Please consider seeking out a grief counselor, please, please, please. Hopefully you could find someone that can help you through this time, hopefully your dh would consider talking to someone as well. If you seek counseling, make sure that you find someone with experience working with parents that have lost a child

You will never forget Hayden, you will never be "the same" and for that I am so very sorry. You will be able to get stronger, you will be able to smile again, you will find joy in your surviving babies, but it will take time.

Consider journaling, if you can find the time, write down every precious memory you have of Hayden - maybe even some of the not so precious, he was a very real and precious part of your family and writing about him may be cathartic and if you choose to share it with his sibliings later it could help them feel like they remember him.

I am so sorry for your loss and will keep your family in my prayers -picturing Hayden running and flying and playing with all of the angels that we wish were here instead of there.

Hugs.

Marie

Jaclyn,

I am sooo sorry you are going through this. I don't have any great advice since I am still a wreck. I read that you sent Hayden balloons. Whenever I feel like talking with my angels I send them balloons too. I write them each a letter and tie it on the balloon. It somehow makes me feel better. Something about just letting out all the tears and words that were never said, makes things a tad bit easier. You will continue to be in my thoughts...I wish I could take away your pain.

Love,
Rachel

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

Jaclyn,

I totally sympathize with you and know how you feel. It's not at all fair and it makes me so mad!!! I searched and searched for answers, knowing in the back of my head there wasn't one. There will never be an acceptable reason for us to lose our children, so I guess it will just always be there... that anger, pain, and not-knowing. I hate it. I wish you peace and smiles (although I know your other children will bring you plenty of those).

Love to you,
Amy Hanson
Mom to two angels in heaven and two on earth.
www.caringbridge.org, site name: hansontriplets password: sunnyday

Jaclyn,
I know there aren't any answers for this kind of thing. Please remember, we can't question God and his plan for us. As hard as it is to lose faith, you can't. I just lost my little girl yesterday, 1 day before my 2 boys were born at 30 weeks. I feel your pain, I do. I didn't get to know my little Natalie like you did you son, so maybe I don't know how you feel. All I know is that there isn't a worse feeling in the world. I just hope and pray that Gods plan includes you, your husband, my wife and I along with our beautiful children.
Your little Hayden is their little angel now. Believe me, he will be looking over your other 2 children as long as your husband and you. Keep the faith. We all have to. Man do we need a group hug right now. Good luck with your unbelievable journey.

Derek