When Courtney and Colin passed I was definite we would go back to our RE and try again. However, with Jaxon's passing I just don't know if I can. Before we found out we were pregnant with triplets, I had said no more IVF. I just keep going back and forth. IVF was so draining in every aspect that I would not go through with cycle #4. I want to be an earthly mother so bad, more than anything in the world. But IVF is a nightmare. I think we have 4 frozen embryos, one being a blastocyst. When we had our other frozen cycle, all but one of 7 died in the thawing. I feel so helpless and confused. I know I am not emotionally ready, but when I am I do not think I will ever be ready for IVF again.

Did you all try again? If so, how long after your sweet angels passed. And if you went through IVF, how many embryos did you transfer? Thanks.

Rachel

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

Rachel, I have been thinking of you since I heard about Jaxon. I am so sorry.

My situation is different from yours. Our little angel Abegail was our first embryo transfer. We had two blasts transferred and were blessed to carry her until her little heart stopped beating.

I was devistated and discouraged. My pregnancy with her was my eighth. I called my RE and asked how soon we could try again. After two men. cycles I was back for a FET the result of which was our trio.

Our family continues to pray that peace will come to you and your family. What ever you decide, may you be blessed with your decision.

Jonna

G 25
B 17
B 13
G (Stillborn Angel 4/16/05)
BGB 1/06 @ 27 wks
Grandaughter 3

Rachel --

Losing multiples is SO MUCH MORE THAN losing a child because you've lost each of your three precious children, their commaraderie, their fun, their tripletness, your family, so many hopes and dreams.
As if there weren't enough, you're back at the starting line of the fertility madness when you had just reached the finish line-- it's so infuriating!! Many loss parents do just call the whole process quits, and it's understandable.

You are going through SO MUCH right now -- really only able to start the grieving process for all your babies now. I can only try to imagine the H&!! you've been through these last few months.

We were pretty gung ho to try again, and so anxious to fill the void, start the parenting, share the love that we went the routes of adoption and ttc simultaneously (ending up with success with both, although losing another of our girls).

If you're worried about not being up for this now, just remember this is NOW. Now is not the best time to make definitive decisions for your life, and now is not the best time to question your feelings because your feelings are all mixed up and all over the place.

On a separate note:
Rachel, I have tried to contact you through various routes (and if you've heard from me and chosen to ignore me, please feel free to continue ). I am just over the hill from you (in Simi) and I'm here if you need someone who comes close to understanding what you've been through.

Please let me know if you decide to have a public (more than just family) memorial for Jaxon. I would like to attend.

Take very gentle care of yourself

Steff

^West Rogers^, ^Keaton Edward^, ^Rebecca Joy^ 1/6/04



Missing their sister ^Maria Jose^ 4/7/04-5/10/04

Steff,

I hope you are not offended by me not responding. I swear I always intended to, but then something would happen and I would be back in my rut again. I just talked with one my good friends since jr high 2 weeks ago. It had been since my first two hd passed. It is not intentional, but just each time I start to talk to someone I start to cry. I promise I am not a rude person, just in such a deep hole, I don't always feel up to it. I really appreciate your concern and continued support. Our service will be open to all, we would be blessed to have you there. Thanks for understanding.

Rachel

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

I'm so sorry. I just posted about contacting you. I totally understand. My friends have to call me several times sometimes before I can call them back. Its like my house is the safe retreat from the pain of being around others who don't understand. I don't really know why its so hard for me to be around people other than being depressed from grief. Its so understandable. Posting is the best I can do and brings me relief. I also IM Kara all the time. That helps me too. She is so understanding and wonderful. Please join us in IM if you would like. Let me know and I will give my IM name.

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

Rachel --
I would never take offense at anything with a loss parent because I know each person needs something different (people/privacy) at different times. Please know you owe me NO apology, AT ALL. I just wanted to make sure that my message was getting to you.

Be gentle with yourself.

Steff

^West Rogers^, ^Keaton Edward^, ^Rebecca Joy^ 1/6/04



Missing their sister ^Maria Jose^ 4/7/04-5/10/04

Rachel,
You are on my mind everyday. I want you to know how much I hurt for you. I am so sorry about Jaxon. I live in Chino Ca. Do you live close? I would love to be there for you. Please let me know. you can email me at ruv1@adelphia.com

After my triplets passed I only waited until my next period. That's what my Infertility Doc. told me to wait. I immediately wanted to fill my arms with a child. I was kind of obsessed about it. But I've read its normal and its called the empty arm syndrome and that its very common for mother's who've lost a child to get pregnant right away.

After getting pregnant again after the triplets and having the miscarriage at five weeks, I'm just so numb. but I too want to be an earthly mother so bad. I'm so unsure and I go through different emotions. But, I feel the same way about going back to the doc. giving myself shots daily, is so hard. Its hard sitting in the waiting room with all these mothers and pregnant ladies. I don't know how many tries I will go through but, I'm going to start trying again this month. Its kind of like I'm on automatic and trying is the only thing that gives me hope right now. Its only been a month since the miscarriage. I think If I don't try again now, I won't ever. Time is wasting for me being in my late 30's. My husband is now unsure about trying again because of my depression and grief. But I know I have to do it again. For how long, I don't know. But If I have another miscarriage that's it for me.

Please let me know if your close or if you want to IM me.

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

Rachel,

You have gone thru so much & I'm so sorry this is happening.

After I got pregnant with my twins, I was so excited. I thought...yippie, I have 2 babies & I don't have to do IVF anymore. I agree with you...IVF is sooo draining & just really takes a toll on your body & your mind. I always told my hubby that I wouldn't do IVF again.

Then, I delivered my twins at 21 weeks & they passed away. That morning, I knew I wanted to try again. I would have done IVF in a heartbeat if it meant that I would be an earthly mama. Our Elijah & Olivia passed away in Feb. & I believe we started the IVF process again in July.

However, we had to stop mid-cycle a few times & then we finally made it thru a full cycle. I didn't get pregnant. I had 4 frozen embryos left & in Dec., we put in all 4. This resulted in my precious triplets.

Do whatever you feel is right in your heart. To me, IVF wasn't as bad the 2nd time around. I don't know if it was just because I so desperately wanted these babies. Please keep us posted on everything. I'm praying for you & your family.

Check us out at:
http://thewrighttrips.blogspot.com/

Isabel, Jasper & Jonah were born on July 1, 2006

And my twin angels in heaven ~
Olivia Layne - 2/13/05
Elijah Cain - 2/13/05

Rachel-

I can't pretend to know the level of pain that you are experiencing. I did lose a baby at 5 1/2 weeks but I know that's not quite the same. But I just wanted to say that I've been in your shoes when it comes to deciding to go on with IVF. The best thing we did was go to an adoption agency. We sat through a presentation, asked questions and talked about it a lot together. The best advice they gave us was if you have any tries left with insurance for IVF or if you have any embryo's frozen, use them because you will always wonder. Knowing the faith you have in God I know that you will find which path is best for you and your husband. I don't even know you but I feel so much for you and your family and the pain you are going through. I prayed every day that little Jaxon would pull through. I think when you give yourself time to grieve your losses you'll realize the right path for you, I'm sure it will just be clear. But it is totally understandable that you wouldn't want to go on with IVF, it's truly awful. I had 2 surgeries, did 3 IUI's, 2 IVF's, lost a baby, did a frozen cycle, did another failed IVF and on my last IVF try before adopting (I know, people always say the last try) we put back three embryo's and we conceived the triplets. And they told us only one embryo looked good and the other two looked only ok at best.

Please stay strong, cling to your husband, I know that you two will come out alright. I know your beautiful angels in heaven will watch over you forever. I wish you only happiness, you so deserve it.

Most sincerely,

Jennifer

Jennifer
Mom to Ryan, Timmy and Katie
6/26/06 34/5 5#1oz., 5# and 3#10oz.

Hi Rachel

Even after loosing the triplets I was obsessing about getting pregnant again. We had been tyring to get pregnant for about two years when I got pregnant with the triplets. I was so excited! Like the pp said I also was relieved to not have to go through it again.

My RE told me to wait until my next cycle and it would be okay to try again. It ended up being about two months after we lost the triplets. I can't say that I was emotionally ready to get pregnant again. I was still so deep in my grief and if I would have miscarried it probably would have pushed me over the edge. I know it's a very hard decision to make but every pregnancy is different. It took me a long time and probably 10 hospital visits later to realize that.

I don't know about the IVF process so I can't really give you any advice about it. I just know that one day you may change your mind. If I was you I don't know how many I would transfer. That is something that you and Kenny would have to really think about.

I am thankful this time because my doctor has monitored me very closely. I also took the progesterone shots. I feel like they have helped whether or not they did or not, I don't know but there is no risk in taking it. Good luck on whatever you decide. I'm here if you need me.

Kara
Mom to BBG Triplet Angels
^Alexander Ryan^^Ethan Cole^^Avery Lynn^
8/12/06 - 8/12/06

BG Twins @ 36weeks 4days
Alison 5lbs 14oz
Elijah 5lbs 7oz

Dear Rachel,
When I first read that Courtney and Colin passed away, I was 18 weeks along with my triplets, and I couldn't stop crying for hours. I had lunch with a close girlfriend and couldn't get you out of mind, so we both cried and prayed for you and Jaxon. And then by biggest fear was realized 4 weeks later - I went into preterm labor on March 29 - and our beautiful babies were born and went to Heaven the next day. I probably haven't even experienced the full effect of my own grief yet. And I cannot imagine what it was like grieving Courtney and Colin while having to be strong for Jaxon. What a remarkable little guy - such a fighter!

A few days after I came home from the hospital, I too, was obsessed with getting pregnant again. I still felt pregnant (and still do sometimes!) and even looked pregnant (for about a week). To this day, I still won't eat anything from the bad foods list! Anyway, our counselor urged us to allow plenty of time for our emotions to stabilize, especially concerning the next pregnancy. It's been exactly 9 weeks today since we lost Oliver, Avery, and Thomas, and we still want to try ASAP. We know that noone will ever take their place, and they occupy my thoughts every single minute of every day. We deserve to have more children, and our angels deserve little brothers and sisters too! I read somewhere (maybe it was here) that you know you're ready to try again when the longing to have another child outweighs the fear of losing another baby. We met with the RE yesterday, and she gave us the green light to do Clomid right after my next period. This time however, she will only give me the lowest dose to try to avoid another multiple pregnancy (which I DON'T necessarily agree with, but that's another post). We didn't have to go as far as IVF, so I can't offer any advice there. A sister of a close friend of mine has gone through IVF twice, both ending in miscarriage around week 8, so I can only have an idea of what it entails, but not personal experience.

You have suffered so much pain in the past months, and I pray that you take God's hand and allow him to comfort you as only He can. In time you will make the right decision for you and there is no wrong decision! This may not work for you, but I do this with all sorts of dilemmas in life. When you're ready, imagine ALL the possible scenarios and outcomes, and evaluate how you feel and react. Wait a few weeks and do it again.

I've been seeking out and reading lots of poems lately. For me, they are really helpful and comforting even though I cry everytime! I hope this one doesn't offend those who decided not to pursue another pregnancy or adoption, because that is not my intention! For me personally, this poem gives me hope for the future. The perspective is so heartwarming.

A Different Child (a poem by Pandora MacMillian)

People notice
There's a special glow around you.

You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.

You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

Andrea

Mom to triplet angels born too soon on March 30, 2007 @ 21w6d
^Oliver Jonathan^
^Avery Lauren^
^Thomas Andrew^

and blessed with Benjamin Reilly on April 8, 2008 @ 39wks
8lb 1oz

Try reading this book. It goes through all of the emotions of trying again. I really recommend it. I still get it out from time to time when I'm having a rough day.


http://www.amazon.com/Trying-Again-Pregnancy-Miscarriage-Stillbirth/dp/0878331824/ref=sr_1_2/105-8884534-8251623?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1180743868&sr=8-2

Kara
Mom to BBG Triplet Angels
^Alexander Ryan^^Ethan Cole^^Avery Lynn^
8/12/06 - 8/12/06

BG Twins @ 36weeks 4days
Alison 5lbs 14oz
Elijah 5lbs 7oz

Rachel,

My heart has a big hole in it for you. I understand the loss, but not all the trauma and stress you have been through. I delivered my first set of trips at 22 weeks and none of them made it past 2-3 minutes. They weren't expected to.
I did not do IVF to conceive, but I did use Follistim shots, HCG shot and an IUI. And it was not the first time we did this that I got pg. We used this method several times. It was the 4th time that we got pg with the first set. Talk about huge roller coaster and huge hormone imbalances!!! And then we lost those babies.
It then took us another year and a half before I got pregnant again. We had 2 failed tries (same method as before) then I fell off a horse I was training--concussion, seizures--and we had to wait 6 months more.

It has meant a great deal to me in healing by having more children. The scars are still there, but there is no more free bleeding.....if that makes sense. You and your husband alone will know when the time is right to start trying and God will give you a baby/babies when His timing is perfect.

I hope you try again, and I hope it is soon. Yes, it is hugely draining to play the fertility game....

with love and respect,

Melody
^bbb^ 11-03-03 at 22 weeks
BBB ^d^ 1-08-06 at 30.3 weeks I am an earthly mom at last!
keep up with us at www.lodyp.com

Dear Rachel... I did not know you lost Jaxon. My heart is broken for you. I am so sorry this happened. I will be praying for you.
I suggest that you give yourself several months before you make any decisions about IVF. You may feel very differently about it later. We are going to try again too- but I don't know when. I think we will know when the time is right. But we do know that it is not now. Please give yourself some space to start healing.
We beleive that God wants us to have children- so we will try again. And someday we will have children to raise here on earth.
Hold tightly to God and your husband during this time.
God bless you Rachel, Alyssa

holstroma
My three beautiful babies,
now with Jesus...
^Joshua Ronald^ 1/3/07-1/3/07
^Caleb Christopher^ 1/12/07-1/12/07
^Nathaniel Gregory^ 1/12/07-1/12/07

Hi Rachel,

I have followed with your journal on Jaxon and have e-mailed also.


After we lost a twin in 1999, I told my dh that I can't go through this IVF and high risk pg again. We had always wanted 4 children, so in the summer of 2002 we started our "fresh cycle" of the ICSI process and had 3 embryos transfered knowing that I could have triplts. I delivered a healthy baby boy in April of 2003. Now I can say that I have 4 boys one being and Angel.

Today, I would LOVE to have another, I love being pg, feeling the baby kick and grow inside. If the Doctors could guarentee me a healthy 9mo pg, NO problems with me. I would definetly be going through ICSI again.
Try, try again.

God Bless
Emelie