We lost our baby Spencer last night.
Everything happened so fast; he got an intenstinal infection yesterday morning and it took over. His intestines perforated, spreading the infection throughout his tiny body. He's such a brave, strong little guy but he just was too little to fight it off. He was mediflighted to Stanford in the afternoon to see if there's anything the surgeons there could do, but it was too late. We were there to hold him and love him during his last moments of life.
Our family is devastated. This is the worst thing imaginable, and we have no idea how to cope. How do I deal with this? How do I grieve my one baby and still take care of my other two? And I'm so terrified that something will happen to one of the others now... How do I do this??

Amanda,

I am so sorry for your loss of Spencer.

Know that he knew that he was surrounded by love. And know that whatever you are feeling is OK when you are feeling it. Cry when you need to, smile and laugh when you feel it (yes you will again). Understand that finding joy in your survivors does not diminish the love you have for Spencer. And grieving Spencer does not take away from the love and joy you have with your survivors. Just be what you are when you are....that's how you cope.

You and your family have my prayers.

MonsterMom6
10 year old ^b^ b twins @ 30w5d (1 survivor) and
8 year old gggg quads @ 32w0d

Amanda,

I am so so sorry for your loss. I only briefly felt the pain of losing one with two surviors. And for those three days after Sophia passed away, my mind reeled with thoughts of raising two without her. After losing all three, all I know is I would give anything to have been able to have just one with me today. The loss you feel is so great and painful and I am so sorry that you know this pain. Please take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to grieve and morn. All we can do is take it one day at a time. I'm currently pregnant and terrified. There is no getting around the fear. I try to just let go and remind myself that I am not in control. I pray that God will sustain you and comfort you. Being with family and friends helps. Please let others help you as much as possible and be kind to yourself. God bless and know that you are not alone. We are here for you. Big hug,

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

Hi Amanda. I am so sorry the doctors were unable to save Spencer. Our Little Eric passed on when e was a month old, and I had the exact same worries as you. We held him, and told him how much we loved him, and never wanted to let him go.

Then I spent months and mots and months worrying that I would lose one or both of the others. the only day I didnt go to the hospital to see my survivors was the day of Eric's funeral, then I was unable to go there for a week afterward because I had gotten a cold from being around someone that was sick at the funeral. I was in a living he!!.

Then, two months later when I finally got to take my first survivor home, I found that I was not nearly as far in my grief journey as I tought i was. I would awaken at night, and find that in my sleep I had been crawling around looking under chairs and furniture trying to find my little Eric.

So my advice: visit your survivors as much as you can. If you can handle bad news as well as good, tell the docs that you want to know all of their thoughts/suspicions and concerns with your survivors. Tell them you are concerned adn worried since the infection took Spencer so fast. They will understand.

Tell your NICU staff right away if you do not want them labeled as twins.

Think about where you want him buried, or if you want to cremate him and keep him with you. If you pick his spot for burial, remember that it is that place he will stay from here on, so choose well.

How do you do this?? there is no right or wrong way. It is what life has dealt us, and we muddle through. There are good days and bad days. In the beginning there are many many more bad days.

My comforting thought that I like to return to on bad days:

Little Eric knew nothing of the evil that can be out in this world. He knew only a world that loved him and tried to save his life. he never heard a cross word from Mom or Dad, he is my only child to never make me feel frustration. He taught me compassion and true, deep love, showed me how just how strong a very little baby could be; he fought his infection for days. And he taught even more just how important and special my other children are. I will never take anything for granted thanks to him. He is my love and my hero, and my children's own guardian angel.

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this and feeling this pain. I wish it were never to happen to any family again.

Take care, and be kind to yourself. There is no way anyone can tell you how to greive, and you will get through it.

~Erika

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks
http://survivingtripletsandteens.blogspot.com

Thank you. I really, really appreciate your comforting thought. I will hold on to that.

I am so sorry for your tragic loss of Spencer. God bless all of you as you grieve his loss. I certainly understand the fear you face with the other 2, I also had the same fear when James passed away (and even now after Emma passed) but just hold on to the hope and love you have for them.

Jane
Anna/Emma/John/^James^ (9/24/03-9/29/03) 26 wkers
In memory of my beloved Emma 9/24/03 - 1/19/07
www.snanimals.com
www.jlperillo.etsy.com (my etsy shop)
http://snanimals.blogspot.com (my blog)

I;m so sorry for your loss... AS you say, loosing a child is the most difficult thing a parent can endure.

I lost two of my babies ,and it was so hard to be happy for Nathalie when she was doing SOO well, when two of my other children were deathly ill. I remember that the first time I held Nathalie was after Daniel had passed away, and Nicolle was soooooo sick. I was elated, I was so happy I was able to hold one of the babies for the first time. But at the moment I felt happy, I felt so guilty because my other babies werent.

What I can tell you is that your babies need you, they need the love and support only their mummy can give them. You also have to grieve for darling Spencer, but try (I said try) not to interfere with the happiness the others deserve... Find strength in your surviving triplets, in their smiles, in their milestones....It is tough, but every baby deserves the happiness or sadness of the moment they are passing.

I wish you all the luck, you will be in my prayers,

Monique
Mom to 26.5wk triplets, born 09/14/06
^Nicole^
^Daniel^
Nathalie

Amanda:

You have reminded me of the horror of the ongoing NICU experience after losing a baby. The way that you do this is to focus on your remaining babies. Be there every possible moment. Know what is going on with them better than the nurses who care for them -- this is not only a comfort, it is also a safeguard for your babies. There were actually times when I knew more about my children's medical conditions than the people who were caring for them.

Know that once you get them home from the NICU, you will need to be kind to yourself for this is when the grief will hit you hard.

And, know that you have a large group of us here who completely understand what it is to feel terrific pain and joy at the same time. We know what it is to feel that awful guilt and the mixed anxiety -- fearful to hope. Know that when you need to share, there are others here who are willing to listen and who will understand what you are going through.

Erika pretty much summed up a lot of my feelings on this topic. My heart is with you during this slamming blow. I will pray for your peace and that you be comforted, and that your remaining triplets will fly through their NICU stay and come home safely with you.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA