I just saw a picture of beautiful quads on the photo forum. i am so happy for the family. but my first and lasting emotion is anger. I am so angry that i don't have my Elizabeth. and i am at the point now where i'm not sure if i'm angry with myself, or the hospital, or ...i don't know. just somthing unnamable. i just feel like yelling out "it's not fair, she didn't deserve to suffer". and i wish i could go back and ask the hospital more details about her death. not like an investigation, its just that i was in such a fog of confusion when she was dying,(and i REALLY believed she would live) that i don't remember what really was going on. but then , i also don't know who to ask about somthing like that.

does anyone know who i could call about such a request? would the hospital even talk to me about this? in such a sue-happy world, i can understand how they wouldent' want to talk to me.

i have been on postpartum medication for a little more than a year now. and i know how much it helps, cause i hasve forgotten to take it and i get so down i don't think i can cope. but on the medicine i feel fine, i just have moments of anger. is it normal that i'm still so angry? i don't want to ask when i'll get over this, but how long am i going to suffer through this?

my husband, and my 3 precious babies are my joy. they make me so happy. my life is almost perfect. almost.

sorry for rambling so much. i just needed to get this out. any advice?

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I understand you are hurt, frustrated, and may feel no one truly understands. I had a pretermer over 15 years ago, I had full blown eclampsia, had a seizure and delivered. I was on so much magnesium everything still is just a blur. My daughter died, the whole funeral happened without me before I really understood what was happening. I was 30 weeks, so I was mad at myself, the doctors and my family for everything. Why didn't anyone save her, why didn't anyone take a picture of her...why did she die? I have heard all the answers, but nothing I heard was enough. I still wanted to know more, but never did. The hurt does fade over time. You have probably heard that from a ton of people, but it really does. I too was on pp meds, forgot to take them half the time, but did eventually get over the depression. Life goes on and you will feel better, more energetic, calmer and happier one day. Do you have clergy you can talk to? There's a ton of free help out there. Ask you primary MD or GYN to lead you in the right direction. There is also anonymous help lines (at least here in California) where you call a number and there is a patient, kind "ear" to listen to your needs, problems, thoughts. God already blesses you every day!! Eileen from San Diego, mother of Erika 14, Ethan, Esteban and Emily 1 1/2 years old via Surrogate Becky.

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