We are going on 7 weeks in the NICU, 6 since we lost our little Hadley. I'm starting to feel like I will lose my mind if we are there much longer. I just want the babies home. It is so hard to be there everyday, there are constant reminders of the day we lost Hadley and it is just such a sad place to be. Any tips on how to make it through these long weeks?

Jessica

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com

It is funny that I checked here tonight because I checked your blog earlier and saw there hasn't been any updates. So, I am glad to hear your surviving babies are doing well. I really don't have any good advice...sorry. What kept me going was seeing Jaxon's sweet face everyday. Although I know on the bad days I still wanted to scream. I hope that your bad days are few and that your babies will be home soon.

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

Jessica:

Been there, done that. It is terrible, and my heart joins with your's in this. It may help you, though, to begin a countdown chart. Your babies were born at 29 weeks, and you have been in the NICU for 7 weeks -- so, they are now at 36 weeks. This means that you have a fairly realistic hope of taking babies home in the next four weeks. In other words, you are more than halfway through this horrible journey.

Spend as much time as you can with your babies. That really comforted me greatly. Also, if you can identify the things that remind you of the day you lost Hadley, it is possible that you could get your primary nurse to help you to eliminate some of those things. I know that the NICU nurses are generally very concerned about the mothers and will do as much as they can to help you on this.

You are in my prayers for a smooth journey through the NICU and a fast trip home with your babies.

Fondly,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA

You asked a good question. My survivors were born a month ago today so 4 wks in the NICU. My So works swing and we have his three yr old son, so it has been hard to see them everyday. When I don't go I call. At times I am afraid of what will happen. I am so afraid I will crack if I lose another one. The last family meeting we had it sounded like the dr was asking us if we wanted to end our sons life because he may come home on a ventilator, but we don't know what will happen. We meet with a neurologist tomorrow to find out of Christian will be able to function due to his brain bleed. As the blood reabsorbs it is leaving a cyst full of fluid instead of brain mass and his brain is shrinking. Last week Brennan had a 50/50 chance of surviving the next couple of days.I don't know about you but I feel like I am in a living hell. I want to bring my babies home and it feels like it will never happen. I see the other babies there and think will my baby ever be that size. I see babies in the area where Alex's bed was and feel sad and right now his brother is in the room where we held him for the last time. I think we are strong mothers and will survive. How are your babies doing? I hope they are doing well.

I feel the same as you, that I will crack if anything else terrible happens... many days I still feel like I may crack from the loss of Hadley. The babies are doing okay but neither is picking up on bottle feeding very well so, although it has been 8 weeks now, it will probably be a while longer. I really can't stand watching others take care of them all the time, especially watching them get bottle fed, it's torture. McKenna's bleed is beginning to resolve now so she will not need a shunt but we will not know if it has caused any damage for a quite a while.

I know exactly how you feel about seeing other babies where ours once were. There are so many painful memories there.

How are your little ones doing? I hope things are getting better. How many weeks are they now?

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com

What grade was your bleed? Christian just had his PDA closed surgically today and has picked up 6 ounces. Brennan is always pissy and still under two pounds he has picked some weight. He is on steroids because they think his drenal glands may be damaged. His toes were blue for about a week but are better now. Both his feet are messed up do to no fluid. Are you pumping and having any luck. I get only a minimal amount of milk and the lacatation nurse recommended some medication. She says she is surprised I am have any milk at all given the stress I have had.

Just remember that it's the absolute best, safest place for your babies to be right now. I remember feeling like that after we lost Spencer, but it was even more important to me that the other two were getting the best care possible so they could be strong and healthy. Also, it kind of comforted me to be in the only place Spencer had ever lived. I was surprised at how hard it was when the babies were discharged. I freaked out and cried all the way home because I was leaving the only 'home' Spencer had ever known. I don't know if that helps or not, but try to find the positives about the NICU...

Amanda,

It's funny you mentioned how hard it was to leave the NICU because, as we get closer to the babies coming home, I have been thinking about how hard it will be to never come back to the last place we were able to see our daughter. As much as I want to leave there I know it will hit me hard when we finally do.

How are all of you doing at home?

Jessica

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com

We are doing really well at home. The babies are great! People warned me how sad I'd get once we were home, and they're right. I always know and feel like something, someone is missing.
I did go back to the NICU the other day to visit a friends' triplets, and it was so nice to see the nurses and doctors again. I brought pictures and they loved it. It was harder than I thought, though, going back there after being home. It's such a weird feeling, the way I feel about the NICU - like you said, it's the last (and only) place we saw our baby, and it's a dichotomy because you're so happy to take the survivors out of there, yet there's so much memory and attachment to it... It's hard.
I feel for you, and I understand. For me, leaving there with my 2 babies was the saddest thing ever, even though that doesn't make sense to most people. It made it really, really real that there are only 2. I know there's no way to prepare yourself and nothing that can make it easier, but I do understand and will be thinking of you! Please update.

Oh Amanda..my heart goes out to you. We have been there....sleeping at night glued to our cell phones waiting for that horrible NICU number to show up in the middle of the night. It is hard...but it gets better. We were there with a few more scares, nothing too serious with our other two. We were finally discharged after 2 mos. The hardest part is homecoming. Someone on this site warned me and told me to deal with Corbin's death before the other two came home. I did not listen to her advice and wish i did. Post partum was bad. I reccomend seeing someone right away..a counselor, someone at your church if you are religious or a loss group. it has helped me immensly. Be there for your other two...hold their tiny hands, sing to them...you are their mommy and they need you as hard as it is. You are probably numb..and i understand and am here if you need me. my heart goes out to you and your family.

BGB trips born on 5/10/06 at 29 weeks,1 day.

Abby, Dylan and our special angel, Corbin.

Corbin, you are always in our thoughts and we miss you deeply.