This year it has hit me late and much less strong.

But, four years ago yesterday was probably the last time my baby Carina was alive, and four years ago today I was told that she was no longer. Tomorrow, Caidan and Caeleigh turn four years old.

It never stops hurting, but it does get easier for those of you who are new to this walk. Still, it leaves me wanting to cry.

This morning I told Caeleigh that we would be baking birthday cakes tonight -- not one, but two. Caeleigh said, "We need to bake a cake for Carina, too." And, I agreed. So, I'm leaving my office now to bake three birthday cakes. One will have pirates and a pirate ship on it; one will have a large balerina and many small ones; and, a third will have Snow White and the seven dwarfs. A pink cake; a white cake and a chocolate.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. It breaks my heart. And now I am crying.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA

It WARMS my heart to know that Caeleigh wants to share her day with Carina. I know it's bittersweet....Carina should be there in body too

I always love it when my DS wants to include/remember his twin. I respect his wishes not to, like bringing him up at school (I think he's afraid he'll get sad and cry in front of other kids). But privately, at home, he insists and I love that.

Hugs to you today and tomorrow. I hope the delight that Caidan and Caeleigh have will rub off on you a bit.

MonsterMom6
10 year old ^b^ b twins @ 30w5d (1 survivor) and
8 year old gggg quads @ 32w0d

Dear Cat,

It's not my place to tread on this board but something led me here tonight. I must have known you needed the wisps of sympathy and support I could will your way. I cannot even imagine losing and not being able to get to know one of my trio; but I think I feel a little twinge of your pain every time I read your sig line.

Four years is a blink, but it's also must be an eternity when you suffer a loss of a child.

The three cakes sound absolutely perfect. Happy birthday to Caiden, Caeleigh and your guardian angel Carina.

Hugs,

Ellyn, the three little Z's(bbb 4/12/02), two littler S's(gb 7/22/04)
and seven other siblings(yes, that's 12!!)

http://lilypie.com>

http://lilypie.com>[/i

Ellyn: You are a dear friend, and I appreciate your note.

Today has been tougher than I had anticipated it would be. We wound up with a pink cake (Caeleigh) a chocolate cake (Caidan) and a yellow iced cake (Carina). The kids each got to help me decorate their own cake -- well, except Carina, of course. I decorated her's the way I thought she'd like it, complete with four pink candles.

Yesterday late afternoon I told them that they had best enjoy being three and cherish it with all of their hearts because they would never again be three years old -- when they woke up this morning, they would be four! They were thrilled with this and while we were in the restaurant at Sizzler's with my Dad, they went around and proudly announced this fact to any number of people. They were so cute and friendly about it that people seemed to enjoy the interruption, and invariably asked, "Oh, are you twins?" And my dear little ones would say, "No. We're triplets." In fact, they've gotten so used to the question that comes next that they now respond,

"No. We're triplets, but our sister Carina lives with God." Then Caidan solemnly clarifies this by saying, "She's dead." And, Caeleigh jumps in and adds, "But when Jesus comes back, we'll all get to live together again. We're baking a cake for her birthday, too!"

This afternoon I pulled some baby pictures to take to pre-school for their bulletin board and found the picture of my three babies together. I'm weepy and sad, but not in that horrible knifed way that used to hit.

Thank you all for being here. It helps to know that there are people who understand and share their love. Ellyn, that includes you.

Fondly,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA

Cat,

I've been thinking of you all day.

Happy Birthday tomorrow to your Trio...in Heaven and on Earth.

Love,
Erika

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks
http://survivingtripletsandteens.blogspot.com

Happy birthday babies - though they aren't such babies anymore.

So sweet that Caeleigh thinks of and wants to include her sister. Though my boys talk of their brother, they don't include him in this way.

I hope that they had a nice birthday and that you thoroughly enjoyed all THREE cakes, they sound wonderful and precious.

Take care,

Marie

I took the kids to a special arena to begin soccer lessons last night as their main birthday present. They were given water bottles and drawstring bags, and after their lesson they got two helium balloons each and a card with some "Kicker Dollars" to spend there. They were thrilled with soccer and did such a good job following directions -- unlike my initial soccer fiasco with Caidan!!

It was amazing to me that both of them were enormous compared to the other children -- who were mostly 3 year olds. My kids are among the tallest in their class at pre-school and everyone in their class is nearly a year older than them. I was astounded when a five year old in the next field, who was tall for his age, was the same height as Caidan. Yikes. To think that they were so tiny at birth. Who'd have thought, huh?

We went to Del Taco after and got tacos for supper and shared Carina's birthday cake while we were there. We sang "happy birthday" three times and ate cake and shared cake with a couple of other people there. It was a really special celebration.

The day went better than I would have expected several years back, and still caught me by surprise at my level of distractibility during the work day. This grief thing is very difficult.

For everyone else not this far along in the journey, please know that things get better with time. The heavy hits get fewer and farther between, and even the heaviness of the hit gets briefer and a little less biting. It never really goes completely away, but it does become a part of the fabric of your life and, in some strange way, simply becomes a part of who you are and manageable. I pray that everyone here may come to that peace and understanding as soon as possible and that you may be comforted in the meantime.

Love,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA

Cat,

I hope the birthday went well. What an amazing mama you are! So many people just want to go on like nothing because the pain is too strong. I think some think it is easier just to pretend like everything is okay. It is so awesome that Caidan & Caeleigh remember their sister. Much love to you all.

Check us out at:
http://thewrighttrips.blogspot.com/

Isabel, Jasper & Jonah were born on July 1, 2006

And my twin angels in heaven ~
Olivia Layne - 2/13/05
Elijah Cain - 2/13/05

I had someone tell me last week that Carina's life will touch all kinds of lives -- that she has a ministry -- through the memory that Caidan and Caeleigh preserve. I had never thought of it this way before, but it is true. I continue to miss having her here with me, but hearing them tell others about her and about being together again gives me great joy.

For me, it would hurt worse not to acknowledge her existence than to acknowledge that she was and is, and have her woven into the fabric of our lives.

The birthday went well, and we are having our birthday party this Saturday. Setting it out later in January has also helped, and I find that I'm looking forward to it this time.

Thank you for your support. All of you are truly awesome.

I know that God doesn't just give triplets to anyone -- He chooses very carefully. But, I'm even more strongly convinced that when triplet babies come home to Him, His heart is broken with our's and that He uses this to His glory if we will allow Him to comfort us and walk with us through our grief.

And, again, for those who are suffering recent losses, whether they are triplet losses, twin losses, or losses of other children (yes, you, too, Lori), please be assured that the grief journey gets easier with time.

Love,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA

Cat, reading your post brings tears to my eyes and an ache in my heart. Our trio would have been 4 years old this week....I love your words about God and it gives me a renewed sense of hope. I have been blessed again with triplets who just turned 2 this past December, and my heart still yearns for what could have been.

Thank you for your inspirational post and thank you for being a beacon of hope to all who visit this section of TC.

I, without ever meeting Carina, have placed her in a special place in my heart and I am ever so thankful to her mum Cat for keeping her memory alive and inspiring those who have lost their way.

My best to you Cat and sweet Carina.

Amanda

Time may make it easier to get by each day but we never forget. God bless all of you today and everyday.

Jane
Anna/Emma/John/^James^ (9/24/03-9/29/03) 26 wkers
In memory of my beloved Emma 9/24/03 - 1/19/07
www.snanimals.com
www.jlperillo.etsy.com (my etsy shop)
http://snanimals.blogspot.com (my blog)