I went to my regular doctor today to get my disability extended. I absolutely can't deal with going back to work right now; it's too soon. I'm having a hard time dealing with the loss of Spencer; it seems to be getting worse rather than better. As my other two grow and thrive, it hurts to know that Spencer is missing. Plus, he and Levi were identical, so I wonder if Spencer would look like Levi now. It's funny to look at him, the big chunky baby he's become, because I never would have imagined he'd look like this. They were such tiny little babies in the NICU, so I wonder if my tiny Spencer would be so big now, too...
But anyway, point is that my doc suggested antidepressants (Lexapro). He said I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder on top of the grief and depression. I'm a mess, but I hate to rely on something to get through it. I feel like maybe I just really need to go through this and feel it all, but part of me isn't sure, maybe I do need the help. He said the stress and sorrow will affect my other babies. Has anyone here taken antidepressants after a loss, and what are your opinions? I know everyone is different, but I'm just looking for input. Thanks.

I have been on Zoloft since Jaxon died. It has definitely done wonders. It is considered the "lite" anti-depressant. I did reduce my own dose 2 months ago as I am trying to get off of it because we are ttc again and it has been tough. I don't care what people say there withdrawal symptoms and addicting. I definitely need and want that larger dose.

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

I think it is a good idea for you to get on something. I take Zoloft. I didn't take it after my babies died, but I suffered from PPD after my triplets & I started it then. I've been on it for a year and a half.

This is a traumatic thing you are going thru & I think if this medicine helps, than try it. It won't make you numb. You will still have feelings but you will be able to cope better. I've heard good things about Lexapro. Best wishes & peace & love.

Check us out at:
http://thewrighttrips.blogspot.com/

Isabel, Jasper & Jonah were born on July 1, 2006

And my twin angels in heaven ~
Olivia Layne - 2/13/05
Elijah Cain - 2/13/05

Hi

My triplets were born in September 06 and we lost one of our boys in May O7. It has been extremely tough at times and I agree it does seem to get worse rather than better. Everytime I've been to my GP, they've recommended anti depressants but I feel if I don't really deal with the issue in the long term I'm sure I'll feel alot worse. Instead, I go to see a counsellor once a week which again is very very tough but works wonders. Have you considered this? My partner and his mother have both been on antidepressants and I've seen them in a real mess so I guess that's put me off too.
My personal opinion is that grief is an entirely natural healing process that we need to experience in order to cope in the long term.
I hope I haven't offended anyone, I certainly wouldn't begrudge anyone taking antidepressants if they feel that's right for them.
Good luck.

Amanda,
My heart breaks for you. I have two identicals, and although no one can answer your question about Spencer, I doubt he would look that much like Levi. I would imagine Spencer would have had a different weight, a different personality, and would have done things at different times than Levi.
I took Zoloft after one of my losses (prior to triplets). I couldn't cope and it was starting to show up in my inability to function normally. Even things like getting a shower or going to the grocery store were monumental tasks. Please, Amanda, don't let it get that far with small children to take care of.
My doc recommended Zoloft (this was before Lexapro came out). I swore as I took it that it was doing nothing. I still sobbed and still lived pre-occupied with thoughts of the baby. But after a number of months passed, I looked back and realized that it DID help. The best way I can describe it is that it helped me to focus on the big stuff and let the small stuff go. My doc prescribed 6 months of it, and said we'd reevaluate then. We decided I'd come off of it then, so I weaned down for one more month, so 7 months total.
After the triplets, I had some post-partum depression and my doc prescribed Lexapro. Once again, it was a 6 month prescription, and I came right off of it then. It seems to be a more calming, anti-anxiety type of drug, whereas the Zoloft was a revving anti-depression kind of drug for me.
I think that as long as you've considered the side effects, you could do a 6 month trial run and see how it does.
The important thing here is that you take care of you, so that you can, in turn, take care of the babies.

Trish

Honey,

This grief thing is awful, isn't it?

If your doctor is recommending Lexapro, I would go with a brief trial. Being on an anti-depressant for a short time can help alter your chemical balances -- sometimes depression reprograms our chemistry in a manner that makes it nearly impossible to bounce back. Also, it softens things sufficiently for us to deal with our grief in a more productive manner while balancing the other requirements of daily life.

There's nothing wrong with taking medication to help you get over the hump. Grief is a major thing to deal with, and having an identical as a constant reminder probably complicates the process for you. I would also take the time to talk with a counselor if this is something that is becoming problematic for you. Quite frankly, though, it seems to me that you are probably right on track in your grieving -- it's just the world that does not recognize how long this process requires.

Hang in there. We've got your back.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA

Although my Brennan is still very small, I know I will wonder if Alex would have been like him as he was his twin. As far a the antidepressant goes I have been on prozac off and on for depression and anxiety. I went back on it in 05 when my grandma died and it was God send when my granddad died in 06 six months later. I went off of it when I thought I was pregnant. The doctor would like me to go back on it but I am not sure if we can afford for me to be on it. Just remember any medication can take 4 to 6 weeks to kick in and you may have side effects. If is does not work for you there are many more you can try that works for you. Make sure to look up info on it. It will tell you what is does and what side effects to expect. I also believe lexapro is a newer medication. We must do what we can to keep going and there is no shame in it.

Our little angel
^Alex Joseph^ (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew
Christian Jacob

"
Big brother Justin 8

Amanda,

You will always wonder and miss the "twin-ness" of the boys. That won't go away, and at times will be harder as they get older (MEric and Levi were ID too)

There are many aspects of a triplet loss/ raising surviving triplets. Yours is compounded as it is a twin loss also, and you will one day have to come to terms with that. My heart aches for you.
The anti depressants can't hurt, and definately can help, but I urge you to also contact a therapist and schedule regular sessions. If the first that you visit isnt a good fit (and you'll know) you will need to switch to another.

The best thing we can have during our grieving is support. You have that here, but you do need other support also.

Email me again, (I have talked to you before by email). I will give you my phone number, and you can call me any time.

Take care, hon. It is wonderful to know that your survivors are doing so well, but please also understand that you will still be sad even while rejoicing in their accomplishments.

It's a long road.
Take Care,
Erika

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks
http://survivingtripletsandteens.blogspot.com

Amanda,

I haven't been on line in a while. But I wanted to support you in your efforts to feel better. Everyone is very right,
1) grief is normal and you are grieving very normally
But there are times that antidepressants can help when the grief is impairing your ability to function

2) Antidepressants can help you to see things more clearly, they can help ease the racing thoughts, extreme sadness, loss of appitite, loss of energy, poor sleep, feeling hopeless, helpless, irritability, but may not stop these things completely and may have some minor side effects.
3) Its possible to change your brain chemistry to be less depressed after taking antidepressants but doesn't always happen.
4) it does take up to a month to start working and it may take a few different tries of different antidepressants to find the right one.
5) you are able to feel but it does mask the hurth and pain that is why,


In addition to antidepressants I would really encourage you to get into grief therapy, group or individual and if you do have PTSD Posttraumatic stress disorder there is another therapy called EMDR that really helped me after losing my triplets.

EMDR seems strange at firt but it really worked for me. It uses talk therapy and eye movement therapy to reduce the intense feelings associated with certain memories. For me it was watching my Steven Jr. being given CPR to seeing him suffer as they tried to get him to breathe, watching each one of my triplets die was so very traumatic. I was having nightmares and a lot of anxiety. It only took a few sessions of EMDR to help me cope with these memories.

I have been in regular therapy for a year now and for me it has helped tremendously. I have many friends, my husband, and family to talk to but sitting with my therapist and really feeling the loss and hurt that I usually try to hold in or manage during the week or two that I don't see her, has helped me to heal. I think much faster than if I wasn't in therapy. If you want to talk more about it please email me and I will give you my number ruv1@adelphia.net

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

I recently started ( Dec 07) taking Lexapro after my sister died after giving birth triplets. I found myself distraught in grief, not knowing how to go on. I would get thru the days but then I would hit a really bad low, sort of a crashing. I would then be crying, hyperventallating, and having a panic attack. I have taken a leave from work, a short term disability. My sister died on Dec 2nd, I took leave on Dec 19th and I am facing going back to work on Feb 11th. A big part of me is still not ready. I do notice if I forget to take the Lexapro I get very weepy all day. It has helped level out things for me, it doesn't make you feel drugged to the point that you don't care. I will say it takes 3 weeks to get the Lexapro in your system and working, so don't give up on it too soon. Grief is a long complicated process. I also go to counseling weekly and a Grief Share "class" that works thru grief. My heart goes out to you.

Lisa
Auntie to BBB 11/29/07
Their mamma is an angel in heaven

Lisa,

I know either situation absolutely sucks - mom or babies dying. However, as a mother who almost died due to congestive heart failure...I would've switched places with my children in an instant. I would've died for them without a moments hesitation. I am sure your sister felt the same way. HUGS.

Rachel

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

Amanda,

How are you doing? I have so many of the same thoughts and feelings you do. Sometimes it is so hard to watch McKenna grow because she has changed so much that she doesn't look like how I remember her sister to be anymore. I feel guilty too because I know I should be happy watching our kids grow but sometimes all it brings is sadness.

Did you decide on meds? I can't decide what to do with myself, I don't have time for a therapist although I'm sure that would help. I am just so stuck in all the grief.

I wish that none of us had this pain. I hope you are doing okay.

Jessica

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com

I feel the same as Brennan gets bigger, I often wonder if Alex would be developing the same. I am coping as well as expected but I still get asked if I want therapy and meds but I don't have time for the therapy and can't afford the meds.I got medi-cal to cover my pregnancy but they won't let me use it for treatment. I think it sucks. I am sure I will have to break down and get meds sooner or later.

Our little angel
^Alex Joseph^ (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew
Christian Jacob

"
Big brother Justin 8

Just an update, if anyone still reads this post:
I did start taking the meds and noticed a difference. I definitely felt less sad, but that kind of freaked me out. I don't want to just numb myself and ignore my grief. A voice in the back of my head was telling me I need to feel it, go through it, deal with it. Plus, they made me really unmotivated and somewhat lethargic, which doesn't work so well with 2 babies and a house to take care of. I'd find myself just sitting in a chair staring off into space and not minding that I had a zillion things to do. So I stopped taking them, and after a few days of crazy mood swings, I feel back to myself. Definitely sad, but that's okay with me right now.
I didn't go to my therapy appt, either. The day of came and I freaked out; just not ready to talk about it with strangers yet. Maybe down the road, but not yet.

Thanks for everyone's comments.

The meds you took probably were not the right ones for you and I understand about not wanting to talk to strangers.

Our little angel
^Alex Joseph^ (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew
Christian Jacob

"
Big brother Justin 8

Hi

I came on here to have to look to see what you decided to do. After I posted saying 'don't do it' - I've hit a brick wall myself and have been seriously considering taking them. It's 10 months since we lost our son James and I too am finding it harder, watching his ID twin Alexander grow and change is such a bittersweet experience, he's such a beautiful boy but it makes me so sad for his brother James.

I can understand that the last thing you need is to feel unmotivated and lethargic on top of what we have to deal with!

I hope one day you'll be able to face going to therapy, all in your own time.

I wish you the very best of luck

Kerri x Ps I had a look at your website, your babies are beautiful.