Since the loss of Joseph at 19 weeks, I haven't posted for a while. I've going through a lot. I had my gallbladder taken out last Thursday..I was so happy at the thought of dying and seeing my babies. I was actually disappointed when I came to the first thing I told the nurse was "I need pain meds!" the second thing was "I can't believe I didn't get to see my babies." I cried. I really hoped I could either die or just spend some time with them while I was under. No such luck!

Then the next day I'm in pain and my mother and brother come to visit. My brother reluctently announces that his 17 year daughter is pregnant!! First, I love her to death and she is such a beautiful young girl.. But crap, why?? Does she get to have a baby? I told my brother "I'll take it!" I know that wasn't a good thing to say but what the hell. My mom and brother were very understanding and said she first wanted an abortion then they all talked and she is keeping the baby. I lost it!!!

I started bawling and went up stairs. I felt so much pain and grief.. the thought of her having a baby shower being so young with this beautiful baby and here I've lost four!!! I mean she was already accepted to three different Universities and she attended CalPoly High School with college classes and now her whole future is changed because she gets to have a baby.

I know its selfish and unrealistic of me to think that they would give us the baby but I'm am just so upset. I don't know anything. I don't if I want to try again or what. Sorry so long.

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

Raquel,
I am sorry that you are hurting so much. I think that your hurt and anger is justifiable. When we were TTC I always wondered why God let young teens get pregnant but not me. I never understood why we had to go through so much pain and suffering. Then, when we finally did get pregnant God just came and took her from us without warning. I learned in the end that some times he takes on journeys that we don't want to be taken on but in the end we apprecite it when we finally receive what we longed for. The fact that you were so willing to take the baby says that you still want to be an earthly mother. Maybe you do already know what you want but you just need to take some time to heal emotionally. You have been through heck and back. Take care of yourself, be good to yourself, and recover from this surgery. I truly believe that God will guide when the time is right. I am sorry that you had to go through a surgery. I hope you have a speedy recovery. Don't beat yourself up over how you feel. It's OK to feel angry and upset.

Deborah Mom to BBB Born at 25 Weeks 1 Day 04/21/05
Austin 1 pound 8 ounces
Braedon 1 pound 11 ounces
Caysen 1 pound 13 ounces

http://loveourabc.blogspot.com

http://lilypie.com>http://b3.lily

i definitely know what you mean about feeling like you want to die just to see your babies. but i know its different for me. i still have one fighting in the nicu that i need to be strong for. but sometimes the need to see my eli and lily is so strong...its really hard.
i am praying that you find relief or hope...or whatever it is that will get you thru. i have several friends right now who are pregnant and it so hard for me to be happy for them. they have no idea...

Raquel,

I am sooo sorry you are dealing with this now too. I am also sorry I have been a bit out of touch. It has been a very hard few months. Always thinking of you...

Rachel

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

Hi Rachel,

thanks so much for your support and don't worry about being out of touch. You have to take care of yourself first and you are such a giving person. I think about you all the time and hope time is healing the hole in your heart. Although we will always have a hole in our heart for our precious babies. I have been doing better since the year mark. This pregnancy has set me back a bit but I refuse to give up on hope. Oh, by the way now my brother says it was a false alarm. Why tell me then??? I'm wondering if she terminated the pregnancy? My first thought is sure kill the baby instead of giving it to me!!! But I know it is out of my control and I am sure she is hurting right now. I have to take care of me first. Love you...

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

I am so very sorry.

You will see your dear babies again, but now is not the time. I know that God will give you the desires of your heart and that you will have earthly children. I will continue to pray for this for you.

I hope that you're feeling better.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA

Im so sorry you are going through this, It is really sooo difficult when someone you know is pregnant, and going through the pregnancy, birth and all the "normal" things everyone else goes through and wonder "why wasnt it the same for me". And then you feel guilty about being jelous. I think only we understand, its ok and human to feel like that, dont beat yourself for it.

Monique
Mom to 26.5wk triplets, born 09/14/06
^Nicole^
^Daniel^
Nathalie