i feel embarrassed to be asking this, but was just curious if anyone felt like im feeling...

i was wondering if you've lost more than one if you find yourself grieving differently for each child. i didnt really get to know my lily. i was pretty out of it from the pain meds from my csection and only got to see her for a few moments in the NICU and then right before she passed away 6 hours later for her baptism and holding her while she died in my arms. but eli was with us for 24 days. we got to make eye contact and take lots of pictures. we got to see him cry and put our hands on his little fuzzy head and warm back. i wonder if he was scared or felt sick or lonely. if he knew we were there or knew he was loved. with lily, i feel like i mainly mourn the fact that i didnt get to experience at least that with her.

i dont know...i just feel almost guilty sometimes for the different ways i feel about each of my lost babies. im just overwhelmed, sad, heartbroken...you all know what i mean. i wonder how i will ever get to a new 'normal'. will i cry everyday for the rest of my life?

Hi sweetie: I am so sorry for your lost. I had my share...I don't think the pain ever goes away, but it does gets easier. I find that I grieved differently for eveyone of my angels, but I also love all of my kids differently (not more, not less) just differently. Please don't feel guilty... we all deal with situations in different ways and thats just how you do. It will get better.
Ivy

http://dn.daisypath.com/5b6Im

I understand what you are saying, you are going through so MANY emotions, it is difficult to really understand what each one is. I remember that when Daniel passed away, it was all blurry from the pain meds, all the information at once, I was numb. I think I just accepted it. When we got our "family reunion" with Nicolle, I didnt accept it, I was hopeful, I thought that she was going to make it, I believed that God wouldnt let two of my children pass away. It hurt soo much more, but I dont believe it was because I loved Daniel less, it was that I relived both of their deaths with Nicolle.

right now you are going through a very difficult time, please dont judge your emotions at this time, just live them, dont feel bad about any of them.

And yes, you will stop crying some day, when you are ready. I remember I asked my husband when Nicolle had just passed away that if we would ever be happy again, and as hard as it is to imagine it, we have had moments of happiness. At first I felt guilty about laughing because I thought I didnt deserve it after loosing my babies, but Thank God I have learned how to laugh or smile again without feeling guilty. I dont think you will ever be the same, but you will be a better person.

Monique
Mom to 26.5wk triplets, born 09/14/06
^Nicole^
^Daniel^
Nathalie

Just wanted to let you know that you are totally normal. I lost my Sohpia first and I really think losing my only daughter hit me hardest, in some way. I totally miss my sons but the loss of Sophia is different. I don't think I loved her more. I'm not sure if it was cause she was the first to go and it was unexpected. They had told me Xavier wasn't going to make it and I was not expecting Sophia to take a turn for the worst. Possibly cause she was my only daughter and I had so many dreams for us, well for all of us. Its been a little over a year and I don't cry everyday but I sure feel sad and miss them everyday. I also have waves of grief that hit me pretty hard still. I'm thinking maybe in five years it will hurt less. But, I don't know. Just hold on..one day at a time. God Bless and big hug. Love

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

i wonder too if thats why eli hit me so hard...he was my only son. and you are right..its not that you loved that one "more"...just differently. after i first found out the sexes of my babies, i had a dream that when i brought them home, there were just two, a boy and a girl. so when lily passed, i thought some how i was safe because i had had that dream and that meant that my other two would come home with me. eli's death came quickly and as a surprise as well. i still cry nearly every day, but i suppose day by day its getting a little better. delilah is still in the nicu though and i know this will all hit me again when she comes home and im bringing home only one to a house and heart that was prepared for three.