Steve and I decided to try again after losing baby Joseph. My Peri, told me to wait at least three months. So here we go again. We thought we would do two trials and see how it goes with complete bed rest, cerclage, and all the other precautions. Well as of today I am not pregnant after the first try and now I feel so hopeless. I am so tiered of feeling this way. The moments of hope seem to get crushed at every turn. Two days ago I went to water the babies plants and clean their headstone. After pulling out of the entrance the police pulled me over and said I was speeding??? I was already crying and told him I just looked at my speed and I was only going 30 in a 25 zone. He said he clocked me at 39. Anyway, I started yelling and crying, and told him how dare he and his partners sit outside a cemetary preying on the grieved. I refused to sign and he threatend to take me to jail. I was yelling at him saying do you think I care about going to jail, I have nothing...all my babies are dead! He actually called another office to arrest me! I swear....I really felt I was going crazy, losing my mind, arguing a police officer. I really thought I was going to be on the news. I was so hysterical. I finally signed a line on the stupid ticket and they let me go. Its just everything has continued to go wrong. My niece actually offered to be a surrogate. And my sister flipped out!! This all happened the day before. I cried and was upset at my sister, I told her I never want to speak to her again. I've been off my prozac cause of trying again. I think that is a big reason why I flipped. Plus I just feel like I keep getting kicked and kicked. I'm so pisst off!!! I hope you all don't think I'm a nut job. So, thanks to those who understand my crazy behavior and thanks for reading my rant!!!

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

Oh hun...I am so sorry. As for being a nut job...you can put me in that category too! I understand the feeling of a BFN after ttc again as I have already had three. It really does mess with your head even more and makes the BFN so much more with our loss. I hope your sister gets her act together. I can't believe she said no to her daughter doing it. I asked my sister to be a surrogate for me and she said no...it really does hurt.

Many hugs my friend...I understand everything completely!

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

Fertility is such a twisted road, and even worse after such an enormous loss. Each BFN is another loss -- the loss of a possible child, the loss of hope, the loss of money, a feeling like you are chasing a dream you will never have, a feeling like maybe you weren't "meant to" be a parent.

Yeah and the more tense you get the more difficult to get pregnant -- argh!! It's a sick demented road to chase. But we have to decide if we would rather chase that dream or give up. Each choice is right -- you just need to decide if it's right for you.

I SO understand your rant to the officer. I launch a similar attack on a pair of nurses -- although, mine more closely mirrored scene from "The Exorcist" minus the head spinning. If you want to challenge the ticket there are a few of us SoCal loss moms who are attorneys who might be willing to step in and represent you (so you don't break down in front of the judge).

Your prozac-less-ness isn't likely to blame for this, though -- it SO goes with grieving.

Even if the judge doesn't forgive you for the cop confrontation -- please work on forgiving yourself. Your fault, sure. Understandable, YOU BET!

I am so sorry about your sister freaking out about the surrogacy thing. It was an incredibly generous thing of your niece to offer.

My thoughts and babydust follow you for attempt #2 when you are ready.

^West Rogers^, ^Keaton Edward^, ^Rebecca Joy^ 1/6/04



Missing their sister ^Maria Jose^ 4/7/04-5/10/04

Thank you both so much for the support. You both are such a constant in my life of turmoil. I look back on what happened and I thank God I didn't take off like my mind was telling me too. I so wanted to just take off and leave the cop behind. My husband has warned me about Claremont Police circling the cemetery and he was right. Now the unfortunate thing is that I am really scared to go there alone. I truly was not speeding. I had just exited the cemetery and stopped at the stop sign. I just think Claremont Police are notorous for stopping Hispanic people for stupid things like not using their signal light.

Anyway, my niece is 26 yrs old and she called to tell me that her mother cannot tell her what to do. She also said that she had been wanting to this for me for a very long time. She is determined to be my surrogate. She is awesome! Now my husband is very worried that if we do this my sister and her husband will contest in some way and we will have a legal battle on our hands. After this incident, he thinks we should just give up. I am almost at that point too. I decided to try one more time for myself and then do the surrogacy....A part of me is so tiered. Again, thank you so much! Sometimes, I just don't know who to turn to. Thank God I have you, who have walked/ walking in my shoes. Sincerely, grateful.

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

Raquel:

I didn't realize you were in Claremont. I'm in Alta Loma. If you need help with the ticket, please give me a call. I'll send my info PM.

As for the surrogacy stuff, it's one of the things that I handle in my law office. There is nothing that your sister and her husband can do to create a legal battle. Your niece is 26 years old and if she decides to do this for you, I'll help you draw up the papers. The baby would be your baby and your husband's baby, and the surrogacy would be one of the kindest and most generous gifts that anyone could ever give. I will be praying that this works out for you.

As for the police officers: They had that one coming. How dare them? And, if you want to fight the ticket, I'll go out and we'll measure the distances. The biggest obstacle that I see to this is that you claim that you were, in fact, speeding if you were going 30 in a 25 zone. I suspect that you weren't going that fast. Let me know about that, okay? In any event, we can certainly leave the Claremont Police with a bit of egg on their faces and maybe they'll stop this awful practice.

Hang in there.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

http://b3.lilypie.com/bDA

Raquel,

I'm sorry this is happening. I want to tell you to not give up! I will give you my story in hopes that you will find hope.

The day I delivered & said goodbye to my Elijah & Olivia, is the day I knew I wanted to go thru the process again. I remember when we found out we were pregnant with the twins, I said, "oh good...I never want to go thru in-vitro again." Welp, my world came crashing down & I knew I would do in-vitro again in a heartbeat...sign me up, give me my shots, & I'm ready!

I, too, asked my doctor when we could start the process again. My babies died in Feb. & I believe we started in-vitro again in July. We started our first cycle...and had to stop in the middle because my period was messed up. We started the 2nd cycle...and had to stop because I had a cyst on my ovarie. We finally made it thru the third cycle...only to find out we weren't pregnant. I was devestated. I expected to be pregnant because with my twins, everything worked on the first cycle.

In the process of the 3rd cycle, we were able to freeze 4 embryos. So, we decided to go for it. The doctor said the chances were less because of them being in the frozen state. Three of the embryos were still 7 celled (I think?) & one was not good. They put all 3 back hoping that one would take. Guess What? Three took! I was pregnant with triplets.

I was referred to a wonderful peri who dealt with high risk pregnancies. At 10 weeks, he put in a cerclage. At 20 weeks, I went on bedrest at home because my cervix was funneling above the stitch. At 23 1/2 weeks, I was put on hospital bedrest. I was scared. Everything crept into my mind..."what if these babies die...what if my stitch breaks & it's all over?" I was put on 3 grams of magnesium sulfate & by the grace of God, only had a handful of days where I was sick.

My cervix stayed the same the whole 8 weeks I was in the hospital. At 30 weeks & 6 days, I had contractions 2 minutes apart & I was 90% effaced. My 3 healthy babies were born! They stayed in the NICU for 6 weeks & had no major complications. They will be 2 years old in July & I still can't believe it.

Don't give up hope. Like the PP said, you are still grieving. I know it seems like there is no happy ending, but it can happen. You will never ever forget your angel. I visit mine as much as I can & I think about them everyday. I'm sad they can't be here. Your heart will slowly start to heal.

Please be easy on yourself. Rest, clear your mind & know that it is possible for you to have a baby or babies again. Please PM me if you need to talk.

Check us out at:
http://thewrighttrips.blogspot.com/

Isabel, Jasper & Jonah were born on July 1, 2006

And my twin angels in heaven ~
Olivia Layne - 2/13/05
Elijah Cain - 2/13/05

Oh, how I wish I too could receive such blessings. I fear being in my late 30's limits me and my husband is so worried about my stress and mental health, he is really expressing his desire to stop trying and pursue adoption. I just don't know if I am ready for that. There are days when I feel ready but in my heart, I feel the only solace is my own. We have been trying for more than five years. I'm tiered. I don't know what to do. Thank you so much for sharing cause you bring me hope. I just wish I had more time.

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

Raquel,
I think your feelings are totally and completely normal. Every time we TTC it was a roller coaster. As we all know people can say the most insensitive things. After the loss of our little girl we were back to TTC again. Someone actually in our bible study had the nerve to tell us not to make it "our idol" as in a godly idol. It is so easy for people who already have children to dish out the advice on what you should or shouldn't do. A few weeks later I met a woman who went through 14 cycles of IVF and finally gave birth to a little girl. It was at that moment that I decided that we were going to keep trying until I was an earthly mother. I think you should fight the ticket and bring what ever you need to the court house to prove your case. It is unconscionable that a city would allow it's police officers to capitalize on anyone's grief. Besides, how often do you see people who are grieving driving down the road speeding? Is it even possible? Whatever decision you make will be the best one for you. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do or how you should or shouldn't feel. All of your feelings are perfectly normal. God created women to be mothers if they choose. Why should you be any different? I hope you begin to feel better soon.
Deborah Mom to BBB Born at 25 Weeks 1 Day 04/21/05
Austin 1 pound 8 ounces
Braedon 1 pound 11 ounces
Caysen 1 pound 13 ounces

http://loveourabc.blogspot.com

http://lilypie.com>http://b3.lily

My triplets were born nearly the same gestation as yours. I'm am so happy that you have your precious boys. I see my three little angels in your sweet children. Thank you.

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

Oh Raquel, I really am so sorry. Your post made me cry, I have been there and felt that way. I really can't believe the police gave you a ticket, that is just awful.

And I am sorry that your sister flipped out about your niece. Another thing to have taken from you during all of this. It really is too much and so overwhelming.

I hope you find an answer and that you and your sister work things out (you do need family, especially now.) And God bless your niece for offering. If it is a surrogate you need I pray that you find one and that everything works for you.

You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

Jane
Anna/Emma/John/^James^ (9/24/03-9/29/03) 26 wkers
In memory of my beloved Emma 9/24/03 - 1/19/07
www.snanimals.com
www.jlperillo.etsy.com (my etsy shop)
http://snanimals.blogspot.com (my blog)

I feel that you will get your chance again one day and it is never too late. I was going to suggest that you try a surrogate before you think of adoption as your last resort and I saw your niece offered. I saw a Bringing home baby episode where a sister carried her twins and the sister who did not carry them was able to try to breast feed them. I hope you get to be pregnant again but don't give up hope and keep your options open. You are in my thoughts.

Our little angel
^Alex Joseph^ (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew
Christian Jacob

"
Big brother Justin 8