Ever since we lost Spencer, the grief has changed both my husband and myself. We are on the brink of separating. We are so far away from each other it seems impossible to ever get back. I hate the person the grief has turned me into, and I hate the person it's turned him into. I know the statistics, I know most marriages don't survive something like this. I thought we could be different. How did or do you do it?

Amanda --

You are asking this question on our 8th wedding anniversary, and I can feel your pain because I wondered within the year or so after our loss if we'd see a 5th anniversary.

One big problem we had was realizing that we expressed our grief differently -- he didn't want me to talk about it because he figured if I didn't talk about it I wouldn't think about it and if I didn't think about it I wouldn't feel the pain. I think this is how it works for him.

We would get in fights because I would do stuff that an incredibly depressed, mourning mother would do, and he'd place his anger on the stupid things I would do/say, and it would just blow up from there.

My biggest breakthrough with him came through therapy -- this is where I found out he did care about West, Keaton, and Rebecca; this is where I learned that he screamed in his car almost the entire way to work every day. It wasn't that I felt better that he was feeling bad, it was that I felt better knowing I wasn't the only one who was. I felt my kids were validated in his anger, and I came to understand his rections differently -- as being that of an otherwise unexpressive grieving father.

We agreed that when I asked he would listen to me talk about the babies -- and that I wouldn't think him less of a man for crying (as though I would).

That's our story here 3 years later. They've been great years, and they've been tough years, but I think because we both know we made it through that year after we lost our babies and because we both know that each made accommodations for the other we actually appreciate each other more and are tied more closely together.

Everyone's situation is so different. I hope that you find the way to continue to be together if that is what is best for you and your family. Please feel free to post or email anytime you need to vent or need an ear or need an opinion.

My best thoughts are with you and your family.

Steff

^West Rogers^, ^Keaton Edward^, ^Rebecca Joy^ 1/6/04



Missing their sister ^Maria Jose^ 4/7/04-5/10/04

Amanda-

I am sorry. You are dealing with two different things that are both very hard on a marriage...little ones and grief.

I really struggled with this...my husband poured himself into Samuel and did not want to talk about Lucy and implied that I should be doing the same. Furthermore, while I was grieving I still wanted to be doing things and carrying for Samuel, and when he saw I was having a hard time he would take Samuel somewhere so that I could have some time by myself, which was sometimes nice but sometimes I needed to talk.

However, I realized that like Steff said that it is too painful for him to deal with, and the only way that he knows how to cope is to "stuff it" for lack of a better term. We did not have a memorial servie right away and I did want to have one, but he did not. We went to our pastor to talk about it, and he was very empathatic to him and said that he was not sure if he would want to do it himself, and and he understood where he was coming from, but it was really important to me to do it.

I don't really have any great advice. Most days I would say that our marriage is stronger because we have been through tough times together, however, on a bad day I still have so much sadness that we could not grief together that I feel like things are still falling apart.

My best suggestion is to surround yourself with female friends that you can lean on when those bad grief days that hit unexpectedly but focus on still doing some of those activities together that were the things that you love about him.

Also, I do not know if this is an issue for you, but my DH handles things a lot by thinking about how much more work more children would be...and i know that I would be tearing my hair out most days if I had four two year olds right now, but that grief still accompanies their loss (the loss of my two quads was early).

Hugs,
Jane

Jane

Blessed with a quadruplet pregnancy
Miscarried quads A and D at 10.5 weeks
Lucy Mae (8/1/05-8/4/05) and Samuel were born 8/1/05 at 36.5 weeks after 17 weeks of bedrest!

Amanda,

I am in the same boat as you. DH and I were really close the first few months after the babies came and we lost Hadley. Now, as time has gone on we seem to be on a completely different planet when it comes to grief and moving on with life in general. I am constantly trying to remind myself that everyone grieves differently but that only works to a point. I'm sorry you are going through this, I wish I had some advice, I guess I just wanted to say that you are not alone.

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com

Amanda,

I just wanted to offer my support. Its amazing to me how close my husband and I became after the loss of our triplets. For us its been loss after loss and although we are closer than ever, we have really difficult times. We too have sought therapy. For the past 18 months I have gone individually without missing a session. I need that one person who just listens as I cry and release all my crazy thoughts and feelings. Plus I have been seriously depressed. My husband and I recently went to a joint session because he secretly spent $5,600.00 and did not tell me. He also went to visit his friends in Idaho while I stayed home. I was so upset I didn't know what was going on. Apparently, his grief has been affecting him in ways I didn't know. In session my husband cried, saying that his hobbies is his way of escaping. He spent money and went to Idaho to purchase parts for his old truck. Most of his extra time is spent on his hobbies and I was feeling resentful. I was devistated that he didn't tell me of the purchases and more so about how he was feeling and at the same time, I totally understand. He did invite me to go on the trip with him but I rarely want to do anything. I know I have to change too.

I love my husband with all my heart but there are times that I think he doesn't understand my pain. Then he tells me.. He was there too, and he lost his babies, he watched them die, and he misses them and feels cheated just like I do (he just told me this on Sunday) We continue to grieve separetly, and I try not to ALWAYS talk about it. Because I could talk about it all the time. Yet the days when I am so sad and have to say "WHY CAN'T I HAVE MY BABIES" and ball my eyes out, I know he understands. I think its partly because of going to therapy that we have continued to grow even closer. We have had difficult days of fighting, where I felt that we may not make it. I try to tell myself that it will pass and we will get through it and we do.

I hope you don't give up on your marriage. I don't know if you would be open to therapy, but it really has helped us. I thank God because I don't think I could survive otherwise.

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

Hi
I'll keep it brief as we too have a very long story to tell, but all in all, therapy has saved our relationship too. We go to see a counsellor seperately but that works for us then we talk about it together. It's a really long and painful road but it has helped us keep some sort of sanity.

We lost one of our triplets to a heart defect, he was 8 months old.

I wish you all the very best

Kerri xxx

Thanks, it helps to hear encouraging stories. We started therapy and just got back from our second meeting. It's too early to tell if it's helping. I'm considering going by myself, too. Right after Spencer died, I called some grief counseling places, but just wasn't ready to go. I think maybe I should now. Thanks for the support.

Im so sorry Im answering until now, my computer was in the shop.

I had a very difficult time with my marriage because of the different ways we grieved. I wanted to cry, look at my babies pictures, talk about them, talk to everyone about them, but my husband just shut off. He wouldn't let me cry, I think it made him uncomfortable and he just said "Why are you crying" (it was soo obvious why, I just felt bad every time he asked me about it and we would start fighting, and I would end up telling him that he didnt love our babies like I did and that hurt him too).

Well, I went to counseling and was able to grieve my way with someone else, and understand how he grieved too. I also was taught how to get him to interact with me again, since he totally shut off to me (he would sleep when he was home, he wouldnt want to talk, let alone anything else). But therapy, and lots and lots of prayers, worked.

We are in a very good place now (after 1 year and a half). I truly recommend therapy, it was a marriage saver for me!

Monique
Mom to 26.5wk triplets, born 09/14/06
^Nicole^
^Daniel^
Nathalie

I think loseing Hayden has made my husband and I closer at times. And other times I just want him to go away. Part of that is having other kids that need us and can be stressful. The other part is I let things build up and then I blow up at him. But we are real good about talking about Hayden and how we feel. We have been to some counseling with our pastor but that is it. We cry together and help eachother get through it.

Jaclyn

http://thesheridangang.blogspot.com/