After 10 weeks of bedrest I delivered our triplets at 28w5d on October 9, 2007. Two days later we lost our daughter Hadley after she suffered two pulmonary hemorrhages. My whole delivery day is a blur, I had been having a lot of contractions which was nothing new and was pretty medicated. To make a long story short, the physician we least wanted to deliver the babies was on that night and decided we needed to deliver but was never extremely clear on why. I recently saw my OB and he made a comment about wishing he had been there and could have "made the decisions." So now I am, of course, analyzing everything I can remember about that day and just want more answers about why we needed to deliver, why Hadley had so much more trouble than the other two (she was Baby C and I remember terrible tugging when they tried to get her out), and on and on from there. My question is, how far should I dig? I know nothing will bring her back so what if I don't get answers that I want to hear. My dh thinks I need to leave things be but I just can't seem to let it go. I just can't help but wonder if we could have waited a few days or had a different doctor if things would be different. Any advice?

Thanks,
Jessica

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com

Im so sorry you are going through this... I also went through all the "what ifs" and "whys", I wanted to know why things went like they did, why my three babies suffered such severe brain bleeds at their gestational age (did they put them under more stress than was necessary), why they gave me a drug that caused my babiesīgut perforations, why they didnt warn me about the risks of the medicine so that I could decide if the risks were worth it, why didnt my dr put me on bedrest sooner, why didnt I get a cerclage when I asked for it... the whys and what ifs are endless.

I knew that knowing above answers would not bring my babies back, but I just wanted to know, I wanted answers, I wanted to hold someone accountable for my babiesīdeath. However, it was during this time that I suffered the most, I was restless, not in peace.

I went to therapy and it helped me understand that I did everything in my power to help my babies, I went to the best dr. I knew, went to the best hospital we could (even if we couldnt afford it), and followed the drīs advice. I didnt know better, I did everything I could.

But what helped me the most was to accept the ways things were by trusting God. I dont know if you are a religious person, but trusting God, and that everything was under his control and accepting his will, has given me the peace I needed...I know I couldnt have gone through without him... Before I lost two of my babies, I had gone to a conference were this guy had lost two kids, each time trusting that God would do whatever was best. After the first baby died, and the second was soo sick, his wife kept telling him "where is your God now", and he said, well, He's here, and I dont need to understand in order to believe, I need to believe in order to understand. Boy, this testimony is what got me through it all!

I really hope you find the peace you need, wether by knowing what could have been done differently, or by letting it rest. Youīll be in my prayers...

Monique
Mom to 26.5wk triplets, born 09/14/06
^Nicole^
^Daniel^
Nathalie

That is exactly my problem right now, I do not feel any PEACE with losing Hadley. I just need some sign or explanation that everything that could have been done was done and I can't seem to find it. I know at some point I need to just let it rest. I used to be a religious person but have had a very difficult time with religion since Hadley passed. How did you maintain your faith through it all?

Thanks so much for the email, it is nice to hear from someone who understand.

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com

I also struggled with these same questions and for my own sanity I haven't looked into it. I already still grieve them almost constantly and cry everyday so nothing I learn will make it better...it I feel would only make it worse. When I was in congestive heart failure they told me I needed a scan with something in it my blood stream (don't remember the details) because they thought I might have a blood clot in or near my heart that would kill me and my babies if it moved. So I signed a waiver because no studies have been done on the effect on the fetuses. Well immediately after the scan I was told that they just read my EKG results and we would be deliviering immediately. I so wish they would have read my results prior to that other possibly harmful test. My 24weekers were so sick...I should have had a survivor. My first born jaxon had grade 2 bleeds. Babies B and C had devastating grade 4 bleeds. I think the dye had a longer to get to them maybe???And then my last one received an infection in the NICU that absolutely did not belong there. It was a fungul infection that is found in mold around toliets and wet window sill and in rotting bark. Someone did not scrub up properly. Someone killed my son. I know that I could look into these things and possibly go after the hospital that killed my son, but it won't bring him back...it would just break my heart further to relive the horror. I hope that you can find peace in not knowing or find the strength to go ahead and get your answers.

As for faith...I am the same way. I am not as close to the Lord as I was prior to my loss. I am still angry and hurt and confused. However, I think that He is okay with that...He understands. When I think about it all I know that He is here with me even through my anger because if He wasn't I wouldn't be here anymore. I couldn't survive this neverending pain alone. I have no idea how long it will take me to get back to where I was...but I truely believe one day I will. I feel that in some VERY unfair way that I have been called to be put through this to help others. I HATE that that is my calling, but all I can do is make a positive impact from what I have experienced....which is why I started Triplet Butterfly Wings. I also read "90 Minutes in Heaven" and it was pretty enlightening...maybe start with that.

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

I am not sure getting answers will help you or not. That is really up to you. It might help you and sometimes I think it would help me but not sure. Hayden passed away in his sleep and his death certificate says that it was undeterminded natural causes. He had cerebral palsy but not sure if that is what took him. It has been 15 months almost since we lost him their is not a day that goes by that i don't think of him. I still try to think of what i could of done different, but it won't bring him back. I want his autopsy reports so his doctor can look over them to see if she finds anything but I am afraid to look at them. At first my faith seemed to get stronger latley I am not so sure. I know my son is in a better place but that is hard to understand, being a parent you think the best place for your child is with you. I am still not sure that I have came to terms with him being really gone. I know he is but don't want to except it. We were going to church alot and stuff but that kind of died down but we starting to get back into it. I think like Rachel said that the Lord understands what we are going through and that he will of course be there when we need him. Or when we are ready for him to be in our lifes again. I don't think he ever goes away I know if he wasn't still in my life I probbly wouldn't be here. You will never be the same person you were before you lost your child. It has changed me just like it changed me when i became a mother. It changed me again when I lost Hayden. I ache to hold Hayden all the time, I am always thinking of him or trying to talk about him to someone. I don't cry everyday like i use to, but the pain is still there. I wish you the best of luck. You should be able to get the reports from the hospital about your delivery and the care that she had. You have the rights to them then maybe your peadtrician will look them over for you and go from there.
Jaclyn

Jaclyn

http://thesheridangang.blogspot.com/

Well, I got somewhat of an explanation for my delivery from my OB's office and it did nothing for me. I still have the same questions and don't feel any different than I did before I asked. I could dig more and look into Hadley's NICU records but I think after my conversation with the doctor yesterday I realized that none of the answers are going to help me at all (pretty much what each of you already said). I guess I just need to continue to give it time and I will slowly come to terms with the fact that she is gone and there isn't an answer in the world that will bring her back.

Thanks for all of your support.

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com

My babies were born shortly before yours at a similar gestation. We, too, lost our 'Baby C.' He got sick one morning and the dr. decided he needed to be mediflighted to Stanford for emergency surgery (it was a 2 hr drive and helicopter would be faster). Long story short, we waited six hours for the helicopter arrive, and once it did, it took them 2 to get him loaded on it because they arrived without oxygen or a ventilator! Spencer barely survived the flight and died right after. I, too, struggle with the questions and wonder every day if they had gotten him there faster, would he have made it. It's gut wrenching and sickening and awful. I started digging and what I found really didn't help. Basically, there's no way to know what might have been if circumstances were different. I don't think I'll ever stop wondering, but I'm learning not to let myself go there. It doesn't matter. For reasons I'll never understand, God decided to take my baby then. I feel for you, I hurt with you. You aren't alone.

Thanks for the post, it is so hard to always wonder. I wish my mind could rest once in a while. It is nice to know that my thoughts are normal under the circumstances but I'm sorry we are both going through this. How are things going with your survivors? I find myself being completely paranoid about the two of them. I'm always afraid something could happen to them too. So many emotions... it has been such a bittersweet year.

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com

Jessica,

Sorry so late with my reply. I just bought a new computer. I keep reading your post at work and just wanted to give you some hope. I have been there with you and everyone else who has posted. My mind going over and over and over about what I could have done differently, what my creep of a jerk, Perinatologist could have done. I still believe my triplet's premature rupture could have been prevented if my doctor was more diligent and cared more about my presenting symptoms at the time. Nevertheless, No matter what I do I cannot find true peace with what went wrong. But for some odd reason (my therapist says its the grief process) I am no longer stuck. I still have bad days and today is one but on a scale of 1-10, being a 10 for the past 19 months, I'm finally at a 6!!! and to me that is so much better! I can't explain it. Its like a weight lifting and clouds moving from stormy to slightly cloudy. When I was in the place of constant pain and constant wondering, my therapist told me I was in the bargaining stage. Which makes sense to me now. We all have to go through the stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Resolution. Each person goes through them differently and at different times. I think I have perpetually in Anger, Bargaining and Depression over and over again! Now I think I moving into resolution. Believe me I have bad days but not nearly as bad as before. I look forward to a day when I can say I am at peace. But for now I will settle for where I am at. So, please don't push yourself, go through your feelings, supressing them just prolongs it. And hold on cause some day, I don't when, it will feel less intense and less overwhelming and maybe one day we can all have some moments of peace. Lots of love..... Grieving mother of my precious babies, forever in my heart!!!

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

Raquel,

Thanks for the post and for giving me so hope that one day this pain will not be so intense. I have had my ups and downs since we lost Hadley but I have definitely been "down" and staying that way for quite a while now. At some point I know I will have to come to terms with the fact that I can't change what happened but I'm just not there yet.

I am sorry you are having a bad day today but glad to hear you are beginning to see a little less clouds.

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com