I have been avoiding this and I'm not sure why. Today is the boy's four month birthday and I miss Hunter so much, so I need some help.

My name is Karen and after 20 weeks of strict bedrest, I delivered Patrick (1.13), William (1.14) and Hunter (1.4) at 27 weeks 2 days, on July 14th.

We lost Hunter after 4 days. I was told that I had undiagnosed TTT, and that Hunter should not have even made it to birth. He should have died in utero which would have killed Patrick and most likely have killed William. He was having massive organ failure and we made the decision to take him off the machines. I miss him so much. I went back to the NICU for the first time today with the boys and it was so hard. I loved seeing the men and women who saved Patrick and William, but all I have done today and most days is think about Hunter.

I met a mom today whose baby is going home and I was so happy for her. Her baby was born the same weight as Hunter. I was genuinely happy for her, but in the back of my head, I kept thinking, why him? why not Hunter? Am I horrible for thinking this???

I really need your help on an issue that I am struggling with. I hate, hate, hate the word twins. Everyone says, "oh, look at the beautiful twins" I want to scream from the rooftops, they are NOT twins. Most of the time, I just nod and smile, or say thank you, but sometimes I say, "No, they are surviving triplets." Then it gets all awkward and I don't like that either.

I belong to a wonderful multiples group and at every meeting they have wonderful multiples things to buy. What do I buy? To the world, they are twins, to me they are triplets. If I put them in triplets stuff I'm just inviting questions. If I put them in twins stuff, I feel like I'm forgetting my Hunter. I don't know why this bothers me so, but it is tearing me apart.

I keep thinking, there are words for loss...you are a widow, a widower, an orphan...when you label yourself as these, no explanations are necessary...people know what happened. It frustrates me that there are no words in the English language that can explain this...

Ok, I'm sorry to ramble on...I'm just really down today and no one seems to understand. Please know I have read your stories and they have given me much comfort as I have lurked here since July. I hope you guys can give me some guidance and strength.

Karen
Mom to WIlliam, Patrick, and our Angel "Hunter"
Born 7-14-08

Ohhhh. Twins or triplets. the biggest dilema i believe a mom of surviving triplets will tackle.

I never ever ever let people call my kids twins after Eric passed. A good book you should read is Lone Twin by Joan Woodward. That helped me explain many times why I would honor not only my children's birth but also their triplet-ness.

Questions will come, and some will be very stupid. I had one lady in a museum in Ohio one day argue with me for more than 3 minutes that my children were not triplets because there was only 2 with me. I finally ended up saying something I felt was rude but got my point across, and shut her up. She insisted that since my son had dies the survivors ceased to be triplets, that they were now twins. I said (she was an older lady) "is your father alive today?" she said "well no, he passed many years ago." I said "then by your line of thinking you are now a bastard child since your father is no longer alive you are no longer his child."

Many times I simply answered "no" to the twins question. and I got an odd satisfaction out of that, as these people would look at the big double stroller with two children that looked so much alike and were obviously the same age...

I buy or make triplets stuff for the kids. I dress L and V alike at times, but be forewarned tat will bring more comments...I just put away the part of the triplet sets that would have been Eric's.

This year (my survivors are 5) the kids started PreSchool. I have always answered the twins question myself and always said that when the kids were old enough to answer it was their decision what they wanted to say and I would respect that... So, as they and I were meeting the teachers one that hadn't met them yet walked up. She asked Levi how old he was. "I'm 4" he said. Then she turned to Vivian, who was not even concerned that this woman was talking to her, so levi answered for her..."she's 4 too, that's Vivan." The teacher said "ohh!! Are you twins??" ((with a Big smile)) My 4 year old made is first decision on the question. He looked at her like she was a nut and said "no. we're surviving triplets." I was as proud as I could ever be of my son.


It's a personal decision. You'll morph into how you want to handle the questions and the looks. It's all still so fresh for you right now.

The feelings of being cheated, like what you wrote about the mom with the baby that was the same size as Hunter...you ARE NOT a horrible person. Of course your happy for her, but it is also normal to feel like you do. we've all been there. we all wish our outcome's were different, we all know someone with stories similar that turned out differently. We're happy for them while still being sad that we don't get to hold and kiss our angels every day. Don't ever let anyone tell you that's wrong. it's normal.

My biggest helps were CLIMB, this board, another group of women on a Yahoo group that have lost part of their multiples (I can introduce you if you want to that group...it's pretty quiet right now...) and my best friend who has triplets that were smaller than mine but all survived. Look for people who care, understand and can relate.

We are here for you on this board, please know that...

Take care
Erika

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks
http://survivingtripletsandteens.blogspot.com

Karen,

Like the pp said, this is probably the most difficult issue I have had to face since we lost our daughter last year. It makes my skin crawl when people call them twins. When I was in the early stages of grief as you are sometimes it was just too emotional to even have to talk to people so I did let it slide at times and felt horribly guilty. Once I was a little bit further along I did find my voice and started correcting people every time. Now sometimes I too will just say "no" when people ask and leave them wondering. There is an odd satisfaction in it as the pp said. It is such a tough subject though and I often feel I am the only one fighting the fight as my dh isn't nearly as bothered by it.

I wish I had great advice but I am still fumbling through so much of this myself. I just want to tell you that you are not alone and it will get a little easier as time goes on. There is a yahoo group that has been a great support to me called eLIMBO, all moms who have lost a multiple.

We lost our daughter after 2 days in the NICU and I know exactly how you feel about watching those other babies who have made it when yours did not. I have two friends who have recently had children "against the odds" and I am so truly happy they have them but I still wonder how did they do it and we could not?? I think the pain of losing a child is just so intense that there is no logic that we, as moms, will ever be able to find in what has happened.

Take care and please email any time if you want to talk,

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com

I know exactly how you feel. I have written several tirades on my blog and gotten into some very heated arguments with family and friends over the "twins" thing. I think I can honestly say that is my least favorite word in the English language. I never thought I would battle and fear a word so much...
At first I corrected every person who said or asked, "Twins?" After a while, I got tired of constantly explaining to strangers. Now, it varies. My general 'rule of thumb' is, if people say or assume they're twins, I don't correct them. If they actually ask if they're twins, then I answer honestly. I figure if you are asking, you deserve the answer. An old lady at the mall asked and I told her they were surviving triplets, and she very kindly started asking all sorts of questions about the other baby, and told us fond memories of a Spencer she knew. It was very sweet.

Anyway, I wish I had something comforting to say to you, but I have nothing except that I've felt the feelings you're experiencing and you aren't alone. My good friend had triplets two months after I did at the same gestation and weight. One of her sons got an NEC infection, which is what killed my baby, and he recovered just fine with the same treatment. I feel incredibly guilty, but sometimes I have a hard time being around her boys because I constantly wonder why...

And as for the "stuff" - I don't buy twin or triplet. They are definitely not twins, but triplets stuff invites questions. So I just avoid it altogether. There's a coffee shop in Oregon a friend of mine found called Two Triplets. I wish we could find "two triplets" stuff!

I'm glad you posted, this is a good support forum.

Amanda... I am in the PNW...where is the coffee shop you mentioned?? I am dying to go there now that you mentioned it. I want a pic of the kids by the sign! LOL!

Erika

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks
http://survivingtripletsandteens.blogspot.com

I can understand regular people calling my survivors twins but it still annoys me. What makes it worse is when a medical professional tries to argue with. I needed an increase on my meds to I went to see someone and she actually tried to argue with me. I told her they are triplets. Alex and Brennan were twins. So I totally understand where you coming from. I don't think the twins and immediate correction no they are triplets will ever end. Tiny love has a multiples program buy one get one free. I dress the boys alike sometimes.

Our little angel
^Alex Joseph^ (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew
Christian Jacob

"
Big brother Justin 8

Karen,

I know you have read my blog so you know my truely tragic story. When I lost Raiden at 22 weeks everyone in the hospital including Doctors and Nurses called Gywn and Ryker Twins... They even renamed them, Raiden was Baby A, Ryker Baby B, and Gwyn Baby C..... Well when we lost Raiden---Ryker then turned into Baby A...It killed me to hear this, It was like he was really gone..But not in my mind.

I will tell you that when Gwyn and Ryker were born they got their original names back they were Babyboy B and Babygirl C. I loved hearing that because it really made me feel like a true triplet mommy.

As you know Raiden and Ryker have moved on to a "better" place. One of the hardest things for me is having to go back to the NICU everyday to Cheer Gwyn on and seeing another Baby in Rykers spot. Going back to the same place my son died.

I too look around the NICU and wonder why are my babies so sick, there are other babies born at 25w 5days, My husband and I have been wanting children for years we have never been more excited to be preggers with the tri-fecta...How come social services wont let half the mothers even visit their almost healthy babies in the NICU. We are only one of a few parents that even visit their children, yet ares are sicker than others.

Its hard for me to understand any of this. Today is one week since I lost my precious Angel Ryker it has been 6 weeks since I lost Raiden. I just Pray Gwyn can pull through I can't go another month and loose another child.. She does not have any brain bleeds (thank God) the hole in her heart also closed on its own ( miricle)...Her only main issue is her kidneys, they function just not that well...has anyone else had this problem with preemies???

Thank you Karen for goving me a place to express my feelings. Sometimes I feel like I have to hold everyone else up (my Family) during this time...

I just Know Hunter, Raiden and Ryker are having so much fun right now...I am so happy that William and Patrick are doing well.

www.havingtriplets.blogspot.com
www.thisisourLONGjourney.blogspot.com

Cathi

Our Precious Angels
^Raiden Landon^(B/D 10/17/08) 22wks
^Ryker London^(11/12/08-11/22/08)25w5d
^Gwyneth Bella^(11/12/08-12/1/08)25w5d

Megyn Velynda born 12/08/09 @ 35w 4 day

Just want to say, so sorry for your loss and while I don't know what it is like to have surviving child since all three of my triplets passed days and weeks after delivery at almost 26 weeks. For a brief moment after my daughter, Sophia passed 5 days after she was born, I had the torment of thinking how I could continue with her brothers without her. For me its been two years now, 11/26 and while I miss my babies with all my heart the pain has lessoned. However, I saw a therapist every other week, and was on antidepressants up until I got pregnant. I was faithful with my therapy and for me, having someone to vent to was what allows me to heal. I wish you peace of mind and heart. Big hug

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

Hi Karen,

As always, I am so sad to see another mommy join this "club" but I am glad that we can be here for you.

My boys will be seven in Jan. I've said to many that I could never have imagined the word "twin" becoming a dirty word. I suspect we've all had posts like yours.

The worst experience I had was getting into an elevator with my boys in our Double Decker. A man in the elevator made a comment, "Wow, thank goodness you didn't have triplets, you would'nt have fit in the elevator." Ouch.

It does make for an awkward situation and is helpful if you come up with some pat answers before the situation arises. I found that leaving it at, "They are surviving triplets." often did create more confusion so I would add, "our third baby was stillborn." or something like that. When you add that, they will understand (usually) and they will offer condolences.

You are so new to this bittersweet situation - so hard to revel in the two that you have while you are missing the third that should be there.

While it does take time, the pain does fade (at least it has for me). Their third birthday was a big turnaround time for me. I was certainly able to enjoy my boys before that but for some reason that was a very healing time and the pain has never been as deep again.

The world does see these surviving babies as "twins" and to them they are two beautiful babies, those that haven't walked in our shoes can't imagine that word hurting - especially strangers.

You will have to find a way to not feel guilty about Hunter - you will never forget him. It is not possible. He will always be a part of you and a part of you will be forever missing because of his brief, precious life. It will take time but you must learn that you are not cheating him by enjoying Patrick & William and, I promise, they will bring you much joy.

The hardest parts, for me, are those times (milestones) in which I can see all three. I'll see a spot for my baby in a family picture. I'll envision him playing football with his brothers. I'll picture him onstage at the first grade Thanksgiving pagent, etc.

I think we've all handled the "twins" thing in different ways. I've gone through phases and I will, sometimes, just not or say, "yes" when a stranger asks if they are twins. If it is in passing or it is someone I can't imagine seeing again, etc. It is easier to say, "yes". I have come to a place where I am ok with this. It doesn't sting as it once did. I do not feel that I am in any way dishonoring my son. That said, if the conversation continues for some reason and the person asks even one follow up question, then I will clarify.

I guess I found it hard on me to get into the discussion of surviving triplets in brief encounters as people were generally commenting on the beauty of my children or how well behaved they are, etc. and I preferred not to bring sadness to it.

The worst, I've found, are close friends and famly that persist in referring to my boys as "twins". That I find hurtful. I have a friend/neighbor who happens to be a psychologist. She has a dd that is 8mos younger than my boys. She ALWAYS refers to my boys as "twins". I confronted her about this years ago when it was so very hurtful. She still does it. I've chosen to "get over it".

When we were having a playdate once, one of my dearest friends commented, "I can just picture B playing there with the others." Now that was a great moment. It made my heart soar and I hope that you have at least one person in your life like that.

Now, at times my boys will correct people and say they are surviving triplets. Other times they will say that yes, they are twins. Early on I would correct them but I honestly feel that the relationship they have with their brother (they were all three identical) should, to some extent, be their business. I don't feel that it is my position to force them to have to get into the "surviving triplet" discussion all the time either. They mention him regularly. Sometimes family pictures are drawn with him, sometimes not. My 11 yo dd is the same way. Sometimes her pictures and stories include B and sometimes they don't.

There was a time when my grief was at the forefront and I found that I was thinking so often of the baby I was missing that I was missing out on the babies that I had here and I really didn't want that. As it is, my memories are quite fuzzy from those first couple of years. I miss my son deeply (always will). I also miss, and mourn the fact that I didn't get to experience being a "triplet mom." I've always felt welcome on this site and was never comfortable on the couple of twin sites that I tried so know that you will always be welcome on all the forums here at TC.

Now I've rambled on and on. If I can help you in any way, feel free to contact me: comom27@yahoo.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss of Hunter and hope that you can find some comfort here, particularly in the holiday season that has started, holidays are hard.

Take care.

Marie