i havent been back to triplet connection in along time. I had my triplets at 31 weeks on 24th october, my little boy was still born. In a hospital 180 miles away 12 hours after my c-section, my mother died. She was hoping so much to meet my babies(their actual due date was christmas day) but was terminallly ill with cancer. My little girl Esme was in the NNU for 6 weeks, her sister Ava was in NNU for 77 days, then out for a week, then in then out, and again and again. Both had PDA ligations and Ava needed an op for a floppy larynx. she still needs to be tube fed, but is gradually taking more oral feeds. I have two other children, Elijah turned 3 whilst I was in hospital after needing a blood transfusion, It took 2 hours to get the babies out, I was conscious throughout. my baby boy, wrapped up and lifeless beside me in a cot. My eldest daughter Charlie turned 5 whilst i was in hospital with the babies. Since our return home we have had a few behaviour problems with her. a couple of weeks ago she spent half an hour kicking and screaming and biting me, like a wild animal. She was particularly going for my tummy. she is a lot better now but I feel so sad, so broken. I love my new babies very much but they dont take away the pain, they just contribute to how busy i am and I cry in the spaces in between, in the car, steralising bottles - then its the babies needing or its mummy this, and mummy that...and im pulled out of my sadness and my aching, my bargaining for anything - ANYTHING to have my baby boy. It hurts when people call the baby girls twins. They tell me how busy i must be, i am but i wince, what i would give to have no sleep, what i would give to never have a second to myself, just to have him here, to hold him, to look at his eyes - I never saw his eyes, he never looked at me. Im being pulled away again, Elijah has tonsillitus, the babies need feeding, theres ironing, life goes on doesnt it.people tell me how well im doing. i want to be in a place where i can, just for a while, not be doing well, where i can just be... Is that here?Looking forward to a reply...from someone. Rachel

Rachel I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved son. I wish I could tell you the pain goes away but it really doesn't. It may get a bit easier but the whole is always there. My three were delivered at almost 26 weeks and I watched each one of them die of complications days then weeks later. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss them and long to hold them. We have no other children so we tried again last just to lose our son at 19 weeks. Now I am in the hosp. awaiting my daughter in four or more weeks. I pray that she is healthy. I love her so much already.

I know your pain seems unconsolable and it will be like that for I don't know how long. For me it was at two years that deep deep pain turned into a longing, loss and missing piece that I live with daily. I pray that you are kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve and feel. You are so normal and not alone. God bless

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

Thank you so much Raquel for your reply - you have been through so much but you still have the strength to offer support -you are a pretty amazing person. Your little girl is one very lucky lady having you as her mummy. All the very best with your birth. I shall be keeping tabs on you now on this site with my fingers crossed.

I was having a bad day when I wrote that message, obvious really. Today I feel more myself - and very aware of how lucky I am to have such a wondrful family - my 4 children, a loving and supportive husband and lots of great friends and loving family. I think grief sometimes strips all that away, you are at times just left with the bare raw bones of loss and in itslf it is quite selfish and blinkerd - a desperate 'want' that cannot be met.

I am particularly grateful for your reply as it is the only one I have recieved. Did i scare people away? 125 or so viewed my message. I thought more people would be able to relate to how I feel.
Thanks again Raquel
Best wishes Rachel

Hi Rachel.

I'm so sorry you felt like you scared people away. I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, I need a couple of days to digest, so to speak, when we have someone join our club. I cry each and every time for the loss of one of our babies. It just cuts me to the core. I wanted to be able to give you some words of encouragement but I am fairly new to the grief as well.

Oh sweetie, please know that you are not alone. There is not a day goes by that I do not cry for Hunter. Usually I try to do it alone, so people won't worry. I have found that some days are so much harder than others. I am constantly worried that my grief is somehow not letting me be the best mom/wife I can be. I am so overjoyed at my boys, yet my heart is broken in a way that simply can not be repaired. I worry that my sorrow will somehow affect my relationship with my boys.

I totally understand your dislike of "twins". That is the ugliest word in the English language as far as I am concerned. If you go back and look at some of my posts, you will see some very wise responses from ladies a little farther along in their journey and how they have dealt with it. Since RSV season is about to end, I find myself taking the boys out more and more, and so I am hit with the "twins" question at least once a day. Most of the time, I just nod and say yes, mainly to move on and get out of there. If I feel up to it, I say, "no, they are surviving triplets" but if I do that, then I have to be ready to deal with more conversation.

I find that the week of Hunter's death every month is much harder on me. I try to keep myself as busy as possible and this sometimes helps. I have also gotten into counseling which I call "bra shopping"...again, you might want to check out my previous posts. I have found it to be helpful, but I have also realized that I am completely junk for the rest of the day...it totally wipes me out.

I also come here just about every day. I find myself celebrating for Raquel, Jessica, and all the other expectant moms. I also find myself crying like I said, when I meet new moms that are having to go through such unimaginable pain. I think that coming here has helped me realize that while it does get better, it NEVER goes away. And, I'm sure you are like me in that you don't want it to go away. In some ways, the grief and pain are all that we have left of our boys.

Please know that it is ok to have those cries when you need them. I have tried to fight them, and found that i feel much better when I just embrace them. I also try to make sure to talk about Hunter. I am like you and that I never got to see his eyes, and that still hurts. I do have pictures but they are too hard to look at right now.

I am so glad you found this board Rachel...it is a very "safe" place and it is very nice to know that people here know what we are going through. I hope you continue to post on both good days and bad.

Let us know if you are on facebook...quite a few of us are on there as well.

Karen
Mom to Patrick, William, and our Angel Hunter
7-14-08

Rachel,

I too am so sorry for the loss of your little boy and mother. It is so difficult to care for others while you are trying desperately to grieve. Sometimes you just need some time to yourself but that is so hard when they are little. I had some very difficult times when my babies came home, stress, fear, guilt, etc. Do you have family around to support you? I was so afraid that no one would respond to my initial post because it would be so hurtful. I am so very sorry you felt that way. I too take time think before responding. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You can always come here for support.

Jacob, Olivia, Benjamin
30 weeks 1 day

Im so sorry for the loss of your baby boy, the loss of a child is the worst thing that can happen to a parent, it scars you for life... And coupled with the loss of your mother, I cannot imagine the pain you went through.

Im sorry for not responding earlier, I think that I, like others, take our time to think about our responses before posting, because we know how deep your pain is, and we want to give you the best support we can, we don´t want to rush a response that does not help or worse, can hurt you in any way. We know, better than anyone, that everybody´s rash responses can be hurtful "well, be thankful for the babies you have", "It was better for him/her or Its better this way", "Your baby will be watching you from heaven" etc... so many responses people have the best intentions upon giving them, but hurt more...

I´m here to tell you that I´ve been through the loss of two of my triplets, I´ve experienced the deepest pain of all. I was very devastated the first year, I went into depression, because my surviving triplet had so many issues, I didnt take her out of the house for a whole year, not even receive guests, so I was all alone in my world, in my pain. I felt like an alian, no one understood me, no one wanted to understand, just wanted me to be "better" by ignoring the loss of my babies, I even had trouble with my husband.

I started therapy, I went for about 6 months, this helped me sooo much, I was able to talk to someone about my pain w/o being judged, w/o trying to be consoled... it was a lifesaver for me. Since then, I atttend a different type of therapy, in prayer groups, and it has helped me even more.

I wont lie, the pain is still here, but it doesn´t hurt as much. I miss my babies every day, but I don´t cry that often now. Holiday´s and special days are much better. Im able to enjoy the life that I have.

I wish you the best, and wish you find someone that can help you like I have found help.

(((((((hugs))))))

Monique
Mom to 26.5wk triplets, born 09/14/06
^Nicole^
^Daniel^
Nathalie

Thank you so much for your replies. Now that you have said it , it makes sense that you need time to reply and I really appreciate you taking the time and sharing your experiences and your thoughts and prayers. I guess Ive been a bit jumpy - you can feel like nobody gets it cant you - I have supportive friends and my husbands family are great, but they are in Ireland so I dont see that much of them. my mother in law was over when I had the babies, and the funeral we had for little Rowan helped her grieve for the baby she lost nearly 50 years ago- she never saw the baby, just knew it was a girl and it was taken away. Some months later she was sent a bill from the hospital for funeral expenses. It was mad in those days - who ever came up with the crazy idea that if you didnt talk about it it would go away. I dont want to wait 50 years to grieve - I was talking to another friend of mine about what had happened and she said her mother had 4 stillbirths in a row, one after the other. It amazes me that people have the strength to keep going.
My dad and my brother(who has no children) dont get it a all - I had to beg, quite literally beg my dad to come to Rowan's memorial service. I just knew that if he didnt come I could probably never forgive him, he told me he didnt realise it was so important for him to be there!! My brother has likened Rowan's death to a miscarriage - I could have swung for him - but I have to remind myself that its not lack of love, just lack of understanding. Even my best friend, I was on the phone to her the other day, she was getting some frustrations off her chest about her mother in law, having a good moan, I hopefully said the right things but in my heart I just thought, this is all trivial, none of this matters, its not worth air time - because grief strips every thing down to the bare bones. Thanks. For understanding.
For sharing even though it really hurts.
I will be back again - when I can find the time.
I am smiling - and I reckon Rowan's smiling too coz he knows, that at his point in time - Im ok
Speak soon x

I am glad you found some comfort here. I have found the same, that the things that used to bother me or the things I hear others complain about, are so trivial now. I have a hard time listening to people complain about their kids who have no idea how lucky they are to even have them in the first place. I try to remind myself that that is one thing that our daughter gave to us, the gift of realizing what we do have and appreciating every moment we have with our living children.

Take care,

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com

Nope. You didn't scare me away. I just have been away for a bit, buried with everyday existence.

This is the place for you to come when you feel the way you did on the day you posted. And, frankly, you'll keep feeling that way for a while. But, it does get better. Initially, you'll have an occasional upbeat day, but eventually, most of your days will be upbeat with an occasional downer.

You are in the right place, but my heart grieves to have anyone join us because the pain is so bad. And, I'm so sorry for your loss of your mother. My mother died of cancer shortly after my babies came home from the NICU. It was really too much grief in too short a time. I am so very sorry for your losses.

Please keep coming back. We do understand what you're going through right now. Me and my kids will keep you in our prayers for comfort and solace.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

Rachel,

I just lost one of my girls, she was stillborn as well. She had a birth defect, so it wasn't unexpected that she could die before she was born (odds were 50-50 that she'd make it), but it didn't lessen the pain at all.

I understand the wincing at the "you must be busy." My husband took off the week of the birth and the week after, so we were together at the hospital every day. The first day he went back to work, I went and held the girls together. Usually, we would switch off holding one each, but since I was alone I held them at the same time. As I sat in the chair, all I could think was that it was too easy. That instead of sitting there with each of them nestled in the crook of an arm, I should be struggling to hold a third in between them. That I should have been joking with the nurse about how busy and tired I would be when I got them home, and about how was I going to breastfeed three of them with only two feeding spots. I would have cried right there, except I was so tired I fell asleep.

I don't know how I'll be able to handle those types of comments when the babies are home and I'm out among people who don't know I've lost one. As it is now, if anybody asks if they're twins, or if somebody says "oh they had twins!", I can't even look at them, and sometimes just walk away and let my husband talk to them (he can talk as if they're twins better than me). So I am in awe at your strength that you can even deal with it and respond. . .maybe that just comes in time.

Amy

Julia Evelyn, 2 lbs, 15 oz
^Caitlin Elizabeth^, 3 lbs, 3 oz (died one day prior to delivery due to complications of an encephalocele)
Gabrielle Rose, 3 lbs, 6 oz

Hi Amy
Only just read your post today. Im so sorry about the loss of baby Caitlin. I dont know when they were born, but it sounds very recent as your girls are not home yet. My husband, like yours, pretty much handled the phone calls and the questions from people for quite a while. I found the cards odd - some said 'Congratulations on the arrival of your twins'!! - I was tempted to bin those, but I just put them away. A lot of people did and still do avoid talking about Rowan - it hurt initially because it felt like they didnt think he existed. His acknowledgement was the most important thing for me for quite a while. In fact, I thought and cried more for him in the first 6 weeks of so than I did for Ava and Esme in hospital. I was there with them but it was my husband who was on board with every thing going on with their health -

I feel more forgiving of people now, I realise that they dont know what to say - so they say nothing, or avoid bringing Rowan into the conversation. My 5 year old daughter is a breath of fresh air - she talks about Rowan enthusiastically. Yesterday she said, mummy I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers. I was surprised that she counted Rowan as a brother, but even though she has never met him, he is important to her.

At Rownan's memorial service and funeral, my husband had a number of hard bound books made of the service, including copies of the prints of Rowan's hand and footprints and pictures that Charlie drew for her brother in heaven. When Ava and Esme are older they will at least have something to acknowledge the baby brother they shared a womb with. Do what you can to keep memories of Caitlin. Even if it hurts too much now - just keep them. One day you'll feel strong enough to put something together for youselves and your little girls.
God bless
Rachel