Hi ladies,

Since our survivors are home, my husband has been SUPER protective of them. Not that I'm not (I'm sure I am too) but he is going really far even on things that are small (researching for hours online whether it is okay for them to have a bath every night for example). I am thinking this is related to Ari's passing and this is how he is dealing with it. I am wondering if anyone's husband has responded in this way and whether it will get any better? I'm tired of fighting over little things; he wants to be perfect about everything with them and I think it's because he is scared to lose (or even just hurt) them too...does this make sense?

Heather
Mom to Alex, ^Ari^ & Zoi born 2/26/09 at 34.2 weeks

Hey Heather!

Hmmm, that is a toughie...I wouldn't say that DH got super protective, but I do think he straddles the line at times. I have found it best to pick my battles. I also have brought up a lot of his concerns to the peditrician so either he would be validated or his fears were alleviated. I do think that time has helped a bit. We just hit 10 months.

I think that a search here (on the main board) on most topics would help DH find some answers to his questions/concerns. The vast majority of the families here have had preemies, and all the concerns/problems/issues that go along with that. I was very hesitant to post on the main board after Hunter died, but I have found the moms there to be overwhelmingly supportive. I am reminded day after day that I am welcomed over there. Maybe have DH get his own account and post some of the the questions that he might have. Maybe the been there done that aspect of the main board will ease his mind.

So, how are Alex and Zoi? I bet you will be having your 3 month appt in the next week or so, so maybe DH can get some questions answered then. One final bit of advice...if you do want the ped to answer a bunch of questions, write them down. It will help you to remember them all, and the ped can answer them a lot faster.

Big Hugs!

Karen
Mom to Patrick, William, and our Angel Hunter
7-14-08

Hi Heather,

Good to hear from you. My husband and I have taken turns being paranoid over different things since our survivors came home. I used to be very paranoid that they were going to get sick. He on the other hand is paranoid they will get hurt. Over time my fears have lessened quite a bit but my husband still drives me nuts with how much he worries about them. They are toddlers now so naturally run into things, fall, etc, etc and he has removed half of our funiture and gotten rid of many toys because of it.... they bump into it once and it's gone! It drives me crazy but he does not show many other signs of the trauma that we both experienced. I cry, vent to you guys and, in general, have a tougher time each day with our loss so I try to remind myself that this is how he has been affected by all that we went through.

Hopefully as time goes on and he sees the babies do well his confidence in both of your parenting skills will begin to grow and his fears will lessen. Do you think he would read a book on parenting preemies? Maybe something like that would help to give him some reassurance and guidance on raising the babies?

Take care, hope Alex and Zoi are doing well,

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com

Thanks for responding so quickly! I hope you are right & things will ease up a bit as we get adapted to parenting and they get bigger. Do you have any book recommendations? He will read everything he can get his hands on & he's about to have a lot of free time on his hands (summers mostly off as a professor, so nice! I am jealous since I'm about to have to return to work myself).

Alex & Zoi are doing so great! They had a check up last week and are weighing in with Zoi close to 10 pounds and Alex close to 11 pounds -I was pleasantly surprised with that, as was the pedi! Other than reflux we have no major issues, just having 2 little babies at once type of issues... I am going to post a picture soon - I had a photographer come out last weekend & do some cute shots.

The pedi did settle the bath debate...and I have a pedi friend who we bug all the time with little stuff - just hate to bug them with all our debates!

Take care,
Heather
Mom to Alex, ^Ari^ & Zoi, born 2/26/09 at 34.2 weeks

Hi Heather,

My husband hasn't been overly protective (no more than he would have been if nothing bad had happened!). But, our situation is different, I guess, since we knew since week 14 that Caitlin could possibly die, and we know what killed her. If it was an unexplained death, I think he would have been different. Instead, when the doctors tell us the possibilities of different things and say "but the odds are small", that stresses us out. The odds of having spontaneous triplets was small, the odds of the encephalocele were small, the odds of TTTS was small. . .we have bad luck with small odds! I'm sure though it's normal, and he'll get better as they get older and seem less fragile.

amy

Julia, ^Caitlin^ (due to encephalocele complications) & Gabrielle