Hey ladies,

I am at work, but I am not "here". I dont want to post this on the blog cause thats just for the babies, and I need to vent. DH is in a Union and got shipped off 2-3 hours away so he is staying at the job on the weekdays but he will be home on the weekends. We NEED the money so there was no question he had to go.
We had a conversation before he left that makes me so sad. I expressed how I would like us to set a goal to TTC maybe by the end of this year, see if we are ready at that time. He says he has not had any outlet to let his grief out and has buried it so deep he doesnt have any idea when it will come out, says he's been trying to always be strong for me. The shrink appts are only 45 mins long and they dont talk about just the babies. Other than that, no one else brings it up but me.
So where does a grieving Dad go for anonymous support? He said I have all of this support but there is no place to go for him? I even did an online search and there is barely nothing, and whatever is, is not active. I feel like opening my own forum that is just for grieving Dads and maybe they can find their way there, and I think I will. I want to do something that matters and help people connect.
I am just sitting here at this stupid desk in tears.
Thanks for listening, xo

Nan~
In loving memory of my beautiful girls:
^Shelby Lee^, ^Megan Aimee^ and ^Lynne Barbara^,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
http://forumforgrievingdads.com/

Hey Nan,

I sent you a PM, please let me know if you got it.

Sending Big Hugs!
Karen

Karen
Mom to Patrick, William, and our Angel Hunter
7-14-08

Thanks I wrote you back!

Nan~
In loving memory of my beautiful girls:
^Shelby Lee^, ^Megan Aimee^ and ^Lynne Barbara^,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
http://forumforgrievingdads.com/

Sounds like what happened to us, with the big difference that your husband is looking to be able to grieve. My husband did not want to grieve, he told me he would do it in his own pace. I went to therapy and looked for spiritual support.


Maybe you can take turns with your therapist for some alone time each¿'? alternate one alone session each and then one together? since we grieve differently, it may be a good idea to have separate therapies too?

just a suggestion!

lots of hugs during this difficult time

Monique
Mom to 26.5wk triplets, born 09/14/06
^Nicole^
^Daniel^
Nathalie

Thanks for the hugs, suggestion and sharing what you went through.
We actually do go separately to the therapist right now.
He sounds as though he would try a forum if I found one, but there isn't any. I think he wants to grieve, but he feels he can't for me. Yes, I still have my bad days, but I keep telling him I am doing better. Do you think he is hiding behind me in order not to face it? Maybe Im pushing him.... Sorry, my mind is racing.

Nan~
In loving memory of my beautiful girls:
^Shelby Lee^, ^Megan Aimee^ and ^Lynne Barbara^,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
http://forumforgrievingdads.com/

I am sorry you are having to deal with all of this. My DH went to counseling alone. Men grieve SO differently. It is difficult to read them. I think that it is so good he is seeking support, that is the first step.

I have an idea. I have a small group of online friends that have been through SO many IVF attempts, most are still childless. So, we started a small myspace group page that is very private and allows for venting and conversation. When then all have our own private pages that allow us to comment. So, all in all there are only 6 of us who have access to the group site. What if one of our DHs set up a similar site?

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

Hi Rachel, how are you? When do you come home?

Thanks for your suggestion - it sounds pretty good if we could get the guys to do it. I think Mike made up a myspace acct to spy on my stepson and my neices and nephews to make sure they arent being bad! I have no idea I do not go on it?!!

****If anyone thinks their hubby's would be interested in this, please let us know.

I also have decided to go ahead with creating a website for men. My sweet neighbors are in the IT field and want to help me!!! They are looking into the best way to set it up, but I AM DOING THIS (bold, underline, italic)! It will be sort of like here, but for men. I hope it doesnt take too long to get it going, but if anyone is interested I will post details when its done. For every woman grieving of the loss of a child(ren), there is a man standing beside her. I know they are out there and I want to help.

Love, Nan

Nan~
In loving memory of my beautiful girls:
^Shelby Lee^, ^Megan Aimee^ and ^Lynne Barbara^,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
http://forumforgrievingdads.com/

Hi Nan,

I'm sorry to hear that you have to be apart - that must be tough. Yes, men definitely grieve differently. Frustrating, isn't it? A few times I've told my husband it's not his job to "fix" me and I don't need him to be strong for me, I just need him to listen.

That is a hard thing to figure out, the when are you ready to start TTC again. I'm not sure either one of us was ready after IVF #1, but we felt we didn't have the luxury of time since I was old, 40 at the time, and my husband was even older 4 . I didn't want my eggs to be any funkier than they already were.

I had a couple of suggestions. My husband and I went separately and together to a couple of support groups sponsored by local hospitals. One was for anyone who had lost a child, be it miscarriage, stillbirth, whatever and the other was called SPALS (subsequent pregnancy after loss). I found out about those through my fertility clinic.

There is also a group that I have yet to go to run by Children's Hospital in Minneapolis for parents who have lost a child. Someday I'll get my nerve up to go to that one.

None of that is anonymous, but man, did we ever find those groups helpful.

Allison

Mom to:
Madeline 09/2001
Jack, Evan & ^Alex^ 03/02/2008 @ 26 weeks

Hi Allison,
Thanks for the suggestions....the hospital we were at suggested those types of groups too, they have them there. Im not sure I could actually hear the stories of others in front of me without having a breakdown yet. How do you handle being at the group, do you bawl your eyes out? Maybe someday??!!

I really have found alot of help here and people who have come across my blog reach out too....its an amazing way to talk with people in the same unfortunate situation. There are too many of us, it plain sucks. The anonymous thing and being online is also helpful because if you are breaking down and crying, you can compose yourself whenever you want in the privacy of your home. Just feels safer to me.

Oh yeah, and 40 year old eggs are not OLD, silly! The docs just make you feel that way. I have a friend who hates the term her doc uses "advanced maternal age" - so stupid!

Was nice to hear from you!
xoxoxo Hugs, Nan

Nan~
In loving memory of my beautiful girls:
^Shelby Lee^, ^Megan Aimee^ and ^Lynne Barbara^,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
http://forumforgrievingdads.com/

Hi Nan,

I am so sorry you are having a rough time. I must be so difficult to be apart during this time. I think my husband didn't talk a lot about grief because he was trying to be strong for me. Even to this day, I am not totally sure how he is dealing with it. We both talk about Benjamin a lot and why did this happen and things like that but he doesn't tell me maybe that he is having a particularily difficult day. A website may be a "safe" place for him to go so I think your idea is an excellent one. You are so very thoughtful of others.
Let me know if I can help in anyway. I am thinking about you.

Dana

Jacob, Olivia, Benjamin
30 weeks 1 day

Hi Dana, how are you?
Im apparently filling my time apart from hubby on here, which is a good thing! Writing is very therapeutic.
Thanks for your words of support and sharing how your hubby deals. I just want to make sure I am not pushing him, ya know?
If I need help with my project I will let you know....I have no idea how to set up anything like that, let alone run it so my neighbors are going to show me...so we will see I don't plan on being on the site myself, Im gonna let Mike run with it and see where it goes, I want him to have his privacy. He doesnt know I am doing this yet!
Thanks again, keep in touch and I am thinking of you also sweetie
xo Nan

Nan~
In loving memory of my beautiful girls:
^Shelby Lee^, ^Megan Aimee^ and ^Lynne Barbara^,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
http://forumforgrievingdads.com/

Nan,

When you are done setting it up let me know and I will add it to my Triplet Butterfly Wings site.

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

Hey Nan,

I am doing fine. I wish we could meet face to face. We may go to visit a really good friend of mine in August who lives in Coatsville. Are you anywhere near there? She and her husbanhd both work for vanguard. I feel like know one here really understands plus there is so much more to my story than what i have shared. I am a worrier by nature.

What are you doing for the holiday? I hope your DH is home. Hope to talk to you soon.

Dana

Jacob, Olivia, Benjamin
30 weeks 1 day

Hi Dana,
That would be great! I am about an hour from there. The mid-way point would be the King of Prussia Mall, which is huge and has a million things in and around it. Or, you are definitely welcome at my house also, whatever you are comfortable with. I am not far off the PA turnpike at the Willow Grove exit. Just to sit and talk and get everything out of our spinning heads for a while would be so healing. Let me know, I would totally love that. Im sure we have a ton to chat about and its hard to put in everything in writing.
Hubby is home thankfully, and doesn't leave until early Tues morning. We are having my family over for a picnic, but I didnt have to prepare a thing, they are bringing everything (YAY). They didnt want me to worry about it, which is still very sweet and supportive...but honestly, sometimes its a ^%$# having the pool and yard where everyone wants to go...LOL. As long as they clean up I dont care!
You doing anything for tomorrow? Thanks for writing...have a good night, Nan xoxo

Nan~
In loving memory of my beautiful girls:
^Shelby Lee^, ^Megan Aimee^ and ^Lynne Barbara^,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
http://forumforgrievingdads.com/