I feel like a nut job anymore with my emotions. Last week I had an ok week and thought I could keep staying positive...now this week I feel like an absolute mess and can't shake the depression and cry myself to sleep. I have a therapist appointment tonight so Im sure it will help, but I want to continually cry. Im struggling in work, I thought I was progressing and then I had to leave early yesterday...that was a "fight or flight" thing. Now I sit here in work and should be working but I cant focus. It started on Monday when we had a Holiday picnic at my house, I was exhausted from it, but I didn't have to do anything, so why was I exhausted? My family brought everything and cleaned up. I know its only been a few months since my girls were born, but if Im sinking I gotta catch myself. My hair hasn't been cut in months, I cant lose my last 10-15 pounds, my eyebrows are turning into a unibrow (thank god my hair is light), my nails are jagged and peeling, I just dont want to make myself look good or do anything for me yet - at all. This is the only place I feel safe to hash out my feelings and receive hope that there is a silver lining. Thank you for that. Love Nan

Nan~
In loving memory of my beautiful girls:
^Shelby Lee^, ^Megan Aimee^ and ^Lynne Barbara^,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
http://forumforgrievingdads.com/

Oh Nan...I have been there
Wait, who am I fooling? Im still there. I'm tired all the time, or totally amped up if that makes sense. I totally understand. What I found to help was medication, pure and simple. It made the lows not so so low and allowed me to at least put on the facade of keeping my sh*t together. I hope you would consider it. I was worried that it was just numb me to the pain but it hasn't. My dr. thought it was so weird that I wanted to feel the pain. What I tried to explain was that the pain was the only thing left I had of Hunter. There was this awkward silence. I still hurt, I still grieve, but it has made it a bit more manageable.

How is your boss? Do they understand what is going on? Does your job have an EAP program? I hope you can find a "safe" place at work or at least a sympathetic ear for when these feelings come on. Maybe just a quick walk around or getting a drink when all of it gets too much can help you get back to your desk. You totally amaze me with your strength. While you might not realize it, I think you are doing a great job holding it together.

Are you on facebook? A few of us are on there from the bereaved board and it tends to be a great distraction.

Sending big hugs your way sweet Nan!!!

Love,

Karen
Mom to Patrick, William, and our Angel Hunter
7-14-08

See I was right, always quick to the rescue You rock.

I'm taking Xanex, thats about it, and its helps most of the time. I will think about the regimen drugs, its just that I was on them a couple years ago and it was so hard to get on them then off of them again.

The bosses (I have three) are pretty good, they haven't pushed me to get on the phones and deal with clients, when Im ready I can do that, they probably wanted me to try but Ive lost my nerve to do it. I have a cube-mate Mary who is so sweet and I talk to her alot, it seems like everytime she hears me sigh or sniffle, she asks whats wrong and I start sobbing. I am known for being a "get things done" kind of worker and Im the total opposite now. We were bought by a corporate company last year so now they monitor your internet activity which I would get fired for if they checked right now! So that is pretty stupid of me to be doing this but to me I have no choice, I atleast showed up. They blocked facebook and pages like that so I decided not to make a page there. If they block this site I will be pissed. Not sure about the EAP, I should know though, I work in the insurance field, I'll look it up.

Thanks for your encouragement as always, sweet Karen

Love, Nan xoxo

Nan~
In loving memory of my beautiful girls:
^Shelby Lee^, ^Megan Aimee^ and ^Lynne Barbara^,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
http://forumforgrievingdads.com/

Nan,

I think you are doing so well. As Karen said, your strength is amazing. It has not been long since you lost your girls and the fact that you are putting one foot in front of the other each day is more than enough for right now. I think that being able to go to work is a big step, being able to be fully productive there is a whole other story. It may take quite a while before you are able to concentrate and make it through a full day so try to go easy on yourself.

I truly remember thinking I may go insane in those early months because I was so overcome by grief. I couldn't believe the world was moving forward and any time we did anything that resembled our "old" life I would crack. I think it is great that you attempted the party Monday, just don't push yourself and try to pick and choose what you an handle. One of the best things my therapist told me to do early on was to treat myself as I would treat a best friend who had just gone through what I had. It helped me to learn to give myself lots of slack and go easy on the expectations I was setting for myself.

Take care and just keep coming here, we will talk you through it.

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com

Hey Jessica,
Your sweet words are very encouraging, thank you. I am such a sappy mess right now after reading that! I am counting the minutes until 4:15 when I leave to go to my appointment, I know it will help. I hadn't really been crying too much in my appointments, and she was happy to see me progressing before...now shes got her work cut out for her! You do have very good advice, I do need to go easier on myself. Maybe I am feeling the pressure to perform at work, like I should be a step further, and I just dont want to cause nothing matters except my baby girls. Anyway, I am planning a balloon release on June 6th at my house, I already moved the date once so im trying not to move it again. Picking and choosing things is not one of my strong points, they usually choose me. I am feeling that pressure. Plus Mike isn't home until tomorrow...its a bunch of issues all boiling in one pot.
Thanks for talking me through it....you girls are the best.
<Group Hug>
Love Nan

Nan~
In loving memory of my beautiful girls:
^Shelby Lee^, ^Megan Aimee^ and ^Lynne Barbara^,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
http://forumforgrievingdads.com/

Nan,

I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult week. I think you are so amazing. You can't be hard on yourself, you have been through so much in a short period of time. I didn't go back to work for almost a year and I remember walking as fast as I could to my car trying desperately not to cry until I got inside. I cried every night on my way home from work which at that time was a 40 minute drive. I still cry often. I did the bare minimum to get ready for work too, I just didn't care how I looked which is not like me. It is going to take time. I like the others think you are so strong. I am so glad I have met you through this site. I will be thinking about you. Dana

Jacob, Olivia, Benjamin
30 weeks 1 day

Hi Dana,
Thanks for your support, and letting me know you had the same experience (sorry you had to endure it too). I think its you and the other women here that are so amazing, where else can you go for this kind of support? No where. I am so glad I met you here also and hope we can meet in person soon.

***And just an update for everyone, I went to the therapist and feel so much better today. Still a little weepy but holding it together much better. She says for a while I am going to revert back to having bad weeks (which I knew already but it was nice to confirm). And then the bad weeks will be less and less. She only had one tissue left and ran out of the room to go get more because I just lost it when I walked in! She also helped me realize that I had lost the meaning of why I was doing the balloon release. My initial reason for doing it was to send messages to my babies. Then, when the negativity started creeping in, I lost the meaning and it twisted into feeling like I was saying goodbye....and I dont want to say goodbye, EVER, PERIOD! Hence the reason I had been stressing about the balloon release. Now I am feeling better cause I found my way back to the inital meaning Would you call that a breakthrough?!

Plus, added bonus, hubby came home last night instead of today, they let them leave cause of the rain today, YAY! So all in all, I feel much much better. But could not have done it without your support also. I love you guys! Or as we say in Philly "youse guys"...

xoxoxooxoooooooooxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooo

Nan~
In loving memory of my beautiful girls:
^Shelby Lee^, ^Megan Aimee^ and ^Lynne Barbara^,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
http://forumforgrievingdads.com/

Oh, Nan. I am soooooooooo sorry that you're going through this right now. What you are describing is the harsh reality of grief. It gets better with time, but you are definitely going through some of the toughest parts of it. The fact that you were able to post about feeling better more recently is a sign of better times to come.

You will find that you will go from mostly feeling horrible and unable to focus and unable to take care of things, with brief moments of being okay, to mostly feeling okay to brief moments of unbearable heartache. Eventually, the grief narrows down to occasional and then rare bouts of the horrific pain, but there remains a sadness and ache when you think about what has happened. Still, life becomes very bearable, with very rich joy and good times. I know this because I have gotten to this place...finally. My grief is now nearly 5.5 years old.

The good news is that after the first year is completed, everything gets much better, although you're still not home free. By the second anniversary, you'll be able to look back on this time and not remember the abysmal grief that clearly...it will recede into the background until you get hit with a surge of it.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. This is really what grief is all about and most folks simply don't know a thing about grief.

Hang in there. There is a silver lining, and you can always be thankful that your hair is light!

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

Cat, thank you. Not just for your empathy, but for telling me what may come. Its so unclear some days, but if I know what to (somewhat)expect, I can keep trying to catch myself from falling into the bottomless pit of despair.

The grief comes on in crazy times. Today we went to a graduation party for our friends daughter at a hall, and everyone stayed off "topic" which was kinda good. But they had a DJ and he kept playing all of the hopeful songs for grads and the one that finally made me break down was the "somewhere over the rainbow" song (Rachel knows - on her butterfly garden page). So I asked Mike if we could leave, he went and made the goodbye rounds and then everyone started coming up to me...what a scene. This poor girl trying to have a nice grad party and everyone is surrounding me, UGH! I just kept saying I was sorry, and cried the entire way home.

I know it will get better, but things that trigger it hurt so bad. I am ok for now.

Thanks again,

Love, Unibrow Lady xoxox

Nan~
In loving memory of my beautiful girls:
^Shelby Lee^, ^Megan Aimee^ and ^Lynne Barbara^,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
http://forumforgrievingdads.com/

Nan,

First and foremost the fact that you are at work...OMGoodness! That is amazing. I think I retreated to the couch for at least 6 months and even then I work from home so I rarely worked. Seriously...YOU ARE AMAZING.

I wish it got better faster...I wish we didn't have to wake up every morning thinking "Seriously...is this REALLY MY LIFE??? Please tell me it was a freaking nightmare." Oh do I wish that that is all it was...a nightmare.

I thought this was appropriate...one of my million findings...much love hun...hoping your candle is a little farther away today.

Alas, I now, finally, understand what it means to grieve. It is not something to take lightly. Not something you quickly move on from. It is real, and heavy, like a wet wool blanket tossed over your soul. My best friend asked me what it felt like, having to shoulder this burden, this loss. She was not being naive. She wanted to help, to understand. And the best way to describe this grief is to imagine you are alone in a dark room. In front of you is a candle. All you can see, all you can feel is the light from this candle. This is grief. For many days, weeks and months, all you can see is the light from this candle. Until one day, the candle is a little farther from your face. The light is not so bright. You can still see the candle, but you can also see other things in this room. The candle is always present. And on good days, the candle is an arms length away. But some mornings, some moments, the candle comes right up to your face, blinding you with it's light, leaving you unable to see or feel any other thing. Except the damn candle. That is grief. It is always here, always present. And on good days you can see around the grief, but you never know when the grief is gonna get you. It always sneaks back in and you can't blow out the candle. Ever.

-T. (a bereaved mother)

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

Hi Rachel, I soooooo do wish it was all just a bad dream. The candle keeps flickering in and out today, I will try for farther away tomorrow. What a perfect way to describe GRIEF, it is very clear to understand. Another way I have looked at it is being on a mountain top and the dark clouds are above you. Then, suddenly they swoop down and engulf you and its hard to see, breathe, hear or think. When you finally have some clarity, the clouds are below you and you can see blue skies above.

I am thinking of having one of your poems "Part of me" written on my board at the balloon release this coming weekend.

I thank you for the support, love and help, everyday.

Love Nan xo

Nan~
In loving memory of my beautiful girls:
^Shelby Lee^, ^Megan Aimee^ and ^Lynne Barbara^,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
http://forumforgrievingdads.com/

In counseling, the "swooping down and engulfing" is referred to as STUGs -- sudden temporary upsurges of grief. They can be triggered by smells, music, poems, visual images. It's the "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," and seeing babies the age your babies should be. But, again, I promise you that it will be better.

Oh, and you really may be pushing yourself too hard, lovey. This is all so fresh and you are only eight to ten weeks out. Be kind to you and very gentle. Give yourself the time and compassion to move through this with some protections in place.

Right now you may not want to, but you are going to survive this. And, you're going to survive it so well that you are going to become a stronger, better, more compassionate woman as a result of this. You're going to be able to reach out and help other women who are going through what you're going through now. Hang in there.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.