My husband's step-brother and his wife gave birth to their daughter today. My father-in-law sent an e-mail to hubby, who forwarded it to me. The usual "she's beautiful, so much hair" blah blah. But then he wrote "#6, I can't believe it."

This of course upset me because this should be his 7th grandchild, not his 6th. Caitlin should be his 6th (technically, I guess Gabrielle is the 6th and Caitlin was the 5th, but you get it!) except she's not here. I've been really upset all week for no apparent reason, and this just did not help. I told my husband when he came home for lunch, and he said that the "#6" made him think the same thing, which made me feel even worse.

Ah well, just wanted to say it to those who would understand!

Amy

Amy

Julia, ^Caitlin^ & Gabrielle



Visit us at http://onealaskanmom.wordpress.com

I would so say something, but that is just me. My step-dad put on his work site under the bigraphy part that he has one grandson (my borther's son). This was before Kenzie. I haven't checked it since I asked my mom why he didn't put he had four. She said he didn't want to get asked questions about it. Now I am wondering if it has been changed...hmmm...

Anyhow...I would be upset too. Caitlin is his granddaughter whether he acknowledges it or not! Boo on him.

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

Still just one...

Rachel - mother of four...forever
^Jaxon^ (3/2/07-5/29/07)
^Courtney^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
^Colin^ (3/2/07-3/8/07)
23 weeks 6 days
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
www.themcconathys.blogspot.com
Kenzington Rae 12/26/08
Born at 36 weeks after 5 months of

I wasn't really so upset that he didn't acknowledge her. It was more just upsetting that she's not here so that he could even say #6. I can't really make somebody claim to have seven grandchildren, especially since she was stillborn. If she had been born alive and he said 6, then I think my husband at least would have said something. This is just kind of a murky situation, I think.

Amy

Amy

Julia, ^Caitlin^ & Gabrielle



Visit us at http://onealaskanmom.wordpress.com

Your siggie picture is soooo sweet. I could just cuddle up those little babies.

I see 2 sides to what your FIL did.

I was upset when I read my Dad's bio in the HS reunion memory book. It said he had 7 grandchildren, including 1 set of twins and a set of quads. I knew my mom had filled in the information and when I read it, I blurted out "but he has TWO sets of twin grandchildren." (My sister also has twins). My mom didn't seem to get it. But she's an accountant and the numbers MUST add up.

I thought about it and realized it's not something people of that generation want to bring up. As was stated about Rachel's FIL, he just didn't want to have to answer the questions. And they don't have a place like this to sort out how to respond or how to steer a conversation.

It still hurts.

The second thought I have is in how we choose to talk about our survivors. We get to a point where we realize that we don't have to tell everyone who inquires about our family, every little detail. I've decided that I, and I alone, decide who is important enough to have the privilege of knowing our story. Most people aren't deserving enough. I'm 8 years into this and have been blessed with a healthy multiple pregnancy since our loss. I'm at the point where I realize I'm not forgetting my son if I don't say something outloud. My heart is with him whether I acknowledge him verbally or silently and that is all that matters.

OK, it's not just me that decides. Having an intact set of quads draws a lot of attention. And my kids are old enough to chat with strangers who approach and my girls never miss a chance to tell people "and our brother is a twin too!". Then I have to choose how much detail I go into.

I guess my point is that maybe your FIL is also choosing who is deserving enough to know about your loss. It's a loss for him too. Don't assume that he has forgotten. But maybe you or DH should mention that it bothered both of you.

I was relieved to see that your DH felt the same as you. You are not overreacting to feel what you did. You have to allow yourself to feel what you feel. I'm just think it's healthy that you are both "on the same page" with your grief. Well maybe not exactly the same page, but somewhere in the same chapter???? It's a good thing that you can both validate each other's feelings.

And yeah, I completely understand. She should be here to be counted and it shouldn't be "a murky situation".

Peace to you.

MonsterMom6
10 year old ^b^ b twins @ 30w5d (1 survivor) and
8 year old gggg quads @ 32w0d

I think he is probably not actively choosing to ignore it, I think he probably just views it as 6. I know when my husband called to tell him that Caitlin had died, my IFIL cried, and he also got teary when he came to visit and my husband showed him the urn. So it is a loss that he acknowledges. He's just kind of clueless so I'm sure never thought that saying #6 would hurt us. . .

But you are right about me and hubby being on the same page. It made me feel worse knowing that he's feeling the same, but better at the same time.

Amy

Amy

Julia, ^Caitlin^ & Gabrielle



Visit us at http://onealaskanmom.wordpress.com