My kids turned two last Saturday and we had a great party, but I knew that celebrating their birthday would set me off. Spencer lived for 21 days, so now the 21 days from their birthday to the anniversary of his death are just awful for me. I can't really explain it, it doesn't make sense - people keep telling me these should be my happiest days because they were the days I had all 3 of my babies, but I can't help how I feel. I just keep thinking that I should have 3 toddlers now, and those 21 days when I had my 3 kids alive were the best of my life and nothing will ever top that. I've been so down and depressed; I feel like there's a dark cloud hanging over me, I overreact to everything, and I'm having extreme anxiety over nothing. I hate feeling like this. My husband doesn't get it at all, and my weird moods are driving him nuts.

This probably doesn't make a lot of sense, my own thoughts don't make a lot of sense lately. I'm a mess! I just had to get it off my chest in a safe place. No one understands, and I feel so alone and confused all the time. Thanks for listening.


Amanda
www.yussmantriplets.blogspot.com

Do we share a brain??? I totally understand and get how you feel. I have also come to realize, albeit slowly, that most people won't understand, or get it. That's why we come here. I wish I had answers, but as you can see from my last post, I don't. I just want you to know that I'm here and I wish we were closer. I really take to heart what Cat says about time helping us heal. Just take it day by day and know we are here for you!

Sending you big hugs!

Karen
Mom to Patrick, William, and our Angel Hunter
7-14-08

I'm sorry things are so tough Amanda. This is my rough time of year too and I am having a lot of the same feelings you described. I still remember my heart sinking when I finally came back to tc and found out you had lost a baby too. I wish I knew when things would get easier.

Thinking of you,

Jessica
Mom to Parker, McKenna, ^Hadley^ born 10/9/07 28w5d
little brother Sawyer
and big sister Ashlyn
www.fourplusanangel.com

Amanda,

I am sorry you are having such a rough time. I think it does get better. My kids are four now and it seems like I go through periods when it's worse than others. We talk all the time about Benjamin. My kids know when I am sad but for the most part I am doing so much better. I'll be thinking about you!

Dana

Jacob, Olivia, Benjamin
30 weeks 1 day

Amanda,

The lows can feel so low. Sometimes there is nothing to do but hold on and allow yourself to feel what you feel. I was just thinking I feel so sad when I'm at work and away from my daughter. It is the time of day that I most think about my triplets and how my life should be. My husband has been bringing up the fact that if I had been put on complete bedrest with our triplets we would still have them. Its going on three years this Thanksgiving is their birthday. We are in therapy and I feel our lives will never be the same. But when I hold my little girl all I feel is love. I pray for you and all of us that continue to have this never ending pain. What else can we do but pray and hold on. Big hug.

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09

I do the same every year. The 28 days between their birthday and the day we lost Eric is always the hardest of the year for me. It's the '(blank) years ago I still had three babies'... My husband doesn't get it either. the kids do; as they get older they just seem to know when little Eric's on my mind.

The thing that may make it easier this year is that the kids are older and they talk more freely about their thoughts of little Eric.

Finally maybe this will be a better year. Hang in there, and hug those toddlers!

Erika

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks
http://survivingtripletsandteens.blogspot.com

For me, it always begins to hit me about this time because this is when we had the big fires in the mountains above my home. That's when I developed a cough, and it's also when I hit into the 20's (weeks) and began having serious issues. But, up until January 7, I knew there were three little babies. It's just that all of the dates leading up to this were times when I could have changed the outcomes. It's a matter of all of those horrific regrets.

Erika, I've missed seeing you here. 'Hope things are going better for you.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

Amanda, thinking of you, hope you are feeling a little better.
Hugs, Nan

To all of you, I think of you often and pray your hearts feel a little less heavy if only for a little while.

Nan~
In loving memory of my beautiful girls:
^Shelby Lee^, ^Megan Aimee^ and ^Lynne Barbara^,
March 6, 2009, born at 20 weeks, 0 days.
http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
http://forumforgrievingdads.com/

I am right there with you too. We only have a day well actually 12 hrs that separate life and then death. So as we celebrate our miracles it is in some way short lived because then we have to mourn for Alex. It just sucks.

Our little angel
^Alex Joseph^ (11-4/11-5)
Brennan Matthew
Christian Jacob

"
Big brother Justin 8

Its my worst time too!!!! If you are a mess join the mess club! My triplets were born on Thanksgiving this year! Baby Joseph was born and died this month! My stomach has been in knotts, everything I eat makes me sick! Last night I slept with my daughter in her room and told my husband I was going to sleep in there the rest of my life! I think of Eliana's room that was supposed to be Sophia's room and ugghhh! I sat in the ATT store today and cried cause my husband asked why I wanted a girl and not a boy and I told him my I want all my children you idiot!!! Well, I wanted to say that. My Sophia was the first to pass on Dec. 1 and it was such a unimaginable pain!! I cried and moaned for days. Then we lost Steven and then Xavier and I was just numb and crazy!!! He has no clue!!!! You are not a mess! We are just in pain. Love you.

Raquel
Mom to triplet angels: Sophia, Steven Jr. & Xavier b/d 25w4d (11/26/06, & Sweet baby Joseph (11/14/07-11/14/07)
Eliana Grace-God has answered
Born 4/03/09