On Wednesday the boys turn 2. Instead of getting excited, all I can think about is that 4 days later we lost Hunter. I warned my boss this week and I am going to take off Friday and Monday. I'm sooo freaking on edge and I feel so alone. While I thought it was going to be horrible to be at my SIL's wedding last year , at least last year I wasn't at home and I had to keep myself busy. This year it seems like it is back to normal for everyone else and I want to scream from the rooftops - "how can you just keep on going like nothing ever happened" My heart is so completely broken and this year it seems like it is worse than ever. I'm sorry I'm rambling. If anyone understand it is you guys. Thank you so much for being there.

Karen
Mom to Patrick, William, and our Angel Hunter
7-14-08

Oh Karen,

I am so sorry and these anniversaries are very, very difficult. For me, age three seemed to be a turning point. I can't explain why but, for me, it got easier. That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments, even now, 8+ years later but I am not lost in grief.

Maybe my experience is different because my son was stillborn - I didn't have to experience his death like you did. I hope, for you, that things do get easier as they did for us.

It helps that I have a couple of close friends that still acknowledge my baby - they will comment, "Oh, I can just picture B here sometimes." That does comfort me because it is proof that he existed - that he is not forgotten.

My boys are so wonderful and alive. I so enjoy all their activities and the things they say and do. They will mention their brother once in a while as well. I think there are times in the walk of grief that you have to CHOOSE to live. You have to allow yourself to feel joy and happiness and know that in feeling those things you are not slighting Hunter - you are not letting him down by living.

Again, those anniversaries are so horrible, especially the first few years but they do get better - well, they did for us and I hope and pray that they get better for you.

Peace & comfort to you during this next week. Take time to remember Hunter, take time for a cry or two in the shower, remember him, let yourself feel that pain, give yourself permission to grieve. Believe, in your heart, that others have not forgotten Hunter. Most people just don't know what to say or how to act. More than that, it didn't affect them they way it affected you and unless they have experienced tragedy - they just can't get it.

((((Hugs to you)))).

Marie

Karen,

The second anniversary was way worse for me than the first. I think for the first 18 months I was too busy/tired to realize how sad I was and it all caught up with me at once. I get what you mean - life has gone back to normal for everyone else and I am just starting to realize how much I have been affected by everything that happened. I am sorry for your pain - I know it SUCKS.

Allison

Mom to:
Madeline 09/2001
Jack, Evan & ^Alex^ 03/02/2008 @ 26 weeks

Karen:

My heart goes out to you. I have found that the days leading up to the anniversary are actually the worst -- it's sort of like the anticipation, the dreading, and the knowing that up until the moment of the anniversary, everything was still "possible."

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can promise you that it DOES get easier. Maybe not this year, but by next year a little easier; and, by the next year, a little easier.

It never completely leaves you. I know because my kiddos are 6 and a half, and sometimes it still catches me by the throat and leaves me wanting to scream. But, those times are few and far between. Mostly now the memories of my sweet baby are precious and she is beautiful and sweet and my forever baby. Sad, but real, and left somewhere back in a time and place that I cannot quite touch and that can no longer touch me in such a horrible fashion.

You are in my prayers for comfort. I'm so sorry that you, like me, celebrate birthdays and loss days so close in time. It's really tough to celebrate, isn't it?

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

Im sorry im reading the post until right now, I have not been coming to TC for a loooong time, Ive been horrible. But my babies´4th year anniversary is almost in a month and I guess I was looking for a little support too....

How did you do? hope you are feeling better now, this time of year sucks!

Monique
Mom to 26.5wk triplets, born 09/14/06
^Nicole^
^Daniel^
Nathalie