Today is probably the anniversary of the day that Carina died. By Friday, I'll hit the anniversary of being told that she had died and by Saturday, I'll be at the day that the babies were all removed from me.

I am so bereft right now and struggling with finances, business and the blues. I'm having to make some difficult decisions, and this is not helped out by the fact that I am hit so hard with the knowledge that Carina was still alive until just this point in time last year. Again, I panic with the knowledge that if I had just changed doctors, or gone in to be seen, or...

My eyes are swollen and things are not going well today. I basically want to sit by the side of the road and put ashes on my head, but I have all kinds of documents that need to be filed today and way too much work on my plate. It seems that I am being buried alive.

Please pray for me right now. I covet your prayers, your friendship, your strength because I feel like I'm sinking. I understand what despair looks like.


Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time right now. If I've learned nothing else over the last few months, I've learned that you can't beat yourself up over what you could have done differently.

What I've been doing lately when I'm losing myself in sorrow, is go home and hug my babies. It truly helps, at least it helps me. I know we haven't suffered the same kind of loss, but know that I'm feeling right along with you.

You are in my prayers and my thoughts.

Maggi
Wife to Ray
Mom to Jacob, Behren, & Derek
03/03/01

I'm right there with you as this is the last day of last year that I know all three of our babies were alive. I do have the fortune(?) of not having to celebrate at the same time as I grieve. My husband is concerned about our current pregnancy and would prefer I shove the loss of West, Keaton, and Rebecca to the back of my mind -- like that could happen. But I am choosing to spend Thursday doing as many things to honor my babies as I can accomplish between outbursts.

I'm donating my hair (something I was going to do in the weeks I waited for them to clear out of NICU), and now there's more to donate. I was also planning to take crocheted hats to the NICU at our hospital -- four of them -- one for each of our three babies and one for our daughters' sister. I will add one more in memory of your Carina.

I do know how overwhelming these emotions can be ... and how everything else in the world can fall in on you. If I didn't have the girls and my big belly to tote around, I'd be jumping over your way to lend a hand (the way it is I have to many hands to offer ).

Even as I heave sobs, I am now also so grateful to know the love and sweet spirits of my living daughters -- even on my worst days their cuddling and cooing and giggling can really help bring me around to the brighter side of life again. They (and our boy to be) are my light and my hope for happiness.

This has been a really tough week for me, and as I think of and remember the babies I miss so much, I will send up thoughts for you and your Carina as well.

By best thoughts of peace to you

^West Rogers^, ^Keaton Edward^, ^Rebecca Joy^ 1/6/04



Missing their sister ^Maria Jose^ 4/7/04-5/10/04

(((((Hugs Cat)))))

I sometimes think that getting past that anniversary of knowing when our babies were alive is the biggest relief. The 3 months from when we discovered the triplets (9/21) to the day we found out Brendan had died (12/21) are far and away the hardest for me - my boys' b'day doesn't bother me as much as the building dread of that horrible anniversary.

Like you, I've spent my fair share of time with "what if" I have a hard time imagining someone not doing that. Being a part of TC doesn't help with respect to that bc there are so many moms with such difficult, difficult pregnancies (far more difficult than mine was) and babies discovered to be in trouble even earlier than our babies were when they died - and yet with intervention their babies survive and are ok.

That said (big pick-me-up, I know). In my heart I know that his death may not have been preventable and as my mantra goes, "it is what it is". Doesn't make it any less sucky though, does it.

I send you big cyber hugs Cat, I think of you often as you are on your own and carry a heavy heart even while raising your beautiful survivors. Give yourself the luxury to wallow in your grief on occasion and you may find that you don't get hit so hard all at once.

I remember your pregnancy, I remember your beautiful Carina - what a name you chose for her. I remember worrying about you when you weren't here and being heartbroken for your loss. But I want you to know that I remember Carina - as a cyber friend can anyway.

Don't sit by the road, do cry in the shower (advice I gave here last week as well). Don't try to be stoic, do remember your baby even as you look on Caiden and Caeleigh and celebrate their life.

Peace and prayers to you,

Marie

Marie

Cat, I am sorry I saw this so late. I hope you are doing better now. What a hard week for you. I hope life is being easy on you right now, easier than it was when you posted this. I know the unanswered questions are horrible.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of when you were told, and I hope you are OK tomorrow. I know what a hard day it will be, I spent alot of time remembering every minute of Eric's last day on his anniversary.

Hug your survivors, we all know how precious they really are!

Sending my love to you, and hugs, Cat.

Erika

Mom to:
Matt (1991) Megan (1994) and ^Eric Jr^ Levi and Vivian (2003) at 26 weeks

Dearest Cat,

I am sorry that I did not see your post the other day, and I hope you are doing as best you can in getting through this difficult memory. The tears in my eyes and heart are not making me the most eloquent writer right now, and I just wish I could give you a big hug and make it all go away - or even just drive on down to your neck of the woods and do the mundane stuff (from scrubbing the floor, to cooking some meals, to drafting and filing those legal documents). I will be thinking of you and hoping you find some peace in your heart and in all other affairs.

With big, big (((HUGS))),

Michelle
baby boy a & b - 23wks/4days
baby boy c - our beloved angel 18wks/5days

http://lilypie.com>

(((((((Cat))))))))) The first anniversary is soooo hard! I wish I lived closer to you- I'd love to just give you a huge HUG!!!
Or watch your kids for you so you could have some time alone to think about Carina.
I have not forgotten about her gown-it's actually almost complete- just the sleeves need to be finished. I can do it in a couple of hours!

If it's at all possible, stop doing everything today except just living. Hug your sweet babies, revel in their beauty and how amazing they are. Be kind to yourself adn cry all you want to. It's very healing.
Feel free to contact me if you want to.
You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

God Bless you and your 3 beautiful children,Korrie

Korrie~
^i^B/G/G 24 w 3d,1/17/00
B 10/31/01
B 1/27/03

<a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="" alt="Lilypie Kids birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a>

Cat, I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you on 1/8 as you remember and celebrate your surviving triplets first b-day. The first anniversary is very hard so I am hoping that you made it through the week okay.

Sorry this note is so late.

Much Love to you and your little ones!!!!!

Engrid
Jackson 4# 2oz
Ruark 3# 11oz
Ethan 2# 15oz our angel in heaven
All born on 12/23/02

Liam Ethan 8# 7oz born on 5/11/05