I had someone ask me if I was ready for the babies, and if I had everything. Since I've been home from the hospital after loosing one of my boys, and knowing the uncertainty of another (he had a grade 4 bleed), I just don't look forward for delivery at all. It took us 3.5 years to conceive, plus thousands of dollars, and I know I should be elated. But I'm just not. It's not how I imagined it at all. I have 3 babies coming, and all 3 have totally different outcomes. I am trying to plan the burial for our Eastyn, worried about what is to come with Rylan, and not knowing if he is going to make it or not, and then there is Lyndon, who is just fine. My head is so jumbled right now, I feel as though I can not squeeze another thought in there.

I am so sorry if I am insensitive to anyone who's lost all of their babies. I know I should be so thankful for our little girl who is doing just great, and I am, it's just hard to imagine what is to come. It has been a really hard day today. I can't even go in the babies room, how am I going to handle having them be born?? I feel like this is a horrible nightmare, and I just want it over with. Please someone, give me some advice or something. I feel so broken.

31w2d

Kelly

DS~7years
triplets~2years
January 25, 2005 at 33.4 weeks
DS,DD, and ^i^DS

Kelly,

I am going to be straightforward (with many hugs to you as I say this). You, sadly, have lost the freedom of that completely exciting delivery because you already know the day will be bittersweet. I disagree with you that you should be elated - this isn't how you (or anyone who knows they will deliver a still born baby) expect the day to be.

So, to relate how I felt. I was completely numb and shut down for the remainder of my pregnancy. Just about my entire focus was on my surviving babies' movements. I cried, a lot, in the shower. I continued to parent my daughter but my heart was very heavy and VERY concerned about the well being of my two babies. I had U/S 2x/week until I ended up in preterm labor at 31w.

But, here's the thing, when they arrive and you hear their cries, you will probably be filled with joy for each baby as you hear her and hopefully him but you are not a bad mom if you don't have a rush of joy - hopefully there will be a level of relief.

You do need to plan for dealing with the loss of Eastyn. I'll be glad to share my experience with you if you wish but would prefer to do that via PM or email.

I think it is very important in these upcoming weeks to stay as focused on any positive news you have, as possible. It is also important to allow yourself your anger - that is an important part of the grieving process.

I think I really limited my contact outside my home in those weeks btw Brendan's loss and our delivery. We then had to do the NICU thing and then home and craziness. I felt pure JOY when my boys came home. I was so, so happy to finally have them with me (33 days in NICU) and be able to snuggle and care for them.

I've said before that there is no word in our language that expresses what we go through with the loss of a child (or more) - there is no word and the only ones who really understand are those that have gone before.

Please, please hang in there and feel free to contact me if you need support or someone to listen. My boys will be three in a few weeks and they bring me so much joy. I still miss their brother but the pure anguish I felt in the beginning has faded.

I'm sorry you had such a rough day. So don't go in their room for a while, I couldn't tell you when I started going in my boys' room, I don't remember. I can tell you that they slept in my room (in the bassinet of a Pack N Play for six months.

(((((Hugs Kelly))))) sorry this was so long, my heart is just aching for you.
Marie

Marie

Thank you for your post. I know that it is ok to feel the way I do. I am the kind of person who is always in control, except now. I can't control anything. I know I do need to stay positive for the good things, and I do most of the time, just some times, it's harder. I have 3 babies coming, and 3 totally different outcomes. With my baby boy Rylan, it is so hard to not have a clue as to what to expect. However, he is scoring 8/8's on his bpp, so it makes me think it's not as bad as the dr's are saying.

I have started planning Eastyn's funeral. Dh has been wonderful, and as understanding as I could hope for. He's told me that I can do what ever I want, or need to do for our baby that we lost. Today, my son was just being himself, coloring, playing cards with us, talking back....it broke my heart to know that I have a son who will never do that. I know he is in a better place, and there's nothing that could have been done to change the outcome, but the selfish side of me takes over. I felt so blessed that God chose me to be the mother of triplets. Not that being a mother of a singleton or 2 other babies is any less important, but triplets, we were so excited and welcomed the fact that we would be financially brok .

I guess I just needed to hear that it is ok to not look forward to delivery. Like you said, very bittersweet. I feel like I've had the rug jerked out from underneath me not once but twice. I know that keeping the babies in for longer is the best thing for them. I want that as well, however, I just want this to all be over with. I had no plans on tying my tubes before any of this, now I am seriously considering it because my heart just couldn't handle this again.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hate the fact that anyone would have to go through this. I hope this is the worse pain I'll ever endure in my life. I am just so worried about possibly seeing Rylan suffer, my biggest fear. Sorry to keep rambling on.

31w2d

Kelly

DS~7years
triplets~2years
January 25, 2005 at 33.4 weeks
DS,DD, and ^i^DS

Kelly,
I wanted to express my condolances on the loss of Eastyn. I lsot my son,Jack, when he was 10 days old. He was born at 24 weeks, 3 days and had major complications.

Sadly, you have lost your "innocence" where birth is concerned. Like MW said, the day will be bittersweet but you will probably feel relieved once the babies arrive and you can finally know what is going on with each of them. I had 2 subsequent babies after my loss and for each boys' pregnancy & birth I felt like I had been "cheated." I couldn't enjoy the pregnancies or births because I knew what the worst-case scenario could be and I was just so scared. It was a HUGE relief with my now 3 yr old, to hear him screaming when he was born. My youngest was born with Down syndrome-which we had no idea about until he was 24 hours old! He had respiratory distress at birth so I was slightly panicky when he wasn't crying. With all of my children, I don't think I was able to "relax" until they each passed their first birthdays.

Again, I am deeply sorry that you have to go thru this at all.
I LOVE the names you chose for your babies. They are beautiful.
If it will help you at all with the funeral arrangements, I'd like to send you an outfit for Eastyn. I make caps and gowns (crocheted)for preemie babies. I have made some for other TC members and they can vouch for their quality. There's a picture in the archives as well. They are like christening gowns and little caps. I have a blue one and a green one available. They generally fit babies under 4 pounds. email me either here at TC or at heavensentme5@yahoo.com and we can make the arrangements to ship the gown if you'd like.


I DO NOT charge anything for this. I do it as a legacy for my son,Jack. I would be pleased and honored if you would want to use one of "Jack's Angel Gowns." (But, please don't feel obligated if you'd rather not.)

God Bless you in this difficult time, Korrie

Korrie~
^i^B/G/G 24 w 3d,1/17/00
B 10/31/01
B 1/27/03

<a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="" alt="Lilypie Kids birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a>

I am very fresh on the heels of what you have just described, as we just delivered a little over three weeks ago. Your feelings are completely normal, and probably to be expected, given the mixed bag of blessing and pain you have been dealt. Whatever you do, allow yourself and DH to feel whatever you feel. There is no right or wrong way to feel, react, or deal with such a devastating loss, as well as try to be excited about and bond with your survivors, all the while worrying about their outcome as well. Give yourself the freedom to mourn, and I promise, the joy and bonding will come between you and your survivors, even if it takes a little longer than usual. Once we got our surviving girls home, and were able to have a burial service for Karina, it has really helped us focus on moving forward and becoming a family. The pain is still very fresh, and I know it will never be gone, but time and God's goodness will allow healing.

I pray that you will find strength and comfort in those around you as you go through your delivery, and I truly hope and pray for a wonderful outcome for BOTH of your surviving triplets.

I would be more than happy to share more about my experience and delivery if you need. Just send me and email or PM. Our nurse did some wonderful things to help us commemorate Karina, and we have some very dear mementos to remember her by, which truly helped the delivery day be more special than it would have.

Anne

I just want to thank the both of you for your advice, and letting me know this is totally normal to be feeling this way.

Korrie, how wonderful, what you do in your son's memory. I wish I had some talent or know how, and could do the same thing. I appriciate your offer for a gown. Fortunately, I found a gown just last week. I am so sorry for your loss as well. I wish I had something to say to make it better or easier, but I just can not find the words to express my sympathy to both you and Anne.

Anne, I had received your private message, and I honestly can not remember if I responded or not. I thank you for offering your support and sympathy, when this is so fresh and new to you as well.

I had just a really hard day yesterday. Earlier on in my pregnancy, dh would fuss at me for doing anything, like household chores. He would tell me that I wouldn't be happy or stop until I lost a baby or babies. Even though I know this is not my fault, I just felt the need to throw that comment in his face yesterday. It was so wrong of me. He's been so wonderful, I know I can not imagine how he is feeling as a father. His soul, and main concern is me and my well being. But I know we take things out on the ones who we love the most.

Thank you again for your understanding.

31w2d

Kelly

DS~7years
triplets~2years
January 25, 2005 at 33.4 weeks
DS,DD, and ^i^DS

Kelly:

I, too, was told about the demise of my baby girl prior to delivery. Fortunately for me, I was so terribly ill by then that I was, quite literally, not with it for the remainder of my pregnancy. But if I had listened to the fool doctor, I would have lost all three babies by keeping everyone inside for another 2 weeks.

I, too, went through the jumble with the second baby, Caeleigh, nearly losing her on several occasions. Until I could get them home from the hospital, I had no joy at all -- just grief and shock and numbness and uncertainty.

It gets better. When you have your daughter in your arms, you will realize that she is a pearl of very great price. I am praying that your other little boy will hang in there and turn out just fine, too.

It isn't the same as bringing home all three babies, and there is very, very limited joy -- initially. But knowing what I went through and what my babies went through, and that we have come through all of this as a family, is precious to me. I am praying that this, too, will be your experience.

In the meantime, having a memorial service for my daughter was very important to me, and it really helped to acknowledge her brief life and her death. I encourage you as you go through this experience, because it is so helpful.

I will pray for your peace and courage as you complete your pregnancy.

Fondly,
Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.