Our 4 ys old surviving twin girl is talking a lot about her sister. I was so proud of her yesterday...she had a new frined over to play. The first thing she did was take her friend into the hall and show her all the pictures of our family. She even included her twin, Angela. At times it is painful to hear her talk about her...she wants to know everything, where her bed is, her clothes, she names her babies after her, she even says, "When I grow up I'm going to have a baby girl and name her Angela." But hearing her introduce everyone to her friend made me happy...I remember being afraid that Bethany would not care about her sister. This really made me smile.

twintrips

GG born 6/6/00 @ 37W 1d
Angela home to heaven 6/14/00

BBG born 6/8/02 @ 33w 5d

I'm so glad that her sister is part of her everyday life. I think that is very sweet and wouldn't be surprised if, someday, you have a granddaughter named Angela. I hope that my children are this open about their brother as they get older.

Marie

Marie

It truely amazes me how children deal with death. I'm sure that your daughter feels Angela's pressence.

2 years ago, dh lost his brother in a car accident. Logan was only 3, but he remembers his uncle. Every time he gets a balloon, he lets it go to heaven to his uncle Tom. He has told me that we will let 100 balloons go to Eastyn in Heaven. And I know we will always do that, as a family. When someone asks him if he is going to have a brother or sister, he tells them, we are having 2 boys and 1 girl, but Eastyn's little bones are in Heaven. I don't know about you, but my son gives me so much confort, it's unbelieveable. God protects their little hearts.

I hope that my children will always include their brother Eastyn when asked about their family.

33w1d

Kelly

DS~7years
triplets~2years
January 25, 2005 at 33.4 weeks
DS,DD, and ^i^DS

Janet,
Your post makes me smile as well!
That's wonderful that your daughter talks of her sister so proudly and openly!
Kudos to you for facilitating the process through education!

My hear skips a beat when my living children do the same for their sister. They are so innocent and sweet when they talk of her. When they talk, people listen. Boy, I sure wish that was the case for us the parents! LOL!

7mozz

I have had people on the other board suggest that I shouldn't commemorate my Carina and that I should "let it go" because it will be better and easier for my children to be called twins. It was so good to see your post as I am reassured that children understand what adults make so complicated.

I notice that you also have triplets, and this may have contributed to your daughter's understanding about her twin.

In any event, she sounds like a wonderful little girl. It is beautiful that she has a heart for her twin.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

I can't imagine not remembering our Angela...she was a wonderful part of our family. God has truly taught us so much through our experience with her. When an 80 yr old dies we don't stop talking about them...why should we stop talking about our babies? I proudly display the photos, even though my mom is the only other one who does. My mother in law actually thinks there will come a time when I take them down. I can't imagine that.

I don't have to hide her away or hide from my grief...her death was so sad for us, but I'm not afraid to face it or even talk about it. One day, several months after she died, God invited me to come down from my tree of grief and take His hand..He told me He'd not chosen this place of grief or the burden of sadness to endure for the rest of my life. Instead, He promised to hold my hand and take me through this, each step of the way, to the plan He did have for me. He explained to me that while this was so difficult and sad it was still just a moment in time. He had so much more for me. So each day I awake and take his hand, cause as you know with so many small children never know what will happen. And initially, during the active stages of grieving, anything could be devastating.

My worst day was about a month after Angela's death. My husband was on a business trip and I received a call from the hospital. The funeral home was to pick up her body the day she died, cremate the body and store the ashes until we could figure out what we wanted to do. The hospital called to say the body was still there. I had no idea what to do, I couldn't talk with my husband who'd made the arrangements. All I could think of was my precious baby laying there all alone with no one to care for her. Really bad day.

I have read most of your posts. I can tell you are still in an active stage of grief. I know we hear this all the time, but grief really is a process. I can somewhat realte to your unwillingness to call your babies twins...I am pleased when I have the chance to tell someone that Bethany is a surviving twin. And one of the driving forces in my choice to get pregnant again was realizing how much it hurt me to see her alone. When I found out I was pregnant I prayed for either a singleton or for triplets...I didn't think I could bear seeing another set of twins and her still be alone. I even prayed specifically for the triplets to be BBG...which they were.

God heard my cries. But even before I was pregnant He began healing and restoring my heart and faith. The pregnancy was just the finishing touch. I know I still have a certain edge to my personality that I did not have before...I think of it as some serious scar tissue...I can be a little bit more harsh than before, just not quite as gentle. I'm still praying over that. But i know God unserstands and is patiently working with me.

God bless you, Cat with THREE beautiful kittens!

twintrips

GG born 6/6/00 @ 37W 1d
Angela home to heaven 6/14/00

BBG born 6/8/02 @ 33w 5d

I only have one picture of my three babies together. My sister took the pictures of Carina, and she has never given them to me, although I have begged her for them. She has simply been too busy to look for them.

I asked that the picture of my threesome be included in my mother's memorial slide show, but my sisters decided to exclude it because, to their way of thinking, my "dead baby" was gross and people wouldn't want to be seeing a picture of the three of them.

Yes, there is still a great deal of pain here. I wish that I had some pictures of my baby. It would help me a great deal to be able to see her again. Unfortunately, I have finally come to the place where I have walked away from my sisters because I cannot handle the way that they behave. I have walked away without anger and without name calling -- simply electing not to spend time there. But it is a very sore spot to have to walk away from one's family.

My mother understood how much I loved Carina. She was the only one who did. She died on August 1 and I miss her dreadfully. She was the thread the held our entire family together.

I apologize. Your post hit the mark on my grief. Mostly it is in the background these days, but it sometimes surfaces if someone astute makes note of it.

I'm really feeling very sad today. I'm sad for losing my baby; sad for losing my mother; and, sad for losing my family. It's raining and I have lots of work to do and no money coming in to pay the bills. My mother would have helped me out, and my father wants to condemn, but he does not want to help, so it's difficult not to compare them. I'm thinking I need to stop focusing on this, now, and get to work...

I am so glad that God blessed you with triplets. I will be going in for an embryo transfer as soon as I can scrape together the money, and I am praying that I will be blessed with triplets. I know that sounds like a strange request for most, but it is what I truly long for -- a balm of Gilead. That way, people will ask me if they are triplets, and I can say, "Yes. They all are..."

Ah well. You have a wonderful day and God bless you.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

Cat --
I just wanted to chime in on your wanting another set of triplets. I talk about this with a lot of moms who lose entire sets of multiples, and it never occurred to me (although now it's kind of a DUH) that those who lose one would feel the same way.

What we often talk about is how our losses are on so many levels. We lost babies, we lost their "tripletness" -- the lifelong friendship and love we wanted for them to share, their specialness, their completeness, and (for some of us) we lost our entire family. With the loss of a child there is loss on so many levels (many more than I've listed) and having known the joys before the losses, I think it is only natural to want those joys back again.

I LOVE my girls and I am daily amazed at the wonder of them ... but had they not been triplets I would never have pursued adoption (yet). They were in no way a "replacement" for West, Keaton, and Rebecca ... but I knew they would (and wanted them to) fill the void of one part of my loss. Again, our baby-boy-to-be is not a "replacement," but he's helping me fill the void of having a successful pregnancy.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are far from alone and miles from crazy in wanting another set. There is indeed some healing in making whole an empty or broken piece of your heart.

^West Rogers^, ^Keaton Edward^, ^Rebecca Joy^ 1/6/04



Missing their sister ^Maria Jose^ 4/7/04-5/10/04

"What we often talk about is how our losses are on so many levels. We lost babies, we lost their "tripletness" -- the lifelong friendship and love we wanted for them to share, their specialness, their completeness, and (for some of us) we lost our entire family. With the loss of a child there is loss on so many levels (many more than I've listed) and having known the joys before the losses, I think it is only natural to want those joys back again."

Steff:

I know what you mean, because when I read the list of what you talk about, all of it applies to me. I lost my baby, and I lost all of my babies' "tripletness" -- their lifelong friendship and the love I wanted for them to share; their specialness, their completeness. I also lost my entire family because everyone (and I mean everyone except my mother) was thoroughly pissed at my being pregnant with triplets -- and, they have never gotten over it. Then, with my mother dying and everyone else continuing on their rampage, nothing has ever been the same.

There was so much joy in anticipating the triplets, and I came so very close to getting all three out in time. It is literally the agony of defeat.

Of course, I do have the joy of having the two remaining babies, and I do not discount this in the equation. But I am constantly asked if they are twins, and this grates on me so badly.

It is really a very miserable club to be part of, isn't it? The only good thing about it is the knowledge that everyone understands and no one is judging. Thank you for your note of commiseration. It helps knowing that everyone here understands.


Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. In memory of Carina, who was greatly loved.

Cat w/3 Kittens
Caidan, Carina and Caeleigh
Born at 31 weeks, 1/8/04.

Cat:

That agony of defeat this is right...I felt like I had failed so terribly when I lost our daughter. I really wanted another pregnancy...I did'nt want to see Bethany alone and I wanted to do it right, and truthfully, I wanted to do it normally. So even a singleton would have been okay with me. My husband didn't feel that way, and he still does not understand this. I'm glad to hear someone else speak of it cause I've stopped trying to explain this to him!

You carry on girl!

twintrips

GG born 6/6/00 @ 37W 1d
Angela home to heaven 6/14/00

BBG born 6/8/02 @ 33w 5d

i can so realte to that as well. Adn I lsot my only boy at that time. I was determined to have another boy and "do it right." Well,I had 2 more boys, singletons and I love them dearly and endlessly but it doesn't help much with the feeling of "defeat."
I don't know if it's b/c I am facing challenges with both my boys or if it's just that I don't have Jack as well. I think it's the latter actually.

Korrie~
^i^B/G/G 24 w 3d,1/17/00
B 10/31/01
B 1/27/03

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