My husband is having a really hard time with the news of our triplets on the way. I think the best way to summarize is that we are both still in the overwhelmed stage and frightened. The part that I can't seem to address without causing more problems is that he feels his life is over and he can't have any hopes or dreams of his own at this point.

Can any of you provide advice on how I can help him come to terms with this news and reassure him that not only will we survive that he will have a life?

Thanks!

Hey Michelle - John here - We're 24 weeks with Trips and just adopted a baby girl - Lyla. I think I'm still overwhelmed. And yes, family discussions have seemed to limit places we'll live in the future, travel, vacations, etc....

So - I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not offering advice, but am offering a listening ear and someone in the same situation for your husband to talk to. We're at SNJMartin@hotmail.com.

People ask me nearly everyday if I am ready for this. I don't really know - but I am willing - and I think that's 90% of the battle!

Feel free to post or eMail if you think I can help. - John

John & Steph (Jerome, ID)

Oh - Tell him to join Father2Father.com if he wants a more MALE perspective. Lots of good posts there as well.

John & Steph (Jerome, ID)

You've probably heard this before, but an experienced pastor or family therpist could help big time. Look at it like this: If you are like most people, you rely on professionals or people with specialized skills for lots of things, from tax preparation to vision care, so why not bring in help on this important (but not uncommon, IMO) issue?

Chuck
gbg1997

Chuck
gbg 1997
b 2008

As a father of surprise triplets...we did not know we were having triplets until the third popped out...I can say that you WILL survive. It will be difficult. You will have long nights and long days. But, with the two of you supporting each other and remembering that you are going through this together it will turn out ok. Things will change. Dreams, hopes, desires will change. But you now have three bundles of joy to share your new dreams, hopes and desires with. If you have family and friends around try to enlist their help. Even if they can only help for an hour or two for you two to get away and take a break it will make a big difference in your mental well being.
We just celebrated our first birthday with the kids (GBB). It IS amazing...we never thought we would but we did....we made it. Just remember that you have each other and in two or three years you will have three bundles of joy running to greet you and the door and be yelling "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!"
Best of luck.
Pete Barnet
Weston, FL

Well, here's what I can offer up on this subject, being the father of 4-year old triplet girls. It is possible to have a life. May not seem like much of one, but it is possible and it does get better as they get older. The hardest part is really getting your brain around the idea of what's coming. And even that won't be enough because there is no way to plan or predict what to expect. Pretty much have to be as flexible as possible and take things as they come.

That's enough of the general stuff, so here's some more specifics. Keep in touch with your friends. This is very important. It will seem like you are getting sucked into a parenting black hole, and you really are because being a father of trips is a 22 hour a day job (the other two are the amount of sleep you can expect for a while). But it gets better, you will regain a life that doesn't involve kids, just takes some time.

Second, and this is where the wife comes into play: you help her as much as you can with the kids, but your wife needs to give you time to go and do things every once in a while, too. My wife stays at home with the girls, so when I get home she needs my help, but she is also good about making sure I go and do things to get a break from everything every once in a while. This is very vital to maintaining any semblance of sanity.

Third, do not give up on any dreams you have of the future. I am currently looking to get out of my profession of the last 10 years and make a switch, so I started going back to school for something totally unrelated to my current career or my existing college education. My wife was very supportive of this because she coudl see how miserable I was getting and because I found a place where I could go a couple times a week. It does make for a hectic lifestyle, but I know I'm doing something that will help me and my family down the road. Plus, it will hopefully give a boost to the income so we can move out of our overcramped 3 bedroom townhouse.

Basically, it is a very overwhelming idea to get your head around that you will be having triplets, but it's not the end of your existence. Patience is the one thing you have to have: with the kids, with your wife, and with your own life. Like one poster said, it is a great thing to come home at the end of the day and get mobbed by a six limbed monster that is screaming "Daddy!" in three voices. I often think about how different my life would be if I had made certain choices another way, but one thing that never gets changed in my head is the idea of not having my girls. I cannot imagine them not being a part of my life, no matter how they test and try me to see how much they can get away with. And one of the secret things that no one ever talks about: when you see other parents of single kids and hear them complaining about how tough it is, you and your wife in private can laugh and ridicule them for being such wimps. Welcome to the club and hang on for the ride.

Greg
'burbs of Chicago

Hi there. Ask him why he thinks his life is going to change more since he is having three at once rather than just one? His life will cetainly change, but it would still be changing if he was only having one or two or five. And how much better it is going to be!

He's probably right that he won't be going out after work as much, but this would happen with one as well. Honestly, I can't wait to get home from work and see my family each night, well, almost every night, there are rough times everywhere for everyone. But to walk in the door and have six arms wrap around me and three voices squealing with pure joy - it's just awesome! But there are also those nights when I walk up to the door and it sounds like someone is getting skinned alive, DW has this glossy-eyed-Calgon-get-me-the-heck-out-of-here-now look about her, and I think that I made the wrong choice of not taking the scenic route home. But these nights existed pre-kids as well.

Yeah the first three or so months are a blur now but seemed awful at the time. The minivan is not the sportiest car on the block. Bath time is a logistical challenge for a while. Potty training three at once is more demanding than running a marathon. The grocery bill is ginormous. The triple stroller costs more than my current car and is just about the same size come to think of it. But the blessings far outweigh any of this.

To see three young people develop. To hear them laugh at each other's jokes. To see them love and learn. To watch them show love to each other and to the people who enter their lives. To answer three million questions about why things are the way they are (before breakfast mind you). To witness honesty in its purest form. To listen to their prayers and imagine God's smile when they thank him for zebras and rhino-os-erouses (we went to the zoo recently). It's awesome. And I thank God daily if not more for being a part of this.

Jonathan
Dad to Ally(22), Dan(19),
and Aidan, Zachary, and Jillian (9-01)

Its hard to be a dreamer when such a major reality hits you in the face. I can still remember the day we found out...my wife went in for an ultrasound and surprise! triplets. No warning just BAM. She called me on my cell from the hospital and I, who was picking up my six year old from school on a beautiful San Francisco day, felt completely overwhelmed. We had planned for two kids, now the plan had changed...one word kept popping into my head...POVERTY. How was I going to support four kids and a wife who now can't work, and live in one of the most expensive places in the world? I didn't know. There was no one to turn to for support. I felt my life had been one way and now it was never going to be the same. And how true that was. I went through a period where I mourned my old life...with one kid it was easy and two seemed so managable...but four? Well, you manage. Our boys were in the NICU for two months, we dealt with surgeries and disappointments, and then the homecoming, and life was just very choatic. We couldn't move because of the level of care the kids needed and my wife and I just seemed to be hunkering down. Well, five years later and light finally seems to be creeping back into my existence. Tell your husband that he needs to talk to a therapist NOW, I know I should have, and no not a "what to expect" social worker, rather, a person who can listen to his fears and offer sound advice so he can see himself as himself and not just a horse who has run his last race and all there is to look forward to is the glue factory. Also, don't forget about his sexual needs...there is nothing worse than despairing and not getting a little something from your SO.